The Indivisible Enemy

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Ninety-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Ribosomes

Serial 4T - The Indivisible Enemy -

 The TARDIS is infiltrated by a strange being known only as "Smarmy Git".
Smarmy Git a space-borne intelligence that wishes to spread itself across
whatever women will allow it to - and the Doctor is infected by its
smarminess.  On the whole this proves to be a rather slow Saturday
afternoon for the time lord and makes bugger all difference to his
normal attitude.
 The TARDIS soon materialises on TITan, a cheap strip club on one of the
moons of Saturn.  At this paricular strip club all of the human patrons
have also been taken over.  Deciding not to break up a perfectly nice
relaxing Saturday evening orgy, the TARDIS crew decide to casually
join in.  The Doctor sleeps with a variety of suspicious looking ladies
and eventually collapses as a result of an embarrassing infection.
 Luckily before losing consciousness the Doctor quickly relays to Leela
the coordinates of a free clinic in San Francisco which he regularly
  At the Bi-Al Foundation, based inside of the house of the infamous
Bi-Al himself in the notorious Haight-Ashbury district, Bi-Al decides
to clone the two time travellers for his own purposes.  During an
entirely disturbing experiment Bi-Al miniaturises the clones using
a relative dimensional stabiliser he made from three cans of baked beans
and an old dragster engine.
 Bi-Al goes to all new levels of fetishistic amusement when he
injects the tiny clones into the Doctor's body in the hope that they
can find and destroy the last hint of the Doctor's sanity.
 The plan backfires as the Smarmy Git escapes from the Doctor.
Smarmy Git is finally enlarged and allowed to carouse in the real world
without the need of a host in a tastless scarf.  Smarmy Git hitches a
ride back to TITan, which is quite a feat as that clocks in at a good
700 million miles.  We can only assume that '73 Gremlins get great
mileage in the cold void of outerspace.
 Once at TITan, Smarmy Git commands that special breeding tanks be built
for him.  To his surprise however TITan already has exactly these kinds
of breeding tanks due to popular demand.
 The Doctor, now cured of Smarmy Git's influence, enlists the help of K9,
Bi-Al's pathetic attempt to build a machine to outdo Sony's Aibo in
the emerging dog-shaped robot computer industry.
 The Smarmy Git is currently cell dividing at an alarming rate, yet
no one seems to notice his right and left sides constant bickering.
The Doctor walks into the situation and after sharing a few choice
words with the Smarmy Git/Gits blob he decides not to let diplomacy ruin
a good holocaust.
 Working with K9 the Doctor sets a booby-trap that results in
the breeding tanks being blown up, Smarmy Git being blown into pieces,
the TITan strip club being blown apart, the moon Titan and the planet
Saturn being completely blown into their component molecules, and
the solar system itself resembling an ugly shade of something which
has just been blown up several times.  The Doctor laughs insanely
at this gratuitous development and blows up numerous brown dwarves,
white giants, and pocket universes before calling it an night.
In all it proves to be a rather typical Saturday night.

 The next day Bi-Al gives K9 to the Doctor as a parting gift
explaining that he's already bought a much more powerful computer
called the Commodore 64.

 Meanwhile the clones are entirely forgotten inside of the Doctor's
body where they idle away their days surfing his blood stream and
occasionally playing punch bag with his tonsils.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Time Whores (Canada Only)
                        Doctor Mysterio El Fantastico Voyuer Voyaguers!
                 Just The Two Of Us, Me And I (or) I Was A Doctor Clone

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed arse over elbow for most of this story

Fashion Victims - When possessed by Smarmy Git, Tom Baker is
                  forced to wear an afro wig approximately five
                  feet wide.

Fashion Triumphs - Leela's leather becomes tighter and more sparse
                   under the wicked influences of Smarmy Git

Goofs - As pointed out in a letter to Penthouse, the clones of
        The Doctor and Leela should have been naked when they
        were created.  This is of course entirely accurate and
        has 50% of my total support.
        Bi-Al's operating room is clearly a TV studio - the entire
        place is filled with boom mikes, BBC cameras, and technicians.
        If K9 is Bi-Al's 'best friend' why does he so heartlessly
        give him to the Doctor at the end of the story on the flimsy
        excuse that the cartridge of Space Invaders he just bought
        for the C64 will take up so much of his free time he simply
        won't have time for friends anymore?
        It is obvious that Bi-Al hated K9 all along and was simply
        waiting for the first seriously-infected-time-travelling
        renegade-who-was-desperately-for-company to pawn the robot
        dog upon.

Technobabble - Bi-Al is said to be an expert in social transmitted
               pathological endomorphisms [STDs caused by a geological
               process of rock metamorphosis??!  How does the complex
               changes of sedimentary layers lead to syphilis?
               I desperately need to know this before I spend another
               night with Granite Greta!]

Links and References -
The Doctor mentions that if only they could have stayed a bit longer
at the Lighthouse he might have discovered the secrets to these
adventures across the cosmos - but in a pinch he'll just assume
the evil mass murdering menace which wants to rule the entire universe
is the bad guy.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor talks fondly of the time Bi-Al and he tried to
clone Hitler and the surprisingly hilarity that ensued.
"I never realised he was that short."

Dialogue Disasters -

The Doctor suggests that he star in a story where he helps Jodie
Foster navigate a wormhole and is told by the director off camera that -
"Contact has been made!"

The needlessly horrid -
"The Age of Man Is Over!  The Age of Smarmy Gitness has begun!"

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: 1976 AD! We're still in the time of your ancestors.
Leela: Ancestors?
Doctor: Yes. That was the year of the great Breakout.
Leela: The great what?
Doctor: The video game Breakout designed by Steve Jobs and his
        friend Steve Wozniak.  This is the era when your forefathers
        went leapfrogging across the busy highway streets on their way
        to the other side of the screen. Frogger. Yes.  Why, Atari
        is probably designing the game Asteroids right now!
        New frontiersmen...pioneers... waiting to spread across the
        internet like a tidal wave... or a disease.
Leela: Why "disease"? I thought you liked humanity.
Doctor: Oh I do, I do. Some of my best friends are humans. When
        you get down to it however I also like the French.  So
        my opinion in this matter is entirely irrelevant.

Smarmy: It is the right of every creature across the universe to
        multiply and perpetuate its species through utter rompiness.
        How else does the predator exist?  We are all predators,
        Doctor. We kill... we devour... to live. Survival is all...
        You agree?
Doctor: Oh yes, I do, I do. And on your argument, I have
        a perfect right to dispose of you.
Smarmy: No you don't!
Doctor: Yes I do!  You said it yourself!
Smarmy: I never!
Doctor: Yes you did.  If it's inherently all right to murder in
        the name if survival I can kill you with impunity.
Smarmy: No you can't!
Doctor: Can.
Smarmy: Can't!
Doctor: Why not?  This isn't a real argument this is just
Smarmy: Well if I'm going to argue with you I have to take up
        a contrary position.
Doctor: Yes but that's not the same as...wait a minute!  This is
        shameless!  We've just stolen this whole bit off Monty Python!
Smarmy: It is the right of every television show across the universe
        to rip off Monty Python!
Doctor: No it isn't!  I mean, aren't we likely to get caught?
Smarmy: Did you write the script Doctor?
Doctor: Well, no.
Smarmy: Neither did I!  So it won't be our heads on the chopping block
        will it?
Doctor: Excellent point!  Well in that case, I'd like to register
        a complaint!
Smarmy: Eh?
Doctor: I wish to register a complaint about this parrot which I
        purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Smarmy: I never wanted to be an insane alien rampaging bastard
        you know, I WANTED TO BE....
and so on and SO ON throughout all of episode three

Bi-Al: The radical Kilbracken holograph cloning technique replicates
       from a single cell.  Efficiency of individualisation is not
       completely guaranteed.
Leela: Which means?
Bi-Al: There is no way his HMO is going to cover this.

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: K9 will prove an absolutely inexpendable asset in our

Tom Baker: Why couldn't he have given us the Vic20, or the
           BBC Micro, or that lovely abacus?

Viewers' Quotes -

"I could use a dog with a stunning laser on it's nose. THAT
would put the righteous fear of god in those little bastards
who keep tipping over the cross in my front yard!"
                      - Father James O' Maley (1977)

"Some people have suggested that this serial was a thinly
veiled rip off of the film 'Fantastic Voyage'.  I believe
this charge has been levelled because, well it is!"
                      - Graham Cracker (1980)

"Doctor Who lays claims to what is possibly the best science
fiction story to feature both incredible space afros and mechanical
dog computers.  The cheap knock off blaxploitation film 'Invasion
of the Afronauts' tries very hard to re-tread this territory with
minimal results."  - The Ultimate Movie Guide (1999)

"This was a cheap visual effects show.  If I want humorless
science fiction which is overly dependent on incredibly over
rated special effects I can watch the remastered Red Dwarf."
                              - Charles Daniels (2000)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I wish I was small enough to get inside of people's bodies.
I get the feeling that I'd get to meet a lot more people that
way because they'd never see me coming!  I've been wishing
for so long that they'd all never see me coming.  It's so
hard to have hobbies like mine, people are more alert than
you'd usually give them credit for."

Tom Baker Speaks!
"I recall this is the story where the Doctor, a children's hero,
was pitted against a hefty bag.  The story was at first called
the Invisible Enemy but you can see him, so it's a silly title.
I suggested we call it "Doctor Who Saves The Universe And Does
A Jolly Good Show Of It Too!" however they pointed out that
I continuously suggested that title for every serial.  It shows
how limited they were that they never used it.  They should
have used my keen insights a lot more often I think.  The next
title I recall them using was "The Not Very Dangerous Enemy"
which, I must give them credit, is a much more accurate title
for the piece.  However as a children's hero, I, The Doctor,
must face the most dangerous enemies.  When you are a children's
hero you can pick and choose enemies you see.  It's one of the
perks associated with being the most wonderful entity in the
cosmos.  So finally they changed their minds again and I allowed
it to be called "The Indivisible Enemy" which was accurate for
the first three parts at least...that is to say it works perfectly
until he actually starts dividing.  Other than that, it's flawless.
I doubt anyone but myself even noticed actually.  I always had
an eye for those little character details."

Rumors & Facts -

 After the promising start made in Lighthouse Cutaway, many
viewers would no doubt have entertained hopes that the entire
new run of Doctor Who would simply feature the Doctor and companion
watching episodes of Quatermass.  The audience at the time believed
the quality of Doctor Who would dramatically increase if it just
featured a lot less of this Doctor Who chap and his friends.
Such hopes would have been soundly dashed by The Indivisible Enemy,
which is but one of the stories to feature Tom Baker as the Doctor
during the fourth Doctor's era.  In fact every story featured Tom
Baker as the 4th Doctor during the 4th Doctor era, which, regardless
of how obvious that seems in retrospect was not entirely desired
at the time.

  Doctor Who's fifteenth season began under a cloud, which again
is somewhat obvious as it was filmed in England.  For those who
don't follow world geography, England is part of that island near
Europe where it pisses down rain nearly every day of the year and
whose citizens still believe that 'fine cuisine' should include items
such the chip butty and smoked haddock whipped up into a mush with
potatoes and cheese, then washed down with a refreshing glass of

 Graham Williams had just taken over as producer from Philip
Pinchcliffe, and was immediately confronted with a number of problems.
First he wasn't gay, which was somewhat of a disappointment to various
members of the production staff.  By pure coincidence the newly hired
John Nathan-Turner was gay, and this proved somewhat of a disappointment
the exact same members of the production staff.

 Also, Sir Edmund Chapman instructed Williams to tone down the
science fiction content which had garnered such popularity throughout
the Seventies -- and in particular during Pinchcliffe's time on
the series.  Sir Edmund Chapman instead used all of his energies to
change Doctor Who into a documentary series about naval disasters.
Chapman explained his reasoning that if only people became aware
of the tragedies experienced at sea, they'd be a lot more keen to
take precautions and build more lighthouses.

 Sir Thomas Fondlebottom wanted Williams to make Doctor Who a series
which wasn't concerned with telling stories of any kind.  Sir Thomas
insisted that dramatic action was highly over rated and what British
television needed was more exciting test card patterns.

 Williams thought long and hard about what he should do with his
all consuming power over the future of Doctor Who.  After weighing
all the options, rather than taking sides, he decided he might as
well do something which would piss EVERYONE off.  Williams insisted
the fifteenth season included a robot dog.

 To the horror of all, he wasn't joking.  The robotic dog demand
was put into immediate action and the prop was built in the traditional
materials employed by the BBC (ie: Whatever they could find in LWT's
rubbish tip).  The machine was originally called Pluto but, due to
fears of being sued, beaten, and brutally murdered by the Walt Disney
Company, this was changed to K-9.  Holmes was very fond of K-9 as
it wasn't a demonic hound from hell as he had first feared in his
oh-so-quaint Victorian way.

 Two men, Apple Scones and Pastry Hardening took a hand at conceptualising
K-9. Scones envisaged him as a large creature into which an actor could
fit and maybe even have room to enjoy long drags off of cigarettes.
Williams, however, wanted something less fierce-looking that did
not promote nicotine addiction.  Consequently, it was decided to proceed
with Hardening's small, simple, and incredibly cheap radio-controlled

 Unfortunately, the K-9 prop would quickly drive absolutely everyone
on the show out of their tiny freaking minds.  The prop proved to be a
source of endless frustration and the original model did not survive
three stories before having to be replaced due to being badly battered
from being kicked, thrown, and beaten by everyone involved in any way
with the making of the programme.  The model was entirely destroyed
when a frustrated caterer kicked clean through the chassis during
a particularly nasty sequence.

 It was soon discovered that the remote control device interfered
with the cameras and pacemakers of the actual cameramen, resulting
in visual distortion and the cameraman himself going haywire.
Partly because of this, recording quickly fell badly behind schedule.
The other part was due to Tom Baker's inappropriate usage of a
pastry, and the emergency surgery that was required after the fact.

 Because Williams was now under instructions not to spend any
money whatsoever on Doctor Who, as had often happened under Philip
Pinchcliffe, taking time to complete shots was a luxury which could
no longer be afforded.  As a result, Tom Baker was encouraged
to ad-lib during production, which was actually much more dangerous
and time consuming.

 Also Tom Baker quickly grew frustrated with K-9, often resorting to
increased bouts of kicking, beating, and smashing the prop. Baker
disliked the fact that the robot dog's short height meant that he often
had to stoop down so that they could both be in the same shot.
"Children's heroes DON'T STOOP!" He proclaimed, sadly whilst stooping.

 Fortunately, Baker's agitation with K-9 was somewhat mitigated by his
fast friendship with John Leeson, he immediately took to Lesson when
he offered to buy rounds of drinks for Tom during the recording
sessions.  Leeson was hired to voice K9 because he had done considerable
work in sitcoms and children's programmes, such as Wacky Saddam's Army and
Rainbowtron Colour Factory, and worked as a continuity announcer for
adult videos.
 Leeson, holding true to the lessons he learned working in the
adult entertainment industry, thrust himself eagerly into the role,
physically getting down on all fours during rehearsals.

 The story also saw the introduction of the second new TARDIS console room
in two seasons.  The wooden set designed the previous year had been warped
by on going and repeated vomit attacks by the drunken cast and crew.
Since this more gloomy set was just as vulnerable, but the wood was
much more prone to absorb liquids, they decided to go back to the high
tech TARDIS look after all.

 One June 10th it was finally decided that K-9 would be a continuing
character on the series.  This was in part to offset the significant
costs of the replacing the expensive prop so frequently during Indivisible
Enemy, since its use in multiple serials better justified the obscene
expenditure. However, all the K-9 props were still in various stages of
damage due to severe beatings, and due to the entire staff of the BBC
threathening more physical harm, K-9 would play only a small role in
the next few following stories.