The Cardiff At The Edge of Forever
An alternate Programme Guide by
Massive Spoiler Warnings!!
Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
See the ENTIRE archive and image site at -
The One Hundred and Seventy-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' LIFE!
Episode 1.11 - The Cardiff At The Edge of Forever -
Mickey attempts to take a vacation to Disneyworld in beautiful
Orlando, Florida but is so hapless and confused he winds up
on a train terminating in Cardiff.
Mickey has now completely missed his flight with the new
controversial budget airline, U-Fly.
He spends several minutes being extremely angry with himself, but
then calms down and looks on the bright side - he doesn't really
know how to fly a DC-10 AND he rushed out of his house so quickly
that he accidentally brought Rose's passport instead of his own,
so he couldn't travel abroad anyway.
Aimlessly wandering the streets wondering what do to with his holiday
now, he notices a giant blue police box in front of the water
sculpture in Cardiff Bay�s Oval Basin.
Mickey cautiously approaches the Police Box and starts to knock on
the door, then hit the door, and then pummel the door begging out
loud for Rose to come back to him.
As this is Cardiff, no one notices the nutter.
After a painfully long time, Rose finally opens the TARDIS door.
Rose asks Mickey what the hell he's doing and how he found her.
Thinking quickly, Mickey reaches into his bag and explains that he
just wanted to return her passport.
It's a complete lie, but he's hoping to look like an extreme
Rose bluntly explains that she won't need them as now she travels to
space stations billions of years in the future, the planet Exotica,
and the Glass Pyramid of San Kaloon for a quick drink afterwards.
Passports and backpacking in India are just so passe in her new
galactic girl lifestyle.
Mickey breaks out into a mass of tears. Rose stops for a moment and
tells Mickey that he can actually really help her.
As Mickey dries his tears with his fingers, Rose explains -
"The Doctor and I were at this crazy orgy here in 269 AD. There
was a lot of paganism and grapes, and things got intense, and all
of a sudden there was this dimension rift thing floating over the
city. It's like some weird time and space thing that shoots out
energy and death now and again.
But, I think you could help seal it up!"
"WHAT?! What do I know about evil dimensional stuff?"
"Oh you don't have to know anything. We just need you to seal it up.
You must be just the right height, you'd seal up the length perfectly.
We'd just have to hoist you up there."
The Doctor, Rose and Captain Jack are a well-rehearsed team, and get
Mickey restrained and tied to the end of a giant pulley incredibly
The three work together in perfect time, making good progress
lifting the prone Mickey into the air above Cardiff Bay�s Oval Basin.
Elsewhere in the city, Margaret Blaine is holding a press conference
to announce that the New World Order project is ready to begin, but
is irritated when one of the photographers snaps a picture of her,
as she hasn't got any kit on.
Soon Cardiff Castle will be demolished and replaced by a giant World
Domination Robot owned by America and Coca-Cola.
The World Domination Robot will answer to the name Pete and use it's
psychic mind rays to subjugate the world's populous. Pete will be
fully armed with patriot missiles and a special high calibre laser
that will also cure cancer.
They just threw that feature in to get some humanitarian funding.
Pete will be the key component in making Cardiff the capital city of
the new planetary government.
Margaret assures the press that Pete is perfectly safe; It's not
like AI intelligences with heavy weaponry ever go nuts or anything.
Margaret raises a toast to Cardiff�s bright, glowing, radioactive
Cathy Salt of the Cardiff Gazette asks Margaret for her impressions
about the so-called �curse� that has struck down so many people
associated with the project.
Margaret laughs it off with "Curse! HA! Ridiculous!
I've just been killing them!
Cathy scribbles this on her notepad and a reporter from The Sun
asks Margaret if she really slept with Jordan.
Later, Margaret contemplates stabbing Cathy Salt repeatedly, but
simply can't be bothered and goes out for a curry.
The Doctor, Rose, and Jack are enjoying a nice meal at a curry house
on the pier; They laugh loudly between themselves at Mickey who is
clearly seen through the window struggling in midair.
But the happy day out is interrupted when the Doctor spots Margaret
ordering a takeaway.
Once Margaret sees them, she attempts to flee out of a window, but
Trapped, she surrenders to the Doctor on the condition that he get
her out of the damn window.
With the help of an industrial amount of Mango Chutney, Margaret is
The Doctor pulls out a chair for Margaret and gives her the food
Everyone settles down and sits back at the table.
The meal continues successfully, despite some unsuccessful murder
attempts - Margaret tries to stab Captain Jack with a plastic spoon,
attempts to chloroform Rose with a napkin, and tries to suffocate
the Doctor with her plastic carry bag.
This behaviour simply annoys the Doctor -
"Would you mind not killing us while we eat our lunch?"
The chiding seems to calm Margaret, like a naughty schoolgirl.
Margaret's mind turns instead to trying to formulate a plan of
escape after the meal.
She mentions that she failed to kill a journalist earlier this
The Doctor is deeply unimpressed.
"That was just a whim. Occasionally you allow one of your
victims to live, just so you can live with yourself while going
on to commit greater atrocities.
I do it all the time.
Oh waiter, more water please? Cheers!"
Margaret retorts, asking the Doctor if the guilt of being a killer
ever eats away at him. If he ever stops, even for a brief second,
to stay and live with the consequences of what he�s done.
Jack and Rose seem to have gone off their food a bit as the Doctor
and Margaret talk about horrific holocausts they have caused and
about the gruesome effects of bathing others in acid.
Rose tries to cheer up the conversation -
"So! What have you been up to Margaret? Since we last met."
Margaret tells them about Pete.
The Doctor wipes some rogan josh off his lips and demands to know
why she has arranged for a giant warbot to be located in the heart
of Cardiff, within an easy walk to a handy dimensional rift.
When Margaret refuses to answer the Doctor drags them all back to
The TARDIS crew put on helmets and wire them up to the main console.
The Doctor does a full checklist that everyone is jacked in -
Doctor: Primrose, check!
Rose, Jack, Doctor: FORM TARDISTRON!
Outside the TARDIS is covered in arcs of lightning as the TARDIS
transforms and grows into a dozen police boxes forming a vaguely
humanoid shape. The TARDISTRON flies into the air and lands back
down on its own two feet, cracking the concrete below.
When the dust settles, the Doctor screams -
The right hand of the TARDISTRON glows and a ginormous deadly-looking
Rose follows with -
GOOOOLLLLDEEEEENNN TIIAARRRAAA POOOOOOOOWWWWWWAAAARRRR!"
The TARDISTRON whips around and is now sporting a twinkling golden
tiara with gleaming rubies.
Jack screams to the heavens -
"BYY THHEE POOOWWWWAAAARRR OOOFFF THHHEEE MOOOOOOON -
Suddenly Jack is wearing a girl's sailing skirt.
The other two look on bemused,
"Sorry. Still haven't totally worked that one out yet."
The Doctor punches some buttons on the console and the TARDISTRON
blasts off, flying over Cardiff and locating Pete.
Pete, being a hyper intelligent AI at the cutting edge of military
and fizzy drink technology tries to take out TARDISTRON with a SIM
Missile Battery of extra sugary syrup.
The joints of the TARDISTRON stick and freeze momentarily, allowing
Pete some intense full body blows to the midsection/abdomen of the
But the Doctor uses a scream of "EXXXTRRRAAA CLLLLEEEAAANNNSSSIINNGG
POOWWWWAAAARRR!" he learned from the Dustbins to tidy the surface
Pete taunts the TARDISTRON.
The Doctor gets pissy, and uses the TARDISTRON Power Sword to cut
Pete in half in slow motion.
Rose uses the Golden Tiara Power to blow the remains into tiny bits.
Jack is still in a Japanese school girl uniform.
All these items will be available in Toys R Us this Christmas.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who: The Lost Anime Series
Cardiff A to Z : Now You Too Can Get Horribly Lost Whilst Looking For
Untelevised Misadventures -
An interesting previous adventure is hinted at by the Doctor -
"Pete's gunna be mighty sorry he pissed me off.
I'm the fucker who brought down Voltron."
Groovy DVD Extras -
The original manga included as a PDF!
Dialogue Disasters -
Margaret: Dinner and bondage? Works for me.
Doctor: In three words, "No."
Margaret: That's only one word.
Doctor: I'll say it three times if you like.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Margaret: This is persecution.
Why can�t you leave me alone? What did I ever do to you?
Doctor: You tried to kill me and ate my poppadom.
Margaret: Apart from that.
Viewer Quotes -
"This story is very interesting. At first it offers us a chance
to look into the philosophical problems faced by both monsters
and would be heroes, and then, it goes into this deus ex machina
ending with fighting robots and crossdressing.
This is why I pay my tv licence."
- Arthur Fuller, spokesman for Pay For Your Damn
TV Licence Already
"Eh, it was alright." - John
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"One of the things that I love about writing this series, is I
get to document things that have actually happened to me and
dress them up as fiction."
Billie Piper speaks!
"She's only 19, and when you're that age you don't tend to analyse
things as much, you tend not to think so much about the consequences
of your actions. That's what I like about Rose - bright, but with
the forethought of a brick."
Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"I love monkeys."
Rumours & Facts -
Unfortunately I was not able to follow the press and episode at the
time of transmission - I was enjoying an extended holiday Amsterdam.
And I have not had time to do research recently.
I have been recovering.