Planet of Weevil
An alternate Programme Guide by
Eighty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
Serial 4H - Planet Of Weevil -
Answering yet another collect phone call, the Doctor and Sarah
arrive on Zebra Minor, a giant zebra far out on the edge of the
known universe. A zoological expedition from the planet Motherfucker
has run into trouble. Only it's leader, Rob Zombie, is still alive,
all the other crew members killed by blood crazed Oompa Loompas.
A military party from Motherfucker, led by the strange Controller
Zappa, arrives to eat the spare rations left over after the expedition
died. The Doctor and Sarah come under suspicion because everyone
denies it was them who made the collect call, and no one wants to
pay the Doctor back for the charges. Eventually suspicion subsides
after the crazed Oompa Loopas return, attack everyone, and make a series
of prank collect calls to various godlike beings.
Everyone soon realises that this giant Zebra has been caused by
a strange phenomenon (why this wasn't obvious from the beginning only
speaks to the inane stupidity of the universe).
The mega-Zebra is a gateway into a universe of anti-stuff, from
which the chainsaw juggling Oompa Loompas originate.
They all leave the Zebra but Zombie, disregarding the Doctor's
repeated beatings about the face, has taken some anti-stuff on board
in a toffee tin. Zombie turns into an anti-stuff monster, which
seriously stretches the budget of this story. The Doctor insists
they drive back the the Zebra immediately and drop off Zombie.
He is informed that the ship is already drifting back toward the
Zebra anyway, and when asked what he thinks that means, the Doctor
expresses his suspicion that this means they are all incredibly screwed.
The Doctor then becomes certain that death and destruction are assured
when the entire ship will be sucked into anti-stuff, home of the
Oompa-Loompa Holocaust. So, resigned to his fate, the Doctor starts
the complex task of trying to at last solve his Rubik's Cube.
As it turns out the Doctor is entirely wrong. When they reach
the anti-stuff universe it turns out that Zombie can just return
the anti-stuff and calmly explain he's sorry. The Oompa-Loompas
stop their prank calling long enough to cure Rob Zombie and promise
to make amends for their past misdeeds.
The Doctor sees this as a wonderful opportunity to ask for his
money back from the collect call. The Oompa Loompas refuse this
request by biting him on the leg.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who - Oompa Loompa Break Dance Party
Doctor Mysterio El Shortie Short Amigo A Go Go!
Chainsaw Juggling For Beginners By Elroy Stumpy
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed psycho-holic for most of this story
"But the planet Motherfucker is in the Sintasium Gal-lick-see!"
Fashion Victims - Rob Zombie's costume relies heavily on skeleton
gloves, nose rings, and black light collar tattoos
Sarah's amazing dayglo Andy Pandy outfit
Goofs - The TARDIS central column is replaced by a beat machine in
The cameras wobble wildly and to varying degrees depending on
how much alcohol the camera crew consumed in a series of atomic
keg parties before the shooting of each episode.
The resolution to the cliffhanger at the beginning of episode
four makes absolutely no damn sense whatsoever, as the Doctor
and Sarah had already been shot out of the ejaculation tubes at
the end of episode three. Sarah explains this all away by
saying that she used to design Motherfucking starships for a
laugh back at journalism school.
Rob Zombie's glowing eyes are clearly the result of alcohol
poisoning and not trans-kinetic energy as he claims.
The "advanced anti-stuff containment unit" is actually a
toffee tin. I have enough experience in these matters to
clearly and definitively state that you CAN NOT store anti-matter
in a toffee tin, under any circumstances, not even the really
nice toffee tins they sell around Christmas.
Technobabble - "You've reached the point where your tissues are so
monstrously hybridized that the next metabolic change
could transform you into Ozzy Osbourne."
Links and References -
The story directly follows "Terror of the Bygones", Sarah Jane saying
that the Doctor has promised to buy her a new fashion sense in
London five minutes before she lost it at the age of four.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor met Shakespeare once and recounts that even though he was
a great writer, Shakespeare's acting ability was so insulting that
he was forced to fly kick him to the head repeatedly.
Dialogue Disasters -
The Doctor plays Sex Therapist -
"If you don't come now I shall have to leave you."
Dialogue Triumphs -
Rob Zombie: Welcome to the planet Motherfucker!
The Doctor: Here on Zebra Minor is the boundary between existence as
you know it and the cover of a Black Sabbath album, another
universe beyond your understanding but still incredibly
cool to look at under a black light. You might just call
it "funtastic", a word to cover your ignorance, and centuries
ago scientist invented another word for it: "anti-stuff".
And you, by coming here, have totally screwed up!
The Doctor: You and I are scientists, professor. We buy our privilege
to experiment with the fundamental laws of time and space
at the cost of a sex life.
Dialogue Oddities -
The Doctor: The universe of anti-stuff must NOT be tampered with in
anyway, the fate of causality rests on it's continuity.
Tom Baker: I wonder what would happen if I twisted this knob and
invented the colour preenzurple!?
Viewers' Quotes -
"Worst space Zebra - EVER!" - Comic Book Shop Owner (1994)
"Motherfuckian star ship design is for amateurs! Here is MY design for
a fully funcational Borg *SPHERE*, with which one day I shall conquer
the Federation and be admired by all." - The Same Comic Book Guy (1996)
"Oompa Loompas are like little satans in bad clothes. I think that
is what makes them better monsters than the Bygones."
- BBC Viewer Survey (1975)
"Well I was going to follow Sarah Jane's example and design a
Motherfuckin' space ship but kinda' almost have a life, so there
goes that hobby." - Charles Daniels (2000)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Midgets MAN! I love this! Just the other day this little guy came
into my dreams and told me I was the Dream Master 'cause I was TALL!
I'm only about five nine, but that didn't stop me from becoming the
King of the Jellies."
Tom Baker Speaks!
"I was incredibly happy with the height issue. I was very tall
and I think to be a child's hero, you need to have a vertical
advantage. I am not sure what this story was called, I believe
"Doctor Who And The Evil Time Midgets" or some such title. At
the time I was just grateful to be in steady work as I slowly
started working down various bar tabs I had accumulated across
the earth, so far indeed there wasn't a drinking establishment
in all of the galaxy as far as the constellation of Kasterborus
that would allow me past the doors. Remembering back now I
recall dreaming of owning a hat, a particular hat, it was a white
hat with yellow trim and at the time I thought that hat was very
fashionable. I've never been good at fashion as I was terribly
miserably poor all my life, but that hat was very attractive.
I think I eventually settled for a hat like the one's you give
monkeys who perform on the street for change. Those were the
Rumors & Facts -
Apparently the evil Oompa Loompas were suppose to summon a wicked
beast called the "Wegan Mega-Weevil Of Wheetabix Five", however
the production staff became aware of a massive shortage of egg
cartons and stray dogs in the BBC effects department. Since
most of the monsters featured on Doctor Who relied heavily on
egg cartons and stray rabid dogs for visual completion, this
was disastrous and the scene was entirely cut.
The name of the story was suppose to be changed to "Rob Zombie
Takes Lots of Mind Altering Drugs And Sings In A Stream of
Consciousness Ramble That Eventually Causes A Cat In Devon To Explode".
This very important change was never made because the Doctor Who
team paid per letter of the title and they had already paid 14 pence
for the "Planet of Weevil" graphic. The tragedy of this befell one
Mary Whitehouse who's tabby spontaneously burst into flames as she took
detailed notes on the programme.