An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Massive Spoiler Warnings!!

Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

It's -

The One Hundred and Sixty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Terror

Episode 1.05 - www.launchthemissiles.co.uk - 

 Every human in the briefing room is incapacitated with laughter --
but the Doctor isn’t human, and he's seen MUCH goofier looking aliens
before in his journeys through time and space (the Shrievenzales for

 The Doctor bolts out of the briefing room to fetch help, but the
soldiers on duty don't buy the Doctor's story of -

"All members of the government are aliens and I should know, I'm
alien too!"

 The Doctor tries to flee some more, but soldiers surround him in the
corridor, and Joseph Green orders them to execute him on the
spot; fortunately, they are pointing their guns the wrong way round
and end up shooting themselves dead.

 The Doctor can't believe his luck and he rushes into an elevator.

 Upstairs, a Slitheen I've ignored until now called Margaret, is
laying in wait for the Doctor.  When the Doctor stops on the floor
with Margaret on it, looks into her hungry, vengeful eyes, and senses
the horror of certain death - he does the sensible thing and presses
an elevator button for the next floor up.

 Margaret can scent the fear of her targets; it's not one of her
alien abilities - she's just a really weird lady. 

 Using her senses, she seeks the Doctor out.

 The Doctor is hiding out in the Cabinet office desperately trying
to increase his own flammability by drinking an obscene amount of

 Harriet and Rose are also in the office and watch the Doctor with
extreme dismay when he explains his plan -

"Fantastic!  Fantastic Four that is.  All I have to do is keep
drinking all the port, and wine, and rubbing alcohol left behind in
the cabinet office and then WOOOSH!  I'll go up like the Human Torch.
Trap them all with my super powers!"

 "I think you'll just get unbelievably pissed, pass out, and sleep
through the entire apocalypse."

 "That's plan B, yeah!"

 Harriet tells the Doctor that she came to the Cabinet office hoping
to talk to someone in authority.  Harriet has been pushing her plan
for a full e-government for years.  Now the entire British electro
government is just days away from completion and she wants to arrange
a ceremony of celebration when the government becomes 100% Online.

 The Doctor looks at Harriet, laughs loudly spitting port everywhere
and begins to tell her a very funny story about a little dog.

 Laughing at his own story so hard that he can't finish it properly
the Doctor tries to straighten himself up after tripping over his
own feet - he regains his balance by grabbing a lever, which he
accidentally flips - instantly the office is enclosed by three-inch-
thick steel security bulkheads, sealing the Slitheen out
of the room; and, unfortunately, sealing himself and his friends

 Satisfied that the Doctor no longer poses a threat, the Slitheen
go out for a curry, before taking over the world.
 Rose wishes out loud that they could just launch a missile at the
Slitheen and get it all over with - "But there's no way to do that
from here."

 A wicked look crosses the Doctor's face and asks to borrow Rose's
mobile phone.

 The Doctor uses the mobile to call Jeremy Clarkson to see if he has
any bright ideas -- he doesn't.

 "Well, I knew it was a long shot.  Thanks Rose."

 Then, a sudden flash of realisation crosses the Doctor's face.
He takes one quick look at Harriet and picks up the mobile again.

 A deeply annoying monophonic ringtone version of "We Are The
Champions" blares from the cheapest phone imaginable --  Mickey picks

 Without hesitation or pleasantries, The Doctor instructs Mickey to
go to a website (www.launchthemissles.co.uk).

 He walks Mickey through the navigation of the site - which is just
double clicking the target and pressing "YES" when the "Are You Sure?"
message box pops up.
 Rose demands to know how in the world launching nukes could be so
point-and-click easy, and provided through an insecure internet

 "E-Government!  The UK pledged to have its entire network publicly
available by the end of the year; Whether or not it made any sense to
do so, and even if it could result in needless bloodshed."

 The missiles impact, the room shudders - 

"I hope I remembered to tell Mickey to refine the missile strike to
Downing Street, and not leave it on the default of London."

 Rose is worried that all this destruction might be pointless - 

 "But, what if the Slitheen survive the nuclear strike?  They're

 "YES!  Aliens!  And aliens WITHOUT National ID Cards.  The National
ID cards were actually secretly introduced to stop alien invasion.
They are 100% effective."


 "No idea!"

 Another missile strike rocks the building, outside the cabinet office
the Slitheen are rudely interrupted from devouring their take away
naan and chicken tikka masala when they are blown into a trillion tiny 
pieces and come to resemble the curry they were just eating.

 The steel box that was the Cabinet offices tumbles end over end into
the street, and the Doctor, Rose and Harriet emerge; alive, intact
without a scratch - into a post-apocalypse London filled with mutant
monsters of nuclear waste --

"See!  Everything is back to normal in good ol' London town!"
Announces the Doctor.

 Harriet Jones sees some journalists amongst the wreckage and begins
to tell them how the day's victory against the aliens was actually
the victory of her total e-government package.

 Finally, the Doctor remembers where he recognised her name.
Harriet Jones is going to be a future three-term Prime Minister, the
architect of Britain’s forthcoming golden age, and future wife of the
merciless Emperor Ming! 

 Rose returns home for a tearful reunion with her mother.

 When the Doctor calls Rose on her cellphone and learns that Jackie
has invited him for a Slitheen curry, he turns the invitation down
without hesitating.

 Feeling like a total bastard, the Doctor issues Rose a choice:
stay home with her mother, or come with him to Blackpool.

 When Rose seems unswayed by this offer, he ups the stakes to
Cornwall in 1972.

 Still undecided, he sighs and offers to take her the planet 
Florana, where mermaids sing enchanted melodies in emerald seas
of song - "But I have to warn you...there are none of those little
vans selling ice creams on the beaches of Florana."

 When Jackie finishes making tea in the kitchen, she finds Rose
packing up her belongings -- and, though she tearfully begs her
daughter to stay, Rose tells her mum to fuck off. 

 Night falls over London, or what bits of it are left.  There is an
eerie glow everywhere, that will last for another 50,000 years.

 Mickey has bought a newspaper, and is upset to find that the alien
attack is already being dismissed as an elaborate shock radio DJ

 It’s almost enough to make him agree with the Doctor that humans are
all idiots.  The Doctor tells Mickey that if THIS doesn't make him
believe once and for all BEYOND ALL DOUBT that human beings ARE
idiots, then, undoubtedly that is proof that they are!

"A very Escheresque argument.  Takes sometime to wrap the head

 Eventually, The Doctor concedes that Mickey’s not as bad as he
thought, and gives him a CD-ROM containing a virus that will destroy
the internet forever -

"Run it right away.  It's for the best.  No civilization needs that
much instant access to pornography."

 The Doctor also invites Mickey to accompany him and Rose, but Mickey
admits that the second he saw an alien he would wet himself and
start crying into his security blanket. 

 Mickey asks the Doctor not to tell that to Rose, however.

 When Rose shows up and invites Mickey to join them, the Doctor
speaks up, repeating everything that Mickey said and handing Rose
a video tape he secretly made of the conversation - in the hopes of
reviewing it for a laugh later. 

 Jackie, upset, pleads with Rose to stay, but Rose assures her mum
that she’s just going off travelling for a while -- and, since she’s
travelling in a time machine, she can be back in ten seconds no matter
how long she spends out there. She and the Doctor step into the
TARDIS, which dematerialises as Jackie and Mickey watch.

 Ten seconds pass.

 Then twenty.

 Then forty.

 Upset, Jackie returns to her flat to watch Eastenders... while Mickey
settles down with a laptop and points nukes at Milton Keynes. 

Book(s)/Other Related - 

How To Cause World War III With Only A Coupler Modem And A Dream

Doctor Who & The Fantastic Four Crossover Comic - The Cybermen Versus

Attack Of The Lesbian Ninja Squad (Okay, I have no legitimate way to
claim that this is related, but I heavily recommend it!)

Links and References - 
Lots of silly Doctor Who history references are seen on Mickey's
computer screen - 
 The websites www.wanktheunit.uk.gov

The latter of which includes explicit photos of Nicola Bryant.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor claims that he invented the internet to spread human
awareness and universal consciousness whilst working for UNIT;
but apparently within three minutes Benton and Yates were using it
to share porn with astronauts on the moon.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The entire contents of the spoof website "Who Is Doctor Who?",
including never before seen pictures of the 9th Doctor steering
Titanic DIRECTLY into the iceberg whilst laughing insanely.

Dialogue Disasters -


Doctor: Never in all my adventures have I met a race as crafty, as
        devious, and as deadly as the Slitheen.

  Rose: What??  Really?

Doctor: OH...Did I just say "Slitheen"?  I meant "Humans".

Dialogue Triumphs -


Mickey: You see they've known about light bulbs for years,
        they just kept us in the dark.


(Walking into Mickey's room)
Jackie: So what's that website then?

Mickey: All the secret information known to mankind-

Jackie: Looks like porn.

Mickey: OH SHIT!  SORRY JACKIE!  Wrong tab!
        Damn tab browsers!
        (Switches to different website)
        Here we go! All the secret information known to mankind!
Jackie: That's better.


Doctor: Mickey the Idiot...the fate of the world is in your hands.

Mickey: Really?

Doctor: Naw, I'm just pulling your leg.  Think I'd leave the fate
        of the world in the hands of a moron like you?

        Do you ever think I could be that desperate?  That stupid?
        Actually, I've just called Jeremy Clarkson and he didn't
        have any ideas, so.....Yeah, it is up to you.

        God help us all.


Harriet: If he's an alien, why's he got a Manchester accent?

   Rose: Lots of planets have a Manchester.


Viewer Quotes -

"The Ninth Doctor was removed and reserved, keenly aware of the
divide between himself and the humans he encountered. His haunted
past affected him deeply indeed.  This was a sadder and angrier
Doctor, the weight of his life decisions destroyed his confidence
and preyed upon him greatly. A leather jacket can do that to ya."
                             - FashionGuru (2005)

"This episode was really scary. Even the farting was sinister."
                             - Gimpboy97 (2005)

"Somewhere in the episode there's this line from Jackie -

'I'll get a proper job, and if Jim comes round I'll say no.'  

 So I took this to mean that Jim is Jackie's pimp who we never see.
Now my friends think I'm crazy to say that Jackie is a working girl
but, I can't figure out HOW she pays her bills.  
 I mean, I guess she doesn't HAVE to be a hooker.  She could always
be something more respectable...like a stripper or something."

      - My friend Dave's surreal sexual fantasies, shared at last!

Russell T Davies Speaks!

"I spent years in the 'Children's Writing Ghetto'. I would slave
away in a damp BBC offices, writing hour after hour of children's
television with my fellow inmates.

 Once a month we were invited to speak with the head of the
entertainment department, and once a month I would ask if I could
branch out and do some other serious writing projects.

 They would take one look at me and say 'But you only write
children's television.  And children are morons!'

 And then the flogging would begin.

 Personal abuse and flogging...I miss those days."

Christopher Eccleston speaks!

"When I heard that my personal hero and idol, the magnificent and
wise Russell T Davies was going to do Doctor Who, I immediately
contacted him, begging him for the role of the Doctor.

 To my amazement, he offered me the role, and without a second of
hesitation I drafted my resignation letter, explaining that I would
be leaving after 13 episodes.  Then, a few weeks later, I got around
to writing the acceptance letter.

 I think it's very important to quit a job as soon as possible after
getting it, so that way you know in your head EXACTLY how long you'll
be in it for.

 Doctor Who was a personal triumph for me, because it was the FIRST
time I could confidently draft the rejection BEFORE the acceptance.
A life long dream."

Rumours & Facts -

 Recently there was a Blue Peter contest which allowed children to
design their own Doctor Who monster.

 44,000 children entered their designs.  Not having seen the entire
set of 44,000 monster designs drawn in crayon by young children, I
can not claim to be definitive, but I would put good money down that
each of them were better designed and thought out than the Slitheen!

 If only the Slitheen spent more time killing and conquering the world
and a whole hell of a lot less time flatulating, there could have
been some true Doctor Who magic.

 Still, it had taken 42 years for Doctor Who to bravely tackle farting
aliens -- we can only hope it waits another 42 before exploring the
subject again.