The Doctor Fucks
An alternate Programme Guide by
Massive Spoiler Warnings!!
Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
See the ENTIRE archive and image site at -
The One Hundred and Seventy-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Luftwaffe
Special Thanks to Sarah Hadley for the title
Episode 1.10 - The Doctor Fucks -
The Doctor steps forward and addresses the gas-masked zombies like a
dominatrix. He promises to spank them all if they just return to their
rooms at once.
To his relief, they bow their heads sadly and return to their beds.
Showing a weird sense of timing, The Doctor takes Rose and Jack on
a guided tour of the hospital.
During the tour the Doctor makes a lot of thinly veiled remarks about
wanting to get a closer look at Jack's gun.
Jack insists that his gun is sure to please; it's a full on, giant
sized, sonic blaster with a digital blast pattern, originating from
The Doctor embarrassingly admits that all he has is a teeny, tiny,
sonic screwdriver from a 22nd century Radio Shack.
Jack reassures the Doctor that experience and technique go a long way
and that he invites the Doctor to blow up his weapons factory any
time he pleases.
Rose peels a banana slowly, and tries her best to ignore the
The Doctor, Rose and Jack enter room 802 to find that it’s an
isolated ward; the window has been smashed open, as if something very
powerful and angry escaped, and yet the room contains various sex toys
and pin ups of the sort found in the back of seedy garages.
Then, they realise they are not alone. They told the zombies to go
back to their rooms, and the blonde nurse from Cardiff has returned
Jack points his gun at the nurse, only to discover that he’s now
holding a banana and that Rose has the gun.
Rose disintegrates a hole in the wall, and as soon as she, the Doctor
and Jack have leapt through, Jack grabs back his gun and reintegrates
The nurse impossibly punches her way through, and the gas-masked
zombies then pour into the corridor from all directions, blocking the
As the zombies bear down on our heroes, death is certain.
Then, at the last moment, Jack cleverly saves his own arse and
The Doctor bursts into tears of rejection.
Rose grabs the Doctor and carries him away into a safe room, or
sex dungeon...it's hard to tell.
Within moments, a radio sparkles to life with Jack's voice.
He explains that he was just about to leave them all to die in the
hands of horrible zombies -- but then realised that his odds of
pulling with the Doctor or Rose are quite good; So instead of
starting with someone else all over again and getting wrapped up in
yet another person's crap, he'd best stick to the current duo of
losers he's got and try his best to get it off with them.
Rose tries using the sonic screwdriver on the concrete walls to
shake the bars free of the window, but the Doctor is confident that
Jack will come to their rescue.
The Doctor claims that Jack is a lot like Rose, except with a penis.
Rose is put out by the Doctor’s assumption that she doesn't have one.
"I had a lot of spare time and money on Satellite 5, you know?
If Adam could pick up a new accessory for his brain, I COULD have
gotten a little something as well. Maybe even a BIG something.
You never know.
Not until you frisk me. Want to frisk me Doctor?"
"Don't be silly Rose."
Rose screams in frustration and whacks the Doctor over the head
harshly with the sonic screwdriver.
The Doctor isn't entirely sure but he's beginning to suspect that
Rose might be a tiny bit jealous about something.
Rose forcefully grabs the Doctor and forces him to dance against
his will, they stumble around together very awkwardly.
So caught up in their tripping and falling, they fail to notice that
they have been teleported to Jack's ship.
Jack is amused to see what looks like Rose attempting to seduce or
wrestle the Doctor...or perhaps a little of both.
Rose tries to romantically clasp the Doctor's hands, but ends up
accidentally cutting his wrist on one of her sharp nails.
A cloud of nanogenes swarms around the Doctor's hands and fixes them.
Wanting some peace and quiet, Rose asks Jack to take them to the
crash site and leave her alone for awhile.
Jack realises that Rose doesn’t trust him, but admits to the Doctor
that the Doctor might have good reason; there are two years of his
own life that he can't recall. At first Jack thought that the
Time Agency took two years of memories away from him in some vast
conspiracy, but recently he's realised that he was just really drunk.
Meanwhile, Nancy breaks into the bomb site for a bit of a laugh.
The Doctor, Rose and Jack arrive at the crash site, and before Rose
can sulk off, Jack politely leaves them alone for a moment.
Rose asks the Doctor what the hell the deal is with Jack.
The Doctor explains that the people of the 51st century are a bit
more flexible when it comes to sex.
"Men, women, aliens, robots, it's all the same in the 51st century.
I once had sex with this plastic cup named Sheila, and let me tell
"NO! Actually, please don't!"
The Doctor is distracted from continuing when he hears muffled
voices from a nearby shed.
When the Doctor investigates he finds Nancy spouting off disturbing
filth to a gas-masked captor.
The Doctor frees Nancy and takes her to the cylinder.
In the hospital, the gas-masked zombies rise from their beds and
march towards the crash site...
When the Doctor and Nancy arrive at the cylinder they discover it
empty, just as Jack claimed.
The penny finally drops and the Doctor works out what's going on -
When the cylinder crashed, the nanogenes inside of it got out, and
tried to fulfil their programming by healing the injured. But they’d
never encountered human beings before, and the first human being they
found was the dead blonde Welsh nurse.
It was easy enough for them to restore her to life, but they didn’t
know what a human being was supposed to look like; thus, they assumed
that her injuries were normal physiognomy and that the gas mask was a
natural part of her face. Now they’re trying to fix everyone who
doesn’t match their template of what a human being is supposed to
look like -- and nothing will stop them until they’ve transformed the
entire human race into gas-masked zombies looking for.....
"Why in the hell would this nurse be looking for her mummy?" Ponders
Nancy brakes out in tears, insisting that this is all her fault, but
as the Doctor tries to console her, he realises what she means.
Nancy has a mysterious connection to everything that has happened
here. The blonde nurse was obviously into some pretty advanced stuff
for 1940s Britain. The zombies are all based on the blonde nurse.
The zombies, looking for their mummy, have hunted Nancy down wherever
"Of course! The 1940s aren't a very welcoming era for lesbian
couples into bondage and domination!"
Nancy has lied to everyone, including the Doctor, about their
The blonde nurse now pushes open the gates, snapping the padlock
without effort, and calling out for her mummy.
The Doctor warns Nancy that she’ll never stop looking, and tells her
to go to her lover and play out the roleplay fantasy.
Nancy does so, telling the blonde nurse zombie that she is her mummy
and that she's been a very naughty girl.
As Nancy touches the nurse, a cloud of glowing nanogenes surrounds
them both; the nanogenes are analysing Nancy’s DNA and learning from
their mistakes. And my are they terribly embarrassed about it all.
The cloud vanishes, and the Doctor rushes forward and removes the
nurse's gas-mask, revealing that she’s now perfectly healthy.
Nancy effectively reprogrammed them to understand what healthy
human beings are supposed to be like - chiefly...lesbians.
"So wait. Now the nanogenes are going to turn everyone on earth
into lesbians?" Asks Rose.
"YEAH! Isn't it great!? It will shake up the 1940s, that's for
The Doctor then draws the nanogenes towards himself, ensures that
they’ve all got the “software upgrade,” and flings them towards the
crowd of zombies -- and within seconds, they’re all perfectly
healthy, if somewhat confused, overly-sexual blonde Welsh nurses.
Rose is not amused.
"Doctor! You can't leave everyone on earth as a blonde Welsh nurse!"
"Yes I can. It will be fun!"
"NO! Fix them back properly."
Later, back in the TARDIS, Rose sits annoyed in one corner and
watches as the Doctor and Jack dance the night away to Glenn Miller.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Naughty Nazi Nurses Part Nine: A Wild Weekend In Reykjavik
Doctor Who & The Completely Immoral Time Paradox Of Doom
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor describes a fantastic date he had with Hitler, where they
went to the moon on a V2 Rocket and killed the Lunar People with
a deadly sonic lance.
"They just don't write exciting pulp stuff like that anymore, you
Groovy DVD Extras -
On the commentary track -
The cast excitedly give away the ending to the last episode of
They also mention that really neat sounding plot twist in
series 2, episode 9.
Dialogue Disasters -
Jack: Touch my banana, big boy.
Rose: Doctor, just shut up about him.
I'm trying to vibrate this stuff.
Doctor: You mean you're trying to resonate concrete.
Rose: Huh? OH YEAH!
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR: Rose, I just remembered!
DOCTOR: I can F-
ROSE: You better be about to say "FIDGET"!
Jack's Space Ship's Computer: All systems are functioning normally.
Doctor: Go - now! Don't drop the banana!
Jack: Why not?
I get it.
You kinky son of a bitch.
Doctor: Go to your room. Go to your room!
I mean it. I'm very, very angry with you.
I'm very, very cross.
Go to your room and I'll give you a jolly good spanking
when I'm ready for you.
I'm really glad that worked. Those would have been strange
(The world is turned into blonde lesbian Welsh nurses)
Doctor: Everybody fucks!!
Rose: Look at you, jumpin' about like Father Christmas.
Doctor: HA! As if! I used to beat up Father Christmas y'know?
Rose: Come on. That's just a horrible thing to say.
Doctor: No, seriously. Why do you think you never got that red
bicycle when you were twelve?
I dropped kicked Father Christmas before he got to your
house, nicked the bike, and used it as part of a gadget
to defeat the Ice Warriors.
Jack: I mean, who looks at a screwdriver and thinks
'Ooo this could be a little more sonic'?
Doctor: I'll tell you this, I can put up more shelves in one
morning than most masterminds do all day.
I'm serious. Put me up against that New Yankee Workshop
guy and I'd kick his arse every time.
Rose: Come on. The world doesn't end because the Doctor fucks.
Doctor: Tell that to the fanboys.
Viewer Quotes -
"This story is like 'City of Death' and 'Weng-Chiang' combined, then
rolled into a big ball of E and crack. I love you Steven Moffat!"
- Druggy Fanboy Editorial (2005)
"I'm not gay. In fact, I'm a very butch and manly man. I hate
flowers, despise babies, and use to bathe in red meat. So, I'm
sound. BUT, good lord I would like to take Captain Jack into my
hunting lodge, rub him down with body butter and lick him clean.
It's primal. Something you wouldn't understand.
PS: I'd really like my Blake's 7 DVDs back. It's been like two
months dude. What the hell are you doing?"
- My e-mail inbox (Sept 12th, 2005)
"When I watched this episode for the second time I found myself
reminded of the first time I watched "Vertigo". I had a nasty
head cold on both occasions, and eventually had to cover myself in
a duvet. I'm not sure if there was anything beyond that that made
them similar in my mind. But damn, it was eerie!"
- Weirdest fan review I could find (2005)
Well first off let me apologize about the DVDs. I was so stunned
by the end of series 3, that I went back all the way to the beginning
and started carefully examining each frame of all the stories to see
if Paul Darrow was actually ACTING in any of them. So far, I have
yet to find a frame, and will probably just give up the whole thing
Anyway, I'll give them back to you tomorrow when we go and see
The Fall and the Polysics. Sounds like an interesting gig.
PS: What flavour of body butter are we talking about here?
Does that matter?"
- My e-mail outbox (Sept 13th, 2005)
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I really appreciate your interest in Doctor Who, but I am sorry
to say that your story, 'Genesis of Sad Tony', has been rejected
at this time."
Christopher Eccleston speaks!
"To be honest with you, I've actually found myself behaving like
the Doctor. I'm in Tesco's, I see an alien menace. I blow up
It's just made me harsh like that."
Billie Piper speaks!
"No, you know what Charles, I do find that SLIGHTLY offensive.
I mean, if you ask me, that bitch is like an AMERICAN Billie Piper."
John Barrowman speaks!
ME: So John. You grew up in the States. You saw the horrors
of the innercity, the poverty and degradation.
JOHN: I grew up in Illinois.
ME: OH, okay, yeah. HEY, why do you think Americans love
Doctor Who? What’s the appeal?
JOHN: They think they’re watching something more refined.
They think they’re watching something really special if it’s
come from the BBC.
ME: So, just intellectual snobbery then?
JOHN: You got it in one.
Rumours & Facts -
During the making of the episode I was privy to detailed behind
the scenes information about every level of the production.
This included rehearsals, private meetings, and initial script
Unfortunately, and tragically, my complex network of electronic
bugging devices was uncovered by a janitor during the routine
pursuit of his duties, and they were also able to locate myself and
the skip I'd been hiding in.
As such, my lawyer has strongly suggested that I do not, at this
time, reveal any rumours or facts.
Even that really juicy one about Billie Piper.
So, I leave you only with this -
- My e-mail inbox (Sept 21st, 2005)