Dustbin

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Massive Spoiler Warnings!!

Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!








It's -

The One Hundred and Sixty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Maleficent Scottish Terrier


Episode 1.06 - Dustbin - 

 The Doctor is desperate to impress Rose. How desperate?  Horny
schoolboy desperate to impress the girl of his dreams.  The Doctor
realises that it will take something more than playing the spoons
or showering gifts of tacky robot dogs. He needs to prove to Rose
that he is a man of power -

 "Now I told you that the TARDIS can go anywhere in time and space.
It can materialize in the heart of a blazing sun or in the event
horizon of a black hole."

 "But then....wouldn't we die or something?"

 "Well...yeah.  BUT!  It can also materialize UNDERGROUND.  Deep
underground.  Through earth, through concrete, deep down into the
hidden abyss that time itself has forgotten, to reveal to us secrets
never before shared with human eyes.   WANNA SEE???"

 "Not really.  But, hey, go for it."

 "FANTASTIC!  You're gunna love this Rose!"

 The TARDIS lands in an underground bunker in Utah in the year 2012.
The Doctor emerges smugly from the ship, and leans against the
doorframe extending his arm outward as Rose walks by.

 Rose sees that they are in a giant room full of display cabinets
containing alien artefacts; broken Mars probes, canisters of TANG, 
the in-flight magazine from the Roswell spaceship, some curious
artefact that appears to be either a death ray gun or some devilishly
complex sex toy, and the head of a Cyberman. 

 Again, desperate to impress Rose, the TARDIS explains the true
purpose and history of the items before them, looks into the middle
distance and says -

"Somewhere, something in this collection is alive, Rose.  It's
alive and calling for help. I can sense it.  I can feel it crying
out to me. And you know how?  Because I'm alien Rose.  A-L-I-E-N.
I'm as alien as they come."

 "But, wait.  You've just landed us in someone's ultra-secret alien
collection.  Are you a moron?  That whole feeling an alien presence
bollocks is probably just something they've set up to trap aliens.
You've just volunteered to be the prime exhibit!"

  Immediately the Doctor and Rose are surrounded by armed guards. 

 The Doctor grins widely "Don't worry Rose, this means we get to
escape.  I love escaping.  It'll be fun.  You'll see." 

(Opening credits - The TARDIS whizzes through time and space at
momentous speed, takes a breather to have a fag, and then
continues...)


 Henry van Statten arrives at the bunker to view his collection.
Statten is formulating a new television series "Alien Antiques
Roadshow". Unfortunately the only person with the experience to
host the show is him, and when he does get potential experts he
always ends up having to wipe their minds or kill them -

 "That's the ONLY thing holding back this show!"

 Statten is surrounded by a gang of high powered lackeys. 
In passing, Statten orders that the US President be replaced
with a potato; when his personal assistant, George Noory, politely
questions the feasibility of this order, van Statten fires him on the
spot, and his guards drag Noory away to erase his memory and dump
him on the side of the road somewhere. 

 Statten finishes his Mint Mocha Chip Frappaccino With Whipped Cream
and Caramel and tosses it into a receptacle that immediately screams
in intense pain -

 "Hey, and someone should look at this space trash can.  It's acting
all funny again."


 The Doctor and Rose are brought before van Statten, who is examining
the new alien artefacts bought at auction by another of two of his
employees, David Dickinson and a young man named Adam.

 The Doctor shows van Statten how to use one of the artefacts, a
complex and intricate toaster oven from the planet Mechanus,
but van Statten then tosses it aside and demands to know how the
Doctor managed to get into his vault.  

 As he questions the Doctor he finishes off the last of his
Supersized Chicken McNuggets and tosses crumpled up paper into the
same receptacle which gushes out with long, mournful sighs of agony. 

 The Doctor is stunned "Wait a minute.  You're throwing your rubbish
into that thing?"

 "Yeah.  It's a space trash can.  I'd be careful though Doctor.
Notice how I always toss the trash in from a safe distance?  It's
not to practice my basketball moves. I'm a master at hoops.
It's just that the last person to touch the 'Metaltron' burst into
flames."

 "Metaltron?"

 "I was a HUGE Voltron fan when I was a kid Doctor.  I call my desk
The Woodentron.  I call my windows The Glassytrons. I call my peni-"
 
 "YEAH! Okay.  I get the idea."

 The Doctor looks closely at the rubbish bin, it is surrounded by
old McDonald's coffee cups, candy wrappers, and tissues - obviously
Statten isn't quite the basketball pro he claims.

 The Doctor isn't entirely sure, until he sees the giant flashing
lights on top - it IS a Dustbin.  A living Dustbin.  An incredibly
DIRTY living Dustbin.

 The Dustbin also recognises the Doctor and it tries to exterminate
its enemy, but after a moment of blind panic, the Doctor realises
that its squeegee isnít working. 

 Simultaneously relieved and enraged, the Doctor viciously lashes
out at the powerless Dustbin -


 "There you are!  The LAST of your kind.  You pathetic creature!
You can't even clean YOURSELF!  Oh the torture, the AGONY of having
things bounced off you, all this rubbish surrounding you, HUH!?
It must be unbearable.  FAN-TAS-TIC!

  Soon you'll be covered, in a mountain of rubbish, by a very rich man
who can not play basketball to save his life!  An ironic destiny for
the last of a species devoted entirely to cleanliness!

  And no one will EVER help you.  WHY?  Because I've KILLED every
single last Dustbin in existence!"


  The Doctor then falls silent, as if heís only just realising what
heís done or perhaps just running out of breath from the shouting.

 When the Dustbin questions him about the Time Lords, the Doctor is
forced to admit that they are a bit more toasty and dead than he'd
like, victims of the Time War.

 The Doctor and the Dustbin are the last of their kinds in the
Universe.

 When the Dustbin points out that this gives them something in
common, and maybe they should go out for a coffee sometime, the
Doctor is briefly confused and then deeply infuriated.

 "What?!  Go on a date?  WITH YOU!?"

 Filled with rage the Doctor finds a packet of ketchup on the floor,
rips it open, and sprays it all over the Dustbin.

 "TAKE THAT!  CLEAN FREAK!"

  Van Statten stands up in shock and orders his guards to drag the
Doctor out - "NOBODY!  AND I MEAN NO-BODY messes with a Van Statten
Space Collectible!"

 The Doctor demands that they destroy the Dustbin before itís too
late. Van Statten ignores him and addresses the Dustbin, pointing
out that heís saved its life and demanding that it speak to him. 

 Just then David Dickinson walks in with a fresh gourmet coffee and
sees his boss on his hands and knees, begging his rubbish bin to
talk to him -- he immediately turns out of the room again.


 Adam shows Rose his bedroom, it's cluttered from floor to ceiling
and Adam tries to pass off every object in the room as mysterious
unclassified alien artefacts. When Rose stumbles on a 4 foot long
replica of the Liberator, Adam finally confesses -

 "Okay, this is actually my prop collection.  That strange Laser
Cannon I said was from the planet Algernon, was actually a bazookoid
from Red Dwarf, and that 'statue depicting an alien from the planet
Arkanax', was actually just my Lorne action figure. Ummm....do you
like Angel or Buffy or anything?"

 Bored, Rose asks to be taken back to the Doctor.
 
 On the way back to Van Statten's office, Adam explains that he was
a child prodigy; his boyhood heroes were astronauts and Spike.
Van Stattenís agents found him at a Cult TV festival and put him
to work here, "You just won't believe how much alien technology
actually matches PERFECTLY with human science fiction.  My
encyclopaedic knowledge of Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica made
me INVALUABLE to their investigations and back engineering work."


 The Doctor tries to convince van Statten that the Dustbin poses a
terrible threat. Like all Dustbins, it has been genetically
engineered to have no emotions but hatred for anything it perceives
as untidy.  

 "And Human beings are just about the most untidy thing you can
imagine.  Breathing in and out, spreading germs, flaking off skin,
dandruff, belly button lint, those insanely long hairs that come
off in the shower and you just stand there in amazement thinking -
'Wait, my hair isn't THAT long.  Did bigfoot use my shower this
morning?'
 For humans, a strange enigma, but to the Dustbins, it spells out
your death warrant."
 
 Van Statten carefully considers the Doctor's input and then replies -

 "Dude.  It's a trash can."


 Bored, Van Statten orders that the Doctor be medically examined in
painful and humiliating ways - "Passes the time.  Way better than
just watching TV."

 The Doctor is stripped down and placed in a device that scans his
body whilst causing needless pain.  Eventually it makes a strange
bleeping noise as it determines that the Doctor has two hearts.

 Van Statten explains that he has made his money by scavenging alien
technology and patenting the reverse-engineered results - a really
neat idea he picked up from watching his favourite show, Babylon 5.

 The Doctor makes another heartfelt attempt to convince him that the
Dustbin must be destroyed; now that it knows the Doctor is here, it
has a reason to break free, and if it does, nobody on the planet
will be safe and worse of all, it MIGHT have just been serious when
it asked him out on that date. 

 van Statten ignores him, and continues the scan. 


 Adam uses his emergency pass to get Rose into Van Statten's office.
Knowing only that itís been tortured, Rose tells the Dustbin that
her friend, the Doctor, can help it. 

 The Dustbin, reacting to the Doctorís name, asks Rose if she is
involved romantically with the Doctor.

 "Not in the traditional sense.  Why?"

 "Umm...arhhh...j-ust cur-i-ous." Replies the Dustbin.

 The Dustbin quickly changes the topic and tells Rose that it is in
terrible pain, and claims to welcome death now that itís met one
human who does not secretly fear it. 

 Before Adam can stop her, Rose rests her hand on the Dustbinís shell
out of pity... 

 The Dustbin absorbs DNA from her handprint, extrapolates her
genetic material, begins a cellular regeneration process, heals
itself, and calls up for a pizza delivery before Rose even realises
what has happened.

 Rose backs away as the Dustbin moves for the first time in 50 years.

 David Dickinson storms into the office, and scoffs when the Dustbin'
raises its brush towards him...until the brush lunges forward, 
smacks him in the face, and crushes his skull. 

 Rose and Adam flee from the office.  Adam seals the door behind them
and announces a red alert. Upstairs, van Statten and the Doctor hear
the alarms blaring.

 The Doctor orders the stunned van Statten to free him if he wants
to live. 

 Van Statten's personal army is pumping countless rounds of ammo into
the Dustbin, however bullets have little effect on it. The Dustbin
trundles over to a computer and smashes its dustpan through the
screen, drawing energy and data directly into its body.

 Within seconds the Dustbin has downloaded the entire internet and
begins to have awkwardly conflicting emotions about humanity.

 After consulting the full stream of recorded human experience it
finds that it agrees most with the blog entry of one MiseryRose -
"It's like the whole universe sucks.  And I kind of want it to go
away sometimes. But puppies are cute."


 Rose and Adam continue their stratagem of running in the opposite
direction as fast as possible as more guards rush forward to surround
the Dustbin.

  The guards open fire on the Dustbin, but van Statten orders them to
stop, insisting that his "One-of-a-kind living space-trash-can"
must not be harmed. 

 The order is pointless however as the Dustbin has a force field that
melts the bullets before they so much as scratch its armour.

 The Dustbin swivels about in place, its top and torso moving
independently from its base, shooting steaming hot cleaning liquid
at its victims until it has slaughtered every single guard in the
now spotless corridor. 

 Van Statten wants to negotiate but the Doctor informs him -

 "The only thing it wants is to clean us to death, and then tidy up
the corpses."


 Rose and Adam have actually used the time wasted by the Dustbin
as it tidies up it's victims, to run pretty far away.

 However the Dustbin, annoyed by the deep grime covering the floor
decides to return to it later after everyone else is dead.  It also
decides it does not want to come into contact with the unclean 
surfaces -- so it hovers. 

 The Doctor now has no choice but to seal the vault.

 The Doctor calls Rose on her cellphone -

 "Hello Rose. Look, I need to seal you in at level 46. That thing
is hovering around, and frankly, it's starting to freak me out.
Remember, use Adam as a human body shield, and I hope to see you
in a few hours.  Cheers!"

 Adam manages to slide under the bulkhead as it descends, but Rose
is still fiddling with her phone and therefore trapped on the other
side. 

 As the Dustbin closes in on her, Rose picks up her mobile, calls
the Doctor, and begins to scream obscenities - blaming him for just
about everything - mostly because it's actually all his fault.

 The horrified Doctor hears the Dustbin start up its power hoover.

 But Rose is in fact still alive, and sweaty from the running - NOT
CLEAN AT ALL.

 The Dustbin is as surprised as she is. 

 It scrubs the entire area to either side of her, but for some
reason it canít bring itself to kill her, for it finds that it
comprehends her fear. 

 When it took her DNA, it took much more than just some hot babe
building proteins... 

 The Dustbin uses Rose's mobile to contact the Doctor.  It reveals
that Rose is still alive and filthy -- but she wonít be for long
unless the Doctor opens the vault and lets the Dustbin out. 

 The Doctor agrees and frees the Dustbin.  Immediately the Doctor
runs to Adam's room to search through his "alien weapons collection".
Not realising that they are actually just props, the Doctor grabs
the Red Dwarf bazookoid and strides off to confront the advancing
Dustbin.

 As the Dustbin approaches van Stattenís office, Rose begs it not
to clean him, but it doesnít understand why it shouldnít; its
function is to clean everything in the universe, to make it sanitary,
to bring it to perfection.

 But at the same time it has no idea why itís allowing Rose to stand
next to it, while she's so disgustingly grimy.

 The Dustbin confronts van Statten and demands to know why he
tortured it -

 "GET THIS THROUGH YOUR THICK LITTLE DOME --  I, THOUGHT, YOU, WERE,
A, TRASH, CAN!"

 Rose stops the Dustbin from mopping van Statten, insisting that
there must be something else that it wants, and after a moment,
the Dustbin admits that it wants a Flake. 

 "A Flake?"

 "YES-I-CR-AVE-ITS-CHOC-LAT-E-LY-GOOD-NESS!"

 Van Statten is stunned - "What the hell have you been doing to my
cool killer trash can from outerspace?!  You've completely sissified
it!"

 Rose accompanies the Dustbin to the upper level of the bunker,
where it blows a hole in a vending machine.

 The Dustbin opens up its battle armour to reveal the mutant inside,
a pathetic, tentacled, one-eyed blob that paws feebly at a Flake
wrapper.  

 Eventually, out of pity, Rose unwraps the Flake and hands it to the
Dustbin. 


 The Doctor arrives and raises his gun, ordering Rose to step aside -
but she refuses, pointing out that the Dustbin has held back from
killing and is now enjoying a Flake. 

 The Doctor is completely baffled.

 In fact he is so confused that he drops the Bazookoid, with a plastic
crash.

 The Dustbin canít cope with the changes itís experiencing; the Flake
is living up to its name and chocolate flakes are falling everywhere
AND it doesn't give a damn.  

 The Dustbins believe themselves to be the supreme beings in the
Universe, and since this Dustbin is changing, itís no longer a pure
Dustbin.

 "I-AM-EAT-ING-CHOC-O-LATE.  I-SEN-SE-PLEAS-URE.
  I-MAKE-A-MESS-WITH-CRUM-BLY-BITS-OF-CHOC-O-LATE.
  I-CAN-NOT-BE-ARS-ED-TO-TIDY-IT-UP.
  THIS-IS-NOT-LIFE. THIS-IS-SICK-NESS."

 The Dustbin begs Rose to order its destruction, and she eventually
does so. The Dustbin closes up its battle armour and rises into the
air. The Doctor and Rose watch from a safe distance as the bumps on
the Dustbin's base separate from its armour, encircle it in a sphere
of energy, detonate and shrink away to nothing. 

 The last of the Dustbins is dead. 

 Either that or it's just teleported itself to a nice vacation spot
in Spain.

 We will never know.


 The Doctor and Rose return to the TARDIS, where the Doctor sadly
ponders his status as the last survivor of the Time War; now heís
truly alone, apart from Rose. 

 The Doctor brushes Rose's hair tenderly, looks into her eyes, and
before he can speak, Rose asks -

 "Can I bring Adam along?  He seems really nice.  And I think he
might be looking for a shag."

 The Doctor looks deeply disappointed and pissed off when he gives
in to Roseís pleas and invites Adam aboard. 


Book(s)/Other Related - 

Area 51: How The Amateurs Do It, by Henry Van Statten

The Dustbins Big Collectible Book Of Crap


Links and References - 
The Doctor claims that he has faced the Dustbins on no less than
5,083 occasions and he's killed their entire race forever and 
ever on most of those adventures. (See any previous Dustbin story)

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Dustbin seems to have some past relationship with the Doctor
involving a nightclub, the mafia, and Albert Einstein.

 
Groovy DVD Extras -
The most annoying commentary in history - as done by the Dustbin
voice.


Dialogue Disasters -

----

Adam: When I was eight I logged onto the US defence system,
      nearly caused World War Three.

Rose: Actually, that was a movie called 'War Games'

Adam: OHH!  OH YEAH!  Sorry.  I always get my life and movies
      mixed up.

----



Dialogue Triumphs -

-----

 Doctor: I'm gunna wipe the floor with you!

Dustbin: YOU-WOULD-MAKE-A-GOOD-DUST-BIN.

-----

 Doctor: What's the nearest town?

Statten: Salt Lake City.

 Doctor: Population?

Statten: One million.

 Doctor: All dead. 

Statten: All of them?

 Doctor: Well, fine.  Not ALL of them.  There's always the
         freak survivor.  But "All dead" was so dramatic and
         catchy.  Couldn't help myself.
 
         Sorry.
------

Doctor (mockingly): Awww, look at the cute little Dustbin frozen
                    in the corner.  Why, you even have a teeny tiny
                    little name tag right on your silly little face.
 
                    Now what's the name of the last Dustbin in
                    the universe?

                    (The Doctor stands back in shock and horror!)

                    CHAVROS!

                    I should have known! It explains the Puff Daddy
                    look.

                    Chavros. Of course.
                    You've got an Asbo on every civilized world.

------------------------------------------------------------


Viewer Quotes -

"I cried like a monkey."  - Emotional Reviewer (2005)

"I watched this when it was accidentally streamed by the BBC.
There was some pixelization, and distortion, and audio loss...
but I still cried my freaking eyes out."  - American Reviewer (2005)

"A classic of Doctor Who!  I've already got a quote from it in my
sig, I've designed a t-shirt based around it, and I've voted it
as my favourite episode of all time -- all I have to do now is
watch it!"  - Fanboy37, (Briefly aftering seeing the trailer)

"That Dustbin just faked his own death, like Elvis!"
             - Fan theory I saw online somewhere (2005)



Russell T Davies Speaks!

"Dustbin has a lot of serious and gritty drama, but I can't yet
see us doing a hard sci-fi episode. 

 The essence of an early Saturday slot is to keep it simple;
something a distracted child or incredibly drunk teen could follow.

 Dustbin really benefits from that. It's completely pure and simple.
It was written in about 2 hours on a laptop and then never proofread,
and because of that, massively strong with plenty of typos.

 Underneath the simplicity is a whole storm of complex emotions
and ideas, which we can't really explore adequately in 45 minutes
so we tend to ignore them, and just cut to the Dustbin killing the
bejeebus out of people -- everyone loves that."


Christopher Eccleston speaks!

"The Dustbins are a very potent and special foe of the Doctor's.
Other monsters can maim him, or kill him, but the Dustbins are the
only ones that can make him cry.
They have a very psychological relationship going on there.
I talked with Russell about it, and we decided that the Dustbins were
like childhood bullies to the Doctor.
They'd steal his lunch money and pull down his trousers, kick him up
the arse, that sort of stuff.
They are pretty frightening."


Rumours & Facts -

 RTD knew that if Doctor Who was going to have a successful first 
series, he'd have to exploit the living hell out of the Dustbins.

 It was very important that the Dustbins LOOKED exactly like the
classic Doctor Who Dustbin design, but were still different enough
that you could market a noticeably different toy.  

 Unfortunately, Davies' plans were crippled with the announcement on
July 2nd, 2004 that negotiations between the BBC and the estate of
Dustbin creator Terry Nation for the use of the monsters had drawn
to an unsuccessful conclusion. 

 The BBC claimed that the Nation estate was demanding actual money,
which the BBC was reluctant to pay out on principal.

 The Doctor Who production team began devising a new monster -- 
Billy.

 Billy was described as a sadistic child who kills for pleasure.

 This idea eventually fell on its face when scripts came in with
lines like -

Doctor: We've got to stop Billy before he kills us all!

and 

  Rose: Who's that cute little boy, Doctor?

Doctor: Billy...my oldest nemesis. 
 

  Fortunately, the situation was resolved a month later due to the
hard work and dedication of The Sun Newspaper.  Sure, my actual
source for this was The Sun Newspaper itself, but their page 3 spread
was two naked women hugging a Dustbin...so who am I to question them?


 The episode met with some controversy when released on DVD.
The British Board of Film Classification refused a PG certificate to
the DVD release because they thought that the Dustbin had been
treated unfairly in the story.

 Instead of repeatedly shooting the murderous mutant, the BBFC
suggested a new edit which would show the Dustbin being taken to
counselling where he could discuss his OCD in a positive forum of
self-enrichment.

 The BBFC also ruled that the episode offers a bad example to
children; Worrying that children would bully and demean a robotic
killing machine should they ever encounter one on the playground.

 A spokesman for the board said: ďHowever cross one might be with
a Dustbin, for killing hundreds of people, being cruel is not the
way to deal with the issue. Some children might attack their 
fellow cybernetic pupils.  It is this form of racism we wish to
stamp out.Ē

 The BBFC are incredibly vocal on his issue, having given the same
reasons for ruling a 12 certificate for the film Terminator 3. 

 Truly, no other institution on earth is so dedicated to the health
and well being of our robotic masters.