Pyramids of Cards
An alternate Programme Guide by
Eighty-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Suicide Kings
Serial 4G - Pyramids Of Cards -
The Doctor has totally lost his mind. His phone bill is currently
approaching the gross national debt of the United States in the year
2014. Convincing Sarah Jane to don advanced battle tech gear the Doctor
plans an assault on UNIT HQ. The Doctor and Sarah Jane plan to attack,
capture, and then demand some measure of payment for UNITs massive
abuses of the Doctor's RassilonCom account. The Doctor fears that
agents of The Phone Company Of The Most Ancient And Wise Rassilon
may be hunting him down. The vicious phone police of Gallifrey are
notorious intergalactic stalkers who do not take prisoners.
As the TARDIS makes it's way to UNIT HQ a strange and powerful
force grips them. Terrified for the first few moments, the Doctor
and Sarah soon discover that being gripped and fondled by unknown
god-like entities from the depths and horrors of the time vortex
isn't actually all that bad! They learn to relax and enjoy the
strange trans-temporal molestation, which sadly ends all too briefly.
Still in the glow of the passing excitement they forget to check
their destination read out and instead enjoy a short smoke.
The TARDIS has been diverted away from it's original course and
lands in 1911.
As it happens this is convenient because the story this week actually
takes place in 1911, and they'd be in some other story if they landed
in the right time. Since the script this week was for 1911 this makes
it much easier on them as otherwise they'd need to improvise, which
in the 4th Doctor's case is extremely dangerous.
In recent news, Professor Cartman has inadvertently broken into
the forgotten prison of Q-tip, last of the Old Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking
Ones. Q-tip is a creature with god-like powers and his only ambition
is to build a totally perfect pyramid using several decks of playing
cards. Defeated by his brother Cthulhu Jones and the rest of the Old
Evil Bastard Dirty Wanking Ones, Q-tip has lain prisoner for centuries
in a forgotten Aztec disco dance ballroom.
The Doctor and Sarah are upset to arrive in Professor Cartman's house
in a strange and haunted place in the english isles known only by the
enigmatic name "Surrey" (Which will later become the site of UNIT'S
LYCRA BONDAGE FUNHOUSE). The two discover that Cartman has been
possessed by the power of Q-tip. While usually possession by a strange
elusive dark god that should not be is a negative experience and bad for
one's temperment the locals all comment that Cartman is nicer, happier,
and livelier than ever!
The Doctor demands a direct face to face meeting with Q-tip as he
has not yet discovered the being's desires or goals. When he gets his
meeting with Q-tip he jumps at the shot to criticize him. He points
out that even though Q-tip was once a nearly all powerful being he
is now forced to sit in his chair where disembodied hands comically
pinch his bottom. An angered Q-tip focuses the power of the hot disco
lights onto the Doctor who screams in mind crushing pain.
After the Doctor has been totally subdued Q-tip rants on and on about
his glorious plan to make perfect pyramids of cards all over the world.
The Doctor is shocked and expresses no sympathy whatsoever for these
unusual desires. Calmly the Doctor explains that a truly evil entity
would have a truly worthy goal such as destroying all life in the cosmos.
The Doctor dismisses Q-tip entirely for his lack of malevolent leanings.
In rage Q-tip promises the Doctor that he could really destroy all of
life in time and space if he truly wished to. The Doctor laughs loudly
in Q-tip's face.
The Doctor bids the prince of evil an adieu and goes back to Sarah Jane
to explain the situation. Sarah Jane demands that they leave. She
reasons that she's seen the future and Q-tip never got freed, her world
of 1980 isn't filled with pyramids of cards. Indulging the argument the
Doctor takes Sarah Jane to the future and she sees a world ravaged by
gratuitous playing card constructions. The Doctor is deeply disgusted,
this Q-tip loser isn't a proper villain, he isn't a danger to life as we
know it on a comic scale. As far as the Doctor is concerned this guy is
a total loser and waste of demonic potential.
The Doctor returns to 1911 and the prison of Q-tip. Calmly he
explains the future world that he and Sarah have seen in the year 1980.
Q-tip is delighted to know that one day his decks of cards will rise
up from the ground to create an empire of laminated paper pyramids.
The Doctor is appalled by the inanity of this menace and simply walks
Sarah asks about the potential 1980 they saw and the Doctor explains
that it was just one of many possible 1980s. Sarah Jane pleads with the
Doctor and asks what he is going to do to stop this otherworldly threat
to the earth. The Doctor tells her that if the human race can't fend off
one insane alien god who wants to build a lot of cute card houses all
over the planet, they aren't worth the trouble. He speculates that
anyone with half a brain will be able to stop this terror to mankind,
but personally he can't be bothered.
The quest to settle his phone bill debt is much more important than
the fate of being named Q-tip.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Nude Alien Lust Goddesses (Canada)
Doctor Mysterio El Wacko Q-tip Extremo!
Tobin's Spirit Guide - Volume Q
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed poker faced for most of this story
Fashion Victims - Q-tip praises his mummy servants whom all look
like the Michellen Man
Goofs - Sarah says the prison reminds her of having sex with a dustbin,
but she never had sex with a dustbin! Perhaps the Doctor showed
her some pictures of Playbeing Magazine which featured Jo Grant
having sex with Dustbins as it was one of the 700 best selling
magazines of all time.
Rather conveniently Sarah Jane's high tech battle suit, which
she puts on before they land, is camouflaged as a period dress!
A fan sent me e-mail from a uni account complaining that the
Doctor made a mathematical error. Apparently the Doctor says
"120.3cm multiply by the binary figure 10 zero zero".
Mathmaster@ucs.cam.ac.uk violently INSISTS that the Doctor
should say "20.3cm multiply by the binary figure 10 zero zero".
Now I'm not going to lie, I have no clue if this is correct
or not. I hate long boring e-mail detailing maths concepts
which really don't relate to my own life. So I've included
his comments in the hopes that other people who don't want to
deal with complex maths will spam this sad bastard for being
such a maths dork as to correct the higher knowledge of Doctor
Technobabble - The TARDIS' relative continuum stabilizer is fixed
by giving it a good kick. We also have parallax
coils, a cytronic particle accelerator, etheric
impulses, a decadron crucible and triobiphysics,
all of which are fixed with a good rap on the
Links and References - Sarah Jane wears a kinky victorian battle suit
which the Doctor originally wanted Victoria to
Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor was given Marie Antoinette's
head as an unusual souvenir of Paris
Dialogue Disasters -
Sarah: We travel in time, Mr Cartman. I'm really from 1980.
Cartman: That is utterly preposterous, Miss Smith. How can that
possibly fit into UNIT dating?
Sarah: Yes. Sorry.
Cartman: Whyever do you suggest having sex in this fashion?
Doctor: Well, you see, Cartman, I have the advantage of being
slightly ahead of you. Sometimes behind you, but
normally ahead of you.
Doctor: That's the world as Q-tip would leave it: I dare say Bicycle
Playing Cards must be the richest company in the universe
by this point.
The Doctor's ridiculously inappropriate remark after landing them
in the middle of a brothel: "1980, Sarah, if you want to get off."
The just plain creepy S&M scene between the Doctor and Q-tip:
Q-tip: You pit your puny will against mine? In my presence you are
an ant, a termite. Abase yourself, you groveling insect!
Doctor: I will do nothing of the kind!
Q-tip: I've endured an eternity of darkness and impotence. I shall not
be denied now!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: I'm a Time Lord... You don't understand the implications.
I'm not a human being. I walk in depravity!
Doctor: Deactivating a generator loop without the correct key is like
repairing a watch with a hammer and chisel. I should know,
I do it all the time.
Sarah: You have a lot of experience with generator loops?
Doctor: What??! No, I just get terribly upset when my watch breaks.
Q-tip: My evil is your good. My chocolate is your tofu. My being a
really nice guy is your being a total and complete bastard.
Where I tread, I leave nothing but playing cards pyramids,
that is my good.
Doctor: Playing card pyramids?? Wait. Are you shitting me?
Q-tip: My sushi is your cardboard, my curry sauce is your glue paste,
my sex with asian prostitutes is your evening at home with mom
and pop. I think that making pyramids out of playing cards is
a fun hobby.
Doctor: Yes but you have the powers of a malevolent entity..no more
than that A GOD! Can't you aspire to something more evil?
How about destroying the cosmos?
Q-tip: No. My illicit pornography is your Archie Comic. My onion dip
is your ear wax. My--
Doctor: Yes!! YESS! YES! How about just destroying all the life on
this planet. At least THAT would be something.
Q-tip: No, I just like stacking playing cards.
Doctor: Oh well, then fuck off with you, I can't be bothered!
Sarah Jane pleading afterwards in the TARDIS -
Sarah Jane: But how can you expect the human race to survive without
your help? What can we do?
Doctor: Don't sell the bastard any playing cards for one!
Dialogue Oddities -
The Doctor: The ancient gods have been awakened. We are at their mercy.
The time of reckoning is upon us.
Tom Baker: The ancient gods, they are awake now. Still, it's the loser
of the family, the one they kept locked in the closet for
centuries out of embarrassment. We should be fine.
Viewers' Quotes -
"I for one supported Q-tip entirely throughout this tale, and was glad
that the Doctor decided to mind his own business. If Q-tip ever did
manage to escape the ancient disco, I would like very much to meet
him and maybe go out to the pub for some dancing."
- Herbert Bromly, Owner of "Bromly's Games And Cards", Seeking Young
Men And Ancient Gods For Company At Social And Private Functions
"I can speak directly that I, for one, if summoned, would NOT build
any card structures, or indeed anything of any description whatsoever.
Instead I would spend my time consuming all of creation. That is
what I'm all about." - Cthulhu (1976)
"As an Egyptologist, that is as someone who watches an awful lot of
documentaries about ancient Egypt on various cable channels, I would
like to protest most firmly about this story. There was a REAL god
named Q-tip, I believe, which was actually rather powerful and such.
I only caught half the documentary in question, but the 15 or so
minutes I did catch led me to believe that the portrayal of Q-tip
was incorrect in this story. I would stake my professional credibility
on this, if I actually had any. - Eric Levine (1995)
"I actually met Q-tip at a convention one time. He was one of those
really sad fan boys who dominated the panels and complained at length
whenever anything contradicted Lair of Zarbi Supremo, what a dumb
ass." - Charles Daniels (2000)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"You all think you're free?? We shouldn't be living in boxes!
We shouldn't be living in squares, and neighborhoods, and with
dogs and cats and 2.4 children! We should all worship his man
The Q-tip! That dude would set us up in giant pyramids where
we could focus our MENTAL energies and bring forth the destruction
of the non-believers! Man! Where have you been?"
Tom Baker Speaks!
Yes, this one was called "The Q-tip Invasion". I remember
mostly clearly in fact that at the time we filmed this one
we would go afterwards to this very nice pub called Saint Henry's.
Now what was vitally important about this pub was that we would
get free drinks, because, well I was the Doctor. And people
can not resist giving free drinks to the Doctor. As a poor
fellow I didn't get any free drinks. No in those miserable
days of childhood I would lick the wooden floors of the local
pubs hoping to taste whatever drops of lager had been spilled
by the patrons as I squirmed under the table. I recall
occasionally the patrons would throw moldy cheese in my direction
and I would eat it and be terribly sick for days. Those were
miserably unhappy days of being poor. People always talk
romantically about how happy the poor are. Being poor was a
pain in the ass. So when I was the Doctor I would live like
an emperor and press plebs to the ground and make them lick my
shoes. YES. Yes, I say with a smile. I *DO* like this story."
Rumors & Facts -
Tom Baker was very unhappy about a detail of the set, and had
apparently been so for quite some time. Tom Baker explained at
length that he thought the TARDIS console room was quite too
bright and the Doctor, being a mysterious chap, should travel
in a gothic and extremely DARK room. Whatever thematic excuses
he gave it didn't seem to work. He finally admitted his long
hours of devotion to the local pubs made it incredibly hard
for him to see in the morning in the bright lights and he wanted
the subdued lighting as thus far the console room was so bright
and interfering with his headaches so massively that the console
room appeared to be constantly spinning to him. The directors
loved this as they felt this would make the TARDIS seem like
it was moving!
"I saw him staggering around and I thought 'Wow! That's acting!'
it was only when I got to know him much better that I realised
'Wow! That's Whiskey!'." - David Maloney (1981)
After one unfortunate morning of the filming the original set
suffered over three thousand pounds damage from a severe vomitting
attack suffered by Mr. Baker. A new, very dark, moody, and most
of all non-agitating set had to be constructed hastily.
Also Tom Baker had to agree not to show up to work hung over anymore.
Tom Baker fulfilled this request by staying continuously pissed.
Meanwhile, as we all should know, in 1980 Q-tip did in fact take
over the world and cover it in playing card pyramids. This fact
was covered up by the world's various governments who insisted
it was all the act of a crazed performance artist. The pyramids
were all dismantled over night and Q-tip settled down into a proper
job somewhere in London. The last I heard he works at Bakerloo
Station as a ticket sellsperson. Of course I have heard other reports
that he runs a cult which kills terrified victims in the hopes of
elevating him to his previous level of god-like energy after which
he will consume all humanity in a giant fireball. That sort of thing
isn't all that unusual. I had a friend who worked at Exeter St. Davids
who did pretty much the same thing. Either way it's nice to know he's
settled in to his current life situation and still has goals for the