An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Seventy-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Teeth & Curls

Serial 4A - Gobot -

 The Doctor is trying to recover from the disgusting forces of
physical change brought on by the quickening.  Immediately disturbed
by his crushed velvet wardrobe the Doctor prances about in a variety
of outfits the likes of which not seen since the last Eddie Izzard
tour.  After dressing like a clown, a viking, a cheerleader, the duke
of Milton Keynes, a streetwalker, and in a ridiculous gorilla outfit,
the Doctor takes on his more awkward attire including a 17 foot long
scarf, a hat, and a brown jacket with an "I'm A Doctor Who Reader"
badge on the lapel.
 As the Doctor regenerates his companion Sarah Jane Smith also suffers
the rigors of massive renewal!  As the Doctor's new form takes shape
Sarah Jane's moustache fades away, her conservative hair grows long,
her pro-fascists beliefs and journalistic skills melt away into an
Andy Pandy outfit.
 The Brigadier and Benton are amazed by this sudden change and have
to be reminded that they have serious work to get to.  Someone has
recently stolen top secret toy robot blue prints from the British
Government.  This information in the hands of foreign agents could
result in a hostile government having a complete monopoly in high
tech toys just in time for Christmas!
 UNIT uses all of its vast resources -- and comes up with sod all.
Luckily the new, friendlier, ditzier Sarah Jane Smith decides to
write a fun little article on toys for all the kiddies that read
her column.  She visits a local Dapol factory and discovers a conspiracy
to hush up the fabulous toy making career of one Professor Metalkill.
 Unphased by thoughts of conspiracy and bizarre super technology and
not having an ounce of common sense, Sarah Jane doesn't connect this
to the missing toy plans.
 Eventually a young boy named Kenny reads her column and writes Sarah
Jane an urgent letter telling her the obvious connection and how utterly
stupid she must be not to pick up on this obvious give away.  UNIT wonders
how Kenny is aware of top secret military coming and goings until they
realise Kenny has joined UNIT through an ad they ran in the back of
Doctor Who Weekly.
 Kenny guides UNIT to a top secret underground base where Professor
Metalkill has created 4 giant Gobots capable of destroying all of
 The Brigadier informs the newly regenerated Doctor who commands that
they immediately form Voltron.  The Voltron project is a top secret
UNIT technology which binds together several UNIT jeeps into a battle
class giant robot.
 Voltron is more than capable destroying all four Gobots instantly,
however for reasons unknown the Doctor insists they must fight each
of the Gobots individually and allow them to beat Voltron senseless
for 25 minutes before finally forming a flaming sword to slice the
Gobot in half once and for all.
 The Doctor and UNIT battle inside of Voltron for four amazingly
repetitive episodes until Metalkill and his devious devices are
done in!
 After Voltron is disassembled back into it's component parts
the Doctor lights up a cigarette, tells the entire UNIT organization
that they can go fuck themselves, grabs Sarah Jane, gives her a
wet sloppy kiss, and runs inside the TARDIS chuckling madly.
 The Brigadier and UNIT look on totally stunned in all consuming
shock as the TARDIS dematerializes...

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who's FIRST Adventure! (America Only)
                        Doctor Mysterio El Loco PBS Re-Runno!
                        Voltron Vs. The Gobots And the Orbots
                        Scarf Magazine #1 - Just Look At That Scarf!

Fluffs - Jon Pertwee seemed as dead as disco for most of this story
         Tom Baker keeps saying "Frigadaire Lethbridge-Stewart"

Fashion Victims - The Doctor as a crossdressing mime hooker?
                  I DON'T THINK SO!

Goofs - These Gobots can somehow actually stand a snowballs chance
        in hell against Voltron!  Don't make me laugh!  I recognise
        Gobot fanwank thrash when I see it.
        According to Professor Metalkill he made his Gobot warriors
        out of Mk12 Kits.  However Mk12 kits are not capable of making
        Gobots of this size!  Even Super Mk12 limited edition kits
        can only make models 3 feet in height, no where near the
        grotesque size of the Gobots in this story.
        UNIT uses tanks which are actually green army men tanks!
        In this story supposedly the Doctor chops a brick in half with
        his hand to show that he is an insanely intense fan of Kung Fu -
        The Legend Continues.  However using freeze frame you can easily
        tell the Doctor merely succeeds in hurting the hell of out his
        hand and the sound of the brick breaking was dubbed in later.

Technobabble - The Doctor insists that "ionic phosphorus temporal
               emissions" have absolutely nothing to do with the
               state of his hair

Links and References -
The Doctor's pockets include some cheap Victorian dime novels of
erotic literature (2nd Doctor, LL), a strange alien dildo from
the planet Dildo (1st Doctor, L), and glitter rimmed sunglasses
with DJ ROCK written on the lenses (3rd Doctor, LLL)

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions that before the chameleon circuit broke he
once had a rapping TARDIS with lips

Dialogue Disasters -

SARAH JANE: Look Brigadier!  I think it's starting!
BRIGADIER: My god Mr. Smith!  You're a woman!

BRIGADIER: Doctor!  This time we should form that damn sword
           right away!
DOCTOR: No, we need to pad these out to 25 minutes!

Dialogue Triumphs -

After being rejected by a green squelchy thing -
Brigadier: You know just once I'd like to meet an alien menace
           that fancied a night out!

Brigadier: Naturally the only country that could be trusted with
           the blue prints for the world's most advanced toys
           was Britain!
Doctor: Naturally!  After all the rest might actually have the
        engineering skills to MAKE them!

Doctor: There's no point in being grown up....
Sarah Jane: ..if you can't be childish sometimes?
Doctor: No.  Just growing up sucks.

Doctor: My ex never did like the word "impregnable".
Benton: What's wrong with being impregnable?
Doctor: She wasn't!
Benton: Well, how did you handle that?
Doctor: Ever wonder why I never tell anyone my real name and
        never go back home?

The Doctor's last words to UNIT in this story -
DOCTOR: Screw you guys!  I'm getting putang in time!

Dialogue Oddities -
Many times subtle changes in the script are required for the
ever evolving art of television.  Minor changes in the printed
word, suggested humbly by actors, can provide an occasional
additional layer to a performance --  AND THEN THERE'S TOM
BAKER...who takes the classic "chainsaw" approach to altering
scripts.  Here is an example from Gobot -

The Doctor: Brigadier, there comes a time in life to grow and change.
            With your compassion and guidance I have discovered the
            the beauty of human beings.  Now I must go into the
            universe a new person, and seek out my own truths.

Tom Baker: Oi!  I'm off ducky!  I'll remember you Lethbridge,
           like a memory I once had.  Pass the gin.

Viewers' Quotes -

"I was proud to be the head CSO operator on this story.  I'll
never understand why the BBC fired me on the spot after the
story aired.  What were they thinking?!"  - I.M. Ahack (1975)

"This is the first Doctor Who story.  The last Doctor Who story
being Invasion of Time part 4."  - My PBS station 1980-1984

"A senseless tragedy!  What a bunch of stupid looking robots!
If ONLY they accepted my script for the first fourth Doctor
story - "Doctor Who & UNIT Versus The Quirks".  Could you imagine
what an impact that would have made on the entire era?"
                                - Creator Of The Quirks (1982)

"What kind of wacked out dope is the Doctor on?  I want some!"
                          - Average 8 year old response (1979)

"Dude, you know what they say about guys with long scarves man.
I want a scarf longer than my house.  That would rule."
                          - Charles Daniels (2000)

Introducing a NEW Segment!
Tom Baker has insisted that I can't accurately cover his era WITHOUT his
keen insights and insider information of that period of the show's
history. So I present him with a forum, and you the reader with....

Tom Baker Speaks!

"Yes, well being as this was my first story I have many fond memories.  I
recall after shooting each week I would go to the pub and meet Gerald.
Gerald was a lovely man, very quiet, but he used to make dogs hop about
for sausages.  It was really the part of the week I looked forward to,
spending an evening down at the pub after filming.  Gerald had so many
bright ideas, and was a true inspiration.  In many ways it's a pity that
Gerald never had any involvement whatsoever in Doctor Who, because he was
never shy with buying a round of drinks."

Rumors & Facts -

Tom Baker was chosen by Barry Letts to be the Doctor after Letts was
stunned with his performance as Rasputin in a local London stage
production of A Christmas Carol.  This was not a radical re-write of the
famous Dickens work but instead a strange phenomena unique to the actor
himself.  Since 1966 Tom Baker had been crashing famous plays, wandering
on stage and demanding sex from the actors in the guise of historical
Rasputin. Tom Baker ruined a highly acclaimed tour of the play Romeo And
Juliet by trying to take advantage of the actress acting dead at the end
of the play.  Tom Baker used an amazingly false Russian accent for
Rasputin when he stormed onto an exclusive performance of Les Miserables
for the royal family.  Mobs of the British public flocked to see
The Phantom of the Opera, West Side Story, The Grapes of Wrath, and
many other plays hoping that a drunken Tom Baker would burst in
trying to force a sex starved Rasputin character into the production.

Tom Baker was somewhat crushed when Letts rejected his suggestion
of the 4th Doctor having a beard, a russian accent, and answering
to the name Rasputin.

Tom Baker's radical changes to the script and total disregard for
the plot of the story lead to an investigation which explained his
behaviour once and for all - Tom Baker couldn't read!
It was a shock to all, but the Doctor Who production team immediately
hired a tutor to teach Tom Baker to read english so he could actually
follow the scripts week to week.  This was a long and slow process
which should have seen improvement over his incredibly long run as
the Doctor.