The Seeds of Bloom

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Eighty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Green Thumbs

Serial 4L - The Seeds of Bloom -

 Deep in the permafrost of ice cream freezer trunk in a London based
7-11, two guys with long hair, Seymour and Steve, discover two strange
alien space pods. Believing the pods to be the source for some sort of
intergalactic super opium they take them back to their condemned flat
and start growing the pods in their closet.
 That night they hold a hardcore keg party, to which the Doctor
is invited.  The Doctor downs several bottles of Vodka within
moments of arriving and by the end of the night has to find
somewhere to be sick.  In a hurried rush he thrusts his head inside
of a nearby closet and pukes his twin stomachs out.  After he
clears his head a little he notices two already growing plants.
The Doctor, having taken an exo-biology class which allows him
to identify a wide variety of herbal fun time plants, declares
that these are Krynoids, an species of plant hostile to all animal
life.  One of the plants opens and eats Audrey, this really bitchin'
chick at the party who brought some jaffa cakes, the plant is named
after her in her honour.
 Meanwhile, Harrison Chase, a rich, eccentric, and terribly unsuccessful
botanist sends two scousers to steal the plants.  Mr. Chase has a
notorious gardener's "black thumb of death" and he is looking for
an easy plant to grow to break the ancient curse brought upon him
by unknown forces known only as the Mysterions.  Why Mysterions
would travel through the bleak horrors of the etheral and astral
planes to give one old rich bastard a hard time growing plants is
unknown, but the curse MUST be broken.
 The two scousers, with the combined intelligence of a vegetable,
succeed breaking into the apartment.  The ensuing battle destroys
one plant, but luckily it was the loser plant which didn't have a
name.  The long drawn out fight sequence over Audrey destroys one
taxi cab, two lamps, five television sets, and the apartment itself
which explodes for no reason other than to have a dramatic ending
for the escape.
  At the mansion the second pod begins to eat people and demand
blood.  Chase gives over the scousers, betraying them in a way that
would really only surprise a five year old.  Never trust an evil boss
who likes man eating plants more than his employees.  The plant does
not eat them but instead turns them into curry eating plant men.
Actually the curry eating predates the transformation, but I thought
I had to mention that for plant men they are eating an awful lot of
The two scousers discover however that they have the ability to
turn ordinary household plants against humanity.  While in most
cases this would make them unstoppable super heros, they are still
under the careful watch of Harrison Chase, who's black thumb kills
every plant in the vicinity of his mansion - at least until Audrey
showed up.
  One unfortunate thing for the villains in the Doctor Who universe
is that they invariably build their base of operations within causal
walking distance of UNIT HQ or any other organization which can assure
their defeat and destruction.  The Doctor realising this universal
law thinks long and hard about which agency of the government is
most likely to be of assistance.  Soon the Doctor arrives at the
World Ecology Bureau which is 3 local pubs away from the Chase estate.
The military uses terms in distance of miles and kilometres but the
Doctor can only tell them the distances in pubs.  After navigating
the Doctor's unusual standard of distance measurements, they arrive
at and infiltrate Chase's residence.  It is, however, too late to
stop the demented millionare - or Audrey, the mankind munching marigold.
The world has to depend on the ability of RAF stock footage to bomb
Audrey, now larger than Chase's house, before it germinates.
  In the aftermath of the destruction we see The Doctor and the
military look over the smoldering remains of the once proud estate,
as the two scousers slip by quitely and make a run for Hobb's Lane
Underground Station.  With their powers over the planet kingdom they
have secretly taken on the identities of Mushroom Man and Cactus Bloke.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Versus The Scousers
                        Doctor Mysterio Humungo Planterro Extremo!
                        Saving Grace
                        Doctor Who Discovers Cannabis

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed high as a kite for most of this story

Fashion Victims - Mushroom Man and Cactus Bloke have extremely
                  silly costumes and equipment, all of which
                  involve bad puns "I've hid the recording bugs
                  in the venus flytraps, no one will ever guess
                  they've been planted!

Goofs - Why don't those lovable scousers, Scorby and Dave,
        just shoot the Doctor and the others at the party
        rather than making them play endless rounds of
        scrabble, which they can't even play very well?

Technobabble - "Scrabbletronic energy can be used to convert
               an I into a B if given enough black paint and

Links and References -
Sarah Jane asks why the Doctor grabbed her breasts when
they entered the TARDIS.  He is puzzled and asked which
time she is mentioning "You mean after we defeated Q-tip,
or after the Gobot incident, or when we were evading my android,
or when we escaped the bygones, or when??  You have to be
more precise with these questions."

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions he once played scrabble with God and
was terribly disappointed at his spelling. "Well, it is
a second language for him."

Dialogue Disasters -

Audrey: Feed me Seymour!

The Doctor to a Military Leader -
Doctor: I am not of this earth. I was born on an alien world
        nearly 500,000 pubs away.

Scorby: When it comes to money, Mr Chase got it, and I
        don't.  I want, I want it all, and I want it now.
Doctor: Queen, American Rock Group!

Chase: You know Doctor I could play all day in my green
Doctor: My god man!  What are you doing to that melon?!

Chase on minions: Why am I surrounded by Scousers!?
Scorby: No idea Mr Chase, you gunna finish that Naan bread?

An RAF plans his assault on the Krynoid menace - "Okay chaps,
let's turn it into chop suey!  Chairman Kaga wants this thing
his next theme ingredient."

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: I suppose you could call it a galactic weed.  Though
        it's deadlier than any weed you know.
Steve: Aww man!  This dude is gunna lay at Reefer Madness shit
       on us!
Doctor: Not that sort of weed!  On most planets animals eat
        the vegetation.  On the planet where the Krynoid gets
        established, the vegetation eats animals.
Steve: Aww man!  This dude is trying lay some Triffid shit on
Doctor: I'm not trying to lay any shit whatsoever.
Steve: Aww man!  This dude ain't here to help with the fertilizer!
       What a total jerk!  Seymour, did you invite this plonker?

Doctor: If we don't find that pod before it germinates, it'll be
        the end of everything. Everything, do you understand?
Steve: Aww man!  Now this dude is being fucking apocalyptic
       and shit!  What the fuck is this, Quiet Earth?
Doctor: The end of EVERYTHING!  Even your stash!
Seymour: I think this guy is crazy too, but this is serious.
         we better listen to him.

Harrison Chase: The plants must win.  It will be a new world.
                Silent and beautiful.
Steve: So like some porn movie with a lot a naked women doing
       weird things to plants with no sound?  I don't know,
       that sort of thing works better with an audio track.

The Doctor jumps through a skylight, thumps Scorby and pulls
a gun on Chase.  The millionare dryily asks "What do you do
for an encore?"  "Show tunes!" replies an ecstatic Doctor.

Holding the Doctor, Sarah Jane and others at gunpoint, the two
scousers force them to play endless games of scrabble which
they unfairly bias in their favor and still lose.  For instance
the classic scene when the Doctor makes a move on the triple
word score -
(The Doctor carefully places down his letters 'Q-U-I-Z-Blank Z-I-N-G')
Doctor: Quizzing!  Triple word score PLUS 75 points for using all
        my letters!  That is the most valuable word in Scrabble!
Scorby: (pointing the gun at his nose) What are you trying to pull
Doctor: I don't really need the 75 bonus points if you don't use
        those rules.
Scorby: Now you KNEW with your alien psychic powers that I was
        going to put the word "Dog" there, didn't you?  You're
        just trying to move into my action and take the triple
        word score all for yourself.
Doctor: Well, it was my turn, and it scarcely makes a different
        at this point.
Scorby: What's the suppose to mean?
Doctor: Well right at the moment my score is 789 and yours is..
        12 I believe?
Scorby: HEY!  It's not my fault I can't make a word out of my
        lousy letters 'D-O-G-M-A-T-I-C', I mean what the hell
        can I do with that?
Doctor: I see what you mean.  I was obviously in the wrong.
        I'll just pick up my letters...say what about a game
        of cards?
Scorby: NO!  We're doing the Scrabble until I beat each and
        every one of you all.
Doctor: Oh please I only live 200,000 years!

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: They are in the restaurant.  We'll have to use
            our cunning, we must get in there and out quickly
            without upsetting ANYTHING.

Tom Baker: Whatever you do, don't order off the vegetarian
           menu, that just pisses them off.

Viewers' Quotes -

"This story betrays our existence to the fleshkind.  The
knowledge must be made into oblivion, the oblivion secures
peace, fleshkind must end, all life must be crushed into
the oblivion, their souls and minds sacrificed to the void..
but regardless, the story is actually entertaining."
            - Mysterion Thought Communication (1980)

"It's an intriguing hybrid of lots of other science fiction ideas;
a fascinating example of science fiction in and of itself. The story
has an Earthbound setting, action set-pieces, establishment troubleshooter
Doctor, rampaging monster, a Quatermass plot and big bang finale which
could all fit comfortably into a Pertwee story. What's striking is how
amazing it is. The story's rich characterisations, inventive dialogue,
dark atmosphere, memorable villain and intense portrayal of violence and
emotion. In this story, more than any other, everything came right. And
for some reason the BBC only paid me 4 quid for writing it!"
    - A very assured script writer, Robert Money Stewart, (1978)

"Giant space weed eats people and turns Merseysiders into
Supermen?  Oh god, they really want me to bend over for this
one don't they?"  - Father James O'Maley (1976)

I decided to find Kurt Russell and introduce him to Doctor Who
in my home.  I got him as comfy as possible and started with the
Seeds of Bloom, here is what he had to say -
"I know you like this show a lot, but if it's all the same to
you, I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THIS
FUCKING COUCH!!"   - Kurt, not happy with the accommodations (1999)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I am not a plant superhero.  If you were plant superheroes
you would look inside my mind and take my knowledge all away
now.  So some of you must be human too.  I have to save the
world from the Daleks and the Cybermen, and NOW the Krynoids
too?  Is the life of a Doctor Who fan ever easy?  Don't even
start talking to me about my experiences with!
Where do they get off not taking payment in pounds of flesh?"

Tom Baker Speaks!
"This story featured a villain who liked plants a lot more
than people, and I can sympathize and relate to that as I
have many lovers and friends who have told me that they
would rather spend time with a plant than with me.  I
guess if I was a very good actor I could perhaps one day
be worthy of playing a fruit or a vegetable.  As it goes
for the present, and the past, I seem to have been miserably
type cast as a human being.  I'm not sure if I can blame
Doctor Who for that or not.  I think I must look human to
most people, but not to the children.  They saw me as a truly
am.  I don't like to limit myself to humanity.  Time Lords do
it in all dimensions."

Rumors & Facts -

The Seeds of Bloom is an odd story as it is one in which
the Doctor, aside from showing up to this incredibly cool
party, identifying the alien menace, explaining their
biology and how to grow them better, thereby precipitating
the major crisis, plays no significant part in the unfolding of
events or in their resolution. The plot would still hold up if
he and Sarah were not in it at all.  They are in essence useless.
I don't even see why we should care if they live or die in this
story.  In fact it would be better if THEY were the ones who
were viciously eaten and devoured by the plants.   Sorry, that
was a bit overboard....the worthless bastards.

Writer Robert Money Stewart consciously ripped off the story
from various other sources.  The two-part segment set in the
7-11 and condemned flat are oddly reminiscent of both The Thing
>From Another World and Clerks.  This is followed by a four-part
segment which is obviously just Day of the Triffids meets Lock, Stock,
And Two Smoking Barrels.  This surreal and drug induced mixture of
films works extremely well. The initial segment draws copious amounts
of dialogue from the 1969 WET/Nasty horror sex film The Trick from
Another World, in which a space prostitute is found buried in Arctic ice
and subsequently goes on a sexual rampage, and is equally gripping.

There is some disagreement amongst the terminally sad as to whether or
not The Seeds Of Bloom began life as a four- or six-episode serial.
Why people actually give a crap about this has never been explained to my
satisfaction so I'm not going to waste any of my spare time researching
this question.  There are a group of loonies who believe that this guide
should go into great detail as to how the stories evolved, how the actors
approached the stories, what the actors thought about the story after
completion compared to their original opinions, what the actors ate for
lunch that day, and in which ways the actors and actresses involved
would most like a fan to approach them for sex.  These are all issues
which are completely out of the scope of the guide, except of course
for the very last question which I would definitely appreciate answers

The making of The Seeds Of Bloom was hit by numerous mishaps, illnesses,
injuries, and law suits. The original designer was John Bear, but
ironically he was eaten by a pack of mad grizzlies on a fishing holiday.
The bits of Mr. Bear which still existed in an undigested form were not
available for further employment so he was replaced by Thrumbar Streak
who unfortunately was a drummer for Spinal Tap - he died mysteriously
after smoking some of the Krynoid props. Kenneth Gilbert contracted a
social disease from either a street walker or Tom Baker, the records on
this aren't incredibly clear.  During studio recording, the TARDIS
exterior prop -- still the original from Doctor Who's debut season
in 1963 -- collapsed on Elisabeth Sladen; the decision was made to hold
together the TARDIS with lots of duct tape and hope no one noticed.  A
bout of being viciously killed by unknown entities known only as the
Mysterions also affected many of the cast and crew.

Location recording started on October 30th, at Hamster House in Dorset.
Instead of using film for these sequences, Camfield opted for thin slices
of cheese.  This recording system ended in miserable disaster.  Half
of episode 1 was destroyed when Tom Baker got hungry and mistook the
cheese for part of the catering.  The entire sequence had to be re-shot
on some crusty old gouda which was found on the floor with a footprint
meshed in.

The costumes used for creature were old halloween costumes found in
a rubbish tip, it was on advice from Terrance Dicks that they were
all painted green.

Now for the season 13 wrap up -
Season 14 is really very cool.  I could write about all the wonderful
things that I enjoyed about season 13 but all the other published
materials use this space to point out every little detail of season 14.
Why?  Because none of the other guides have writers who even watched
season 13.  Can you believe some guides can't even get the names right?
I mean how hard is it?  Terror of the Bygones, Planet of Weevil, Pryamids
of Cards, The Android Evasion, the Brain of Moby, and The Seeds of Bloom.
These other guys need to get on the ball!