The Robots With Breasts
An alternate Programme Guide by
Ninety-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
Thanks to Chris Rednour for a musical inspiration
Serial 4R - The Robots With Breasts -
The Doctor and Leela arrive inside of a huge Spiceminer, a
mobile factory which mines a strange mysterious spice from a
desert planet. The Spiceminer has only a few humans, the rest
of the crew being covered in various bits of silly make up jobs
or made to look like giant green floating things in water tanks.
Most surprisingly, considering the budget, the majority of the
crew are robots whom are divided into three classes: Maths, Sciences,
and The Arts, and one supervising HeadMaster SV7000.
Mysteriously a member of the crew is murdered. Not at all
mysteriously the Doctor and Leela become the prime suspects.
Surprisingly they are not actually guilty of the murder.
Unsurprisingly no one believes them or would give a toss
even if they did. Leela discovers that a crew member and a
robot, DD36, are in reality investigators sent around from
a naughty magazine to take questionable pictures of the
Spiceminer's robots. There is an attempt to sabotage the
petty exploitation of the robots but the film, the video,
and the negatives are all saved by the Doctor before the
BBC can burn them. Dos, a member of the crew, is found to
be the fellow who wasn't keen on the robots doing erotic
poses in front of the cameras. Dos is actually named David
Davidson, a scientist who had been raised by robots and thinks
of himself as their over protective older brother.
In order to have some semblance of a plot between various
scenes of robots being photographed in a variety of poses,
David desires the robots to rise up against mankind and so
he programmes them to kill. This is of course entirely against
Asimov's Law of Robotics, so we can clearly see that David is
a very naughty boy. Most people his age settle down to jobs
like chartered accountancy or quantity surveying, however little
Davey chooses genocide in a mad quest for robotic world domination.
What caused this deep seeded insanity? Was it the video games?
The movies? The sex and violence of his super modern society?
Or as the Doctor claims, was David just a fucking loony who
had to die?
None of this is answered in the final scenes in which the
Doctor adds helium to the air changing David's voice. The
robots, having breasts the size of watermelons, and a brain
the size of sunflower seed, no longer recognise him so they
kill him in the same sadistic fashion he'd intended for the
others - mostly involving wax, chains, and tingly sensations.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who - Mr. Roboto of Death
Doctor Mysterio El Bouncy Bouncy Electronica!
Brainless, Braless, and Binary - I
Was A Doctor Who Robot
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed awe struck for most of this story
Fashion Victims - Did the metal casing need to cover
the ENTIRE robot? Oh well.
Goofs - In the future bicycle reflectors are a mark of death
Technobabble - "Great leaping robotrons! Massive mammary
Links and References -
This story seems to follow on almost directly from The Nose
of Evil, the Doctor continuously bragging about what a groovy
evil dictatorial computer he was.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor claims to have seen very similar robots in Paris
in the 21st century, he comments however that these robots
were not assigned scientific work instead had replaced the
main workforce of St. Denis. (Sad Paris Geography Joke for
Dialogue Disasters -
Leela totally out of character when her knife fails to injure
a robot: "Oh! Now you're just showing off! Don't make me cry!"
Chub: There was a sex therapist in Kaldor City once. Specially
programmed, equipped with vibro-digits, subcutaneous stimulators,
Doctor: Well I'm glad it was good for you, but umm..maybe we can
discuss this when my lady friend isn't here? Eh?
Chub: You know what happened, Doc? Its first client wanted treatment
for a stiff--
Doctor: NO REALLY! I'm serious. Now is not a good time for this!
Chub: The sex therapist felt carefully all round, and then suddenly
just twisted his--
Doctor: RIGHT! Well we'll be seeing you later!! Thanks for the
biscuits, we won't be eating them now, but thanks anyway!
DD36: [Explaining a tool used on board the spiceminer] It is a
Laserson probe. It can punch a fist-sized hole through six-inch
armour plate, or take the crystals from a snowflake one by one.
Personally I use it to beat the living crap out of people who
piss me off.
Doctor: Charming, may I offer you some biscuits? We aren't going to
Dialogue Triumphs -
David: I will release more of our brothers from bondage. We
will be irresistible.
Doctor: An irrestible force?
Doctor: It will be futile to resist you?
David: Exactly so.
Doctor: Resistance is futile?
David: Nice slogan!
Doctor: Yeah, I thought you'd say that. You see whenever an evil
likes that slogan, I know I can totally defeat them within
Doctor: You know you're a classic example of the inverse ratio
between the size of the mouth and the size of the br--
oh never mind, women always kick my ass when I say that.
DD36: Please, throw YOUR hands on me.
Dialogue Oddities -
The Doctor: Robot exploitation! Even in the future there are
those who seek to profit from petty sensationalism
rather than go the honest route of artistic expression.
Tom Baker: So, where do I put my hand?
Viewers' Quotes -
"Gleaming chrome and metal, mountains of shining perfection..
oh dear lord where in the Bible EXACTLY does it say wanking
is a sin!??!" - Father James O' Maley (1977)
"There is virtually nothing said in the Bible about wanking.
'Genesis 38:9' can't be applied to wanking. The whole context
is in regard to a man trying to engineer which of his wives will give
birth to the first son and thus the heir. The point is not wasting the
"seed," the point is about cruel control of destiny and degrading of the
wife. The next argument is that wanking is selfish. Well then, so
is eating a chocolate bar. If I eat a chocolate bar and enjoy it, am
I selfish? It gratifies my need for pleasure in food, and that too is
sanctioned by David, Solomon, and others as they describe special feast
type foods which satisfy me. So, that one won't fly either. Hot damn
I'm on roll! Now there are many things the Bible does not mention, but
we know that they are sin by other contexts - things like smoking and
drug abuse and Elvis Presley thrusting his pelvis. Well, masturbation
was not some late thing to come along which Bible writers did not know
about. God gave council on much to do with sexual things, and God
made it very clear which big five things were sin or forbidden:
Adultery, Fornication, Sodomy, grabbing a man's testicles during a
fight, thank thee for that one lord! And finally having sex with an
animal. I can't just assume it into the sin category when God made NO
comment at all on the subject! Good lord! I'm in the green!! Thank
heavens! Robots With Breasts, HERE I COME!"
- Father James O'Maley (Later The Next Day)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"This story is silly. You don't have to dress up like a robot to kill
Tom Baker Speaks!
"Is the research done by Father James O'Maley valid? Oh dear.
I'm going to have to get this one on video as well! You know I used
to be monk, I was in a monastery. Apparently that makes many people
think I'm a bit of a loony. Oh yes, well that and the fact that my
recent hobbies include dressing up like a giant chicken and chasing
cars on the motorway. Still, I must remain limber and fit. I can't
possibly tell you how important it is to be in exercise. I try to
run a good five or ten miles a day away from the police."
Rumors & Facts -
The Robots With Breasts is another in a succession of high quality
bustlines..umm storylines! Excellent re-writing, superb directions,
great performance and wonderful design work combine to make it a true
classic. However don't just take my word for it -
'Chris Butcher's script was magnificent,' wrote Chris Butcher in Oracle
Volume 2 Number 8, dated May 1979, 'containing something fantastic with
which virtually everyone can identify - namely a petrifying fear of
robots with knockers. This phobia was personified in the sleek and
lethal robots with giant breasts! The thought of a lady droid clamping
its vice-like digits around me and moving up and down with mechanical
certainty never ceases to arouse and of course terrify me. The pulsing
heat that..." - The rest of this quote stricken as too disgusting even
for this programme guide. First time that's happened, let's not make
a habit of it eh?
The Spiceminer clearly owes a debt of plagarism to Frank Herbert's Dune,
and another source often cited for the story is Agatha Christie's
'Kill Them All Dead Like The Little Bastards They Are', which actually
wasn't written by "Agatha Christie" but by "Aggatha Kristie" a notorious
psychopath and photo journalist. In 'Kill Them All Dead Like The Little
Bastards They Are' a group of people are trapped in an enclosed
environment and then killed off one by one by an unknown murderer. At
the end of the book no one is at all surprised to learn the murderer was
in fact 'Mr. Killthemalldeadlikethelittlebastardstheyare', in fact I
figured that out on the first page of the novel when he invites them to
join him in the room and starts to viciously assault them with a
The robots themselves recall the stories of Isaac Asimov and make
for a very effective threat when reprogrammed with a slight variation
of his famous First Law of Robotics:
'A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction,
allow a human being to come to harm, unless the human being
is wearing polyester pants, in which case put the sad fucker
out of his misery'.
Also in this story we see Robophobia, an irrational fear of robots,
referred to as 'Grimwade's syndrome'. This was a reference to
production assistant Peter Grimwade who had become increasingly paranoid
due to the fact that the stories on which he was assigned to work almost
always involved robots which never cared for his pants.
Scriptwriter Chris Butcher had impressed the Doctor Who production team
with The Nose Of Evil, his first Doctor Who serial. Producer Philip
Pinchcliffe and script editor Sherlock Holmes had elected to keep a
character introduced in that story, Leela. They didn't want to
have to figure out the character for themselves so they let Butcher
write the next one too. Holmes suggested that Butcher write an isolated,
murder-mystery adventure. On September 29th, 1976, The Store Next To
My Apartment Where There Was A Murder was submitted by Butcher.
Sherlock immediately sent the script back to Butcher with a copy
of Dune and the aforementioned Aggatha Kristie novel and brief
description of how to plagarise material without getting caught.
Only days later Butcher completed a new script named
Murder On The Dune Express. Holmes made some suggestions about
changing names of characters and paraphrasing dialogue, and finally
The Robots With Breasts was finished.