Terror of the Bygones

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Eighty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Long Distance

Serial 4F - Terror of the Bygones  -

 Summoned back to earth by a collect telephone call, the Doctor insists
the Brigadier pay him back 12 Million Altarian Dollars of the charges.
The Brigadier dismisses this demand away as just being plain silly.
If the Doctor didn't want to foot the bill he didn't have to accept
the call in the first place.
 The world is in terrible danger.  Only UNIT's manpower and the Doctor's
mind combined can save the fragile oasis of the heavens this is the earth.
Faced with certain destruction, the Doctor flatly refuses to do anything
until the Brigadier makes some token attempt to pay him back for the
phone bill.
 Sarah Jane tries in vain to talk the Doctor into assisting UNIT and
saving the planet.  When she is convinced nothing can be done she reads
through the Doctor's personal diary.  In the diary she discovers the
Doctor once had a housemate named The Bastard and furthermore reads
an account of how an argument over the phone bill they had once
almost destroyed the entire cosmos.  Sarah Jane realizes that the
Brigadier has accidentally triggered some dark dimension of the Doctor.
All seems hopeless until Sarah Jane flips through the diary once more
and discovers some incredibly comprising photos of the Doctor and
and the Bastard at a Japanese all girl school.
  When the Doctor is faced with this dangerous blackmail material
he instantly is enlisted to saving the day.
  The centre of the strangeness is Tiverton Parkway, a small train station
in Devon.  Due to the fact that this story was written by an American,
this small Devon town is only a short walk from Loch Ness.
  The Doctor discovers that Taunton, Tiverton Parkway, Exeter St. Davids
and many other area train stations are at the mercy of attacks by the
Loch Ness Monster.  After some investigation the Doctor decides that
the the Loch Ness Monster is in fact...the Loch Ness Monster.  He then
logically concludes that the Loch Ness Monster has lived on earth for
hundreds of millions of years, survived a massive extinction that wiped
out 90% of the earth's life, and thrived until modern times and therefore
should be left alone to do as it pleases.  The Doctor sees no reason
to interfere with the forces of nature and evolution.
  At first this decision proves unpopular with the UNIT team however
it is accepted after a group of out of work actors are caught dressing
up as the Loch Ness Monster and killing people.  The second rate actors,
unable to get proper jobs, plan to wander through city centres dressed
as the actual monster, begging for money and killing random people to
instill a sense of terror.
  The Doctor and Brigaider team up and go on stake out.  Sitting in
a mini, eating donuts, playing cards, and talking about past glories,
the Doctor and Brigadier wait and wait for something of interest to
occur.  It finally does when two Loch Ness Monsters are seen fighting
on the High Street.  One of them is the real Loch Ness Monster, the
other a group of sad bygone washups not fit for an appearance on
Harry Hill.
  The Doctor motions to the Brigadier who then blows up one of
the monsters, the entire city centre, and most of Devon except
the Doctor, himself, and the other Loch Ness Monster.
  The Doctor smiles, pleased that the real giant beast of prehistory
can carry on it's life of swimming and killing.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who - Empire Of Naked Love Zombies (Canada)
                        Doctor Mysterio El Monsterro Grande!
                     Virgin Trains: We May Be Late, But We're Not

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed joyfully murderous for most of this story

Fashion Victims - The ridiculously sad Loch Ness Monster costume worn
                  by actors so bad they had to be washed up actors on
                  Doctor Who

Goofs - How could anyone be unable to tell the difference between the
        real prehistoric Loch Ness Monster and a few guys under a green
        The Doctor states the phone bill was over 12 Million Altarian
        Dollars, yet this is an extremely costly rate to calling Jupiter.
        The Doctor must have accidentally put the Bridgadier on his
        Enemies & Nemesis plan.

Technobabble - The outer space telephone used to call the Doctor is
               for some reason named "Super Outer Space Telephone
               Thingie Spiff-a-rinno" and the Doctor gets very upset
               if you try to shorten the term

Links and References - The Brigadier mentions that he's still trying to
                       get a date with The Ambassadors of Sex (CCC)
                       Sarah Jane discovers more about the Doctor's and
                       The Bastard's kinky past and about the strange cat
                       costumes worn by the students of Hattori Girl's

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions that he used to "go cruisin' for chicks with the
Loch Ness Monster".

Dialogue Disasters -

Bygone: Let us be us!
Doctor: What, let Bygones be Bygones?  I don't think so!

The unfortunate UNIT bean eating contest scene -
Doctor: Was that bang big enough for you Brigadier?!

Brigadier: Doctor, I called you on the space telephone because-
Doctor: WHAT!?!?!?  What did you call it??  You think I slaved for
        months making this highly advanced technological device
        just so you could call it a "space telephone"??  It's called
        a Super Outer Space Telephone Thingie Spiff-a-rinno, to you

Brigadier: I've called you due to an emergency with this device you
           left me.
Doctor: You mean the Super Outer Space Telephone Thingie Spiff-a-rinno
Brigadier: No, um, not the Super Outer Space Telephone Thingie
           Spiff-a-rinno...the, um, the other one.
Doctor: That's an emergency?
Brigadier: Well it is to me!
Doctor: Emergency?  HA!  It's about time the people who run this planet
        of yours realised that being dependant on water soluble lubricants
        just doesn't make sense.

Dialogue Triumphs -

The Doctor insults the washed up actors -
"You're a bunch of thin skinned, over emotional, over acting rejects.
You could never rule the world in a godless dictatorship, you couldn't
handle the reviews."

Brigadier: But Doctor, how did you tell the real Loch Ness Monster
           from the actors?
Doctor: The Loch Ness Monster in the alley asked me for something
        very near and dear to me.
Brigadier: What would that be?
Doctor: Three-fifty.

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: The Loch Ness Monster, a wonder of survival.  A testament
            to the durability of life.

Tom Baker: We used to go cruisin' for chicks back in the Jurrasic.

Viewers' Quotes -

"This story was interesting because it reveals that not only is the Loch
Ness Monster real, but that he's a swinger."  - Greg Smith (1997)

"Tonight on In Search Of.. we analyze these startling new photographs
of the Loch Ness Monster and this mysterious man in a colorful scarf,
frequenting what appear to be Soho strip clubs."  - Leonard Nimoy (1979)

"So the Loch Ness Monster can fit through the TARDIS doors?  What the
fuck is this about then?"  - Father James O'Maley (1975)

"Who wants dinosaurs?  Those are so cliche.  Children, adults, men,
women, monkeys, vampire bats..we're all the same deep down.  We
all wanted to see the same thing in this story -- QUIRKS!"
                           - Creator of the Quirks (1976)

"Dude, wouldn't it be cool to hang out with the Loch Ness Monster
and the Doctor and like pick up women?  Screw world peace, I want
to be able to do that for Christmas."  - Charles Daniels (2000)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I was adding another tattoo to my face when this one came on the TV.
When I first saw this one, those were the good old days of Doctor Who.
However at the cliffhanger the damn PBS station did a pledge break.
I hated them whenever they did that.  It's only good that a few years
later I ate them all."

Tom Baker Speaks!

"The Loch Ness Monster Goes Stir Crazy was the title of that one.
I remember that story fondly.  I think I recall just about everything
about the story other than the plot which was never VERY important
as I gathered.  You know most the scenes involved me which was lovely.
The scenes which I wasn't in I really couldn't be bothered with learning
so it made it hard to really follow what was suppose to be going on
in the story, and it's definitely that and not the copious amounts of
lager that I would insist being poured down my throat by the stage hands.
You see back in those days of being a child's hero I really was dedicated
to saving the world every week, it was terribly fun.  And it's so good
to see Nicholas and Elisabeth there.  In fact I think I'm going to watch
this scene again in slow motion.  Oh yes, I have got to get this one on
video.  How fun."

Rumors & Facts -

 You know that rumor about Ian Levine's pants?
 It's true.