Return of the Cybermen
An alternate Programme Guide by
Eighty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
Serial 4D - Return of the Cybermen -
The Doctor and Sarah return to the BBC set only to find that they
are mysteriously wearing each other's clothing. The BBC set is now
the home of a super intelligent AI computer patterned exactly after
the mind of Eddie Izzard. The entire BBC set is held under the
tight grip of a transvestism field matrix - thus meaning upon arrival
cross dressing is immediately enforced by the local laws of physics.
In the grip of Sarah Jane's uncomfortable shoes The Doctor discovers
the crew have weird mutations of childhood diseases. These diseases
are finally linked back to the presence of Cyberbrats, the evil children
of the Cybermen.
The BBC set is of course in outer space and in orbit around the moon.
This particular version of the earth's moon was a prop taken from
Tom & Jerry's Big Adventures, meaning the entire moon is made of cheese.
Luckily the Doctor gets a bit peckish and decides to abandoned the sick
and dying crew to their fate as he sets off to eat the moon, one bite at
Sarah Jane begs the Doctor to go back and help the crew as it's totally
preposterous to think he can eat the entire moon anyway. The Doctor
calmly assures Sarah that he has brought more than enough crackers for
Eventually back at the base the Cybermen hear of the Doctor's arrival
and speedy retreat to the lunar surface. Legends go back all the way
from the destruction of their homeworld Monday of what a notoriously
great shag the Doctor is. The Cybermen decide to immediately set out
to capture the Doctor and companion.
When they arrive the Doctor is completely drunk off his ass and
trying to scoop up cheese with his bare hands. When he recognises
the Cybermen he stumbles over to greet them in a friendly welcome
and trips over himself. Falling right toward the Cyberleader, The
Doctor's cheese filled hands grip at him to try to maintain his balance.
As the cheese touches the Cyberleader's air duct system in his chest
he dies immediately.
The other Cybermen look on in horror and run away as fast as they
possibly can. The Doctor and Sarah Jane are amazed to have at last
discovered the secret weakness of the Cybermen.
The Doctor and Sarah Jane return to the BBC set orbiting the moon
to discover the Cybermen and Cyberbrats have left in a panic. The
Cyber invasion has come to an abrupt end. The surviving crew and
Eddie Izzard AI thank the Doctor for saving the day. The Doctor
admits it was a big cock up and is about to return to the moon with
some more crackers when he receives a collect phone call from the
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Becomes A CyberPimp (Canada Only)
Doctor Mysterio El Molestare 2000!
Cybersex 2000: Liquid Cheese Lube Classic
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed pissed for most of this story
The Doctor's dialogue is nearly unintelligible for most of
this story. Perhaps the were shooting particularly close
to a pub?
Fashion Victims - The Cybermen's ridiculous iron wills, platform shoes,
padded shoulders, smiling faces, not to mention the
Goofs - The Doctor was wearing a long brown coat and hat at the end
of the last story, yet these do not appear on Sarah Jane when
they materialise. Were they mugged in the time/space vortex or
did the Eddie Izzard AI merely delete these items as
There is a brief unexplained shot of Lister wearing an upside
down Star Trek insignia
Cyberbrats are hugged as they attack humans. Do humans like
Cyberbrats for some reason?
Obvious NASA footage is used of the Apollo moon landing, for
no readily explored reason
The Cyberleader mentions that when he last met the Doctor
he gave him a long swedish massage. When did this take place??
The moon isn't actually made of cheese -- yes I know a sad nitpick
Technobabble - The Doctor calmly explains "The phobic energy of the
hystrenic computation overlay is what allows me
to eat this much cheese."
Links and References - The Cybermen talk fondly of shagging the Doctor
before (The Tense Planet, serial DD). One of
the Cybermen also calls him Cuddles.
Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor once again mentions his embarrasing
Harry Houdini anecdote but this time also talks about how it got them a
date with Queen Victoria (ZZZ)
Dialogue Disasters -
After the stunning death of the Cyberleader by being rubbed with cheese
a Cyberman looks on in horror saying - "That's not gouda."
The few suriving human resistance fighters discuss strategies -
Tyrum: We should discuss a plan of action.
Kellman: Let's take the Cybermen from behind.
Tyrum: Kellman! We're suppose to be RESISTING the Cybermen! I'll
have no more of that talk!
Kellman: Pull harder, it's coming.
Tyrum: (annoyed) There's always one, isn't there?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Sarah: Doctor you have the philosophy of Mighty Mouse.
Doctor: Here I come to save the day!
Cyberman: Leader, we're heading for the biggest bang in history.
(To the Cybermen)
Doctor: You're nothing but a pathetic bunch of wankers! I've seen
your future and your sad pathetic kind end up presenting
the Eurovision Song Contest for the rest of eternity.
Cyberleader: Cybermen can shag much more efficiently than animal
organisms. That is why we will rule the porn industry,
and from there the Galaxy!
(After the stunning death of the Cyberleader)
Sarah: Did you know that would kill them Doctor?
Doctor: Of course....not
Sarah: But how could such a weakness go undetected for so long?
Doctor: Well I guess when being attacked by an oncoming horde of
Cybermen no one has ever thought of just going up and shoving
cheese at them.
Dialogue Oddities -
Many times subtle changes in the script are required for the
ever evolving art of television. Minor changes in the printed
word, suggested humbly by actors, can provide an occasional
additional layer to a performance -- AND THEN THERE'S TOM
BAKER...who takes the classic "hacksaw" approach to
Here is an example from Return Of The Cybermen -
The Doctor: Cybermen, first you lost your organic lungs to breathe in
the poisoned air caused by your factories. Then you replaced
your arms and legs so you could move about the toxic mud of
your cities. You replaced your brains to computers to drive
away the insanity and guilt caused by your actions. And now
you are left heartless and souless. Mutilated, mocked, and
left empty by the machines you designed to give you life.
Tom Baker: Cybermen, boy they fucked up.
Viewers' Quotes -
"The story sucked. Since all Cybermen stories are unoriginal uninspired
trash anyway, this was one of the best." - Thomas Colca (1990)
"Yeuch." - Keith Miller (DWFC Mag #24 May/June 1975)
"So the Cybermen are allergic to cheese? I think they are just dickin'
me now." - Father James O'Maley (1975)
"Like they say - 'It's the Cheese'." Charles Daniels (2000)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
A very strange little scary man has insisted that since I'm giving
Tom Baker a voice in these programme guides that I have to give him
a voice too. He's a bizarre unabomber type, which is why I call this
fan reaction section 'Psychotic Nostalgia':
"Man! Did you see those head guns?? I want to mount a gun in my
head just like the Cybermen! That would rule!"
Tom Baker Speaks!
Tom Baker has insisted that I can't accurately cover his era WITHOUT his
keen insights and insider information of that period of the show's
history. So I present him with a forum, and you the reader with....
"The Cybermen were my most threathening and lactose intolerant enemies
on Doctor Who. I remember they were very tall and I was worried that
if they were taller than me I would stop being the children's hero.
Of course I was a better children's hero because I went around eating
candy and smiling and the Cybermen went about crushing people and being
nasty. I remembered I was suppose to look horrified of the advances
that the Cybermen were making to me, but at the time I was miserably
lonely and under those circumstances it wasn't so bad. Those were
lonely times and I think if anything I would have liked to sat down
at the local pub and just shared some drinks with the Cybermen and
then maybe gone back to my place. But those are past regrets surely.
I guess there is a time in one's life for Cyberorgies and then you
just settle down and go on and go grey. I never amounted to anything
after the failure I cultivated so well from my time on Doctor Who.
I'd like to think that the Cybermen would still have me if I offered.
They looked so cute in those flared trousers."
Rumors & Facts -
The working title of this story was "Revenge of the Cybermen" but this
was changed when a fan of the programme, George Lucas, mentioned that
Cybermen wouldn't seek revenge.
One thing you might have never known is that season 12 has a second
companion for the Doctor. His name is Harry Sullivan and he apparently
is in every story if you watch closely enough. Presumably the writers
never gave him anything to do of any importance that couldn't be done
by someone else better. I have watched all my videos frame by
frame and have come to the conclusion that this is either a wild rumour
or that faction paradox has completely removed him from my tapes.
At only twenty episodes, the 12th season had been by far the shortest
of Doctor Who history up to this point. The original intention was
that Return of the Cybermen was to be followed by a further six part
story however Tom Baker decided to go on a six week bender. It was
part of his original contract that he could spend the last six weeks
of the season completely shitfaced in the back of a Marks & Spencers.
The original season ender "The Dustbin Invasion of Marks & Spencers"
had to be cancelled when the store flatly refused to allow Tom Baker
back inside after an incident with a store mannequin.
The stories of the twelfth season, despite having traditional elements
of robots cleaning and fornicating across the galaxy, had shown a change
in approach of the stories. The stories of season 12 mostly existed to
push the newest and coolest toy tie-ins. Children everywhere were
inspired to go and by Dustbin Dolls, Cybermen Calculators, Mr. Potato
Head Snotarans, Doctor Who Dynamo Labellers, and Gadget Gobots.
I myself was so absorbed by the toy madness of season 12 that I spent
over $300 on Slime Green Snotaran Gelatin Molds.