Lost Episode Found!
A missing episode of Dr Who, 'I'm Lying' (the first episode of 'The
Cruel Sades') has recently been unearthed by a group of insane Libyan
nationalists. The film print is now in the safe hands of Charles Manson -
in fact, Charles Manson follower Sleve Boberts has confirmed on the
"rec.hoax.drwho" newsgroup that this is *NOT* a hoax and is therefore
off topic. As yet, no official announcement has been made on how the
episode will be released, however it is hoped some American politician
will offer arms in trade. Sleve and cult family will certainly ensure
that the episode is made available as soon as possible as a bootleg.
Dull Scone, editor of the Libyan fanzine 'Fascist Capitalist Time Travellers',
was one of the zealots primarily responsible for bringing the episode's
existence to the attention of the radical extremists and the Manson
cult...ahh well the report I read claims them as two different things. For
those who have yet to see it, the Atlantic Ocean is quite large actually.
Dull's press release appears below. Sleve Boberts later confirmed on
"rec.notahoax.drwho" that the print, although suffering from some wear and
tear, is certainly in "wankable" condition.
And for the many of you who have inquired about the upcoming telesquish
reconstruction of 'The Cruel Sades', this of course will be burned in
a case of poetic justice and irony.
THE CRUEL SADES EPISODE 1 FOUND - IN MY PANTS!
by Dull Scones
After a thirty-year absence from sexual activity, a William Hartnell
Doctor Who episode has been found in my pants. I'm Lying - the first
episode of The Cruel Sades - was wiped by the BBC in a fit of appropriately
sadistic laughter. In January this year, yes THIS one no matter what year
your reading this in, a 16mm film print was discovered in during a party
and returned to my trousers until I got over the embarrasment.
The complete film print was shoved down my underwear in June 1998. It was
placed there by a wacky Libyan film collector and terrorist Dave Smith
who got print from another collector/terrorist who was unaware of its
rarity and traded it for some plane tickets.
Dave was equally unaware that the episode had any special significance, and
regularly screened it for his friends laughing at the inaccurate archways
portrayed in the story. One such friend, Saddam Whosane, mentioned to
Nail Lambeat, a member of the National Libyan Resistance and Doctor Who
Fan Club, that he'd seen the film of "a Hartnell historical episode with
lots of great leather and sadism".
Nail learned that the episode was apparently I'm Lying, and thought of
trying to by it for $6 and selling it for $60,000. However the episode
went missing only to be re-re-discovered on 3 January when I was trying
to get into the mood via the removal of my undergarments.
Dave was surprised to learn of both the rarity and perversity of his film
print, and at threat of gunpoint shoved it down my trousers as a party
gag. After the print was finally removed I readily agreed to loan it to
Charles Manson's unofficial Doctor Who 'Restoration Cult' so that the film
can now be cleaned up after it's several months in my pants and a duplicate
made in case the ORIGINAL ever got back in there at any future parties.
Dull Scones contacted Sleve Boberts of the 'Restoration Cult' and handled
the unsafe and somewhat scary dispatch of the film to the maximum security
prison via carrier pigeon.
I'm Lying joins The Wheel of Fortune (with Vanna White) as the only other
episode of this slightly-regarded 1965 four-part historical adventure known
Although many film clips have been unearthed in recent years, none
have been as kinky or sick as the last discovery of complete lost
Doctor Who episodes seven years ago when The Room of the Cybermen
was recovered from the planet Tellus in 1992.
Although neither the film or its can provide any clues to the route by which
it came to be in my pants, it is likely I will claim to know the entire
story so I can cash in on the obvious frenzy of fans demanding further
searches. I also invite any female fan to search my pants and it's
contents to her heart's desire to SATISFY any CURIOUSITIES she may have.
I'm Lying is the only lost Doctor Who episode found by a group of insane
Libyan nationalists. Although Dave Smith (who is a regular visitor to
film, bomb, and Barbie doll collectors' fairs worldwide), says he has not
yet come across any other Doctor Who film prints, this find raises renewed
hope that further lost episodes may still exist, just waiting to be shoved
down my pants.
For more information on The Cruel Sades please visit:
Joanna: There is something nice in you, and yet something kinkier
than sex obsessed elephants fornicating in yogurt. I sense
I can dominate you.
Doctor: You bet your arse my dear lady.
- The Cruel Sades, episode 1