The Hand of Fuck
An alternate Programme Guide by
Eighty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Hand Jobs
Serial 4N - The Hand Of Fuck -
The TARDIS arrives on the planet earth which has disguised itself
as an alien world through clever placement of quarries. Exploring
this cheap science fiction in-joke Sarah Jane comes into sexual contact
with what appears to be a fossilised human hand. The disembodied hand
which vigorously gropes and squeezes her body in provocative ways
is in fact the last surviving fragment of a Mastrian called
El Molestare Grande, who was blown up in space as a punishment for
attempting to have sex with every single member of his own species.
Molestare's essence lives on in a raspberry-flavored condom gripped
firmly it's palm, which the excited Sarah removes from the hand and
places in her purse. She then takes the hand back to her flat which
has changed dramatically in her absence. When she left her simple
one bedroom, one bath, small patio apartment it was a modest yet
fashionable living space. After she failed to pay countless months
of rent it has been converted into the Nunton nuclear research and
development complex. Sarah is outraged, not only has her comfy
bed been replaced with a cyclotron, but a nuclear facility in the
middle of a London suburb is a somewhat dangerous and foolhardy.
While Sarah attempts to find the remains of her possessions at the
site the hand soaks up the radiation from the reactor core and
regenerates into a complete being. Sarah at first screams in horror
but the scientists at the nuclear complex calmly explain that their
unsafe environment and totally callous disregard for safety standards
often results in things such as the dead rising back to life, aliens
spontaneously regenerating, and bizarre lesbian attraction to curvy
rock creatures. The scientists admit this almost solely to encourage
Sarah Jane to continue her previous sexual interest in the hand.
Molestare Grande, having patterned his new body on Sarah's,
appears to all intents and purposes female, even though a female made of
silicon and granite. After a few long speeches about how liberation
means the freedom to explore new sexual avenues and horizons, Sarah Jane
is convinced to go on a date with the female form of Molestare Grande.
The date seems to go well at first, however the staff of the exclusive
cafe is fried extra crispy by the extreme radiation flowing out of El
Grande. The powerful allure of the personality of the ancient alien
makes Sarah Jane dismiss such minor annoyances as Frenchmen bursting into
flames around them.
After a short time together they discover the Doctor has become
incredibly jealous. Following them around he finally confronts the
couple and suggests that if they are to be together they should at
least return to Mastria where no more waiters need die from the excessive
rads thrown off by El Grande. The Doctor is successful and convinces
El Molestare Grande to attempt to return to Mastria where she might
reclaim her heritage.
Then the shit hits the fan. When they arrive they discover only a dead
planet: the Mastrians are extinct and their race banks were destroyed by
their last King, El Dudeman 2000, in case Molestare Grande should
ever return for a bit of necrophilia. Furious, Molestare transforms,
reconfiguring his body into its true form - looking somewhat like a
giant granite major league football player with a severe thyroid problem.
In his proper form, El Molestare Grande tries to get the Doctor to return
him to Earth so that he might dominate, fornicate, and rule the world
anew. Surprisingly they do not agree to this plan. The Doctor thinks
it is just plain evil and Sarah Jane is upset that her girlfriend has
metamorphed into a giant bastard who wants to cheat on her with 6 billion
A dramatic and completely unexplained light sabre battle ensues between
the Doctor and El Molestare. In the heat of the battle the Doctor lops
off Molestare's hand and he uses his scarf to trip his injured opponent
into a deep crevasse.
Back in the TARDIS the Doctor and Sarah Jane have a lovers' tiff.
Sarah Jane is extremely unhappy with the way the Doctor hypnotizes
her before sex and the various strange tortures she endures afterwards.
During this argument the Doctor receives a summons to return to Gallifrey.
This causes a problem as the Doctor is embarrassed to show up to the
Time Lords with an ape descendant girlfriend. The Doctor explains that
he simply cannot take Sarah home to meet the god-like masters of the
universe. Instead the Doctor endeavours to drop her off at her home.
Sarah Jane tries to talk the Doctor out of ditching her on earth to
no avail and then decides to cover her true feelings by saying that this
will help her move on in her life. Sarah Jane tells the Doctor that she
has a ridiculous dream of playing interspecies tennis. Sarah insists
that her life long dream has been to start a new sport where humans and
dogs play tennis competitively.
Sarah Jane leaves the TARDIS somewhat upset but mixed in with her
possessions is the writhing hand of El Molestare Grande, she muses that
at least she hasn't lost all of sexual partners.
Sarah Jane does show a bit lacking in judgement at the end. First
she continues her sexual relationship with the hand which is what
caused all this trouble in the first place. Also you just don't
bounce tennis rackets on the heads of strange dogs.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Versus The Hand Job
Doctor Mysterio Squeezy Teezy Pleasy!
Sarah Jane: Let's Give Her A Hand
Jerry Springer Episode - "My Girlfriend
Dumped Me For A Mastrian Disembodied Hand
That I Cheated On Her With"
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed handy for most of this story
Fashion Victims - Sarah's clothes make her look 'just like Andy Pandy
Goofs - The Doctor and Sarah seem to be unable to comprehend
clear signs of danger (sirens, explosions, man waving,
the Doctor being choked by a psychotic flying hand, etc.)
Sarah Jane is apparently safe from all nuclear radiation
if she just bundles up really tight under three layers
of cotton blankets.
Technobabble - If the coordinates of Mastria are mis-set the
Doctor claims that symbolic resonance will
occur in the trachoid time crystal, and in that
case he will have to drink lots of liquor to
insure their safety.
The extreme cold of Mastria may have caused
'permanent shrinkage' the Doctor tries to
cure this with his astro-erectifier
The Doctor suggests the hand is kept alive
through 'digital' energy.
Links and References -
When the Doctor hypnotises Sarah she says "That's not fair! Oh fu-"
in reference to Terror of the Bygones and/or The Masque of Zorro.
Sarah says that she will pass on the Doctor's and the hand's love
to the Brigadier.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions that he once had a love affair with a strange
alien hand, and then was distraught to discover that it was actually
one of his own.
Dialogue Disasters -
Looking at the fossil hand -
Unimportant Bit Character #3: You reckon this fella just got a bit
too interested and it fell off, like?
Doctor: You think this little manual affair of yours is safe?
Sarah: Oh, I know it's not as 'armless as it looks..but I'm a big girl.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Molestare: Can this be the form of the creatures who have fornicated
with me and who now seek to tie me down to a relationship?
No matter. I shall play the field. They shall fail to
tie me down as the obliteration has failed. Strange form or
not... Molestare is back on the take!
King Dudeman 2000: So now you are a queen, as was your wish. I salute
you from the dead. Hail Molestare. Queen... of nothing.
You ain't shagging me weirdo!
Sarah Jane Smith: I must be mad. I'm sick of being hot and wet and
hypnotised left, right and centre. I'm sick of
being photographed nude, savaged by bug eyed
monsters, never knowing if I'm coming or going to...
or have been... I want a bath, I want my hair washed,
I just want to feel human again... and, boy, am I sick
of that sonic vibrator. I'm going to pack my goodies
and I'm going home...
Sarah Jane Smith: Don't forget me.
The Doctor: What? Who were you? Oh, Sarah! Yeah....don't you
forget to close the door on the way out. Be a sweetheart!
Do you owe me any money?
Dialogue Oddities -
The Doctor: I will miss her, that lovely little girl. I think, no,
I did love her.
Tom Baker: Crap, fucked that one up. What is it with me and chicks?
Never could hold a relationship past three seasons.
Viewers' Quotes -
"I felt a little lost when Sarah left. She was the only person I
really wanted to shag in Doctor Who, and now she's gone."
- James Wiggle (1976)
"The hand, well I wondering if you could actually buy something
like that. Not necessarily something that is evil and wants to
take over the entire world, but something kind of like how it
was at first, you know?" - Kelly Taylor (Slash Fic Wonderland, 1978)
"The female Molestare's first appearance was impressive enough - a
magnificent creature, all crystalline; purple skin; glowing eyes
darting sideways suspiciously. Oh dear lord why did you make
wanking a sin?!" - Father James O' Maley (1976)
"Lesbian hand jobs with bizarre shape shifting aliens...MAN I LOVE
DOCTOR WHO!" - Charles Daniels (2000)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I'd chop of my hand and bury it in a rock quarry for a million
years if it would get me a date with Sarah Jane Smith. Some ladies
like that sort of thing, it shows them you care."
Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ah, yes Lis' last story. Seeing that again brings back memories.
You know when she walks out like that with all the stuff cradled in
her hands, she's actually stealing all those props. She took them
all home with her, they were quite expensive as I recall. It was such
a difficult and strange time, she had been there before me, and she
was a child's hero too. Now I, the Doctor, was the remaining child's
hero. All alone I would have to face the universe. What occurs to
me now is what a lovely backside she has, just walking away. At
the time I was miserably miserable and not at all in the mood to
notice such things. I am so happy that this vcr has an excellent
frame freeze function. Yes. Indeed, this one too, I must acquire
on video. Also, I must shove this vcr under my jacket and try
to walk away casually after this interview."
Rumors & Facts -
The first episode revolves around the body groping hand. What is it?
Whose is it? And why is Sarah acting so strangely and accepting of it?
The scenes of the possessed Sarah making her way to the Nunton complex
are all the more effective for the use of cheap disco music and red
filter lens to set up a tacky porno atmosphere and make her seem
uncharacteristically aroused and slutty. Elisabeth Sladen does a superb
job here, causing the viewer to scream in frustration that this is
her final story. The brash, aggressive, nazistic Sarah of season eleven
has by this point given way to a far more air heady and kissable
character. Her relationship with the Doctor has become wonderfully
erotic - mellow, even - and the interplay between them ever more
If the depiction of Sarah is one of the high points of The Hand of
Fuck, then that of the female Molestare is the other. From her husky
voice to her remarkable costume, she presents the classic
dilemma of a physically attractive woman who is also deadly and
ruthless. The lesbian thing doesn't hurt either as theme. In fact
these elements have singlehandedly confused and thrilled entire
generations of sad wankers.
At the end of the thirteenth recording block, Sladen announced her
intention to leave Doctor Who two stories into the next season, feeling
that she had done everything she could to Tom Baker, and preferring to go
out with some sense of self-dignity. Originally, her final story was to
have been a pseudo-historical tale by director Douglas Camfield
about aliens with six arms whom spanked earth women for scientific
research. Sarah Jane would have joined as a volunteer at the end
to help in their complex spanking research that would somehow some
day save the cosmos. Camfield's scripts fell through, however, and
this was not entirely to Sladen's disappointment, as she preferred that
Sarah Jane not spend the rest of eternity being spanked by weirdos.
For a replacement, script editor Sherlock Holmes turned to two
Doctor Who veterans who had last written for the show two years earlier
with The Snotaran Expellment. Holmes suggested they write a story which
could cleverly rip off some movie that wouldn't even be released for
the next twenty years. The writers immediately chose a terrible Seth
Green movie from earth's future which no one would care about and which
would allow the BBC a law suit once it was made. Along with this
the writers also stole elements from an obscure porn flick based on
the wildly popular tv show 'The Addams Family' called 'The Thing And I'.
The story was titled The Hand Of Jobs, The Hand Of Grope, and finally
in a move embracing total honesty - The Hand Of Fuck.
Unusually, the BBC decided to go with some accuracy in this story
as far as location. Unfortunately of all the nuclear reactors that
would allow filming they chose the exotic and seemingly safe Chernobyl
complex. Consequently, much of the action of The Hand Of Fuck was set in
and around the nuclear reactor -- an idea that could only sound safe
and sane in the 70s.
After finishing at Chernobyl, production moved to the Thornbury region.
An accident with potentially dangerous consequences occurred during
filming at a quarry in Crowhall, when a member of the crew had a lapse
in judgement and allowed the explosive charges to be set by their cute
pet monkey. The monkey evidently didn't have the proper training and
understanding of pyrotechnics and set the explosions much stronger than
they should have been. The explosion destroyed one of the three
cameras taping the scene; fortunately, this was the camera the BBC
was scheduled to burn anyway as a radical new idea in proactive junkings.
The crazed controller of the BBC at the time developed a theory that
it wasn't the film laying around which was actually causing all this
nasty business of having the junk excess film which couldn't be stored
properly. Instead if he could just destroy the incredibly expensive
studio and location cameras the BBC currently owned than he could solve
the entire problem at it's source. This method proved somewhat
unpopular with those forces in the BBC who saw it as part of the BBC's
duty to supply programming. Eerily this faction may not be large as
most people assume.
A truly disgusting piece of trivia I have uncovered pertains to
the filming on Tuesday, June 20th. June 20th represented the
last day of filming which did not proceed smoothly. During this
entire day the cast and crew were unable to get rid of a fly which
continually buzzed and interrupted shooting, that is until Elisabeth
Sladen swallowed the living fly while reciting dialogue. That is
determination and putting the needs of the many over the needs of
the few! Did Mr. Spock ever swallow a fly for Kirk? That should
have been the ending to Star Trek II and we wouldn't have to sit
through a sequel dedicated to bringing the dead Spock back.
The 20th also brought Elisabeth Sladen's role as Sarah Jane Smith,
the trusty companion of the Doctor, to a close. Sladen and Baker
ignored the unpopular scripted version which had them slapping each
other roughly about the face for 10 minutes over sad closing music.
The actors felt this failed to portray the relationship their characters
had together. Instead Elisabeth and Tom improvised whatever came to
mind at the time, most of which involved Sladen rambling about Wimbledon
for dogs and Tom demanding back the five grotzits he loaned her on
Bambleweenie 12. It was the end of an era.