An alternate Programme Guide by
Massive Spoiler Warnings!!
Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
The One Hundred and Sixty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Broadband
Episode 1.01 - Mickey -
The Doctor is indulging in his hobby of blowing up department
stores when he stumbles across an alien invasion.
For a few seconds the Doctor is mildly worried, but then quickly
realises that the Nestene Consciousness is simply re-trying a failed
plot from the late 70s.
As the Doctor is trying to blow up at least five department stores
before midnight, he decides to clear out the living shop dummies and
whatever of their victims remain, so that no one will interrupt him
while he sets the bomb.
The violent rampage gets deeply out of hand, and at the end of the
battle the only survivors are the Doctor and a blonde woman named
Rose. Rose demands answers from this mass murdering stranger, but
he leaves her only with a warning to run away and a severed arm as
Rose walks through the streets stunned, clutching a severed arm,
as the department store bursts into flames behind her. A loud
cackling fills the air and we see the Doctor running into a Marks
and Spencers clutching a second bomb.
Back at home, Rose's mother urges her to be a page 3 girl and cash
in on her hot bod. Unfortunately for the viewer, her boyfriend
Mickey won't allow it.
Rose tells Mickey to get rid of the severed arm and life seems to
return to normal -- at least temporarily.
The next morning Rose wakes up at 7:30am even though her job has
been deeply char-fried. Bored, she lays in bed, moans to herself
about how her useless boyfriend fails to satisfy her sexually,
and opens the nightdrawer next to her bed, where she keeps a bright
pink vibrator. As soon as she touches it, it springs to life.
Rose is surprised as it is unusually light. She unscrews the back
and sees that it does not have any batteries.
Before she can ponder this mystery there is a loud banging at
the front door.
Rose walks to the door and is shocked to see the stranger trying
to squeeze into her house through her catflap.
Rose opens the door for the stranger who then bolts past her
and makes full speed to the kitchen. Rose asks what the hell he
is doing and he explains that he is looking for the severed arm
he gave her last night.
Rose is deeply annoyed. She explains that first of all the severed
arm was a gift, and she despises people who ask for gifts back.
Secondly, she would never keep a severed arm in her refrigerator.
Thirdly, she doesn't see how standing in front of her refrigerator
whilst drinking her milk, eating her leftovers, and flipping through
a copy of Heat magazine constitutes a search for a severed arm.
The Doctor smiles innocently as he shoves a hot cross bun into his
mouth. With a sigh of exasperation Rose leaves the kitchen,
allowing the Doctor to check himself out in a mirror and finish off
the rest of the orange juice.
In the middle of this breakfast indulgence orgy, Rose's mother
enters the kitchen wearing only a bathrobe. She attempts to give
the Doctor an erotic lapdance, but he is too distracted by reading
a harlequin romance novel to give her much notice.
The contents of Rose's kitchen fully eaten, the Doctor decides to
piss off. Just before he gets out the door however he is attacked
by the flying severed arm from last night.
Rose is now well and truly pissed off. It's not enough that this
strange man has waltzed into her home, polished off her groceries,
and possibly had it off with her mom, but now he's playing with
a severed arm and falling about the furniture for a laugh.
Rose punches the Doctor square in the stomach, and is shocked when
the hand turns and attacks her.
The living severed hand pushes her to the floor and tries to gouge
out her eyes.
Luckily the Doctor gives it a wave with a magic wand and it goes
dead. Rose asks the Doctor how he managed that, and he promises
not to explain later as he picks up the limp arm and walks away.
Rose chases after the Doctor and puts up with him as he says
countless racist things against humanity. Every question Rose asks
is answered with very egotistical and "Oh-I-Am-So-Much-Smarter-Than
You" riddles, until the Doctor breaks the final straw by walking
into a blue box and disappearing.
Still deeply frustrated, Rose returns home and uses a search engine
to seek out bondage pornography. While looking for one of her
favourite sites, a website that features very disturbing movies
involving male nurses, she stumbles on a webpage maintained by
Master Clive has a vast archive of erotic fiction including a
"real life, not fantasy" tale about his encounters with a mysterious
man who travels around in a blue box.
Rose briefly skims through the text and sees that the physical
description of this mysterious "Doctor Who?" guy matches the weirdo
who's been stalking her recently.
Rose quickly fires off an email to mastercl...@hurtmebaby.com
and waits for a reply.
The next morning Rose convinces Mickey to drive her to Master
Clive's house. Mickey is paranoid, certain that he doesn't want
Rose to pal around with some guy who writes erotic fiction on the
internet. Rose tries to reason with Mickey, reminding him that
Master Clive doesn't even seem to be interested in girls, and for
the most part likes to dominate male nurse slaveboys.
Somehow, this logic fails to work.
Rose knocks on Clive's door and is surprised to find that he is
a chubby, regular guy, with a wife, kids, and a golden retriever.
Clive doesn't want to talk to Rose inside the house and insists
that they retreat back into his shed all alone. As they walk into
the back garden, Clive's wife is verbally amazed that a woman has
been reading her husband's website.
Inside the shed, Clive tries and fails to convince Rose to do a
few topless shots for his paysite. Once he realises that Rose is
serious, he tells her a long, engaging, and hopefully completely
untrue story about how he met the Doctor at a roller disco in 1985.
Meanwhile, on the street, Mickey is viciously eaten by a wheelie
When Rose returns the car Mickey is in the driving seat and is now
comprised completely of plastic. In the best traditions of Scooby
Doo, Rose completely fails to notice.
Later that evening, Rose and Mickey are eating in the incredibly
posh restaurant, Pizza Express. Overall the meal is going
successfully for the couple, until the Doctor arrives and begins
to beat Mickey about the head with a large fish.
Rose screams at the Doctor, angry that he is ruining a romantic
night out, and she informs the Doctor that she will press stalking
charges if he doesn't leave immediately.
The Doctor smiles, and as a rebuttal to Rose's comments, rips
Mickey's head clean off his shoulders -- then screams in surprise!
Mickey has been replaced with living plastic!
The Doctor tells Rose to run like hell, as Mickey transforms into
a headless plastic killing machine.
Inside the alley, with Mickey in hot pursuit, the Doctor drags
Rose into the TARDIS and closes the doors. While Rose is stunned
the Doctor explains that Rose is but a minor distraction in all of
this. Mickey is the one is he truly after.
Rose wants to know why, and the Doctor shows her a small yellow
piece of paper with some strange squiggles on it. The Doctor
explains that from time to time he leaves himself little yellow
sticky post-it notes around the TARDIS. In order to bend the rules
of time travel, all the notes are in a vague, but understandable,
ancient Gallifreyan code.
The sticky note he's working on now reads "A incompetent person
will defeat an alien invasion".
The Doctor explains that as he knows who the aliens are, and
roughly where they are located, he just needed to find the most
incompetent person in the area -- and that would be Mickey.
The Doctor takes off and lands the TARDIS next to the Millenium
Wheel - explaining that he bought his tickets in advance, a thousand
years from now, and so he won't have to wait in line.
When they leave the TARDIS however they are shocked to find that
instead of getting an express trip on the Wheel, they are instead
deep in the nerve centre of the Nestene Consciousness.
The Doctor notices Mickey is here as well and breathes a sigh of
relief. They obviously brought him here to maintain the copy and
didn't know that he would prove their undoing.
For a bit of a laugh, the Doctor decides to enter diplomatic talks
with the Nestene Consciousness, whilst juggling deadly anti-plastic
right above it.
Predictably the Nestene Consciousness takes this opportunity to
use the Millenium Wheel as a giant transmitter of evil, and every
piece of plastic in the world comes alive and starts to take
revenge on humanity.
In response, Mickey cries like a baby.
In the streets of London, mannequins ruthlessly dispatch their
victims with gunfire.
The Doctor is held captive by living plastic men, bent on his
The molten plastic lava of the Nestene Consciousness gives a battle
cry of victory.
Mickey screams, whimpers, and wets himself.
Rose - who is by this point totally pissed off and well beyond the
limits of reasonable sexual frustration, rips the anti-plastic out
of the Doctor's hands and throws it directly into the Nestene
It explodes - a lot, in slow motion.
Back inside the TARDIS, Rose and Mickey take deep breaths of relief
as the Doctor re-examines the yellow post-it note and realises that
he'd made a slight mistake in his decryption. The note actually
reads "A person will defeat an incompetent alien invasion".
The TARDIS lands in a dark, dangerous, alley. The Doctor grabs
Mickey roughly by the jacket and pushes him out the TARDIS doors,
slamming them shut behind him.
Book(s)/Other Related -
The days following up to the return of Doctor Who saw an obscene
volume of coverage in the print media. The Radio Times, Daily
Mail, The Times, The Sun, The Mirror, The Irish Racist, and The
Guardian, were just a few of the many publications to feature
Doctor Who special editions.
Most notably, and disappointingly, was the offering of
"Sex Magazine" which featured Billie Piper on the cover in a red
jogging suit with the headline "Just Look Inside! Page 68!"
For guide research purposes I acquired this magazine (by shoving
it under my jumper and running out of the news agents very fast,
it's not that I don't have the money or feel awkward about buying
pornography - it's just more sporting that way).
Upon flipping to page 68 I discovered a full page featuring
only the following text -
"So you don't have any nude photos
of Billie Piper then?
Well, neither do we - SUCKER!"
Needless to say, I felt deeply cheated -- I suffered a severe
asthma attack for that magazine!!
Links and References -
Even though the word Auton is never used, the Doctor does describe
them as "a bunch of plastic wankers" which matches Pertwee's
description to the Brigadier.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has changed form again AND picked up a northern accent -
What the HELL has he been up to these last 16 years?
Groovy DVD Extras -
Easily downloadable on all good bit torrent sites.
Dialogue Disasters -
ROSE: What about Wilson?
DOCTOR: Who's Wilson?
ROSE: The guy who makes the tennis balls.
DOCTOR: Oh. Wilson's dead.
ROSE: How do you know that?
DOCTOR: Easy! I killed him!
Clive's Wife: She? She's read a website about 'The Doctor'?
She's a she! And not just some androgynous guy!
Doctor: Think of it, plastic all over the world, every artificial
thing waiting to come alive: the shop window dummies, the
phones, the wires, the cables...
Rose: MY VIBRATOR!
Rose: This morning...oh never mind.
What about breast implants?
Doctor: So I see, it's more dangerous than I thought.
We're facing a full on Sexvasion.
DOCTOR: The assembled hordes of Beatlemania couldn't get though
that door and believe me they've tried!
CLIVE'S SON: Dad, it's another one of your weirdos.
ROSE: Just so you know, my boyfriend's waiting in the car
over there. Just in case you were thinking of
murdering me or something...
CLIVE: Right, got it. No murder. Can I just tie you up?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: This won't last, I'm gay and she's an alien.
Doctor: I hate to say this, but you humans, your species, you all
reek of beans on toast.
Clive: The Doctor is a legend woven throughout history. When
disaster comes, he's there. He brings a storm in his wake.
He has one constant companion.
Rose: Who's that?
Clive: Some tart in a mini-skirt.
Clive: If you've seen him Rose, then one thing's for certain...
there's going to be something large, something rubbery,
something goofy-looking, and it's going to kill us all.
Rose: Really though, Doctor, who are you?
Doctor: Do you know like we were saying, about the Earth revolving?
It's like when you're a kid... The first time they tell you
that the world's turning, and you just can't quite believe
it cos everything looks like it's standing still.
I can feel it.
The turn of the Earth. The ground beneath our feet is
spinning at 1,000 miles an hour. And the entire planet it
hurtling around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour.
And I can FEEL it. We're falling through space, you and me,
clinging to the face of this tiny little world, and it
makes me feel unbelievably queasy.
That's who I am Rose, A very queasy man.
Now forget me. Go home.
Viewer Quotes -
"I can't tell if they were special effects or mpeg artifacts,
but either way, they looked awesome!" - Ainitcoolrumours
"I heard the opening theme music and I cried for fifteen days.
I was so happy, my scarf was soaking wet." - David Philby
"I thought I downloaded the new episode, but when I started it
up it was just some old piece of crap named The Roof of The World.
So I deleted that and just watched Little Britain instead."
"I haven't seen it yet. I haven't submitted to temptation and
downloaded it, because I'm not swayed by the beast, and I'm
going to heaven when I die." - Marcus Gringer
"This whole story is SOO SLOW. The editing, the pacing, the
dialogue. It's all unbearably SLOW!"
- A man suffering from severe ADD whilst smoking crack
"And then, when I heard the sonic screwdriver sound effect.
That's when I really lost it." - David Philby
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"Buffy raised the bar. I'm very concerned about the modern
audience comparing Doctor Who to Buffy. It's not that I want
to steal from Buffy, or take concepts from Buffy. But I do
want to acknowledge the influence. And I think it's best to
acknowledge that influence BEFORE I take the script to "The Zeppo"
and use that in series two.
Do you think they invented the word 'Hellmouth', or is that
some Californian phrase?"
Billie Piper Speaks!
"I never really watched Doctor Who, but I knew the theme.
Chris insisted that it be played for our wedding reception."
Christopher Eccleston speaks!
"As a young boy I wasn't scared of the monsters, but I was scared
of the Doctor. He spoke in that eerie, received pronunciation
and used words like 'indubitably'. I wanted the Doctor to use
words like 'lad' or 'lass' and support Manchester United."
Rumors & Facts -
The incredibly long slumber of televised Doctor Who is something
that fans have complained and speculated about throughout the 90s
and up to the modern day.
The leading theories being -
1) The BBC is too proud to bring back Doctor Who. Even though it
was their most popular format of all time, bringing it back
would be to admit that cancelling it was a mistake in the first
2) The BBC is too stupid to bring back Doctor Who
3) The BBC is run by a bunch of mindless morons who are far far
too stupid to bring back Doctor Who
4) The BBC are a bunch of clueless morons who wouldn't recognise
a good business decision if it repeatedly bit them on the arse
and spelled out everything to them in simple words consisting
solely of one-syllable.
There are many other, harsher, fan theories out there on the
subject, but sometime in 2003 each of these theories became invalid
when it was announced that Doctor Who was coming back.
The fanbase was of course incensed and immediately set out in
violent arguments about why exactly the new series would suck,
countless months before any details of the series were actually
known. The leading theories being -
1) Whoever they cast as the Doctor will be a useless jerk, who will
deeply fuck it up
2) Whoever they commission to write the stories will be some lame
tv-loving traditionalist, who will deeply fuck it up
3) Whoever they commission to write the stories will be some deeply
self-involved post modernist Doctor Who novel author, who will
deeply fuck it up
4) The new series will be under pressure to appeal to the Americans,
who will deeply fuck it up.
5) The BBC is a clueless bunch of morons who will deeply fuck it up.
To put it simply, each fan was basically arguing that only THEY,
personally, could ever successfully bring back the series.
When news came down that Billy Nighy had not been cast as the
Doctor there was an immediate jump on the bandwagon again, and
fans began claiming that in desperation the BBC had cast some
trained monkey no one had ever heard of named Christopher
Eccleston - and now the show was almost certainly doomed to
And that looked like NOTHING when it was announced that Billie
Piper would play the Doctor's assistant. Piper famously being
described as "Some inane Brittany-Spears-wannabe who was stupid
enough to marry Chris Evans."
At this point fans were well and truly proud that they had used
logic to prove that the new series was a flaming disaster, a view
bolstered when the Sun printed pictures of nude women hugging a
Dustbin. (Even though WHY this was a bad sign, sorta escapes me
Later on, when actual details started to emerge about the series,
doomsayers happily pointed to the Guardian, the only newspaper
in the UK to give a negative review.
Therefore it must have been deeply galling for them when they
finally watched the episode for the first time that it wasn't a
wall-to-wall suckfest of crap. Now they have nothing to do except
complain about the next Star Wars film and the new version of