Dustiny Of the Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

One Hundred and Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized
Programme Guide O' WTF

Serial 5J - Dustiny Of the Dustbins -

  In the TARDIS, the Doctor has finally struck upon the idea to give
K-9 an electronic lobotomy.  The Doctor gropes K-9's brain and asks
him to cough and say, "I Am A Total Moron," repeatedly for amusement.
After these experiments the Doctor declares that K-9 has laryngitis.
How in the world a robotic dog could contract laryngitis I don't know,
but far be it for me to correct the higher knowledge of Doctor Who, no
matter how blantantly wrong the bastard is.

   The Doctor calls for Romana and is shocked when Lala Ward walks in.
Romana tells the Doctor that she wants to wear Astra's body. The
Doctor mentions that Astra was in fact Carol Cleveland and she can
only wear that body if he's allowed to watch.  Romana explains that
Carol Cleveland's body was simply to expensive for a crap show like
Doctor Who, so we'll all have to pretend that Lala Ward looks a lot
like Carol Cleveland and stretch our imaginations so the BBC won't have
to stretch their budget.

 Budget in mind the Doctor suggests Romana look through cheaper
available bodies first.  Romana returns wearing a short body she likes
but thinks Gary Coleman might actually be more expensive - sadly due
to this decision we lose seasons of "What you talkin' about Doctor?!"
The Doctor tells her to get a longer body and avoid childhood stars
if possible. Romana returns as a sultry exotic woman with a long see
through robe and a studded leather collar. The Doctor gets one
look at her and looks away, pained, closing his eyes, "No thank you,
we'll never get work done that way!" Romana goes back to the rooms
sulking. The Doctor lies, telling her it is what is on the inside
that is important. Almost immediately the Doctor nearly bumps into
the pantomine Princess Margaret!  "Too tall, take it away." He advises.
Eventually the production crew or script editor got bored and Lala
Ward returns in the Doctor's clothing.  "No, you've got it the wrong
way around!" Insists the Doctor "You're not suppose to get into my
clothes, I'M suppose to get OUT of them!"

 After ages of witty Time Lord banter the TARDIS has mercy on the
viewing audience and actually lands somewhere. The planet is full
of rock quaries, riddled with seismic activity and radioactivity
and not very friendly to life as we know it.  The Doctor describes
it as "Charming".

 Before they go out on the planet's surface the Doctor gives Romana
a stash of drugs to sell the locals and a beeper to let him know when
it's time to pick up the money and re-supply her.  When Romana asks
exactly what drugs she's meant to be selling, the Doctor opens up
a bag and exclaims "Ooo, look, rocks!"

 After short jaunt outside to allow the Doctor to examine the corpses
strewn about the surrounding area, the Doctor tells Romana that the
location is safe and they can start business immediately. Romana
spots a flying green, red, and yellow spacecraft. "I'll be damned!
A flying saucer!" the Doctor comments. The Doctor, is not carrying
any issues of Lowrider Space Cruisin' Magazine, and therefore can not
offer additional comment.  The space craft lands and digs it's way
into the planet.  The Doctor reckons that these are tourist and wants
to go and welcome them when all of a sudden the planet starts
exploding in such a precise way as to be very non-threathening to the
Doctor and Romana - but they run like fools into an old ruin anyway.
As the Doctor explains why the ruins are the safest place to be
during these explosions a large pillar falls on him.  Romana laughs
hysterically at the pinned Doctor and runs off for help after taking
a picture to send to all her friends back home.

  Some time passes and the Doctor takes a calm moment to welcome
dreadlocked alien beings in silly jumpsuits who point ray guns at
him. He starts with a diplomatic, "Oh god, please don't kill me!"
The aliens escort the Doctor to their ship -- this is made somewhat
difficult by the Doctor clutching onto their legs thanking them for
his life.  Once inside the ship the Doctor sits on their couch, asks
them annoying questions, and acts as if he's generally in charge of
everything - as usual.  All of the Doctor's friends have noted this
bizarre beahaviour pattern before and I'm not letting him come around
to my house like that!

  It turns out that the planet they are on is known to the aliens
-- the Mo' Lovin' -- as D 5 Gamma Z Alpha. The commander calls the
planet Fargo. This makes the Doctor stand up and hide behind a scanner
table as he meekly asks the captain what the hell he thinks he's doing
on Fargo.

  Inside the TARDIS, Romana recovers and wipes herself off. She feels
a shimmering wall as it vibrates. After several minutes of ecstasy she
feels guilty for leaving the Doctor trapped under a pillar as she
interfered with the TARDIS' Vibro-Erotic Circuits.  As soon as she
leaves the TARDIS however she is captured and cleaned by the Dustbins..
so she was better off inside anyway!

  In the Mo' Lovin' ship, the Doctor continues to scream at the
commander, desperately wanting to know what sort of suicidal idiots
the Mo' Lovin's would have to be to get within a million light years
of Fargo. To the surprise of no one they tell the Doctor that they
are here to go against a force called Dustbins. The Doctor tells
them he knows the Dustbins, and the best way to confront them..is
by running away really fast.

  The Dustbins decide that Romana is not dirty enough to be a threat
to them and they sentence her to cleaning duty - the entire planet
must be tidied.  Romana notices that most of the Dustbins are sitting
around, drinking beer, and logged on constantly to some sort of
computer network.

 The Doctor explains to the Mo' Lovin's that Fargo is the first
and ultimate return address for the Dustbins - but the Dustbins
left Fargo for dead eons ago.  Have they come back after all this
time just to clean it?  To find out the Doctor goes to the very depths
of Fargo and recovers the body of Lavros.

  Lavros mumbles drunkenly to himself about his resurrection. The
Doctor carts Lavros around by his cyberloo and insists that his
digestive system is crying out in agony to be free from the Doctor's
control.  Lavros threathens to kill the Doctor and destroy the entire
Time Lord race -the Doctor tells him to shut up or he will switch him
off. Lavros tells the Doctor that he will be "rectified" and that
new designs and cleaning fluids will once again make the Dustbins
the ultimate cleaning tool in the universe. The Doctor repeatedly
punches Lavros in the jaw as he wonders what is so special about
the Mo' Lovin's that the Dustbins need this loony's help against them.
The Doctor decides that the Dustbins would actually be hurt
significantly if they allowed this nutjob to run the show, so
he leaves Lavros behind as he escapes.

  Luckily on his way back to the Mo' Lovin's space craft he
meets an escaped Romana and one of the Mo' Lovin's.  The Doctor
talks about childhood games of earth and decides to demonstrate
the ancient game of "keep away" by throwing a pack of cigarettes
over the head of Mo' Lovin, which is then thrown back to the Doctor.
This is repeated several times until the Mo' Lovin' makes a robotic
noise and falls down, it's face falling off.  Robots!!  The Doctor
is mysteriously saddened that the Dustbins can't defeat a race of
robots which can be easily killed by a game of keep away!  "Makes
sense I guess, the Dustbins don't have hands..they can't play!"

   The Doctor returns to the Mo' Lovin' space craft and explains
that other than their eerie Keep Away weakness they seem to be
somewhat intelligent and competent.  He demands to know the REAL
story of the events going on here.  The Mo' Lovin's promise to
tell all, after the Doctor teaches them more of these children's games
as possible tactical weapons.  With quick thinking the Doctor teaches
them Rock, Paper, Scissors..another game which could never be played
by the Dustbins.

   Happy to have learned the new game the Mo' Lovin' tell the Doctor
that they and the Dustbins have reached an emotional empass. During
a routine scout expedition one of the Dustbins connected to their
main battle computer, and it's deadly ability was so impressive that
the Dustbin fell deeply in love.  In order to gain counter-intelligence
the Mo' Lovin, a race of rasta reggae lethal attraction robot
assassins, connected to the Dustbin main cleaning computer and were
so impressed that they were immediately smitten.  At first the two
sides thought they might be able to trade the seductive computers,
but that's when they found out that not only to the Mo' Lovin's love
the Dustbin computer, and the Dustbins love the Mo' Lovin' computer,
but that both computers love each other as well!  They tried, at first,
to live in peace with this unusual love triangle, but in the end it
was doomed - no one could decide on who does what chores and paid
what bills.  The chores would have usually gone to the Dustbins,
but they became so obssessed that they enslaved humanoids to do the
tidying while they rejected their nature and stayed connected to
the computer of their dreams.  The Mo' Lovin's also regret that
they just haven't been killing like they used to, since they found
true love.  So obviously, some faction of the Dustbins have sought
out the one being in the universe like them who still gives a crap
about being tidy -- Lavros.

  The Doctor feels a twinge of guilt and disgust.  Guilt because
he has now left Lavros to influence the otherwise lovestruck Dustbins
and disgusted because he is left with the mental image of Dustbin
cybersex.  The Doctor realises that he must go back and confront
Lavros before it is too late.

   When the Doctor arrives he finds the humans have all escaped,
the entire complex is covered in dust and grime, and the Dustbins
are silently connected to the Mo' Lovin' computer in a state of
sexual bliss.  Lavros is left in the centre of the complex crying,
he tells the Doctor that he has failed. The Doctor asks him what it
feels like and gives him a nice warm hug.  Lavros ignores this and
pathetically asks what will happen to him now that he no longer
has a cosmos to tidy and bowels of iron.
   A Lavatory Control Vessel has started out from Earth and will bring
Lavros back to Earth to stand trial for his crimes against the whole
of London (otherwise known in Doctor Who as the whole of the planet
   The Doctor and Romana leave Fargo immediately, and the Doctor
vomits in disgust for the next three days.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Love Machines
                        Doctor Mysterio Roboto Romancerro El Dusty
                        Self-Help: Discover The Inner-Dustbin and Clean
                        With Pride Again

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed gamey for most of this story
         "What the spacking spack are you spacking??  Spack off,
          you spacking spacker!"

Fashion Victims - The Mo' Lovin's reggae vibes and rasta life
                  style is somewhat made tacky by one piece
                  red, green, and gold jumpsuits.

Goofs - Lavros gives up his life work rather too easily and
        conveniently when he witnesses the Dustbin cybersex

Technobabble - The Dustbins have cybersex with the Mo' Lovin'
               Computer via their "high-impact phason drills".
               Sounds painful to me!

Links and References -
The Mo' Lovin's main battle computer is identified as WOTAN 4,
and was reportedly designed by "The Electric Ian Chesterton".

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has attended at an event called "The Big Bang", whether
this refers to the creation of the universe or some futuristic
orgy is left unclear.

Groovy DVD Extras -
The DVD for Dustiny of the Dustbins will include a making of special,
Who's Who, Production Notes, a full season 17 soundtrack, the original
unedited script, several missing scenes, alternative unused closing
credit sequences, a commentary track by Tom Baker and Lala Ward, and
an Explicit Super 8 Honeymoon Film of Tom Baker and Lala Ward...
of course English fans will get nothing.

Dialogue Disasters -

Dustbins: Seek - Locate - Make Others Tidy For Us!

Dustbins: It-Is-il-logi-cal-to-TIDY!  Only-TRUE-LOVE-Has-Mean-ing!

Dialogue Triumphs -

The Doctor comments while reading a book called "Origins Of
Bad Chat Up Lines by Oolon Caluphid" -
The Doctor: "He got it wrong on the first line! Why didn't he
ask the man who invented it!?"

In another book, he reads the conditions on the planet Magla cannot
support life. The Doctor laughs and says -
The Doctor: "What the author doesn't know that Magla is an old pair of
my underwear that I threw out of the TARDIS that has grown a crusty
shell!  There's all sorts of life in my underwear!"

The Doctor: "If you're supposed to be the tidiest race in the
             universe, why don't you wipe this grin off my face?
             Bye bye."

At the end -
Doctor: The best advice in the universe? Make mistakes and
        confuse the enemy.
Romana: Brilliant.
Doctor: Yes.
Romana: Is that why you always win?
Doctor: Yes, what?
Romana: Because you always make mistakes?
Doctor: Mistakes me? Well, not for an hour or so. Still,
        I did mistake that George fellow for a female
        prostitute...oh, what a mistake that was!

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: If this is the planet Fargo, than we face the most
            efficiently deadly and clean force in the entire
            universe.  You can not imagine the unspeakable evil
            that we are about to face.

Tom Baker: What?!  I THOUGHT They'd at least try to kill us!
           I thought they were vile and deadly...but...but...
           they're all just WANKING!!  What the hell has happened
           to them?!

Viewers' Quotes -

AND COMPASSION OF GOD!" - Father James O' Maley (1979)

"The regeneration scene wasn't handled very well. What really upset me
was the lack of explanation. I am quite open to any new female bodies
thrust at us and I will readily accept that Romana can change like
this, but no one explains how or why. We were not even given the
briefest mention of why she had to do it. And to add insult to injury,
we don't get to see her naked between costume and body changes!'
                                      - Mr. Drunk (1979)

"The usual Nation trademarks are well in evidence - the long
exploration of a seemingly endless and desolate, uninhabited rock
quarry; the incapacitation of one of the TARDIS crew by a
run-of-the-mill pillar falling down from some never clearly defined
ancient ruin; the other running off to locate help; return to the
TARDIS; the encounter with a group of passing visitors or lost
tourists to the planet; and the inevitable melodramatic appearance of
the Dustbins at Episode One's climax which only serves to remind you
that you've just wasted another 25 minutes of your life."
                                  - Terry Nation (1994)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"The Dustbins evolved in this story man!  Don't you see?!  The
posers, who claim to be Who fans, they were blind to the secret
messages that Terry and Douglas were sending to the people, man!
The Dustbins had left behind this world of dust, and cardboard boxes,
and the material needs of the establishment and had gone on to the
plane of the computerized astral consciousness, and they found LOVE
man!  The Dustbins found LOVE!!!  So, that last part they got wrong,
but other than that - bitchin' story.  I shot something for dinner,
wanna stay?"

Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ah!  The Dustbins, the oldest and most evil of all of MY enemies, YES.
I, the Doctor, defeated them.  Most of the time through cunning and
keen senses so powerful that only I as a Time Lord could possess them,
other times through my charm and wit and diplomacy to organize others
against their evil, but this time just by letting the buggers totally
alone to make a mess of their entire civilization.  Quite good I
thought."                                - Tom Baker exclusive

Rumors & Facts -

  The opening scenes of Dustiny of the Dustbins have often been
criticized by fans because Romana is willy-nilly with bodies and
breaches Intergalactic DNA copyright laws by pinching Astra's body
(at least in theory, according to the script, because they couldn't
afford Carol Cleveland). However, I have always loved the opening
sequence because - hey, shape-shifting chicks are cool, so sue me!

  In this story characters refer to the Dustbins as "robots".  Many
fans have shrieked in fan boy agony at this apparent contradiction
to previously established fact.  I could argue of course that this
reaction by fans is silly. Millions of years have past since the
Dustbins were created.  Perhaps the Dustbins have merely outdone the
Cybermen once more and achieved the dream of total robotic existence.
It could be argued that it is totally natural and within character
for the Dustbins to have improved themselves in every way possible.

However, I want to take a moment to say -

 Screw all the plausible reasoning!  The Dustbins are blob-borgs,
always HAVE been blob-borgs, and ALWAYS WILL BE Blob-Borgs god damn
it!!  It is important for us as fans to know that inside of every
Dustbin is a blob-thing just brimming over with pride to be some
ugly ass blobby motherfucker!
  I think this is a conspiracy to encourage racism against blobs in
our society.  Some of my best friends are blobs and they've only
tried to kill me very occassionally -- I mean, not very occassionally.
Okay, okay, they're damn evil, but the IRS stopped bugging me and
those bastards finally fixed my car the right way - after they met
my blobby pals!

  This brings us to the story's most glaringly obvious problem.
Lavros was a character positively crying out not to be resurrected!
I mean who really wants to sit through six episodes of an evil
mutant bragging about his digestive system and urinary tract?
The plot device by way of which his resurrection is achieved in
Dustiny of the Dustbins is frankly ludicrous, sad, and unbelievably
lame.  It doesn't help matters, either, that Michael Wisher, whose
wonderful performance in Genesis of the Dustbins was such a crucial
factor in Davros's success, proved to be unavailable on this occasion,
necessitating the part be given to a sock puppet someone had obviously
recently pulled out of the trash.  Having Lavros' role in the story
acted out by a man with his hand in a sock puppet, is unfortunately
not in the same league as the performance delivered by Wisher.
I wisher it wasn't so, poor, poor Lavros.

  Dustiny of the Dustbins does deserve a place in Doctor Who history,
mostly because they managed to shoot the damn thing and get it on
the air. Contemporary viewers thought that it was engaging and
fascinating entertainment, which sort of provides a gauge of how
many drugs the average person was taking in the 70s.

  The most notable change with Season 17 was the radically different
and new closing credits sequences.  Instead of showing the usual
horrors of the vortex, or even William Hartnell shoving as much
food in his mouth as possible in under 30 seconds, the new ending
featured the main cast in a way that had never been attempted before.
The beloved ending closing sequence in which the Doctor and Romana
enter the TARDIS Console Room, flip the switch to bring down the
disco ball and party lights, then switch on the wild dance music
"Move Your TARDIS" by Type 65, all started with this story.  Hardly
a day goes by when I don't remember this title sequence - the
red and blue party lights, the Doctor and Romana dancing and wildly
throwing their hands in the air like they just don't care, as K-9
spins uncontrollably round and round to the beat....they just don't
make television like that anymore.

"Move Your TARDIS"
by Type 65

"jump your mind K-9
 jump your TARDIS move your K-9
 move your mind K-9
 jump your TARDIS TARDIS
 jump your mind K-9
 jump your TARDIS move your mind
 move your mind K-9
 jump TARDIS body move your

 move your TARDIS,
 every every TARDIS.
 move your TARDIS,
 come on now everybody.
 move your TARDIS, move your TARDIS.
 every TARDIS come on now everybody.

 you want to move off world,
 start with the TARDIS.
 yo, come on you gotta start with something.
 if you wanna lose your mind,
 just lose your TARDIS.
 lose your mind, lose your mind,
 its gonna cost you nothing.
 you want to move Dustbins,
 start with your TARDIS.
 yo come on and try to move some TARDIS.
 if you wanna move alone,
 then everybody will move along with you"