The Crones of Blood
An alternate Programme Guide by
One Hundred and Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized
Programme Guide O' Liquor
Serial 5C - The Crones of Blood -
The Doctor and Romana track the third bundle of two secret herbs
and spices to an ancient Druidic circle. At first, the Doctor and
Romana deduce that the object of their quest must be buried deep
beneath the ground in the very heart of the mystical monolithic
structures. After close investigation they discover that the
circle is a gateway to a dark dimension of pure evil. After
opening up the nexus point of the rift and exposing the earth
to a universe of Cthulhuoid horror of things that should not be,
the Doctor calmly agrees to take photographs for the local tourists.
It is during this time that the Doctor and Romana realise that
the next segment of ingredients WASN'T trapped deep in the
forbidding gateway of the circle, but instead hidden away inside
of the ice cream truck conveniently located within easy walking
distance for the tourists!
The Doctor and Romana walk up to the van for an ice lolly and
to save the universe as we know it. The ice cream lorry is a
small business run by Professor Emelia Bumford and her 'friend'
Lesbian Gay. The two ladies are typical pepperpots, but the
Doctor instantly realises that Emelia Bumford is actually Graham
Chapman in a shawl.
The Doctor is no dummy, and has begun to deduce that one of the
segments is always represented by a member of the cast of Monty
Python (something the viewing audience realised months ago, but
fictional people always seem to have to be kicked in the head to
learn anything, don't they?)
Just before the Doctor can pull the old "Hit the old crones
with the pokey stick and transform them into chicken ingredients
before they know what's happened" trick, the gateway he opened
has ruptured further and the ice cream selling crones are beginning
to feed upon hapless tourists, sucking their blood out of their
necks after selling them delicious raspberry swirl ice cream.
The Doctor immediately grasps the deeper meaning of this -
that he and Romana are, completely and totally, fucked. The
Doctor is captured by the insane Graham Chapman in drag who
begins to sing demonically of his time trapped in the stone
circle for 4,000 years. Romana captured by Lesbian Gay who
sends her into hyperspace, which looks like a very bad disco
in Hungary. The Doctor is taken into hyperspace as well and
accidentally releases the Nagra, a species of light particles
that nag the hell out of people in cheap tinny mechanical voices.
The Nagra bitch at the Doctor about his choice of wardrobe and
then threaten to kill him -- after spending ten minutes with
the Nagra, this sounds more like a nice change than a punishment
he'd like to avoid.
The Time Lords decide to combine their wills to ignore the
powerful Nagra and poke the evil duo of blood sucking ice cream
vendors until they transform into sugar and dillweed.
Romana urges the Doctor to return to earth and close the
rupture of the dimensions, but the Doctor insists that this
would only delay their important search..and further more, this
adventure has scared the living pants out of him.
This was the 100th story of Doctor Who...there's some trivia
to bore people with down at the pub.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Crones of Blood
Doctor Mysterio El Freezo Ice Creamo El Doom
Evil Dimension Vampire Babes - Summer Edition
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed battered for most of this story
Fashion Victims - Tom Baker in old crone drag - WHY!??!
How does Lesbian Gay control the raspberry mixing machine?
Why would her psychic powers only work over ice cream making
machinery? What use could that be? How do you even DISCOVER
you have a power like that?
Why does the Doctor think that the ingredients are in the
dimensional rift of evil just below the ground in the first
place? Also why is the area so popular with tourists when
there is a sign in the middle of the circle clearly labelled
"Dimensional Rift To Evil Universe - Do Not Open"?
"Oh no! The phosphorus ion count has gone to NEGATIVE!!!"
"What does that mean Doctor?"
"It means it *IS* a freakin' evil dimension!! DAMN SIGNS!
Why Don't I ever Believe THEM!!?!?"
Links and References -
The Doctor reflects that all of his previous companions
were never "chewy" enough for his tastes -- whatever
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has met Einstein and reportedly kicked him in
the groin for winning a physics bet.
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: Fudge banana ripple, the best flavor in the universe.
Romana: You said that about the Raspberry Chocolate Cheesecake.
Doctor: Oh yes, that's the best too. But you know what I like?
Doctor: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Banana Ice Cream, the best
flavor in the universe.
Romana: Are you going to say about about every flavor?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Lesbian Gay: [Speaking of Professor Bumford's ownership of a police
truncheon] Last year, when she was lecturing in New York
about Ice Cream ions in a neutral base, she took it with
her in case of muggings.
Romana: And did she get mugged?
Lesbian Gay: No, but she brought back fifteen hundred quid, she's
quite the thug.
Romana: But I still don't understand how a dark dimension can
turn sensible ice cream vendors into blood drinking
Doctor: Well, who does?
K9: I do.
Doctor: Shut up, K9!
Professor Bumford: Are you from outer space?
The Doctor: No. I've just come around from the pub.
Dialogue Oddities -
The Doctor: We must take the utmost care, or else we shall find
ourselves dabbling in dark magic beyond our mortal
ability to understand.
Tom Baker: Where did you put the pint of goat's blood? I want
to crack open this dimension like a walnut.
Viewers' Quotes -
"Why did they have to be transvestites?! Why couldn't they
be proper lesbians, like in my favorite Super 8 Film 'Sistas
Of Satan'?! Jesus! What a waste!" - Father James O' Maley (1978)
"The plot was great, and although I was wary of an uninitiated
author writing this centenary serial, my fears were quite unfounded...
David Fisher rose magnificently to the occasion and turned in a very
creditable story. This was very much a story of many facets, and from
witchcraft and Druids we went on to the great contrast of blood drinking
ice cream vampires and gleaming disco sophistication in hyperspace... I
suppose this was my favourite aspect of the show - it never made any
sense whatsoever!" - Chris Drunk (1979)
"This was the 100th story...which means Doctor Who is 99%
quality, because this one, was crap." - A CSU Math Professor (1984)
"I am FREE!! FREE!! FREE!! Free to eat all the ice cream in
the universe!" - Cthulhu (1978)
"..And why is it these damn vampires have to always go around
sucking and drinking blood? Why can't they suck and drink..
you know...something else?" - Father James O' Maley (1978)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"Sure, the Doctor opens a gateway to evil and he gets blood-sucking
ice-cream-selling vampiric lesbians! I force open an entire damn
temple to the dark god Aztark in the basement and I just get time
in county jail and have to pay $5000 property damage. Damn ancient
god Aztark! That's the last time I waste a corpse in his honor!"
Tom Baker Speaks!
"Freed from hyperspace I gave ice lollies to all the children
of the world! For I was a children's hero!"
- Tom Baker from the record "The Key To Chicken" (1979)
"Ah, yes, this one was called The Ice Cream Dimension. I remember
I had to eat a lot of ice cream during the shooting of this story.
I'm not to keen on ice cream, but I put some irish cream, whiskey,
rum, vodka, and a touch of kahlua on the ice cream and I didn't
mind it so much. Actually quite often I would palm off the ice cream
and just booze it up instead. If you look very closely at..well ANY
of the scenes, if should be obvious that I've got a pint of lager
instead of an actual ice cream cone or ice lolly. Ever been to a
carnival where they have beer flavored milkshakes? Wonderful. They
actually let me lay down with my mouth under the spigot, fabulous.
Are you going to drink that lighter fluid later by any chance?
I'm a bit parched from all this talking."
- Tom Baker exclusive
Rumors & Facts -
Amongst the new writers approached by script editor Marc Antony in
a gay bar, no one would imagine this one would make such a impact.
David Fisher did everything humanly possible to get his story ideas
commissioned. Fisher had worked with producer Graham Williams in the
past, and was a veteran of films such as The Troubleshooters and Dicks
Of Dock Green. He submitted two story ideas to the Doctor Who, entitled
'The Nine Maidens Get It On' and 'The Androids Of Striptron VI'.
Unusually, it was decided to carry both further, starting with The
Nine Maidens Get It On, which had been inspired by Antony's request for
an orgy set around a stone circle. It was felt that this would make an
ideal third story for the season, since they were all incredibly
frustrated and shagged out.
At one point, it was thought that all the Season Sixteen serials
would obey the naming convention The (Something) Of Chicken, and
the title was switched to The Crones Of Chicken. This idea seems
to have been quickly abandoned due to an upcoming script that would
have to be called The Chicken of Chicken.
Location work on The Crones Of Blood was carried out from June 12th
to 15th at Chipping Norton in Oxfordshire. Blake decided to use
Outside Broadcast (OB) videotape equipment rather than film because
he had successfully nicked tons of tape from London Weekend Television,
and didn't want to arouse BBC interest in the serial by actually
spending a penny of the BBC's money on the show.
Antony -- apparently acting on threats by Tom Baker -- asked Fisher
to script a new TARDIS scene which would celebrate Doctor Who's fifteenth
anniversary on November 23rd, five days after the broadcast of episode
four, and which would allow the Doctor to down somewhere around 15 pints
of lager on camera (with a generous allowance of liquor available for
re-takes). This was then expanded by Blake, and involved Romana and K-9
surprising the Doctor with a cake, a new scarf (identical to his old
scarf), and an internal body pump filled with vodka and morphine, in
honour of his 751st birthday. Williams vetoed the idea, however,
believing it to be too eeriely accurate to the actual truth behind the
cameras. Blake had already ordered a special cake for the scene, and this
was eventually consumed by Tom Baker who broke into the locked freezer
where it was stored away. Baker apparently lunged into the cake and
started biting wildly until the BBC had to employ wild dogs to drag him
away from the mesh of cake and icing. Baker later admitted he had been
feeling in a bit of a weird mood and slightly hungry at the time.