Religion of the Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Massive Spoiler Warnings!!

Those who do not want Spoilers...RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

See the ENTIRE archive and image site at -

It's -

The One Hundred and Seventy-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Episode 1.13 - Religion of the Dustbins - 

 "In the beginning there was dust and it was bad."
                          - The Book Of Lavros, 1:1

 The Dustbins detect the TARDIS hurtling through space towards them and
with utter distain they note how rough, battered, and grimy it's
exterior is.

 The Dustbin shoot a super space Fairy liquid at the vessel, but the
TARDIS is protected by a force field generated by a tribophysical
waveform extrapolator that the Doctor picked up at Dixon's.

 The Doctor then lands on the Dustbin saucer, materialising around
Rose -- and the nearest Dustbin, which Jack destroys with his sonic


 "JACK!!!  I WILL -NOT- TOLERATE THAT SHIT!"  Reminds the Doctor.

 The Doctor is so angry that he snaps the weapon in half with his bare
hands, rendering it useless. 

 Rose and her friends share a joyous reunion, but it’s tempered by the
knowledge that they are all going to die miserable and unspeakable

 The Dustbins, unlike the Doctor’s people, seem to know what the hell
they are doing and have survived the legendary Time War after all. 

 Determined to kick some arse, the Doctor steps out of his ship to
confront the Dustbins. 

 Safe behind his force field, he reminds the Dustbins that he’s the
one thing they fear most in the Universe, next to that weird grimy
ring that never disappears in the sink.

 The Doctor demands to know how they survived. To his surprise, the
response comes from the Dustbin God, a giant Dustbin perched in the
heart of the ship motionless and inactive, a sticker reading
"Mutant Inside" is clearly visible on the bottom right of its base. 

 The God of the Dustbins reveals that his ship, though crippled by the
holocaust caused by the Doctor, survived and fell through Time to the
edges of Earth’s solar system. 

 The few surviving Dustbins have been lurking here for centuries,
playing Tomb Raider, going out to films, catching up on all the 
unread novels in their bookcases, and, oh yes, building up their numbers
by harvesting the dispossessed of Earth and nurturing the purest cells
into Dustbin bio-mass. 

 "So as you see, we've been busy."

 Rose realises that the new Dustbin army must have an artistic, perhaps
even poetic side, but the Dustbins and their God declare that this is
blasphemy and that they are the cold, clinical, cleaning machines of old.

 To the Doctor’s horror, the deranged Dustbin is worshipped by the
others as it reads "Better Home And Gardens" magazine aloud to them.

 Finally the Dustbin God chants in an intense screaming wail -

 "All thoughts will be clean thoughts!  All races will be pure races.
All sanitariums will be sanitary sanitariums!"

 The Dustbins have been driven mad by centuries of isolation, violent
video games, b-movies, and cheap paperbacks.

  They are completely bored off their arse, and that makes them more
dangerous than ever. 

 Bravely, the Doctor, Rose and Jack leg it inside the TARDIS and
return to the satellite.

 They then remember that they just left Lynda behind here to die with
the rest of the unlikely "contestants" from the various game shows and
fifth rate sci-fi serials.

 The Doctor turns up all of the power to the transmitters to prevent
the Dustbins from transmatting on board, but leaving the Earth itself
as vulnerable as middle aged woman who's deeply insecure about her

 The people of Earth don’t listen to the Doctor's warnings, they are
just a little pissed off with him at the moment.

  The Dustbin fleet begins to move towards Earth, intending to cleanse
humanity from its surface and make Earth the new Dustbin homeworld.

  But the Doctor has a plan; all of his vacations to Spain will be in
the past from now on.

 Jack and Rose force the Doctor to adopt a plan that has just a touch
more "planet saving" in it.

 The Doctor thinks that with a bit of work, he can make the station
generate a delta wave, a wave of pure energy that might possibly hurt
the Dustbins in some way or maybe just annoy them a lot.

 The only problem is that it will take about three days and a live
barracuda to finish; They only have some canned tuna and the Dustbin
fleet will arrive in 22 minutes. 

 The Doctor asks Rose to stay with him on Floor 500 and read him funny
articles from to keep his spirits up while he rewires
the computers.

 Everyone else marches forward to their certain deaths in the hands of
cruel cybernetic assassins.

 Yeah, that's fair.

 Before Jack leaves his companions for one last time, he turns to face
them in a tear jerking scene of genuine emotion -

 "Look guys.  I know I've come off like some pathetic pervert.  Some
guy who was only hanging out with you because he was holding some sad,
adolescent fantasy of a torrid three way. You've both been gold putting
up with that kind of stuff.
  But when it comes down to it.  The actual moment.  I think about it
and realise that, yeah, it's actually something really important to me.
  I really want to enjoy you both one last time before I go out into
that curtain.  That unknown country of-"

 "Shut up, we'll fuck you." Says Rose.

 "OH THANK THE GODS!  Come here Kitten!  And my big Cuddle Bear!"

 Five hours later the trio look at the floor and Jack observes -

 "WOW!  I think we did a good thing.  When the Dustbins reach this room
it'll slow them down hours trying to clean and disinfect all this.

 HEY!  I got an idea!  Anyone want to do it again in the next room

 27 hours later, Jack finally is too exhausted to move, and the Doctor
and Rose return to work, having a very slippery walk back to the main
computer station.

 When they DO arrive at the computers they waste another 17 minutes
arguing over who has to work in the wet spot.

 Rose asks the Doctor why they can’t just jump into the TARDIS and get
the hell out of here.

 "Rose!  I'm so proud of you! Finally! The most sensible solution yet!
What the hell have I been doing all these years?!  Wasting my time
saving the universe and caring about people when I could be saving my
own damned arse!

 Rose rushes inside followed by the Doctor.  Once inside the Doctor
sets the co-ordinates for somewhere safe, but then remembers he left
his sonic screwdriver on the computer desk outside.  He can see it
through the still open TARDIS doors.  Judging he can make it, he
dashes out to get it, but when he spins around the doors automatically
shut into his face.

 The TARDIS disappears.


 Inside, Rose wrongly comes to the conclusion that the Doctor has been
valiant and brave and chosen to save the Earth, while she has been a
selfish bitch.  She feels kinda' bummed. (And no wonder after what
she's been up to!)
 Almost immediately a hologram of the Doctor materialises before the
console, delivering a message that the Doctor recorded in case of
extreme emergency.

 "Rose, if you are seeing this message, I have locked myself out of
the TARDIS. I either just forgot the keys or ran off like a jack ass
at the last moment after the sonic screwdriver.  
  If the TARDIS hasn't dematerialised, then fantastic.  Just be a dear
and flip the door open switch.
  If the TARDIS has dematerialised, then I'm going to have to teach
you advanced temporal mechanics, and that could take awhile.
  So get a pen and paper, and get damned good with drawing irrational
 The TARDIS eventually materialises on the street corner where Rose
first saw her father killed. 

'Wow, great sentimental choice for a "safe location" Doctor.'

 Despite Rose’s desperate attempts to reactivate the console, and the
frantic screams about neutron flow emitted from the Doctor hologram,
the TARDIS does not take off again. 

 Mickey Smith hears the sound of the TARDIS engines and comes running,
only to find Rose standing outside the TARDIS alone, in tears. 

 On the satellite, Jack tries to contact Rose, only to hear the Doctor
tell him "She's nicked the TARDIS and left us all to die.  Don't worry
about her anymore."

 "Since when does she know temporal mechanics??  Someone would have
to teach her that!"

 "Don't remind me."

 Jack believes the delta wave won’t be ready in time, but the Dustbin
God is now close enough to monitor communications on the station and it
demands that the Doctor tell Jack the truth.

 The Doctor will finish his work in time, but he's a completely over
rated hack when it comes to wiring and he's only smart enough to make
a version that will look very unprofessional and kill every living thing
in its path -- and that means every living being on Earth will die. 
Except for penguins.

 If the Dustbin God is a force for creating life, what does that make
the Doctor? 

 The Doctor insists that pockets of humanity will survive in the outer
colonies, but that this act will wipe out every Dustbin in existence --
and to the God’s surprise, Jack accepts this and tells the Doctor that
he's got a sexy arse.

  Galvanised by Jack’s compliment, the Doctor confronts the God and
demands to know how it spread the words “Bad Wolf” across the Universe
to lure him here. 

 To his surprise, however, the God has no idea what he’s talking about.
Whatever the Bad Wolf is, it’s got nothing to do with the Dustbins.

 The Doctor asks Jack, and he claims to have never heard the term 

 Thinking very hard, the Doctor can't remember a single damn mention of
Bad Wolf anywhere.

 Everyone has just FORGOTTEN to plaster the words "Bad Wolf" everywhere.
 The Doctor is really annoyed as that was a truly neat idea.

 Mickey and Jackie Tyler take Rose to a nearby fast-food restaurant to
celebrate her return.

 "Rose.  We're happy to see you.  I mean, even I am.  Since you've left
I've been thrown in prison and humiliated in every possible way.
Someone told the city of Cardiff that I was a modern art installation.
I was hanging there for three whole days!  Everyone thought I was
trying to rip off David Blaine, it was hell!
  But I still missed you.  I still love you.  Even after all that."

 "Wow.  That is so...sad."

 All Rose can think about is the Doctor, trapped and fighting for his
life thousands of years in the future. She can’t live an ordinary life
any more, not now that the Doctor and Jack have shown her so many
disturbing and deliciously wonderful things.

  Mickey and Jackie may not want to admit it, but she knows they
understand what she’s talking about.

 She wants to be a super heroine -- to stand up against evil, to blow
things up, to kill aliens, and have a really neat lasso that makes
people tell the truth!

 Upset, Rose storms out of the restaurant, failing to notice the words
“Bad Wolf” scribbled across a poster in the window behind her,
because the stage production people forgot to put it there.

 Mickey follows her and tries to convince her to accept a piss boring
life with him.

 Rose doesn't entertain these notions whatsoever and tells Mickey to
help her get out of his life forever or get out of her life right now.

 Mickey has none of the higher self-esteem enjoyed by the people of
200,000 AD, so he agrees to help her do what she feels she must. 

 Jack assigns Lynda to canary duty on an observation deck.

 "It's simple.  This is an observation deck.  There is a lot of glass.
It's a weak point.  When it gets blown up this whole area will
depressurize very quickly.  If you just stand RIGHT in front of it,
we can see if you're still there and if it's okay to stick around
and keep breathing.  Thanks!"

 The Dustbin fleet then arrives in orbit next to the Station, and
uncountable numbers of Dustbins pour out of hundreds of saucers,
streaming towards the station.

 Most of the Dustbins penetrate the hull towards Floor 500 -- but to
Lynda’s horror, a number of Dustbins descend to Floor 000.

 "But there's no reason!  That floor is self-cleaning."

 "Not to their standards."

 The Dustbins mop 'n glow all of the terrified civilians who’d refused
to participate in the station’s defence to death. 

 Back in the TARDIS Rose can’t think of any way to operate the TARDIS
console properly, and despite his concerns, Mickey is upset to see her
on the verge of giving up; however, as sits down on the floor with her
and leans against the base of the console, he notices a gleaming silver

 The Dustbins ships descend upon the Earth and deep heat clean entire
continents out of existence in boiling foam. 

 The God looks on what it has done and calls it good.  But then,
he's biased.

 The Dustbins locate Lynda on the observation deck. A squad rises up
outside the window.  Lynda is terrified beyond all words.  Her face
starts to break into a smile however when the Dustbins join forces
to make the observation glass gleaming and spotless.

 After minutes of hard work they charge her a fiver for their services
and then blast the windows apart, exposing the entire observation
deck to space and killing Lynda instantly.

 "Good one!" Comments one of the Dustbins.

 Jack is the last survivor, and he fights a desperate rearguard action.
When he finally reaches the rooms where the Doctor and Rose spent
themselves and their last moments together, the Dustbins seriously
slow down their advance and begin using even more powerful detergents.

 Suddenly a devious idea occurs to Jack -

 "Hey guys, what do you call a manage-a-trois when it involves one
human being and half-a-million fundamentalist cyborgs?"

 Jack says that he's simply trying to buy the Doctor enough time to
finish his work. But the God is watching, and he's trying to answer
Jack's question and see if it violates any scripture. 

 Mickey picks up the silver cylinder and turns it over in his hand.

 'Rose.  Do you know what this canister of "Highly Volatile Nitro-9"

 "No, it's probably just junk.  This place is littered with useless 
old stuff."

 Bored, Mickey tosses the canister onto the console, and is stunned
when it explodes with fierce intensity.  He is thrown clear of the

 The console has a great giant hole punched into it. A bright light
shines out, straight into Rose’s eyes. The TARDIS door slams shut in
Mickey’s face.

  The TARDIS hurtles forward through Time as the power in the heart of
the console streams out into Rose’s body.

 Jack finally runs out of condoms, and the Dustbins INSIST on only safe

 Knowing his fate, he faces the Dustbins without blinking as they mop

 The Dustbins then confront the Doctor as he finishes his work.

 He threatens to activate the delta wave unless they surrender. The
Dustbin God, however, is convinced of its own immortality, and it wants
to see the Doctor pull the switch and become just as great a killer as
the Dustbins.
 "Do I have the right?  HELL YEAH!"

 The Doctor reaches for the switch -- but then the TARDIS materialises,
and Rose steps out, her entire body glowing with light. 

 To the Doctor’s horror, she reveals that she's been drinking his
marijuana gin; OH yeah AND she looked directly into the heart of the
TARDIS, and absorbed the entire Time Vortex.

 "I can see every atom in every moment of Time."

 "No Rose, that's the marijuana gin!  Taking in the time vortex just
kills the living beegeebus out of you!"

 The Doctor, desperate, warns Rose to let go of the power before it
destroys her, but she refuses to stop until he is safe. The Doctor once
told her that everything dies eventually -- and with a gesture, Rose
uses the power within her to unmake the Dustbins and finally put
an end to the legacy of the Time War. 

 As the God desperately protests that it is immortal, the entire fleet
comes apart and vanishes, becoming less than dust. 

 As the Doctor begs her to stop before she sees anything she doesn't
want to, Rose waves her hand, and attempts to restore Jack to life - 

 "Jack you will live again. BUT. Wait. 
  They didn't kill him,
  They just cleaned him up real good.

 Rose sees EXACTLY why the race of the Dustbins had warm feelings for
Jack and looses her lunch.

 "I warned you.  Why do they never listen?"

 The power is becoming too much for Rose to handle, and the Doctor
realises that it’s going to kill her if he doesn’t do something. 

 He takes Rose into his arms and kisses her, drawing the power out of
her body and into his. (I've seen movies like this online, that's some
seriously kinky shit).

 Rose collapses, and the Doctor exhales, breathing the power of the
Time Vortex back into the TARDIS where it belongs.  A nation of confused
reactionists take this as Doctor Who endorsing smoking.

 The Doctor then staggers back, weakened, but still strong enough to
carry Rose into the TARDIS; but not without dropping her a few times.

 Inside the TARDIS, Rose recovers, confused and unable to recall what
happened after the console exploded. 

 The Doctor assures her that all is well, but privately, he knows that
he's toast. 
 "Rose Tyler. I was gonna take you to so many places, like Barcelona.
Not the planet, the city Barcelona.  The planet is just a tacky 
souvenir dive in the Armstrong Cluster."

 "Then why can't we go?" 

 "Maybe you will, and maybe I will. But not like this." 

 "You're not making sense." 

 "I might never make sense again, I might have two heads, or maybe no
head. imagine me with no head, and don't say that's an improvement.
But it's a bit dodgy; this process. You never know what you're gonna 
end up with." 


"Stay away!!" 

"Doctor, what's happening? Tell me what's going on." 

"Every cell in my body's dying." 

"Isn't there something you can do?" 

"Yeah, I'm doing it now. See Timelords have this little trick, sort of
a way of cheating death. Except it means I'm probably going to change
into a git." 

"Don't say that." 

"Before I go I just wanna tell you. You may never understand why
I had to go like this.  Why I had to change.  And when you go home
and look up conspiracy theories and hear wild rumours about why it
all happened, that doesn't matter. The important part was that we knew
each other at all.  That I got to come back and be here and take you
on the trip of a lifetime.
You were fantastic, absolutely fantastic. And you know what?
So was I." 

 The Ninth Doctor explodes with the power of the quickening and
transforms into Barty Crouch Junior...oh, wait...the Tenth Doctor.

"Hello! Okay-- ngh. My mouth tastes of dead guy and time vortex.
That’s weird. 
So where was I? Oh, that’s right -- Barcelona!” 

Book(s)/Other Related - 

The Teachings Of The Gleaming And Discompassionate Dustbin Over Lord

The Dustbins Collectibles Big Book O' Crap

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Ninth Doctor and Rose have travelled to alien planets, dead frozen
moons, and other galaxies; but we didn't get to see any of that shit.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The stunning alternate ending where the Ninth Doctor leaves Rose to
die from exposure to the time vortex and goes to Vegas.

Dialogue Disasters -


Doctor: You really want to think about this, cause if I activate
        this signal every living thing dies.

  Rose: Doctor, stop being so melodramatic, just turn on the TV
        and let me watch EastEnders already!


Dialogue Triumphs -


Jack: What do they call a manage-a-trois in France?





Rose emerges from the TARDIS glowing with golden energy

  Rose: All you touch and all you see 
        Is all your life will ever be. 
Doctor: Holy shit!  I've seen this before!
        Absorbing the time vortex makes you quote Pink Floyd!


Dustbin God: This is perfection. I have created heaven on Earth.
             And now, for my next trick...


Doctor: You know what they call me in the ancient legends of the
        Dustbin homeworld? The Untidy Bachelor. 

        You might have removed all your emotions, but I reckon right
        down deep in your DNA there's one little spark left. 
        And that's fear. Doesn't it just burn when you face me?
        So tell me how did you survive so long?


Doctor: (A little nonplussed) Fair enough.


  Rose: But what do I do every day mum? What do I do? Get up,
        catch the bus, go to work, come back home, eat chips,
        have a wank and go to bed - is that it?" 

Mickey: It's what the rest of us do. 

  Rose: But I can't.

Jackie: Why? 'Cos you're better than us?

  Rose: No! I didn't mean that!
        But it was. It was a better life. And I don't mean all the
        travelling, seeing aliens and spaceships and things,
        that don't matter. The Doctor showed me a better way of
        living your life.

Mickey: OH!  You're not on about that tantric shit again are you?
        I told you, my back, it just can't handle that.


     Doctor: Look, can we just...I dunno...retcon that,
             Pretend it never happened?

Dustbin God: Those words are blasphemy!
    Dustbin: Do not blaspheme! Do not blaspheme!


Viewer Quotes -

"Unholy scriptures, a parody of religion and the true path of
god.  It reminds me of how I spend my weekends." 
                                      - Father James O'Maley

"So absorbing the power of the time vortex turns you into Buffy
in Primeval?  SIGN ME UP!"  - Zack Ziggins

"We only see a few seconds at the end of the episode so it is
impossible and unfair to make any judgements at all about
David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor. BUT WHAT THE HELL!
He's going to be better than a cold Mai Tai on a tropical beach and
the best Doctor since Tom Baker himself!"  - Happy Roger

Russell T Davies Speaks!

"Well I am now thoroughly bathed and have produced a script I was
truly happy with.  This should prove to my critics that I'm a
top notch Doctor Who writer.  In fact, that script was so good
I'm going to treat myself to some peach skin exfoilant and two slices
of cucumber over the eyes."

Billie Piper speaks!

"I'm not quite sure why, but I have this irrational fear of custard.
I want to bring that into the character of Rose.  I really want a
scene where she just laughs off some hideous alien monster, 'cos that
sort of thing is just so everyday and routine for her, but then, the
Doctor makes up a nice apple crumble and when he pours on the custard
she screams her head off and hides behind the console."

John Barrowman speaks!

"I won't be back for series 2.  I have a lot of stage acting I want
to do, and some other minor side projects.  Nothing too big or
earth shaking.  Maybe I will come back in series 3."
(Ed note: What a cool bastard.)

Christopher Eccleston Speaks!

"You know, thinking about it now.  I'd love to come back for a new
series.  It was great fun.  But there's been a slight wrench thrown
into that."

Dustbin God Speaks!
"WORSHIP ME!"  (Ed: How predictable. Don't these guys ever come
                    up with anything new?)

David Tennant Speaks!

 "Well I was curious, so I went to visit the Doctor Who website
Outpost Gallifrey. 

 The first comment I read was very nice, and the next comment was
terribly flattering, and then the next one said something like 
'I want to tie him up and make love to him whilst dressed like a
giant banana' 

 The one after that was REALLY kinky and disturbing by some guy named

 I just can't go back there anymore."

Rumours & Facts -

  RTD had originally planned for the Doctor's regeneration at the end 
of the series to be a shock to the audience; Until BBC News announced 
Eccleston's departure and started misquoting him for a laugh, all by
the time the opening credits of the first were broadcast.

 The other major cock up of the series was the original plan to have
the words "Bad Wolf" follow the Doctor and Rose through time and space.
Multiple set pieces were painted and posters printed with "Bad Wolf"
which would have appeared in various episodes as a continuing mystery
of the series.  But everyone just forgot about them, leaving only a
confusing mention in the final episode.  I assume the set dressers were

Series One Wrap-Up -

 Doctor Who Series One really pissed me off.

When news first came to me in the early morning of September 26th, 2003,
I assumed the friend who e-mailed me was totally mistaken and writing
me about a webcast.  Bored and hoping to avoid actual work, I read the
article.  And read it again.  And then read it again wondering if some
how the BBC itself had gotten the wrong end of the stick.

 I checked other non-BBC websites for the headline "BBC News reporter
gone nuts and reported a new series of Doctor Who."

 I read the Telegraph, the Times, The Mail, The Scotsman, and finally
even CNN.

 All of them seemed to have produced this story that Doctor Who was
coming back onto television as an actual live action series.

 What can I say?

 It was like I was just sitting there minding my own business when
without warning a beautiful ex-lover who died 15 years ago suddenly
rose from the dead, covered me in chocolate and lovingly removed every
trace of the mess with only their tongue and a smile.

 I was stunned. I was on cloud nine.  I think I spent the whole day
e-mailing all my friends and reading every news source.

 Then, totally out of the blue, some cruel heartless evil person looked
deep into their black heart and sent me this e-mail:

 "YAY!!! I guess this means you'll be writing the programme guide
FOREVER!  That's SO AWESOME!  I was really going to miss it when you
finished the TVM.  You're my hero."


 Long had I toiled to reach the McCoy era, and now, when there was light
at the end of the tunnel, AND THIS HAD TO HAPPEN!

 I knew the moment I finished reading that e-mail that I'd wind up here
now, in a dark room punching on a laptop and listening to Love Somebody
by Robbie Williams. 
 I swear to god he's singing "It will come in your sweet Timelord", but
I don't want to check the lyrics and prove myself wrong and have to live
with the disillusionment.

 Series One has been a thrill ride for all of us -

 Christopher Eccleston quitting immediately after the opening credits
of episode one

  The return of the Dustbins

  Rose saving her father's life in the most disturbing way imaginable

  And hell, even the Slitheen

 Let me tell you a true story.  I was walking to Dixon's or as I call
it "The Temple".  As I was doing my laundry all I had to wear was this
t-shirt I got off some dude on eBay that reads "Are You My Mummy?"

 As I arrived outside the Dixon's in the city centre a TINY blonde
boy shot his arm out at me and screamed "DOCTOR WHO!!!  DOCTOR WHO!!!"

 He started jumping up and down in joy, and I was immediately certain
that his incredibly tired mother hated me with glowing passion for
exciting her son with my stupid t-shirt.

 I was over the moon.

 For more than two decades, Doctor Who had languished in increasing
obscurity.  Everyone I encountered viewed it either as a quaint relic
like the Clangers or as a cheaply-made embarrassment. 

 But series one, through the magic of Russell T Davies, has transformed
all that and created a new generation, a new nation, of fans.

 And on that up beat note, Bertie Fishnotes kicks ass. 
He is my god for this -

Image at above link is shown here -