Circle Jerk

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

The One Hundred and Fourteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels 
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Gimli

Serial 5R - Circle Jerk -         

 The TARDIS passes through a Cheap Vortex Entrance, a plot 
device that leads to a smaller universe, located roughly
at 92 High Street in Exeter, England, Earth - right next
to The Turk's Head pub.  

  The TARDIS finally lands on a small, blue, green planet
named Alzarius.  The local people have unimaginatively
decided to call themselves "The Alzarians", which is how 
they will be referred to from this point on -- 
whenever I actually bother to mention them -- 
which hopefully won't be often.

  The Alzarians have also taken to calling their universe
"E-Space" in a desperate attempt to seem hip, up to date,
and maybe even a little advanced and quasi-futuristic.

  The Doctor, Romana, and K9 meet the Alzarians and
are interrogated by their e-Government, forced to sign
e-Confessions, and eventually are cleared of all charges
through the lengthy process of e-Justice.  The Doctor
is so annoyed by this totally useless attempt by local
officials to seem computer savvy that he writes a long
flaming e-mail -- before kicking himself over the irony.
 After registering for an online passport they are allowed
permission to visit Alzarius for a period of no longer than
6 months.  Romana and K-9 suggest that 6 minutes would
be more than enough for them, but the Doctor has a soft
spot for worlds that torture him and his companions, so
he decides to settle in for a bit.

 The Doctor and Romana soon discover that the Alzarians
are not even native to Alzarius.  The entire population
are in fact the descendants of an intergalactic taxi driver
and his unlucky fair who crashlanded on the planet 40
generations ago.  This has caused some social turmoil
as the original taxi driver left his meter running and
half of the population reckons the other half is 
still responsible for the fare.  

 In order to avoid complete genocide over the most
obscene taxi charge in the universe, some 93 trillion
Earth Union Dollars, the Alazarians have trusted their
fates to a group of three people who make all the 
decisions - cleverly called "The Deciders".

 The Deciders have preserved and maintained the space
taxi in the hope that one day they will be able to 
figure out how to start it up and return to their
legendary homeworld - "Tinky Winky".

 The Deciders warn that Alzarius is about to enter a 
mysterious phase known as "Oktoberfest", a time when 
fog descends over the minds of the colonists.

 At first the Doctor, Romana, and K9 celebrate in the
belief that soon it will be beer and sausages for all.
The Deciders mention the joys of Oktoberfest, but
somehow manage to leave out all the details relating
to the venomous spiders that hatch from eggs inside 
the river-fruit that the colonists harvest, and the 
fearsome homocidal creatures that rise from the marshes. 

 In their defense the Deciders mention that when they
used to include the tidbits about the spiders and
psychotic killing machines that it hurt their tourism

 The spiders and marsh creatures of the damned are 
ignored by a group of young IT specialists, led by 
Varsh, who believe Oktoberfest to be nothing but a
distraction from their Assembly Language exams.

  But as Oktoberfest looms into existence the Doctor 
and K-9 witness savage Marshmen rising from the lake. 
Romana meets up with the IT Specialists, who accidentally 
activate the TARDIS, stranding her in their cubicle, 
where she is attacked and infected by Use Cases.

 The Doctor rescues Romana from UML and takes her 
and the IT Specialists to the Space Taxi, where 
the Alzarians are now trying to make the engine
turn over.  Watching their pathetic attempts to
start what appears to be a Checker Cab converted
for interstellar transport, the Doctor engages
the youngest of the IT specialists in a conversation
about OO Programming.  Within moments of starting
the conversation the Doctor becomes deeply annoyed
at the young man, Adric, who is bragging about 
how HE personally designed e-Government, e-Justice,
e-Interrogation, and even was on the team that
came up with the E-Space brand name.

 Through his conversations with Adric, the Doctor
realises that the Alzarians are a bunch of bastards
that deserve to die.  The Doctor leans back and
merrily eats popcorn as the Marsh Creatures kill
every Alzarian in sight.  After a full night of
carnage and bloodlust, the Doctor and Romana leave,
unaware that Adric has stowed away on board the TARDIS... 

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who and the Circle Jerk
                        Learn Math With Adric and K9
                        The Adric Estrogen Society E-zine 
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed reddish for most of this story

Goofs - Adric was introduced in this episode.

Technobabble - "This is the biggest CVE I've seen in sector
                ZZ9PluralZAlpha since my electronwerxnator
                was activated on the GG209 circuit!"
Links and References - 
The Doctor mentions that he wishes the Brigadier was 
around because he is certain that the Alzarians are
not immune to bullets. 

Untelevised Misadventures - 
The Doctor causually mentions that he had a summer
job driving a space taxi between The Crab Nebula
and the Graxton Expanse.  Apparently this was the
summer before his failed attempt to open up a Roller
Disco in ancient Greece.

Groovy DVD Extras -
 A 15 minute documentary in which Pro-Adric and 
Anti-Adric fans beat each other senseless with
question mark umbrellas - while supposedly debating
the merits of Adric as a companion.

Dialogue Disasters -

Decider: We will return to the promised planet!
Doctor: The promised planet?
Decider: The place of our ancestors, where the
         men walked with the gods amoungst the
         stars and there was infinite promise
         for tomorrow.  A planet we know of
         only as a fable, a legend, the golden
         paradise - Tinky Winky!
Doctor: AHhh..yes.  Umm, I think we've got some
        of our facts muddled up here.

Dialogue Triumphs -

Romana: The Time Lords want me back. 

Doctor: Yes, well, I can see why. 

Romana: Doctor, I don't want to spend the rest 
        of my life on Gallifrey - after all this!
        After killing Dustbins and being married,
        and having the most romantic and fantastic
        time of my life. 

Doctor: Well, you can't fight Time Lords, Romana. 

Romana: But we're MARRIED!

Doctor: Well what does that mean really?  Remember
        Susan?  We visited her after the honeymoon?

Romana: Of course, your granddaughter.

Doctor: Yes..well, one of them.  Ever wonder why *I*
        don't go back to Gallifrey?

Romana: You're a rebel!  An outcast!

Doctor: Oh yes, but there is something I fear more
        than the Dustbins, more than the Time Lords..

Romana: Yes?

Doctor: The alimony payments!  

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: Worry not good lady Romana.  I will never
            let the time lords steal my precious love
            from me.

Tom Baker: Oh, if you have a moment, can you forward
           my mail?  I forgot to fill out of change
           of address before going renegade.  Thanks

Viewer Quotes -

"Circle Jerk is very much a story written by 
a moron for fans" - Siggy Seldman (1983)

"Adric was interesting. He was very well
introduced, as a misfit in his brother's 
IT startup. Adric blended into the story 
rather well. Matthew Waterhouse isn't the 
best of young actors, but if he wants
to come to my house for a quick one, I'll 
be happy!"  - Alan Walters (1981)

"I guess the Circle part was to show the
continuity and circular happening of
the season of Oktoberfest, and the Jerk
part was about the Doctor and company
being jerked out of time, or Adric BEING
a jerk...but to be honest, I rented this
video thinking it was a cheap Doctor Who
porn of course I'm disappointed,
and would like my money back.  
Thank you, Your Loyal Customer."
   - Charles Daniels, letter to Tower Video (1993) 

"Circle Jerk!  Such a shameful and tasteless
name for a television programme!  I have already
written to BBC Video demanding my money back!
This is distracting the faithful from the REAL
smut!"  - Father James O' Maley (1989)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"You think spiders in fruit is freaky?  You
should see the spiders IN MY MIND!!!"

Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ah yes, Circle Jerk.  I thought this was going
to be the shining story of the season - with
Romana and K9 there, that would have been a 
great scene to play out.  The extras would be
fine, but compared to Romana and K9, they would
be extras.  The bonus bodies at the Circle Jerk
of time, if you will.  I was very heart broken
when I discovered that the story wasn't like that.
I haven't been to a good orgy, I mean a REALLY
good one with chocolate fondue and everything,
since 1974."

Rumors & Facts -

Nineteen year-old Andre Smyth, a longtime Doctor Who
fan and early member of the Doctor Who Worship Cult,
had been sending script ideas to the Who production 
office once a week, every week, for 10 years.  
When Christopher H Bidmead became the programme's
producer he was desperate for new writers, and
ESPECIALLY for new writers who hated Douglas Adams
with a passion. Bidmead came upon one of Smyth's 
submissions, The Mildly Drowsy Planet, which had
been rejected by Douglas Adams, somewhat because
he thought the script was too amateurish, but mostly
because he hadn't written it and it didn't include
anything sensible for Doctor Who - such as 
hyperintelligent mice and swashbuckling space pirates.

  In the original script, the TARDIS lands on 
a planet that causes the Doctor and Romana to become
mildly drowsy.  They attempt to discover the cause
of this anomaly, but fall asleep.

  Impressed by simple and logical premise of 
The Mildly Drowsy Planet, Bidmead sought out 
producer John Satan-Turner's consent that Smyth 
be commissioned. Satan-Turner agreed, with the 
stipulation that something should actually
HAPPEN in a second draft of the script.  
>From this humble beginning the epic story 
"Circle Jerk" was born.

 Bidmead and Smyth began working together to 
massage The Mildly Drowsy Planet into full 
script form.  The first script revision
attacked what they saw as the main weakness
of the story, it didn't have enough "punch".
So Bidmead and Smyth went all out and rewrote
the script which they re-titled -
"The Incredibly Drowsy Planet".  

 Even this did not appease Satan-Turner and a
third version was demanded.  Bidmead and Symth
were so annoyed by this, and by how they
belittled they had been by Satan-Turner, that
they decided to beat him at his own game.

 For the third version of the script Bidmead
and Smyth met Satan-Turner's unfair demand
that there be an actual "plot", but in revenge
they devised a new companion -- Adric.

 Bidmead and Smyth hyped Adric as a sort
of artful dodger from Oliver Twist.  However
the sweet revenge of inflicting Adric into
the story didn't work very well in Smyth's 
original conception of The Mildly Drowsy Planet.
Consequently, to pursue their vengence against
Satan-Turner as a higher goal than any other,
it was decided to remove drowsy element from
the story.  Leaving them with "The Mildly Planet".

 At the last minute the story title was changed
from "The Mildly Planet" to "Circle Jerk" by
John Satan-Turner.  No one knows why.  As far
as I know, no one wanted to ask.