The Android Evasion

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Eighty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Spare Parts

Serial 4J - The Android Evasion -

 The TARDIS lands in what appears to be a peaceful English village,
however this is Doctor Who so it's actually an android infested
hell hole of violence and degradation.  The inhabitants of this
strange village, Blewbury, are unfriendly and hostile, responding
like robots to hidden signals.  Of course The Doctor and Sarah Jane
expect this sort of thing from village people and their suspicions
of the otherworldly are not aroused in the slightest.
 Everything seems perfectly normal to the travellers - the landlord
yells at them that the pool table is only for paying customers,
a drunk patron's dog takes their seat, and everyone in the pub
stares with cold dead eyes at the outsiders.  All in all what
one expects in a pub in the village.
  Everything goes terribly wrong when the Doctor politely asks
why the locals are building a giant wickerman in the centre of
town.  Townies with gun-like hands appear from nowhere.  The
Doctor then realizes they are not in Blewbury after all but in
a replica village built on their own planet by the Kraaps, an
alien race bent on the conquest of earth with the aid of androids.
How the Doctor goes from thinking that this is a perfectly ordinary
village to instantly realizing THAT complex storyline is never
really explained.  That must have been one monster of an epiphany!
  The Kraap have apparently discovered a catalogue from earth where
they can mail order their movies direct to their homeworld, Kraaptron
VII.  Little do the humans suspect that has a series of
sub-light zipper ships for intergalactic business transactions.
The Kraap mistake these films for documentaries detailing several
attempted invasions of earth.  Seeing as how nearly every other being
in the universe seems to want this planet so badly, they decide to
make their move for conquest.
  The Doctor and Sarah Jane return to Earth in the Kraap ship
in time to aluminum foil the Kraap invasion.  Some of UNIT's
leaders have already been replaced along with their respective
units...over which they command!   The Doctor reprogrammes an
Android copy of himself to seek the universe for a source to pay
off his colossal phone bill due to RassilonCom immediately.
   Meanwhile the Kraap scientist plan to destroy earth's population
with a super-virus.  Ironically this super virus is so super that
it kills all the Kraap scientists and the entire Kraap race before
they ever reach earth.  This leads the Doctor to comment that at
last an alien menace lived up to it's name.
   The human race is for the moment safe from alien invasion as
all the Kraap forces have been dealt with except for one rogue
4th Doctor android obsessed with collecting money by any means
possible.  Sarah Jane asks the Doctor what they should do about
this android threat to the cosmos and the Doctor says they should
just avoid him and hope he gets the job done.
    This is the last UNIT story for quite some time, but not the
last WANK one!

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Sweet Village Lass Who
                        Molests People Through Hotel Walls

                        Doctor Mysterio El Wicker Manos!

                        Doctor Who Verus Straw Man, An Adventure
                        In Carbonated Beverages

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed eerily coherent for most of this story

Fashion Victims - Sarah Jane's silver Doc Martens.  The villager
                  who graces the camera with his "Born To Disco"

Goofs - The Doctor picks up a branch and slaps Sarah Jane's face
        for no reason.  Maybe they just liked doing this sort of
        A large piece of cardboard appears behind the pod for the
        Doctor to lay on.  Obviously this is just another example
        of Kraap design.
        The Kraap plan has several flawed aspects as the name would
        imply.  The Kraap's indestructible androids have face plates
        which have been attached with blue tack.  Thus whenever an
        android falls over it's face falls off and cracks opens up
        like a pinata. The androids' have complete human memories
        which apparently don't include survival tips like - don't
        drive cars over cliffs, don't try to sleep in the oven,
        and other things most humans pick up on fairly quickly.
        The calendar at the pub only has one date.  Was the landlord
        too cheap to buy a 365 day calendar?  Where can you get a
        one day calendar?

Technobabble - "The Kraaptonic Energy is full of squeegetronic
                subtubers!!  THE KRAAPTONIC ENERGY IS FULL OF
                SQUEEGETRONIC SUBTUBERS!??!  Do you know what
                this means?!  I can use this to scrub the stove!"

Links and References -
When the Doctor recieves a 400 page bill in the galactic mail he
cries out that the abuse against his phone account most stop!
(Full-Frontal In Space, Terror of the Bygones, Planet of Weevil, and
Pyramids Of Cards)

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor briefly rambles about how it's not safe to leave the
pub.  He insists that they MUST stay in the pub at all times for
their safety.  The Doctor mentions a nightmarish episode of his
life in which his friends were all turned inside out by some evil
force in a similar village after deciding to leave a pub.  This
is most likely a totally crap story he made up to guilt everyone
else into offering another round of drinks.

Dialogue Disasters -

Pub Landlord: I will now activate the hospitality circuits.

Dialogue Triumphs -

With insane enthusiasm -
Doctor: Let's try the pub!

The Doctor to a pub droid: "Is that finger a shot glass?"

Doctor: Once upon a time there were three sisters, and they
        lived in the bottom of a treacle well.  Their names
        were Olga, Marsha, and Irena and they would wrestle
        in the treacle for money...Are you listening?  Is
        it okay to tell erotic lesbian stories in here?
Sarah: This is the erotic lesbian stories chat room.
Doctor: Oh excellent!  Anyway, Olga was very interested in
        using the treacle to....

The classic scene with the confused villager whom is approached by
the Doctor:
Doctor: I say good man, could you please explain what is going on
        here?  That is to say would you please intone the general
        theme of the occurrances in this location.  I am in a hurry
        and do not have to time for lengthy explanations.  I need
        something concise, precise, that clearly and without question
        entirely details the situation at hand.  Do you understand
        the level of brevity that I require?  I am not able to stand
        idly by as someone else drones on and on about their own mind
        as this is a time of great importance, and my time is of
        greater importance.  What I require, my good fellow, is an
        efficient dispatch of information in the most timely way as
        is humanly possible.  Look at the time!  You've mistook or
        failed to understand my point entirely!  I must be off now
        immediately to save the entire universe.  Perhaps next time
        you will be more brief and succinct I dare hope?  NO!  I
        have no time for any answer at this point.  Cheerio!

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: I am a Time Lord. I am beyond the temptations of your
            offer.  Taking the earth is just another planet.
            My domain is eternity.

Tom Baker: I am a Time Lord, of course I'd like another round.
           Pint of Tetley's please?

Viewers' Quotes -

"This story left me cold, it didn't have any atmosphere.  No wait,
I'm thinking of the Moon again.  Sorry, I'm always doing that."
                               - Neil Armstrong (1975)

"I must be fair and say that this story was total crap.  This was
the biggest pile of shite I've ever been made to endure!  Jesus
                                  - Father James O'Maley (1975)

"The Kraap were Kraap." - Charles Daniels (2000)

"Oh, I quite liked it actually."  - Arthur Dent (1981)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I am an android duplicate!  I saw this story on my neighbor's tv
as I peered into his house.  His soul was pure and he watched
Doctor Who so I let him live.  As far as androids go I'm pretty
nice.  I'm the nicest android I know."

Tom Baker Speaks!
"MY DREAM!  Oh I love this story, it was called "The Doctor In The
Village Pub Of Death".  If I recall anything at all about this story
it's that they finally listened to me, which was just lovely of them.
This story was filmed entirely in Saint Henry's which was delightful.
I had already taken to passing out on the floor of the pub at nights
so all they had to do was kick me awake in the morning and we could
start filming.  The pub was a good location too, as it had lots of
lovely locals who would wander in and let me improvise dialogue at
them.  The story's strengths are obvious, aren't they?  This is
lovely, it's nice to see Lis in those terribly cute silver boots.
I think, yes, I shall have to get this one on video as well."

Rumors & Facts -

 Remarkably Mr. Baker has got it right.  This story was filmed in
and around Saint Henry's a pub which Tom Baker frequented.  Well
not so much frequented but LIVED in for long stretches of time.
The pub owner cashed in on the free publicity and Tom Baker
faced a parallel dilemma to his fictional counterpart.  The
vast bar tab he had so effortlessly accumulated was far more
steep and dangerous than even the phone bill he dodged paying
on a weekly basis.
   I personally explain Tom Baker's heightened accuracy for this
story squarely on the theory that because it involves a pub he
remembers it.