The Brain of Moby

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Eighty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Paradise By The Dashboard Light!

Serial 4K - The Brain of Moby -

 The TARDIS lands on Korn, a surprisingly bleak, stormy, and
uninteresting world.  The Doctor is outraged, he has has heard
the ancient legends of time which tell of how notorious criminals,
carelessly tapping into the almighty telephone system of Rassilon,
were banished to Korn for all eternity.  The Doctor yells at
no one in particular, screaming about how he won't be a plaything
of the time lords.  Instead, in crazed rebellion, he commits himself
to sitting in a corner and dialing lots of expensive phone sex services,
charging them all to his ever increasing account debt.
 The Doctor is however a hero, and as such he stupidly gets involved
with every random psychopath he comes across.  First he discovers
Solong, a disreputable galactic plastic surgeon.  Then the Doctor
happens upon the quasi-lesbian Sisterhood, the guardians of the
Sacred Flame.  The Doctor knows of the sacred flame as the source
of an obscure immortality drug used by the Sisters and the Time Lords.
He discovers the Sacred Flame is none other than John Inman of "Are
You Being Served?" fame.   It seems that John Inman can produce something
euphemistically called 'The Elixir of Life'.  The Doctor is horrified
and disgusted when he discovers the secret source for the substance.
The old flame is dying, and the High Priestess, Karen, believes the
Doctor is a spy agent sent by the time lords to steal the last few
remaining drops of John Inman.  The Doctor pleads with her that he
has no interest in John Inman's life or death, yet oddly no one
is prepared to believe him.
 Meanwhile, the Doctor discovers that Solong is concealing the still
living mind of Moby.  An incredibly famous singer and performer from
the year 2000.  When Moby toured Gallifrey it inspired an irresponsible
rash of calls to earth which have never been paid off and from which
the Gallifreyian economy has never truly recovered.  With the insanely
loyal fan base of thousands of god-like temporal aliens Moby became
a cosmic villain and honourary Time Lord Second Class.  Moby was suppose
to have been killed eons ago, but he was REALLY SUPER Evil and super
evil people never die, they just come back in sillier clothes.
  Solong is near completion of a new strange alien body for Moby.
However Moby demands the "head" of a time lord.  This demand seems
easy enough but Solong discovers the Sisterhood about to kill the Doctor.
Solong begs the Sisters to leave The Doctor's naughty bits intact.  Moby
has some delusional theory that EVERY part of a time lord can be used
13 times before it dies out.  Solong believes that with the Doctor's
anatomy Moby can return to the concert circuit and take worlds one
by one in a musical invasion of the Galaxy.  In a scene reminiscent
of the Rocky Horror Picture Show, Solong and the glowing brain of Moby
have a smashing musical number "I've Got A Head For This Kind of
  The Doctor and Sarah Jane arrive in the castle singing "I've Grown
Accustomed To Your Face" and have to confront Moby and Solong head on
in a fierce combat of closed harmony.
  At the end of a rousing rendition of "Glowing Brains Ain't So Bad",
Solong's metal hook handed assistant, Meatloaf, busts out of a meat
locker, sings about how he needs some good lovin' from Sarah Jane,
and is then chainsawed into tiny bits by the entire cast.
  Moby then challenges the Doctor to a mind wrestling contest.
Their painful literal meeting of the minds very nearly kills the Doctor
who defeats Moby by only the narrowest of narrow margins.  At the death
of Moby, The Doctor, Sarah, and Solong sing a last, sad, tear jerking
version of "Uncle Boogly Don't Come 'Round Here No More".
  The Sisterhood is convinced of the Doctor's good faith after he cheers
up John Inman by offering the body of Moby for a bit of fun.  The Flame
is restored to his former brilliance.   Unfortunately for the Doctor
some of John Inman's elixir is needed to restore his health from
the mind challenge.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who The Moby Musical
                        Doctor Mysterio Loco Baldy Undeado
                        Doctor Who - The Song Book Of Rassilon

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed soprano for most of this story
         Solong: There will be severe pain.  Then there would
                 be sear...seear...shears!  No one knows where
                 the shears come from, but they cause shearizures."

Fashion Victims - John Inman's silly costume as he stars as
                  the 'sacred flame'

Goofs - Wait, the Sisterhood is a civilization as advanced as
        time lords and they don't know what a match is?
        The scene mentioned in links and references should have
        been edited out.

Technobabble - "Mobytronic energy has been outlawed by the
                Council of Time!"

Links and References -
This story directly follows The Android Evasion - the Doctor
asks Sarah Jane "Wasn't it weird to see Nicholas in the pub
so often?  The Brigadier wasn't in that story.  I guess he
was just stopping in for a pint!"

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions that he once tried to kill Moby in the year
2000.  When asked if this was to stop him fulfilling his destiny
as an evil dictator over time and space he replies "No, but there's
a good excuse!"

Dialogue Disasters -

Moby sings about his tortured soul as a brain -
Moby: OH LORDY! I am so bored.  Woke up this morning, I was
      so bored, later this evening, I was still bored.  Oh
      Lordy, troubles so hard, everyone knows why I'm so bored.
      I'm just a brain in a big jar.  Oh Lordy, bored in a jar,
      everyone knows I'm bored in this jar.......

The Doctor ordering at the only take away on Korn -
Doctor: One order of Chop Suey, the Galactic Emperor!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: I thought I recognised the stars.
Sarah: You've been here before?
Doctor: Well the Loch Ness Monster and I used to go cruisin'
        for chicks in these parts.
Sarah: Near here?
Doctor: Well, within a couple billion miles, yes.

The Doctor, utterly disgusted by the sight before him -
Doctor: The impossible dream of a thousand alchemists, dripping
        out of John Inman like that...I'm going to vomit any

The lack of Prozac on Korn is made all to obvious by -
Moby: I am still here.  I can see nothing, feel nothing, touch
      nothing, molest nothing.  You have locked me into hell
      for an eternity.  Trapped like a sponge beneath the sea.
      Yet even a sponge doesn't suck as much as I do!  Can you
      understand a thousandth of my agony?  Even if you aren't
      good at decimals, that's not much.  I, who once sang
      incomprehensible jibberish on MTV to millions, reduced
      to this - to the condition where I envy a vegetable.
      Oh good lord I'm pathetic!! DAMN I suck!! WHY!?!?!?
      WHY!?!?  If I weren't a brain I'd cry.  God I'm fucking

The classic sex scene between the Doctor and Sarah Jane:
Sarah: I gotta know right now!  Do you love me?  Will you love
       me forever?  Do you need me?  Will you never leave me?
       Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?  Will
       you take me away will you make me your wife?  I gotta
       know right now before we go any further - Do you love
       me?  And Will You Love Me Forever?
Doctor: Let me sleep on it!  Baby Baby Let me sleep on it,
        I'll give you an answer in the morning.
Sarah: Will you love me forever?
Doctor: Let me sleep on it!
Sarah: Will you love me forever?!?!?
Doctor: I couldn't take it any longer, Time Lord I was crazed,
        And when I feeling came upon me like a tidal wave I start
        swearing to Omigod and on the Other's grave that I would
        love you to the end of time!
        So now I'm praying for the end of time to hurry up and
        arrive.  'Cause if I gotta spend another minute with
        you I don't think that I can really survive.  I'll
        never break my promise or forget my vow but Omigod
        only knows what I can do right now.  I'm praying for
        the end of time it's all that I can do. Praying for
        the end of time so I can end my time with you!

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: Moby, your name is still whispered in terror, could
            you be here, alive?

Tom Baker: Sarah, why do think brains always glow green?
           Is there someone associated with this show who
           likes the monsters to be green?

Viewers' Quotes -

"I must say it was a great disappointment to see Solong killed.
I would have liked it more if he killed the Doctor and the show
was just about him."    - I.M Krazee (1979)

"I hate it when stories are THIS bad!  Glowin' Brains my arse!
I feel that stories like this are just dickin' me.  A total
insult.  I mean it!   DON'T.DICK.WITH.ME!"
                                 - Father James O'Maley (1976)

"I thought it was wonderful!  We could do with a few more stories
like this - give the Doctor some really snazzy dance numbers as
he fights off human-like adversaries with an evil singing voice of
their own!  I don't like bloodthirsty creatures who want to conquer
planets just for the fun of it, because they rarely sing about
their plans as they rip people limb from limb."  - Jim Steinman (1978)

"Solong to Solong." - Charles Daniels (2000)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I want someone to save me as a glowing brain.  The glowing brains
always get the good parts,  They get to fly around and attack people.
Man if I was a flying brain after I died that would be amazing.
WAIT?!  My therapist said be pro-active!  Why should I wait to
die?  I'll just yank the bastard out right now!"

Tom Baker Speaks!
"The Mind of Moby!  It's been so terribly long since I've seen
that story.  Isn't Lis so cute there as she slaps me away and
demands an answer?  I say, this must have been very challenging
to sing.  I think what I remember most was the actor who played
Solong had this small thermal nuclear device he would bring
along.  I can't say I totally recall the entire incident, but
I recall being terribly excited and on the last day of filming
I asked him if we couldn't play catch, or cricket, or some
such game with it.  Whatever the game was it ended in disaster.
I didn't realise how unstable nuclear devices were I'm afraid."

Rumors & Facts -
 The Brain Of Moby was originally inspired when producer Philip
Pinchcliffe decided he wanted to do a story which realistically
portrayed the relationship between man and inflatable woman,
something which he mistakenly believed to had never been attempted
in Doctor Who.  Pinchcliffe, believing this idea to be essentially crap,
passed this notion along to script editor Sherlock Holmes, who in turn
was so revolted that he contacted his predecessor, Terrance Dicks.
Most sensible people would have thrown away such a bad idea, but Dicks
saw the opportunity to recycle previous material, so the project went
 Dicks had most recently written Gobot (which treated the subject rather
more comically than Pinchcliffe intended, the character of the rubber
women didn't stretch far enough for his tastes).  Holmes suggested Dicks
also draw upon the surrealist hippie stage production 'Frankenstein's
One Alright Guy' by Dave Cosmo, specifically the "incredibly groovy drug
crazed man-makes-the incredibly groovy drug crazed monster" theme, in
developing what came to be called The Brain Of Moby.
  Dicks added further concepts from his Doctor Who stage play,
The Seven Keys To My Pants.
  Dicks' story was about galactic super-criminal Moby, who crashlands on
planet Korn while fleeing his enemies. Moby survives but his body is all
but decimated. His robotic gay lover, Pimpbot, sets about cobbling Moby
together a new body by inviting several contestants from Scrapheap
Challenge to design and build a fully functional new body within 10 hours.
  In essence Dicks basically changed three words in the script and
turned it into the BBC to get paid for it all over again.  Dicks turned
in his scripts just prior to going on holiday and could not be contacted.
This was a meticulously planned occurrence, for once Dicks could not be
contacted to be told at length what a cheap bastard he was at ripping
off previous material and how miserably unacceptable it was.
  In his absence, Pinchcliffe determined that a robot was beyond the
budget of the programme.  Why this took him so long to realise is somewhat
confusing.  Going over the budget for season 13 I am amazed that the paper
needed to write the scripts on didn't exceed their monetary limitations.
  It was on this excuse, a lack of budget, that Holmes was asked to
rewrite The Brain Of Moby.  The reality that the original script was
about as thrilling as long term whippit abuse apparently had nothing to
do with it. Because the entire story was constructed around a robotic
pimp, Holmes was forced to fundamentally alter the serial, by replacing
Pimpbot with the mad scientist Solong and his assistant Meatloaf. Upon
returning from vacation, Dicks was appalled by the modifications.  Dick
felt that this story now deviated too much from the eighty-two times he
had previously sold it to various science fiction radio and television
series.  Dicks was profoundly worried that others would use this as an
example against him and expect him to come up with new ideas.
Dicks begged for three days and nights to have his name removed from the
finished product.  Consequently, the adventure was credited to "Robin
Bland" -- inspired by Holmes' estimation of Dick's writing style.
 Serial 4K was unusual in that it was made without any filming whatsoever.
In fact anyone who claims to have seen it ever is a complete and utter
bastard and liar.  The BBC forgot to load the cameras.

 One addition Holmes made to Dicks' scripts was the inclusion of the
"mind battle" between the Doctor and Moby, a scene which continues to
piss off fan boys to this day.  In the scene in question, images of the
Time Lords' past incarnations flash up on the screen as they duel. This
includes a painted rendition of Moby naked, a picture of the Fourth Doctor
taken at the pub the night before, the Third Doctor in an evening gown,
the Second Doctor with a penguin of his head, the First Doctor reading
'Monkey Spank Magazine', and eight other individuals all wearing copious
amounts of make up. It was the intent of Pinchcliffe and Holmes that these
eight faces represent previously-unseen incarnations of the Doctor before
Hartnell's, although this makes no damn sense.  I think they should be

Pinchcliffe had originally hoped to secure, threathen, then force
celebrities to play these "past Doctors", but this did not pan out.
The faces used were of Adolf Hitler, Genghis Khan, Napoleon, Mao Tse Tung,
Alexander The Great, Louis the XIV, Henry VIII and Mary Whitehouse.
However, this decision incurred the wrath of Equity, the actors' union,
because of the use of non-Equity members for the scene.  The BBC
broadcasted a special apology to Hitler, Genghis, Napoleon, Mao,
Alexander, Louis, Henry, and Mary Whitehose as restitution.
The BBC were further surprised when this caused several thousand
global agencies, groups, and associations to demand that the
BBC apologise for apologising to Ms. Whitehouse.