Genocide of the Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Eightieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Scarves

NOTE: This is not the same item that appears in Perfect Timing 2

Serial 4E - Genocide of the Dustbins -

  A mysterious man in a halloween Dracula costume summons the Doctor
and Sarah Jane to the ancient past of the planet Fargo.  The strange
fellow claims to be a Time Lord but is revealed to be a programming
exective from the Drama Department of the BBC.  The executive explains
that a ratings blockbuster is required so the BBC has paid Terry Nation
his regular fee of 25 human souls per episode for the use of the dustbins.
The Doctor explains calmly that he will only do the story if he gets
to be eaten by a giant clam.
  When the bizarre executive explains the Doctor's mission there is
some hesitation.  The agreed upon mission is that the Doctor is
to either stop the creation of the Dustbins,  discover some primal
weakness that can be used against them, or in a last ditch effort
figure out which products would best use their image and design
a series of collectible dustbin crap that will net the BBC a fortune.
In fact executive stresses this last option most strongly but in
order to keep some pretense of a plot the others are also briefly
  The Dulls and Distbuns are fighting terrible and hideous war
on the planet Fargo.  The war has waged so long it's original
reason has been lost to memory but many galactic experts speculate
it started when two roomates with degrees in nuclear physics
had an argument over where to keep the remote control for the
television.  Sadly many of the most bloody and disgusting wars
in history have started with someone misplacing items such
as remote controls in candy dishes, cheese in the freezer, or
nuclear missiles in Cuba.
   The Doctor and Sarah Jane find themselves hunted by both sides
of this long and devastating conflict.  The Doctor eventually becomes
a prisoner of Lavros, a wrinkly prune faced mutant who sees himself
as a bit of a ladies' man.  Lavros has dedicated his entire life to
the creation of a Cyberloo through which he dreams of attaining total
control over his own bodily functions and from there the entire universe.
Lavros then adapted his travelling cyberloo to his own obsessive
compulsive creations.  These were to be the ultimate form of the
Distbuns.  Lavros calmly explains that he envisioned these creations
as the inevitable evolution of his race.  However it is revealed that
these are something he just sneezed up one day in the lab and had
to explain away quickly before embarrassing himself.  Even after
placing the mutations in the travel machines Lavros knew something
was incomplete with these foul beings.  There is some crucial
element they seem to be missing until in a further flash of genius
Lavros decides to swap the vowels "i" and "u" to create - The Dustbins.
   During a formal dinner chat the Doctor discovers that Lavros
is totally fixated on his own digestive system.  Trying to change the
topic of conversation he engages Lavros in polite conversation about
his plans to use the Dustbins to clean up the war room, tidy up
the entire HQ complex, make a few inspiring speeches for morale,
and then heartlessly exterminate all life in the universe.
   Several of the engineers on the project are upset by this revelation
as the Dustbins were designed to be household cleaning droids and
not metallic assassins of total evil.  Lavros sweetly explains that
since it was the living members of the military which got the complex
dirty in the first place, killing them should fix the problem permanently.
No one can fault his efficiency or the money his proposal will undoubtly
save in the areas of catering and oxygen production.
   The Doctor is horrified by what Lavros is doing.  The Doctor points
out that to make the operation more effective they should strap guns
onto the Dustbins.   The Doctor sees the fact that Lavros wants his
Dustbins to kill off the entire universe armed with nothing but a
broom and a dustpan as a sure sign of his mental problems.
   Lavros uses his Dustbins to wipe clean the Dull City.  Even though
they use napalm spray to get the tough stains on the walls some
Dulls survive.  The Doctor manages to entomb Lavros in a fortified
roller disco which has remain untouched since before the beginning
of the war.  Here the Dustbins turn on Lavros, deep scrubbing their
creator.  The Doctor refuses to destroy the Dustbins when he has
the chance on the grounds that his apartment has gone so disgustingly
grotty that he wouldn't mind if they invaded it.  As he gathers up
a Dustbins thermos, a collection of Dapol and Rolykin Dustbins, and
Dustbins - The Collectible Card Game, the Doctor even says a greater
good will come of them in cheap toy sales.
   The Doctor starts chugging from a bottle of "Jack Dustbin Whiskey"
shaped like an actual Dustbin and eventually passes out.
   After snoring drunkenly for a few hours the Doctor and Sarah Jane
disappear in a cheap edit effect.  The Doctor reveals that he picked
up a time travelling friendship bracelet while taking a hit of acid on
Haight-Ashbury in San Francisco.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Dustbins Without A Cause
                        Doctor Mysterio El Dustbin Killero DIE DIE DIE!
                        When Horny Dustbins Go Bad
                        The Dustbins Collectibles Big Book O' Crap

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed shitfaced for most of this story
         Tom Baker explains "Whatever I've done for you in the
         past I've more than paid you for."

Fashion Victims - The Doctor and Sarah Jane materialise with
                  orange traffic cones on their heads
                  (For Some reason travel with the time travelling
                  friendship bracelet causes these orange traffic
                  cones to magically appear)

Goofs - The Dustbin beanie baby seen as the Doctor empties his pockets
        isn't a proper Dustbin beanie baby but a cheap home made rip off

Technobabble - "They've made these toy Dustbins out of Plastikanium!"
               "What's that mean Doctor?"
               "Don't you see?  Plastikanium is of such high quality
                it will provide endless hours of carefree fun for
                boys and girls all over the world just in time for
                Christmas!  I bet they're selling these at Woolworth's
                right this very moment!"

Links and References - This story's obligatory emptying of the Doctor's
                       pockets scene reveals Fuzzy, King of the Sock
                       Puppets (Serial A), a bag of jelly babies, and
                       Jo Grant's knickers.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions during his polite dinner chat that the Dustbin
vacation on earth in the year 2000 was abruptly ended when he
dressed as a giant blancmange and stole their traveller's checks to
order 48 million kilts from a certain Angus Podgorny.

And more importantly the Doctor ended up with Jo Grant's knickers in
his pockets SOMEHOW!

Dialogue Disasters -

Servin: But obviously these Dustbin creatures are 'armless.

Lavros: Today the Distbun race is ended, destroyed in a stream
        of mop 'n glow, but from their suds a new spelling will
        arise - The Dustbins!

Doctor: Lavros, if you were to be a tree, any sort of tree you'd
        like to be, what sort of tree would you be?
Lavros: Any kind of tree?  In the entire universe of space and time?
Doctor: Sure.
Lavros: Interesting conjecture.
Doctor: Yes, what kind of tree?
Lavros: I would like to be a hot dog stand.
Doctor: But that's not a tree at all!
Lavros: There are more things in heaven and earth than are trees
        in your philosophy Doctor!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: Lavros, if you had created a toy in your laboratory.  Something
        cheap and shotty that broke on contact.  A toy so popular it
        would out sell all other toys in existence..would you sell it?
Lavros: Is this a game of scruples Doctor?  Interesting conjecture.
Doctor: Would you sell it?
Lavros: The cheapest, best selling toy in the galaxy...reigning supreme..
        a fascinating idea.
Doctor: But would you sell it?
Lavros: Yes.  Yes!  To hold in my hand a toy, so badly constructed,
        to know that I could change the fate of FAO Swartz forever.
        To know that the tiny pressure on my thumb, would be enough
        to break the damn thing and make the kid have to buy another.
        Yes I WOULD do it!  The power would set me up above the gods.
        And through the Dustbins I shall have that power!

Doctor: If someone who knew the future, pointed out a child to you
        and told you that child would grow up totally evil, to be
        a ruthless power hungry megalomaniac with no regard for
        millions of people... could you then kill that child?
Sarah Jane: Doctor!  Honestly, why do you keep talking about
            Michael Grade during sex?

DUSTBIN: My Squeegee Is Impaired!  I CAN NOT MOP!  My Squeegee
         Is Impaired!  I CAN NOT MOP!

Doctor: I know that although the Dustbins will create havoc and
        destruction for millions of years, I know also, that out
        of their evil, must come a booming toy industry.

Lavros: About what you were saying earlier Doctor.  Any kind of tree?
Doctor: What?  Oh, yes any kind of tree you'd like to be at all.
Lavros: You're not shitting me?

Dialogue Oddities -
Many times subtle changes in the script are required for the
ever evolving art of television.  Minor changes in the printed
word, suggested humbly by actors, can provide an occasional
additional layer to a performance --  AND THEN THERE'S TOM
BAKER...who takes the classic "flame thrower" approach to
altering scripts.
Here is an example from Genocide Of The Dustbins -

The Doctor: But if I kill.  Wipe out an entire intelligent life form.
            Than I become like them.  I'd be no better than the Dustbins.

Tom Baker: Sarah, if I blow the fuck out of the Dustbins, will you
           still respect me in the morning?

Viewers' Quotes -

"This story is very intelligent and poses very haunting philosophical
questions.  I mean after all, I don't know what kind of tree I would
like to be."     - Douglas Fir (1984)

"This is the story were the Doctor really takes a moral stance.
Sure, he could have just gone along with the original plan, but
instead he stood firm and insisted that a giant clam attack him."
                 - Wayne Johns (1978)

"I was part of the cleaning staff for the BBC and to be honest
the Dustbin stories were always my favorite.  The guys did such
a good job keeping the entire place eeirely clean.  I remember
lots of local parks would invite them to film there because the
Dustbin actors really got into cleaning everything.  Sure after
a hard day's filming they might have a psychotic breakdown and
kill a few people, but they always cleaned up afterwards and were
extremely polite about it.  Wonderful chaps, all of them."
                 - Dustbins: 30 Squeaky Clean Years In Time (1994)

"I predict that by the year 2000 the Dustbins will have completely
conquered the earth and started to host a variety of entertaining
and horrific morning talk shows.  Sure the brutal repression and
extermination of all humankind will be a bit of a disappointment when
it finally comes but at least under their watch you'll get decent dry
cleaning."       - Professor I.M. Aloony (1975)

"Dustbins?  Doctor Who?  Whatever are you on about?"
       - When I Used My Time Machine To Interview Terry Nation (1959)

"Dude, it's the year 2000 and no computer crashin' robot apocalypse!
Science Fiction lied to us dude!"   - Charles Daniels (2000)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
A very strange little scary man has insisted that since I'm giving
Tom Baker a voice in these programme guides that I have to give him
a voice too.  He's a bizarre unabomber type, which is why I call this
fan reaction section 'Psychotic Nostalgia':

"YES!  This story was amazing man.  Genocide of the Dustbins.
I remember tuning it in on my 12" black and white tv trying to
get the station from 50 miles away which was going to show it for
the first time.  I sat back with about twenty tacos from Jack In
The Box and WOW!  This story changed my whole life.  Genocide of
the Dustbins was so good that I decided to honor the forces that
brought it to me, and that night in celebration I snuffed my first
drifter.  It doesn't get any better than that!"

Tom Baker Speaks!
Tom Baker has insisted that I can't accurately cover his era WITHOUT his
keen insights and insider information of that period of the show's
history. So I present him with a forum, and you the reader with....

"Oh yes I remember this classic story 'Jenny Of the Dustbins' it was
called.  For the life of me I can't remember why.  I think it had
something to do with the Dustbins and their creator Lavros and
we were having a polite dinner, and maybe Jenny was one of the
waitresses serving us the food.  I remember that I had the idea
of filming this entire story in a local pub.  I was planning on
going to the pub afterwards in any case and I thought it might save
us all some time.  I don't think they went along with my suggestion
but if they did I probably would have imbibed myself beyond the
sensibility to remember.  Anyway this story was very important because
not only did it tackle serious moral issues but it sold an awful
lot of toys if I recall.  I like toys.  I wish I could just take you
all home with me and show you my toys sometime."

Rumors & Facts -

  This story is heralded as a beloved classic of science fiction world
wide.  In America this is mostly due to the fact that it has Tom Baker
as the Doctor and each of his stories are guaranteed classic status
under fandom law.  In Britain it's success was assured when the Doctor
was eaten by a giant clam, because apparently British people of the
early 70s were into that sort of thing.  In Japan it became a recognized
classic only after Fuji Tv re-edited the story to include three
animated school girls who telepathically communicate with cats from
another dimension and whom randomly mutate at the cliffhangers.
In Lesotho it was widely acclaimed after being translated into
Scsotho as it was the only program to be translated into Scsotho
for a good long time.  In Burundi it became an instant hit because
it was broadcast on the television they'd been saving up for.
And finally in Milton Keynes it became a beloved classic because
there was fuck all else to do in Milton Keynes but watch Doctor Who
  The Dustbins themselves were reportedly pleased with the story.
Their last story "Death of the Dustbins" had seen them in a creative
war of differences.  New younger Dustbins were excited to be given
a shot on Doctor Who with their band's radical new sound.
Their album "Paranoid" rocked the entire musical scene and was
reviewed as "The Best Album Released By Alien Killing Machines
in quite some years."
 The band consisted of Duzzy Dustbourne, Sconey Iommi, Geezer Butler,
and Still Warm. Their first Doctor Who hit album had the following
tracks -

Dust Pigs/Puke's Wall
Planet Minivan
Dust Man
Electric Toothbrush
Hand of Broom
Mop Salad
Wack The Clipper/Dustbins Use Brooms

  While the Dustbins were obviously to be the stars of the story,
Tom Baker had some reservations and changes he wanted to make.  His
first idea was that Genocide of the Dustbins should take place
right at the END of Dustbin history.  Thus making it easier for
the Doctor to accomplish his mission, making the story shorter,
and allowing him more free time to be spent down at the local pub.
When this possibility fell through Tom Baker then insisted on
being eaten by a giant clam.  This wasn't in the original script
whatsoever and there was some worry about how Mr. Baker could be
accommodated on this demand.  It was only by lucky coincidence that
in the next lot a very awful horror movie was being filmed
"Venus On The Half-Shell: The Revenge!"
  There was an air of satisfaction in the Doctor Who staff when a
story was slaved over, dedicated to, completed, aired, and then not
burnt by the BBC immediately after broadcast.  That's when they all
knew they had a good one.