Aliens of Bethnal Green

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Massive Spoiler Warnings!!

Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

It's -

The One Hundred and Sixty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Daft Punk
Thanks to Bernie Fishnotes for a great quote

Episode 1.04 - Aliens of Bethnal Green - 

 Honouring a promise, the Doctor takes Rose back home to visit her
mother, a very short time after they left.

 Rose is shocked when her mother clutches onto her for dear life and
bursts into tears - then she notices a table covered with missing
persons flyers and posters, all with Rose's name and picture on them.
 The Doctor casually eats a few biscuits, takes in the situation, and
deeply annoyed he replies -

"What?  It's only been a year!  What's that in the cosmic scale of
things?  Stupid humans. 
  I wouldn't notice someone missing for at LEAST a decade."

 And with that the Doctor helps himself to another cup of tea and
the rest of the Jaffa Cakes.
(Opening credits - the TARDIS whizzes through time and space, takes
a wrong turn at the Battle of Hastings, swings back around and
lands firmly in the early 21st century)

 Jackie lashes out at Rose for her thoughtlessness in vanishing for
a year without so much as a phone call. Rose claims that sheís been
incredibly strung out on cocaine and thought she was only gone for a

  Jackie angrily points out that she left her razor blades and
mirrors behind.

 The Doctor explains that he travels around with massive amounts of
illegal drug paraphernalia and has been pimping Rose out to various
alien clients...

 The Doctor is deeply surprised when this story meets with anger and
suspicion, having not realised that -

1) Human beings don't know about aliens
2) Drug abuse is looked down upon
3) Prostitution is even more of a no-no

 "Oh, sorry.  I'm a few centuries out of date.  That story would
be been perfectly acceptable in the 23rd Century.  Hmmm....the
temporal equivalent I could use NOW would be - 'Rose and I have
been travelling through Europe in my Chevy Van and she's having
my love child.'"
 When this story ALSO seems comically out of date, the Doctor launches
into yet another explanation involving a Soy Farm, but is thankfully
cut short by Jackie slapping him and accusing him of luring away her
daughter for immoral purposes. 

 Rose is embarrassed and remorseful, but canít even begin to explain
where sheís been.
 Later, the Doctor sits with Rose on the roof and asks for tips and
advice on how to further traumatise her mother.  That was never his
intention, but now he's gotten a taste of it, and would really love
some revenge for getting slapped like that.

 In passing, the Doctor reveals that heís 900 years old, a member
of an ancient race called the Time Lords from the planet Gallifrey,
a direct descendent of Rassilon, Time's Champion, and quite possibly
Chairman Mao's most beloved tennis partner.

 Rose is stunned by the amount of name dropping and figure spouting
that the Doctor can just drop in passing whilst lighting a cigarette.

 The Doctor also admits that he was 215 before he lost his virginity,
and that was to someone who later became one of his many
archnemeses; Rose realises that this is just another of the many
things she canít discuss with anyone. 

 "I lost my virginity in a way unique to the Time Lords."

 "Oh, how's that?"

 "Behind the fridge."

 As Rose muses what itís like to be the only person who knows that
aliens really are out there, and how deeply fucked up they are,
an alien spacecraft sputters overhead and careens wildly across the
London skyline, belching smoke. 

 As they watch, the ship crashes and demolishes the Millennium Dome.
Delighted, the Doctor beings to rush off to investigate.

 Rose, who really can't be bothered, talks the Doctor into being
lazy and just watching the news on TV like everyone else. 

 The Doctor returns to Roseís flat, where Jackie reluctantly turns
off Big Brother so they can watch the news about the UFO crash.

 The world is on amber alert, flights have been cancelled over North
American airspace, and the Secretary-General of the UN has advised
people "To end your own lives NOW!! NOW before the Martians eat our

 There has been no sign of the PM since the state of emergency was
declared, he is eventually found cowering under a desk, asking
the President of the United States if it's okay to breathe.

 Most of the Cabinet has pissed off to safehouses in Aruba and
Barbados. Thus, Joseph Green -- the rotund MP for Hartley Dale, and
Chairman of the Parliamentary Commission on Illicit Pornography -- 
has unexpectedly become the acting Prime Minister.

 Joseph Green seems to be having difficulty handling the situation,
as most of his previous professional experience has been filled with
the duty of watching incredibly smutty material and then pretending
to be deeply concerned for the public health of Britain.

 Green is handed a booklet on what actions are to be taken during an
alien invasion, but it does not prove helpful in the slightest.

 The entire booklet, seemingly logically, assumes that the people of
the United Kingdom are in a fearful panic and need to be calmed and
controlled for their own safety.

 A quick look at the news reveals that the people of Britain are in
fact elated that the aliens have only attacked and destroyed the
Millennium Dome - something they had been deeply wishing would happen
for years.  So far people enthusiastically support the alien conquest,
and are happy that the aliens have taken all the expense and hard
work of demolishing the dome once and for all. 

 Night falls over London, and the Doctor is frustrated by the mundane
conversation between Jackie and her neighbours, he's secretly hoping
that EVERYONE gets voted off the island and HE gets voted off the

 Eventually he tells Rose that heís had enough, he's gunna piss off.

 The assures her that first contact with alien life is something the
human race can and must be left to handle on its own, especially as
he can't be bothered to help -

"The first aliens the human race meets, don't know who they are,
other than they must be shit drivers.  You'll have a lot in common."

 Rose is worried that the Doctor will leave her behind, so he hands
her a key to the TARDIS.  This makes her feel better, until he runs
for the TARDIS at break neck speed and takes off.

 Inside, the Doctor SEEMS to be caught up in a titanic struggle to
control the TARDISí flight, but upon closer inspection he's simply
re-built part of the console into an incredibly elaborate Whack-A-Mole

 The eventually TARDIS materialises in a storeroom in Albion Hospital,
and the Doctor puts down his sledgehammer and emerges from the TARDIS
cautiously -- only to walk straight into room where a scientist and
a pig in a spacesuit are playing poker and drinking tea.

"Oh.  Umm...sorry to barge into your top secret military installation
like this.....Fuck me, but is that a pig in a spacesuit drinking tea,
eating a Jammie Dodger, with a Royal Flush?"

 The scientist immediately folds, and embarrassed, the Doctor
apologises to the pig in the spacesuit.

 Before the Doctor can recover from his faux pas, a gang of soldiers
burst into the breakroom and shoot the pig in the head.

 The Doctor is horrified beyond all belief -

"Why in the hell did you do that?!?!?"

"You saw him sir.  He was a pig in a spacesuit.  Could be dangerous."

"HE WAS DRINKING TEA and Playing Poker!"

"Sounds damned suspicious for a pig if you ask me.  He was probably
a terrorist pig."

"So you just shoot first and ask questions never?"

"Policy sir. I wouldn't be a porcine terrorist sympathizer
would ya?"

 Later on the Doctor studies the corpse, and to his surprise it was
just an incredibly clever pig -- albeit a pig augmented with
bionic technology.

"This is such a tragedy.  I bet it even made that cool noise when
it ran really fast in slow motion."

 A random scientist points out that the technology used to augment
the pig is itself alien, which means that real aliens are responsible
for faking a false UFO scare. The Doctor wonders why the hell the
aliens would bother and returns to his TARDIS confused. 

 Mickey enters the Tylersí flat, and is furious to see Rose sitting
there with the rest of his neighbours, some old friends from primary
school, the guy who runs the kebab shop, and some new friends Rose
met that afternoon.

 Rose apologises for not visiting him, and explains that she sort of
forgot he even existed, but thatís not nearly good enough for Mickey.

 When Rose disappeared with no explanation, Mickey was charged with
her murder and was briefly placed jail while the investigation against
him continued.  During that time Mickey became the steady girlfriend
of one Bob "Bonecrusher" Harris.  

"And after they let me out of jail did I hear from him again?  Did I
even get a Christmas Card?  OF course not!  Why do I always end up
with such inconsiderate people?"

 Just then the Doctor appears to collect Rose. Mickey angrily accuses
the Doctor of ruining his life, the Doctor lamely tries to dodge
responsibility - but eventually admits that "Yes, I've actually
screwed you over pretty thoroughly mate."

 Jackie sneaks into her bedroom and calls the emergency alien
hotline number set up by UNIT in the 70s, or the 80s, or hell
maybe even the early 90s depending on your stance on UNIT dating.

 Jackie explains to blurts out her story, claiming that her daughter
is in danger because she's been lured into fanatical behaviour by an
alien terrorist called the Doctor.

 This phone call tips off UNIT, the official anti-terrorist taskforce,
and the current UNIT leadership is deeply pissed off at the Doctor
and seeking revenge.

 Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor explains that the crash landing was
faked, but by other aliens. 

 Mickey points out that that seems damned weird, and unlikely, and
it seems strange to start an invasion by destroying the one thing
that everyone in Britain would be glad to see go.  The Doctor agrees
and offers his own theory -

"I think it's a cultural misunderstanding.  A fluke.  You want to
terrorise an emerging civilization on the brink of galactic travel.
What do you target?  That giant dome in the middle of one of their
major cultural cities?  SOUNDS like a great target.

 Problem is, you don't know how monumentally stupid the human race is.
That they would put that much money and effort into something that
size and then decide 'Hang on.  That's a bit shit actually.'

 There's no way an intelligent alien race could have foreseen that.
You almost have to feel sorry for them."

 Happy with his explanation the Doctor goes back to fiddling with
the TARDIS, leaving Mickey and Rose to catch up.

  Rose assures Mickey that she did miss him, even though sheís only
been gone for a few days from her perspective. He tells her that he
spent the whole year looking for her, and that he never dated anyone
else - Rose thinks about this and says "Wow.  That's sad."

 Predictably, this was a tactless and hurtful thing to say, Mickey
bursts into tears.

 The Doctor jumps in between the two ex-lovers and harshly pushes
Mickey aside.  The Doctor explains to Rose that they need to get
further involved in this mystery and so he sets off the TARDIS to
10 Downing Street.

 When they arrive at 10 Downing Street, the Doctor is mobbed by the
paparazzi. The Doctor smiles, waves, poses for pictures, and does
his best to assure all the photos are done in attractive lighting.

 The Doctor admits to Rose that heís visited this planet a lot, and
these days, his arrival tends to be noticed.

 Eventually Rose drags the Doctor into the seat of government.
Inside, a minor politician, Harriet Jones is trying to mingle with
the visiting experts and eat all the sausage rolls she can before
anyone complains she's hogging the horderves.

 The Doctor is quickly ushered into a briefing room, leaving Rose
behind with Harriet, who tries and fails to make small talk with
her mouth completely full of pork pies.

 Rose notices that Harriet's snacking has gone completely out of
control, and she is even tucking into a discarded alien skin suit.

"Harriet.  I don't think you should eat that.  It's probably valuable
evidence about the invasion AND it's just really disgusting."

 Hoping to find some evidence of alien technology, Rose opens up a
nearby closet "That's where I always hide my alien technology."
she explains.
 Instead of a cool piece of alien gear -- a body tumbles out.
Rose and Harriet are both appalled by the discovery - until they
realise that it's only the Prime Minister -- and then somehow the
whole incident seems incredibly funny.

 The Doctor walks into the briefing room, flips through the agenda
within seconds and immediately picks out the most important detail -
There is no planned tea break on the agenda!

 The Doctor speaks up, pointing out that whoever planned this meeting
could not have possibly been British. 

 Rumbled, the aliens reveal their true form; they are the Slitheen,
and look like giant, partially melted, baby-faced dolls.

 Everyone in the briefing room bursts out laughing at their
ridiculous appearance, the aliens are left completely humiliated!

Book(s)/Other Related - 

Doctor Who In A Rather Acceptable Adventure With The Slitheen!

Rose: A Website of Lurid Paintings And Rambling Erotic Fantasies

The New Adventures of Mickey #1: Prison Break!

Links and References - 
The Doctor mentions he used to work for WANK (World Allied Nations
Killingforce), later publicly known as UNIT

Untelevised Misadventures -
Mickey's vivid and dramatic tellings of prison love, which we 
thankfully were spared flashbacks of

Groovy DVD Extras -
Those flashbacks I just mentioned.

Dialogue Disasters -


  Rose: OW! I just stubbed my toe.



Doctor: Do you mind not farting while I explain the plot?


Dialogue Triumphs -


Mickey: Oh yeah, don't think I sat on my backside for 12 months
        Doctor, I read up on you, you look deep enough on the
        Internet or the History books and there's his name,
        followed by a list of actors who've played him.


Viewer Quotes -

"I didn't actually watch this episode - I was far too busy uploading
it illegally for people in America and Germany."  - Tubshave (2005)

"You might be cruel and call me a sad loser, but I timed how
much actual airtime was taken up with farting on the BBC 3 repeat and
it's less than 20 seconds. That's 3/4 of 1% of the episode. And
hopefully there won't be any more next week, so that's 0.37% of the
whole story."  - Mageboy97 (2005)

"Saturday 26th March was the best day of my entire life. I have a
small collection of Dr Who videos and DVDs and occasionally enjoy
rewatching them. I have to admit that although I really enjoy them,
they don't quite bring back the feelings I had when I first watched
them as a young man, deeply confused about my sexual attraction to
bananas and men with scarves. So, although I knew I was going to
enjoy the new Dr Who it was with a level head and moderate
expectations when I sat down on that Saturday.
 The second I heard the new, revamped theme, it burrowed itself into
my brain like a hungry squirrel, and evoked memories of Saturday
nights past and literally made me cry. I cried like a baby. And cried
and cried.  Until my boyfriend asked me to shut up."
                     - Derek Who (2005)

Russell T Davies Speaks!

"When Science fiction is going badly, it can be very bland, very 
painful, and depend on the acting of someone like Paul Darrow, and
that's a situation no one on the new Doctor Who wanted to get into.

 I wanted to make a truly British science fiction series. Where, sure,
lives were on the line and every second mattered, but everyone still
felt that it was vitally important to stop for the occasional cup
of tea and a custard cream.

 And to make Doctor Who truly British has been fantastic. 

 One of the things that makes me laugh is when I read something
which says 'gay writer of Second Coming, Casanova and Queer as Folk
has made family viewing an event'. 

 It just shows that anyone can write anything. All that pigeon-holing
that goes on is nonsense. No writer should ever sit there and think -
I'll only write gay things. 

 I mean, sure, I'm going to have a few bisexual characters here and
there, and a very tender man-on-man kiss.  But that's well outside
the pigeonhole."  

Christopher Eccleston speaks!

"Why did I take the role of the Doctor?  Three simple words -
'Russell T Davies'.  I love his writing.  And I want to carry his
love child."

Rumors & Facts -

 The day of this episode's transmission coincided with the
revelation that David Tennant would be appearing nude in Home and
Gardens Magazine - on his own insistence, even though it was entirely
inappropriate for the magazine.

 Later in the day it was also discovered that he was to be Doctor Who.

 In the finest traditions of Doctor Who, it looked like the programme
was once again back on track, in a way not seen since the days of
Tom Baker.

 Tennant had appeared in several Doctor Who audio dramas, playing
such memorable characters as - "Janitor", "Young Man", and
"Drunk Alien".

 He had also played a jukebox in the 2003 BBC webcast "Cream Of The
Shalka" (starring Richard E Grant as a version of the Ninth Doctor).

 Tennant had been interviewed about his Dapol collection just weeks
earlier for the BBC1 documentary Doctor Who: A New Dimension.

 Tennant had also recently worked as a gaffer on the 2005 version of
The Quatermass Experiment, doing...whatever the hell it is gaffers do.

 He had also got a bit part in the film adaption of "Harry Potter and
The Goblet Of Luke Warm Dragon Sick".

 To put it bluntly, the damned guy was the most blatant fanboy ever
let within 10 light years of the part!