An alternate Programme Guide by
Massive Spoiler Warnings!!
Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
See the ENTIRE archive and image site at -
The One Hundred and Sixty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Cricket Bats
Episode 1.07 - Monopoly -
The Doctor offers Rose and Adam a special trip, just a moment back
in time as it were, to the most fantastic Indian restaurant in London
in it's most fantastic year of operation - 2000 AD.
"I've never been able to work it out - maybe a sort of 'millennium
glow', but the peshwari naan was never sweeter, the chicken madras
never more elegantly flavoured. And the poppadoms. OH GOODNESS
THE POPPADOMS, Rose!"
Unfortunately the Doctor is so moved when relating this experience
that he accidentally types in a few extra 0s and lands them all
aboard a hot and ill-maintained space station in the year 200,000.
The Doctor, keen for his friends to overlook the error, tries to
make the most of their surroundings -
"The earth now has five moons and a population of 96 billion.
It's the hub of the Fourth Great, Magnificent, Wondrous, Bountiful,
All-Controlling Human Empire; Humility is completely out of fashion.
And so should it be! This era represents the height of human
The Doctor and Rose are unimpressed when Adam takes one look out
the window and faints dead away.
(Opening credits - The TARDIS whizzes through the time vortex at
incredible speed, gets a BIT dizzy so it stops for a moment, and
then hurtles ever onward)
The space station bursts into life as endless kiosks open for
business selling kronkburgers, plastic jewellery, and tiny glass
snowglobes with Satellite 5 in the middle (obviously representing
the very common sight of snowfall in outerspace!)
Rose isn't sure she buys the Doctor's quick intro the place -
"I thought you said THIS was the height of human achievement.
It looks like total crap to me."
"Actually Rose, I said this era 'represents' the height of
achievement. Much like how a painting can 'represent' a pipe but
in actuality be a piece of intellectual masturbation.
Still...it's pretty cool. Don't ya think?"
Bored with the conversation, the Doctor vandalizes a cashpoint
machine with his sonic screwdriver. The Doctor quickly gets the
cashpoint to shoot out three credit bars and splits them out
evenly between them.
As Rose takes the bar she comments "I can't believe you just did
"Oh. Yeah. Sorry. But it's the only way to get money here. I
know you might think it's stealing but-"
"No, I don't mean it like that. I mean, WOW, I can't believe you
just did that! Can the sonic screwdriver do that to any cash
machine? Like if we stopped by a Natwest later, or something?"
The Doctor pats Rose and Adam on their sides and tells them to
"Go out there you two. Investigate the local culture. Time travel
is like visiting Paris. You can't just read the guide book, you
gotta throw yourself in. Eat the food, use the wrong verbs, get
charged double, and end up kissing complete strangers. See it all,
do it all. Oh yeah, and if we bump into each other in the red
light district, you don't know me. Okay? It's safer that way."
Immediately after this we see the Doctor with two women - Suki
The Doctor is desperately trying to chat up the two ladies by asking
them about their jobs and trying to impress them with some psychic
paper he found as a free toy in a 50th century box of Wheetabix.
His attempts are so inept and amateurish the women are bewildered
at first, but then it occurs to Suki that the Doctor must be
"someone in management" and therefore is either guilty of an insane
level of sexual harassment or is just undertaking a surreal
management training exercise.
Cathica, who’s a total promotion slut, overlooks the Doctor's...
well she overlooks his entire personality actually..and explains
that they are on Floor 139 of Satellite 5, where the news is
faked and broadcast to the human empire on 6 million channels -
"We're just a sort of an...EVIL Comcast, actually."
"That's a bit redundant, innit?"
Elsewhere on the station, the Editor has sensed something amiss. He
is a man from the 2001st century who looks eerily like an albino
The Editor's office doubles as his fridge-freezer, and he hasn't
bothered to defrost in years.
The Editor orders his underlings to track down the disturbance he's
detected. The men and women stationed at the room’s computer
terminals are stiff and unresponsive, as if zombies.
Due to the brief first glimpse we are afforded, it is not possible
to tell if these are the unholy undead or just your typical,
run-of-the-mill, IT department.
Rose picks up a drink called Sludgy, which is the only beverage
known to man to be thicker than a McDonald's milkshake.
"I thought that was impossible! Wanna try some?"
Adam is too overwhelmed to try eating, drinking, or even BREATHING
anything - and so he quickly blacks out of asphyxiation.
Rose continues her valiant attempt to enjoy her drink, and uses
Adam's prone body as a makeshift table.
Rose fails to notice when Adam recovers and is completely unaware
that he has pocketed her cellphone.
The Doctor and his companions accompany Suki and Cathica to a
massage suite, where Suki joins a group of men and women around a
circular dais, while Cathica lies on a couch beneath a glowing
The Doctor explains that this is an elaborate wireless sex act that
requires lots of advanced technology and a slightly liberal attitude.
Unfortunately, all the sex happens off camera, and all we hear is
a lot of squelching, grinding, and something that sounds like the
loud POP when you open a jar of jam and break the seal.
Both Adam and Rose look away in disgust, as the Doctor smiles ever
The Doctor tries to explain the mechanics of it all, but obviously
it's all a bit too Barbarella for his companions.
Eventually Adam calms down and enjoys the show, but when a badly
done disco remix of Relax fills the chamber, the Doctor realises
that there’s something seriously wrong...
Meanwhile, The Editor is playing a game of Connect Four against one
of his compu-zombie slaves, showing a touch of his lighter and human
Rose and the Doctor's eyes are glued to the cyber-enhanced techno
orgy of the damned, Adam explains he's a bit overwhelmed by
everything and quietly slips out of the room; claiming that he needs
to be alone for a while.
Suki, apparently intoxicated by the glowing spheres of ecstasy(tm),
wanders around the building in a raging afterglow.
Eventually she finds herself in a lift, arriving at Floor 500.
Suki cautiously explores her surroundings, and finds a massage suite
like the one on Floor 139 -- with strange, slow moving undead
Within seconds she is confronted by the Editor and by her true
identity; she is not really Suki MacRae Cantrell, born in the year
199’89 in Hull; she is Strawberry Moonunit Revival.
"A truly horrible name. I can see why you changed it."
The only problem is that Strawberry Moonunit Revival was a
self-proclaimed celebrity chef - the penalty for which is death.
On the observation deck, Adam accesses a computer terminal and asks
it for a history of yoghurt from the 21st century to the present day.
The hyper-intelligent, self-actualized computer terminal, decides
that Adam is a bit crap and totally wasting it's time. So it refuses
to answer, and goes back to reading its fishing magazine.
Bored silly, Adam decides to become some freaky-arsed cyborg, just
because "All the cool kids are doing it."
Just for a laugh, Adam gets a chip implanted in his head. It turns
out to be completely useless - as they didn't even coat it with
salt and vinegar first.
After this insanely pointless chip-implant, he asks them to wack
a great big USB port in his head.
Adam gets the USB port and roughly the computing power of a C64
added into his brain. Unfortunately the operating system loaded in
is Windows MindSlave, and his brain crashes approximately every 15
"MS MS, the worst operating system in history."
Cathica’s massage centre has been shut down for cleaning, and the
Doctor takes the opportunity to question her further about her copy
of The Zero Gravity Kama Sutra For Beginners.
Cathica finally realises that she can't stand this guy a second
longer, and tells him to leave her out of whoever he’s doing.
She doesn’t actually ask him WHO he's doing, which the Doctor
points out is the exact opposite of the way journalists behave.
"Don't you want the candid photographs? The embarrassing gossip?"
The Editor's alarm bells ring fiercely. A keyword has been
triggered. The Editor looks at a panel and commands his zombie IT
"Someone has used the phrase 'candid photographs'. I WANT THEM!
NOW! DOWNLOAD THEM ALL!"
The Editor gets a few, grainy, low res shots that look like they
were taken on an antique mobile phone; Fascinated, the Editor orders
his minions to summon the Doctor and Rose to Floor 500.
The Doctor can't wait to be summoned however, so he promptly jumps
into an elevator with Rose and zooms off.
When they arrive at Floor 500 the pair is overwhelmed by a foul
stench, they are surrounded by standing figures - yellowed flesh
falling off their skulls, seemingly staring forward with their empty
eye sockets; the Doctor deduces that they are dead.
The Editor demands to know who the Doctor and Rose are and how
they’ve managed to keep themselves hidden from the Empire. When the
Doctor refuses to tell them, the Editor replies -
"Fair enough." And returns to his game of Connect Four.
The Doctor and Rose sit there silent, waiting for the shoe to
drop. The Doctor whispers to Rose that the Editor seems to have
a sadistic sense of humour, leaving them waiting, until he decides
to take action against them in his own time.
The Editor beats the zombie at Connect Four, drops the checkers out,
and starts the next game up immediately.
They continue to play the board game for several more moments until
the Doctor gets bored and annoyed -
"HEY! Remember US?! The intruders?! Aren't you going to
interrogate us? Torture us or something?"
The Editor glances over at them, raising an eyebrow. Then he
finally breaks a smile -
"I'm so sorry. I must seem terribly naive. You said you'd never
tell me who you are or how you defied the empire, and I just took
you at your word.
Do you really want me to torture you?"
"HELL YES!!!! What is wrong with you modern villains!? You're so
damned PC! I don't want any of this modern new age, namby-pamby
torture either. WE WANT THUMB SCREWS! Like the good old days!"
Rose is shocked. "DOCTOR!"
"Trust me Rose, I know what I'm doing."
Ten minutes later the Doctor and Rose are in tears as zombies hold
them down and the Editor twists in the thumb screws.
The Editor's heart doesn't seem to be in the act though, and he
tries to pass the time by talking about work.
"I've got good pay and good benefits. But my boss is a bit of a
nightmare. I mean, I've heard people call their boss nothing but
a giant slug -- but they haven't met the Mighty Jagrafess of the
Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe.
I mean, even the letter head is such a bitch."
As the editor rambles on about his job, the Doctor gathers that
the Editor works for a consortium of banks who are happy to let the
Jagrafess secretly rule the Empire as long as it ensures long-term
stability for their investments. Also he easily determines that the
Editor isn't very happy about the amount of vacation time he gets.
The Doctor asks the Editor why he doesn't quit if he's so damned
unhappy. The Editor explains that finding work as an evil mastermind
is hard enough, but landing a gig as an Evil Middleman, is near to
The Doctor mentions a great website, EvilJobServe, and offers to
act as a reference -
"I mean you're obviously a very professional torturer. One of the
best. And I should know, Napoleon tortured me once!"
The Doctor helps the Editor update his CV and he quickly lands a new
situation in Los Angeles - where evil middlemen are in high demand.
The Editor promptly offers his resignation and flees off the
station in abject horror.
The Jagrafess, useless without his middleman and having to rely on
his own resources, quickly and deftly runs the human domination
business into the ground.
The Doctor and Rose seem happy, until they discover that Adam has
gotten a USB port placed directly into his forehead.
"That looks SO TACKY!" Exclaims the Doctor.
The Doctor forces him into the TARDIS and takes him straight back
home. So angered is the Doctor that he destroys Adam's answering
machine, breaks a vase, and eats the entire contents of his fridge.
"There! That's what I call revenge! You'll have to go out and
buy all new groceries! My least favourite experience in the entire
universe. Let that be a lesson to you."
The Doctor pisses off, leaving the USB port in Adam’s head, even
though it will allow him to act as a pretty kick arse MP3 player.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Songs That Get Stuck In Your Head - How To Use Your Cranial iPod
Doctor Who - The Bastard Within
Doctor Who, Adventures In Rhyme and Space
(the 2005 theme song, techno version)
Links and References -
Instead of making up the broadcasts of an oppressive 2001st century
media state, the screens just show clips from Fox News.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor claims that he once beat Kublai Khan "In the most vicious
and deadly game of Connect Four ever seen!"
Groovy DVD Extras -
The deleted scene in which the Editor beats some of his zombies to
death with a cricket bat.
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: He's your boyfriend.
Rose: Yours now.
Editor: You're no fun.
Doctor: Let me out of these manacles and I'll show you how much
fun I am.
Editor: Oooooooo, so butch!
Rose: Has anyone ever told you that you look like an albino
Doctor: Rose, he's been dead for 198,000 years. There's no chance
he's ever even heard of him.
Editor: Wait a minute...is he that guy who did Spaced?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Editor: Sometimes I think the Mighty Jagrafess of the
Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe is just a monster.
I mean, I work for him, I kill for him, I clean his car...
and when was the last time I got a merit raise?
Hell, I've missed three consecutive cost of living increases.
Editor: Is a slave a slave if he doesn't know he's enslaved?
Editor: COOL! I KNEW that Camus bastard was wrong!
Rose: Your history isn't as good as you thought it was.
Doctor: My history is perfect. I see something I don't like; and
I just change it.
Viewer Quotes -
"Crap, but actually quite comfortable in being crap. It doesn't
really aim that high and it never really achieves anything;
just like my old flatmate at Uni." - Chris Zurichplane (2005)
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I wanted Doctor Who to be very pious, sombre, dark, and
angst-ridden. I was sitting there, primed and ready to have long
shots of Christopher Eccleston, standing in a leather trenchcoat in
the rain, crying his eyes out in silence, for minutes at a time.
With little, or no explanation.
But after about three minutes I got totally bored with that and said,
"Screw it. Let's just make something funny, scary, adventurous, and
as fast-moving as a crackhead chasing a ten pound note in the wind."
Christopher Eccleston speaks!
"The basic message of the show is "seize life and don't get caught
doing it". It's a kind of celebration of perversity in all its forms.
The Doctor himself is just a host, just someone who shows you these
weird, disturbing events.
The only thing interesting about the Doctor is the accent.
The Doctor is this eccentric intellectual into really weird shit.
And a lot of people seem to think you can only be into those things
if you speak with a lot of heavy breathing - like an obscene phone
Which, of course, is rubbish. I wanted to show everyone that you can
talk like a normal, every day person, and still be fantastically
Simon Pegg Speaks!
"Doctor Who was a big part of my childhood. I was always very deeply
into it. While the other kids were content to play the Cybermen and
other popular monsters, I would dress up as Jo Grant and demand to
The other kids thought I was insane, but I loved it."
Billie Piper speaks!
"No matter what you read in The Sun, it was my passion and conviction
that got me my first couple of jobs."
Rumours & Facts -
Simon Pegg only successfully completed his lines about his evil
boss "the Mighty Jagrafess of the Holy Hadrojassic Maxarodenfoe"
after tattooing the name on his left arm as an aid to memory.