An alternate Programme Guide by
Massive Spoiler Warnings!!
Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
See the ENTIRE archive and image site at -
The One Hundred and Seventy-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Reality
Episode 1.12 - Doctor Who -
Jack materialises with a flash of light in a small closet. Disorientated,
he stumbles out into a larger common room decorated
with primary colours and pop art.
Two lego looking robots help him to his feet, explaining that he's
been chosen as a housemate. XYB1 and Janet8 protest that they've
obeyed all of the rules and that humans haven't been allowed in the
house for 38 series.
The electronic voice of the Davinadroid orders Jack into the Diary Room,
and he realises that he's now a contestant on Big Brother.
(Credits - The TARDIS whizzes through the vortex, the cast list and
Doctor Who logo appear, the title of the episode appears as "Doctor
Who", and a nation assumes that the guy who does the titles has just
Rose awakens in a dark room, and finds herself on the set of The
Weakest Link hosted by an evil, undying, Anne Robinson.
She stands in shock as the 200,000 year old Anne Robinson belittles
the stage crew setting up the show.
Meanwhile, Jack tries and fails to break out of the House, using
a variety of sonic weapons, sexual aides, and a toothpick.
His lego android housemates explain to him that escape is impossible,
but they'd be happy to see him gone. Humans haven't been allowed onto
the program because over the last 200,000 years they've evolved so
far in terms of self-dignity that they'd never allow themselves to be
belittled and degraded on cheap ratings-grab television; but they
haven't evolved beyond the point of sitting on their couches, eating
junk food, and laughing their arses off at some hapless intelligent androids
placed in that exact situation.
"So the human race is still a bunch of bastards, but bastards with
heightened self-esteem. Check."
Janet8 asks Jack whether the viewers really like her or are just
overlooking her; Jack, realising that he might be in the position
to get some lego robot lovin', claims that he's actually been a big
fan of her from the beginning and even has started a blog about her
and how cute she is.
Janet8 is thrilled to hear such uplifting praise and hugs Jack
unexpectedly, almost crushing him with her super robot strength.
Up in the broadcast control suite, a male programmer named Davitch
Pavale approaches a female co-worker to discuss the strange
developments on Big Brother -
"They've put a goddamn HUMAN BEING in there. He's already trying
to shag the robots. How did this happen? If he goes through with
it their servos might rip him limb from limb in the act.
This is going to be GREAT for our ratings!"
In the Weakest Link studio, the game has just begun.
Anne Robinson bombards Rose and her fellow contestants with trivia
questions on a plethora of pop culture topics.
Roses misses a variety of questions -
'On the planet Xagranious IV the common cat is known by which other
'Which US President accidentally invaded New Mexico, believing it
to be a foreign nation?'
'How many shillings in a pound?'
'Who recorded the hit single "How Could You Believe Me When I Told
You That I Loved You When You Know I've Been A Liar All My Life?"'
But she gets "What is the irrational mathematical solution to The
Pan-Bralaxtial Reality Theorem?" on a total guess.
Rose is by far the Weakest Link in the first round, but will the
votes reflect this?
Anne Robinson: David. You voted for Angelus, who was actually the
STRONGEST LINK in that round. And NOT for ROSE who
was actually the weakest. WHY?
David: Well, Rose is just so....vapid. I figure if I can
keep her in the game, I'll just walk over her in
the final five.
Rose smiles and waves at David.
Anne Robinson: Pliby, you ALSO voted for Angelus. WHY?
Pilby: Cause Rose is really cute and stuff.
The first round of The Weakest Link comes to an end. Rose becomes
uneasy when the terrified Angelus breaks down in tears and begs
Anne Robinson for a second chance -- but Anne whips out a Kill-O-Zap
Destructor Gun and vaporizes Angelus on the spot.
Appalled, Rose lashes out at her fellow contestants for accepting
this, but they counter with -
"There's a hell of a lot more prize money on offer this series."
Rose decides to play the game to the end.
In the Big Brother House, Jack is forced to join his fellow
housemates on the sofa -- he is pinned down under their massive
weight as they attempt to cuddle and caress him.
Janet8 and XYB1 tell Jack that if he doesn't follow their rules, he
will be punished.
Jack smiles and leans back, when unfortunately Davinadroid informs
the housemates that XYB1 has been chosen for eviction.
Jack is stunned when a disintegrator beam descends from the ceiling
and blasts XYB1 to atoms.
Unfortunately, because of her proximity, the explosion also causes
Janet8 to short out.
Jack is appalled, his techno manage-a-trois has been obliterated.
Livid, Jack realises that Rose and the Doctor are in equal danger
somewhere out there -- and if he could rescue them, then he might
just get a manage-a-trois yet!
Jack blows up an entire wall with his sonic pocket cannon and escapes.
Suddenly, the Doctor opens his eyes.
Quickly he stands up and takes a mental assessment of his situation
but is left confused and alarmed by his surroundings.
The Doctor appears to be standing in the middle of a gleaming white
room surrounded by walls covered in large roundels. The room is
dominated by a hexagonal control console covered with a wild and
colourful array of buttons and switches. In one corner stands a
neglected, but elaborate, wooden coat hanger.
Instinctively, the Doctor approaches the control console and attempts
to operate a switch, which immediately snaps off.
Bewildered the Doctor stares at the broken component in his hand,
when equally unexpectedly a young, attractive blonde girl enters the
TARDIS and beams a smile at him.
"Good to see you've recovered Doctor!"
Elsewhere, Jack is investigating his surroundings and is surprised
to discover he is on a space station in orbit around the earth.
So far he hasn't encountered any security, which seems impossible as
the authorities around here must know damn well that he has weapons
capable of busting right through the hull.
The programmers have seen Jack's escape, but are not alarmed.
Davitch has secretly been waiting for the day when a contestant would
breakout. He shakes with excitement when he called forth two trained
killers in sleek lycra outfits; The lithe and agile death angel super
vixen named Game Station and the rugged, muscular madman, Play Boy.
Davitch orders Game Station and Play Boy to hunt out their target,
keep him moving, terrify him, exhaust him, and only then to go for
Davitch gleefully shares his new programming idea with the Controller
who seems completely disinterested. Instead the Controller tells
Davitch that next week they will be starting a brand new series
"Celebrity Wrestling" which is sure to be a ratings hit.
In the TARDIS, the Doctor is still trying to cope with the
presence of a strange human.
"What have you done to my ship?"
"Me, Doctor? You're the one who broke the knob off the thing."
"Don't play with me. This has all changed. Who are you supposed
to be then, Rose?"
"You must have been hurt more than I thought. I'm your happy,
go lucky, up beat, ever friendly, assistant, Lynda!"
"What? YOU! You're just a child! I don't travel the universe
with young attractive girls...no, scratch that I do.
But what have you done with Rose and Jack?"
Lynda's face drops and her entire personality changes.
"Look jackass, you're the Doctor and I'm your perky helpful companion
Lynda. Now we just need to get on with it, alright?"
The Doctor looks confused then horrified -
"Wait. I didn't pick you up in some seedy red light district and
pay you to say that and then got so wasted I forgot the whole thing,
I don't believe it.
I haven't done that in ages.
God. I probably left Rose and Jack behind on some world I don't
"URGH! No DOCTOR. We are here to have another exciting adventure
in time and space and fight the most evil and twisted aliens who
ever lived in all the cosmos."
"Oh? THE Most Twisted AND Evil Aliens who ever lived in the cosmos?
Who might they be then?"
"The Daleks.....WHO THE HELL ARE THEY?"
Jack steps out onto an observation deck, below he sees an earth
covered with a thick blanket of smog.
"Home sweet home. Some things never change."
Luckily there is a handy computer console in the observation deck
that explains the last 100 years of Earth's history to Jack in
comprehensive detail. Apparently someone known only as the Doctor
faked up an excellent CV for this guy called The Editor.
The Editor then went on to rule the financial markets of earth and was
wealthy enough to buy a station he once was a major employee of.
He then used it to bring back his favourite old tv shows, as humanity
had completely run out of new ideas for television programmes at
some point in 1973.
"God, I'm glad the Doctor is responsible for this mess and not me."
Jack then uses this all powerful, deeply over helpful computer system
to locate Rose, find the location of the Weakest Link studio, and
transfer all the prize money to his own private bank account.
"Man, They've got to stop making these things so easy to use!"
Just then, heavy boots of leather, and terribly kinky shining red
high heel boots slam loudly into the far side of the observation deck.
"WOW! Manage-a-trois seem to be the order of the day around this
fantastic place! I'm Jack! Anyone want to touch my sonic lance?"
Back in the TARDIS the Doctor is screaming loudly at Lynda, but then
he notices something subtly wrong.
"Wait. Did...Did the walls of the TARDIS just...wobble from the
reverberation of me yelling at you?"
Lynda smacks the Doctor across the face.
"OKAY! OKAY! I'll explain this to you once. THIS IS A FREAKIN' TV
SHOW! A TV SHOW! You know the thing? Little pretty colourful
moving pictures on that silly little silver rectangle directly
opposite from the couch? You're the main star and I - Lynda -
am your ever resourceful and helpful female companion."
"TV Show? What TV Show?"
"Doctor Who? What a stupid name for a tv show."
Before Lynda can answer, a Dalek glides into the TARDIS.
The Doctor groans.
"Oh great. Yeah. I'm on a tv show with a budget so low that
the sets wobble and they can't even afford the likeness rights
for the Dustbins. FANTASTIC!"
David has just been eliminated from The Weakest Link, which leaves
Pilby and Rose going head-to-head. They must each answer five questions.
Rose gets one lucky break when she's able to identify the
oldest inhabitant of the Earth as Ozzy Osbourne, but that's
her only correct answer... and Pilby gets none of his five questions correct.
She's won the game, Rose is the strongest link. Rose jumps for
joy; She gets loads of cash and nine of the most greedy and back
stabbing people she has ever met are dead -- Everybody wins!
Jack's advances are met with a strong reaction.
Play Boy picks Jack physically off the ground by the neck whilst
Game Station punches him repeatedly in the chest.
Jack tries to look on the bright side, gasping "Okay. I'm up for a
bit of rough play first."
The Doctor just stares in disappointment.
"Look, I'm not having any of this. Lynda, let's say we let that
poor bastard out of that costume, then go somewhere quiet and have
a nice shag?"
Lynda looks shocked.
"You can't say that!"
"You are a beloved asexual science fiction fantasy hero. You don't
swear, or curse, or beat up people, or smoke, or do nasty and rude
things. You are guided by a natural and innate sense of justice and
moral integrity. You are never cruel or cowardly.
Haven't you ever seen Doctor Who?!"
"No. And it sounds more awful the more I hear about it."
"HALT!!! HALT!!! DO-NOT-MOVE!"
"I've been standing here the whole damn time! If I do move it will
be to get away from you, you screaming berk. What are you on a
mini little tricycle or something in there? Operating little strings
and buttons to make everything move and light up?"
The Dalek simply gets pissed off at this point and shoots a green
laser at the Doctor which narrowly misses; Part of the console explodes.
"DOCTOR!" Screams Lynda. "This is just a show, but everything is
more real than it seems. THE MONSTERS REALLY CAN KILL YOU!
Even if they do have plungers."
"Well I wish you told me that before! I'm getting the hell out of
"HALT!!! HALT!!!" The Dalek fires at will, green lasers bounce
wildly about the room exploding and ripping across the TARDIS.
Lynda screams in the key of F.
Jack has somehow escaped from Game and Play. He's badly bruised
and limping along. Finally he reaches a door and uses his bloodied
palm to open it. As the door slides open Jack's face glows in a
dull light - he can not believe what he sees.
The Doctor is walking with Lynda across a gigantic dull grey quarry
filled with gravel. The Doctor glances back and sees the Dalek
desperately trying to pursue them far in the distance, being
stymied by some loose shale.
"Pathetic." Comments the Doctor. "I mean, really. WHO would be
scared of that?"
He walks with Lynda a few more steps and looks at her quizzically.
"You said we were in a space station. And yet, here we are in this
massively huge quarry."
"All space stations with the Doctor Who programme have giant quarry
"But why? Does that make sense?"
"Sure. This quarry here has been the planet Aldane, the planet
Refrebrox, and had a starring role as the planet Skaro."
"Hmm. Yeah. I never noticed how much alien planets looks like
quarries in Wales. STILL. Crazy. I mean, you've got some television
show about this time lord called Doctor Who that goes around in some
old TARDIS and helps people? Who'd watch that?"
Meanwhile, on her way to the station's luxury hotel for those guests
who won't be dying, Rose gets a bit lost.
So lost that she ends up finding Jack laying prone in front of an
open door which seems to contain an alien planet or something.
Rose shakes Jack back to consciousness when all of a sudden the Doctor
and Lynda step out of the door and dust themselves off.
Rose is now mightily pissed off.
"WHAT?! I'm out of the picture for half an hour so you just go
and pick up another blonde? You got some kind of fetish
or something Doctor?!?!"
At the word "fetish" Jack's eyes glow and he asks -
"What do you call a manage-a-trois when there's an extra person?"
Rose storms off in a huff, trying to find her way to the luxury hotel.
Lynda looks at the Doctor with a raised eyebrow.
"And who in the hell was that?"
"Oh. Her. She's nothing to me. Really. Just another stupid ape."
The Doctor, Jack and Lynda arrive on Floor 500. The Doctor and Jack
cover the terrified staff with sonic guns.
The Doctor demands that Davitch tell him what's happening here.
Before he can answer the Doctor, Jack unloads his weapon into
Davitch's body, killing him instantly.
Blowing the barrel of his gun Jack stands over the ashy remains of
the corpse and breathes "You've been cancelled."
The Doctor's face turns bright red - "I'VE TOLD YOU BEFORE!! IF
YOU EVER EVER DO THAT AGAIN I WILL KICK YOU OFF MY SHIP!!"
"What? Killing the bad guy before he could tell you some sob story
that makes you let him go?"
"No. Those damn one liner catchphrase gags."
"Oh right. Yeah sorry. Couldn't resist. It was a good one."
The Doctor wonders what they are going to do now.
"Damn. We'll probably have to actually go through this room and
do research. Figure out what they were actually up to. Check the
comms. Who have they been talking to? You might have to dig deep.
Crack some quantum encryption security codes."
"Nope! Looks like someone just called them on that video screen
over there. Someone called "Dustbin War Fleet".
Sounds pretty serious."
The Doctor spins around to face the video screen.
A fleet of 200 flying saucers is revealed on the edge of the solar system.
The image zooms into one of the many ships and a Dustbin is seen.
Rose's luxury hotel room was actually their mothership. They are
holding the terrified Rose hostage; their stratagem is nearly complete,
and unless the Doctor promises not to interfere, they will scrub his
companion to death.
Dustbin: Explain yourself!
Doctor: I said no.
Dustbin: What is the meaning of this negative?
Doctor: It means no.
Dustbin: But she will be destroyed!
'Cause this is what I'm going to do: I'm going to rescue her!
I'm going to save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dustbin
fleet, and then I'm going to save the Earth, and then, just
to finish off, I'm going to open up a series of trendy pubs
in the South East.
Dustbin: Your plan is non-sensical. You are badly organised.
Your pub will be filthy and in appalling condition within
weeks. The health authorities will threaten to shut you down.
YOU WILL TURN TO THE SUPREME POWER OF THE DUSTBINS FOR YOUR
JANITORIAL SERVICES! WE WILL REIGN SUPREME!
Doctor: No I won't because I'm going to wipe every last stinking
Dustbin out of the sky!
And Rose, I'm coming to get you.
Book(s)/Other Related -
The exciting new PS2/XBOX game: Lego Doctor Who
Lynda And Rose: The Girls Of Doctor Who Gone Wild
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor of this mysterious other universe apparently fights
Daleks and is a general all around nice guy who plays the recorder.
Groovy DVD Extras -
A pointless but very welcomed extra version of the episode
narrated by Tom Baker.
Dialogue Disasters -
Lynda: But WHY Doctor?
Lynda: SHRIEK!!!! THERE'S AN ALIEN MONSTER!
OFFER IT A JELLYBABY DOCTOR!
OFFER IT A JELLYBABY QUICK!
Doctor: Why the fuck would I do that?
Doctor: There's just one thing I don't understand.
Why are the Dustbins producing programmes for the human
Lynda: They promised to clean up television.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: The human race. Brainless sheep, being fed on a diet of
game shows and low budget sci-fi serials.
Mind you, have they still got that program where those three
people flatshare with a gorilla?
Lynda: The Mighty Boosh?
Doctor: Come with us now on a journey through time and space!
Lynda: You know my favourite episode was when you fought
the Zarbi, but you were William Hartnell back then.
Lynda: Or the one where you stopped the evil Jagaroth, when
you were Tom Baker.
Doctor: -I- was Tom Baker! What kind of loony role have
I landed myself in?
Lynda: You were married to Lala Ward.
Doctor: Well, fair enough then.
Doctor: 200 ships, more than 2000 onboard each one, some quick
mental maths and...there's only about four thousand
Dustbins. I can do that.
Jack: Ummm, Doctor, that's just about half a million of them.
The Doctor and Lynda walk through a long hall of corridors that
seem identical, being slowly pursued by a Dalek -
Lynda: I think you're the nicest Doctor I've travelled with
in a very long time, Doctor.
Doctor: Lynda, it's nothing personal and I know I haven't
been doing this show for very long, but I've got
to get out of here. I QUIT!
Viewer Quotes -
"This episode is supposed to be a satire of our modern cultural diet.
But, compared to the shining greatness of The Happiness Patrol, this
story falls flat on all levels."
- The start of the most confusing fan argument I've ever had (2005)
"This episode is ruined by bad writing. The Doctor says that he
plans to wipe every last Dustbin out of the sky. However, and I will
win on this point - SPACE. IS. NOT. A. SKY!"
- The continuation of the most confusing fan argument I've ever had
"I AM the Ferret King!"
- The thankful end of the most confusing fan argument I've ever had
>From a different conversation with my friend Rob -
"This episode proves what I've said all along. Jack is an awesome
character, played and written with a great amount of style. This
character could almost justify his own spin-off series."
"I think you're pushing it there Rob. That will never happen."
Russell T Davies Speaks!
"I wrote this entire episode whilst completely naked in a bubble
bath. That's my secret. Now, to be honest, when I wrote episode 7
I was only in some generic bath salts, and I think that shows.
But for the finale, I'm going all out. Aroma therapy candles
shaped like tropical flowers, a rubber duck, the whole shebang."
Billie Piper speaks!
"What was it like working with Anne Robinson? Well, imagine being
trapped in a room with snarling wolverines...but not in a bad way."
Christopher Eccleston Speaks!
"The writing of Russell T Davies is sacred. Accept him into your
hearts now and be SAVED!"
Rumours & Facts -
Russell T Davies had landed himself the job of his childhood dreams
when he took the helm of Doctor Who. However he was also exceedingly
desperate to be a contestant on both The Weakest Link and Big Brother,
as a life long fan of cash and public exhibitionism. Which had landed
him in some trouble in the early 1980s.
Unable to place on these programmes he then attempted the best next
thing and tried to incorporate them into Doctor Who.
However these were not the only shows he contacted.
He also approached Bargain Hunt and suggested an episode in which
each contestant has to buy an antique gun and attempt to sell it at
auction. If the item failed to turn a profit at auction, the
contestant would give a full demonstration of the weapon by being
repeatedly shot in the head by it.
Tim Wonnacott apparently replied with "Well THAT'S a bit harsh
isn't it?" And eventually turned it down when he learned that a
professional marksmen would shoot the contestant and not himself.
At the same time a version of "How Clean Is Your TARDIS?" was
suggested in which the Doctor would be humiliated for not cleaning
his toilet for nine centuries.
A version of Mastermind featuring the Bastard as the host and the
TARDIS crew as contestants under threat of being turned into dolls
was pitched. The concept got to script stage and the special topics
were Temporal Mechanics for the Doctor, Retail for Rose, and
Hair Gel for Jack.
Perhaps the most controversial television idea considered was
EastEnders, where the contestants have to live in the EastEnd.