The Horny Nimoy

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

One Hundred and Tenth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized
Programme Guide O' Vulcans

Serial 5L - The Horny Nimoy -

 The planet Skonnos has been made the victim of a horrific deception.
Skonnosians have been promised by an alien, Leonard Nimoy, that he
will restore their empire to greatness if they in return provide
acting roles to a man "of unmatchable talents" named William Shatner.
Nimoy conceals the fact that the mysterious Shatner requires young
sacrifices and radioactive hymetusite crystals, both of which they
are obtaining from eBay.
 With the completely indestructable TARDIS immobilised for repairs,
the Doctor and Romana encounter the Skonnan spaceship transporting
the latest sacrificial consignment to Shatner's 'Power Dome'. Romana
is captured and taken to Skonnos on board the ship, while the Doctor
follows in the TARDIS which he has somehow partially repaired with
a Yo-Yo. Once there, they discover that Shatner is playing the
role of a powerful leader named Soldeed.  Shatner, has claimed to
be the reincarnation of Soldeed, and has taken to the role with
a natural aplomb -- as if he was born to be Soldeed.  The people
of Skonnos are convinced by Shatner's geniune nature and his close
portrayal of their leader, who died whilst committing unseemingly
acts with an electric blanket some years before, and willingly
obey him in all matters of state.
 Meanwhile deep within Nimoy's labyrinthine power complex strange
and mysterious things are afoot. The two Time Lords discover that
Nimoy is a parasite moving from planet to planet with the souless
intent of getting Shatner ever better acting roles. The pointy-eared
Nimoy travels to an unsuspecting world, acting as a friendly and
devoted actors' agent in order to gain the trust of its inhabitants,
then, once trust is established, begins to place Shatner in roles
of power while draining better actors of their resources, jobs,
and even talents. The power complex, fuelled by hymetusite, is
manned and operated by young, attractive, scantily-clad people
who are there solely to amuse Nimoy.  The power complex uses a black
hole to create a space tunnel through which Nimoy crosses from one
planet to the next.
   The Doctor realises that he has to act fast -- literrally! -- to
save Skonnos.  Through a clever and highly imaginative disguise he
convinces the people of Skonnos that he is in fact the Electric
Blanket that killed the original Soldeed.  The Doctor insists that
he can tell that this is NOT the reincarnation of Soldeed, and he,
being the Electric Blanket that shared those last few initimate
moments with the crazed dictator, would definitely know the truth.
Most civilized races would scoff at the assertions of a
self-proclaimed hyper-intelligent electric blanket wearing a
multi-coloured scarf -- but the gullible people of Skonnos believe
every word of the Doctor's incredible, if not disturbing, story.
  So outraged are the people of Skonnos with the deceptions of
Shatner and Nimoy that they destroy the power complex and kill
Shatner.  However, Nimoy escapes through the black hole at the
last possible second in a moment of obvious sequel fodder.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Shatner Dilemma
                        Playboy, Jan 1980, The Girls of Dr. Who
                        Star Dreck: The Search For The Final Frontier

Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed illogical for most of this story

Fashion Victims - One piece tunics looked just as silly in 1979

Goofs - William Shatner was allowed to act

Technobabble -
The classic technobabble discussion about how to work the black hole
travelspace vortex -

Nimoy: Inverse tackyon admissions!
Doctor: Automate atomic relays!
Nimoy: Reversing the Neutron Flow.
Doctor: What did you say?
Nimoy: The proper procedure is to reverse the neutron flow.
Doctor: I've never met anyone else who reversed the neutron flow..
        well not like I do....I LOVE YOU!!!!

Links and References -
The Doctor causally mentions to K-9 that he hasn't had a bath
since he spent time with the 'Serves You Right'.
(Serial G??  LET'S HOPE NOT!!  Yuughhh.)

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor causually mentions that he was once transformed into
a pipe-smoking caterpillar during his crazy college days

Groovy DVD Extras -
Five more exciting moments of the evil Nimoy stroking his goatee
Tom Baker in an exclusive commentary track, in which, he occassionally

Dialogue Disasters -

Nimoy: I am not Spock!

Dialogue Triumphs -

The Doctor: You're the sexiest girl I've met in quite a few millenia.
Romana: Thank you, Doctor!
Doctor: Not you - the TARDIS!

Soldeed: You will be taken into the Sphere of Pain!
Doctor: OH NO!! NOT THE SPHERE OF PAIN!!!  Anything but that!
Soldeed: YES DOCTOR!
Doctor: Oh please!  All my life I have dreaded the Sphere of Pain.
Soldeed: So you know of it?
Doctor: Well, not as such, no..but with a name like The Sphere of
        Pain, it's likely to be rather nasty isn't it?  I mean
        otherwise it would probably have a cheerier and more
        promising name like "The Circle of Acute Discomfort".
Doctor: Oh please, I am trying very hard to sound impressed by
        your instruments of torture.  Of course if you did threathen
        to throw me into the Ovoid of Minor Unpleasantness, then
        that would be nearly impossible - but Sphere of Pain, that's
        classic.  It reminds me of the most horrid and evil device
        I've ever been tortured with.
Soldeed: Really?  Well, I doubt you've seen anything as horrid as
         the Sphere of Pain.
Doctor: Well it's hard to tell in advance of course, but once, long
        ago I faced an evil, so evil, it's evil is definitely
        difficult to describe.
Soldeed: What was this spectacular device?
Doctor: The name makes me shutter to speak it.
Soldeed: Then tell me, it would be delightful to see you shutter.
Doctor: It was called...The Thingy of Death.
Soldeed: The Thingy of Death?
Doctor: YES!  It was horrific beyond all imagining, with just one
        minor flaw.
Soldeed: And that was?
Doctor: Well it didn't work you see.  But otherwise, it was the
        most terrifying thingy I ever encountered.

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: A spacial distortion displacement device!  Banned on all
            known worlds!  It's too dangerous!

Tom Baker: A spacial distortion displacement device!  Banned in all
           known galaxies!  I think I have one in my pocket!

Viewers' Quotes -

"I found this a rather silly, badly made story. I especially
disliked those silly costumes for Leonard Nimoy, and the very low
level of acting -- which I guess one must come to expect.  The
Doctor also didn't have to be so graphic in those electric blanket
sequences."    - Mary Hoagland (1980)

"Probably the thing I liked most about this story was the fantastic
blanket sex thing -- but then, I'm weird."  - Charles Daniels (1991)

"This depicts human beings in bondage, a grossly inhumane image to
expose our nation's children too -- but just the sort of thing I
like to buy down at the sex shoppes myself, with the usual clerical
discount of course."   - Father James O' Maley (1979)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"What do you get when you add 2 plus 2?  A WHOLE HECK OF A LOT OF
BLOOD!!  Get it??!  GET IT?!! HAHAHA!  Man, I was so hyped by
this story, the night it aired, I didn't have to go out killin'.
The video wasn't as good lookin' at me boy?"

Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ah, now I remember!  This story is about a man who feels more
comfortable being initimate with electrified bedding than with
other human beings -- and I can relate to that.  Electric bedding
is always warm and welcoming, in the same way that a lover can be
distant and cold.  I remember those cold days of being a poor
toothless chimney sweep boy in my tiny village of Grimyshire,
I would be beaten nearly to death by old men, and then my mother
would force feed me gravel, and then I would find that desperate
burglers had stolen my flea infested bed sheets -- and I would be
grateful not to have to endure another night of bug bites.  I was
miserably poor you know, I'm not sure I've ever let that side of
my history come out.  I'm terribly shy you know."

Rumors & Facts -

It is fair to say that The Horny Nimoy has acquired something of a
reputation amongst Doctor Who fans as an atrocious story with some of
the sloppiest production ever seen in the series - this is an
interesting reputation because the story strives, in every frame,
to live up to it.

 The story is supposedly loosely based on the Minoan tale of "Theseus
and the Minotaur", which the Greek historian Herodotus described as
"a bit crap actually".

 One of the strategies producer Graham Williams and script editor
Douglas Adams had planned for Doctor Who's seventeenth season had
been to seek out as many new writers as possible, and kill them.
Their idea was that without writers there would be no stories to
produce or scripts to edit.  Unfortunately, as Williams and Adams
had a limited amount of time for their nocturnal delights, a few
writers slipped away from their attention -- usually, the bad ones.
Adams and Williams boasted how they could immediately recognise a
new talent, accept his story proposal first thing in the morning,
have a nice long chat about the plot line, and then have him finished
off good and dead before lunchtime.

  Many stories were commissioned from writers who then mysteriously
ended up dead before the deadline, Williams and Adams apparently
told the BBC that they had merely hit an annoying snag, and
promised to look for longer lived writers when possible.  The
stories that were commissioned but writers never lived to pen
had such titles as "The Minibus of Death", "The Object of Doom",
and "Valley Of The Bendy Toys".  Unfortunately, it slowly became
apparent that none of these would be in a suitable condition for
production in time for the start of work on Serial 5L - especially
with all the rigor mortis going on.

 The director assigned to The Horny Nimoy was Death McBain, his only
Doctor Who work. Shatner and Nimoy were not willing to work cheap,
and in fact the entire budget of this serial ended up in their
pockets someway or another.  To ease strain on the programme's budget,
McBain was instructed to cast primarily chimps and small parrots
in the supporting roles.