The Webber's Gate

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels


The One Hundred and Sixteenth Entry in the Charles Daniels 
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Sex Pistols

Serial 5S - The Webber's Gate -         

 Trapped in E-space, with no possibility of a return
to N-Space, or more precisely The Turk's Head public
house in the city centre of Exeter, the Doctor decides
to take drastic action.

 Over the eons the Doctor has crusaded for the rights
of the enslaved, the subjugated, and those who have
been generally fucked over.  Due to his dire circumstances
he decides to reverse his moral flow and starts
enslaving random aliens.

 After a few weeks of testing out different races to
place in immoral bondage, he soon hits upon his golden
opportunity.  He meets a friendly alien named Biro,
who he immediately shackles and whips into submission.
It turns out that Biro, a being with a truly unfortunate
name, is also a time sensitive.

 The Doctor uses Biro to find the homeworld of Biro's kind -
The Tharils.  The Tharils are basically cat people who
walk through walls and time -- a race which has just
escaped a long stint of slavery at the hands of a human
being named Andrew Lloyd Webber.  The Tharils are still
rejoicing that their forced performances on Broadway
in New York have finally come to an end, when the
Doctor arrives to take slaves and chew bubblegum...
and he's all out of bubblegum.

 In order to get to the festivities, the Doctor has
to enter an unnatural void, which is easily accessed
from a cardboard-stone archway.  The archway leads
to a banqueting hall laid out for a feast.  The
Doctor realises he is out of his element, as capturing
hundreds of drunken cat people will be a bit of 
a challenge.  Luckily he remembers a dark and ancient
race of robots who he once did unspeakable favors for,
The Gundan.  Using his powers of time summoning, the
Gundan appear to do his bidding.

 However the mental energy that the Doctor exhausts
by calling robots of death out from the ether, gives
Biro a chance to escape.  The Doctor witnesses Biro
phasing in and out of existence -- and is shocked 
because he hasn't even started drinking yet.

 Biro confronts the Doctor and explains that the 
Tharils were once a proud and conceited race, but 
being forced to perform as giant cats in a Broadway
musical has diminished the ego of his people.
Biro begs the Doctor to use his great powers and
incredible robot army to visit vengence on Andrew
Lloyd Webber. 

 Surprisingly, the Doctor agrees.  He strikes a
deal with the Tharils.  They will use their mental
energies to transfer himself and his companions
back to the pub in Exeter, and once there, he
will completely destroy Andrew Lloyd Webber
entirely, completely eradicating him from
the timeline of the universe.

 At first things seem to go as planned, but
at the last moment the Doctor asks his companions
to check the exterior of the TARDIS for any
damage that might have been caused from travelling
through E-Space collecting slaves.

 Romana, K-9, and Adric look over the TARDIS shell 
while the Doctor makes mysterious calculations
on the console.  

 Outside Romana notices the sounds of the door
closing and asks Adric to rush in to see what
the Doctor is doing.  A second later the TARDIS

 Romana looks at first horror struck and then,
deeply relieved, as she sees the TARDIS has
gone.  K-9 sulks into a deep depression and
admits that recently he has slumped into an
unstoppable rut of alcoholism and violence.
Romana promises K-9 that he will soon recover
once he is free of his master's presence.
Romana and K-9 join the freed cat people.

 Meanwhile, inside the TARDIS, the Doctor
clucks with glee.  Thrilled that he is
finally free from his responsibilities,
his companions, and back on the way to
a small pub in Devon.  When he looks up
an expression of shock and revulsion is
revealed, and quickly concealed, as he
realises Adric had stumbled back into
the TARDIS just in the nick of time.

Book(s)/Other Related - Dr Who & The Hasty Divorce of E-Space
                        Dr Who Versus The Singing Cats of Time
                        Dr Who Und Die UberKatze  
Fluffs - Tom Baker seemed drunk for most of this story

Goofs - 
The Doctor seems to have slaver clothes and generic
bondage gear mixed up..but the effect is similar.

Technobabble - 
"K-9 is experiencing neural-network degenerative
loss.  So I'm afraid he's going to have to speak
Welsh for awhile."

Links and References - 
The Doctor mentions that he has always been
opposed to evil, except for The Wank Machines
(Serial BB), The Dominatrix (Serial TT),
and a few other times when "it was a laugh".

Untelevised Misadventures - 
The Doctor admits that on the whole he's
opposed to the enslavement of all lifekind,
but he did experiment with it in college,
so he's not talking from some abstract moral
concept or through lack of experience.

Groovy DVD Extras -
15 extra minutes of people running in
slow motion against a white background.

Dialogue Disasters -

Biroc: Others follow. 
Doctor: Others? 
Biroc: Believe nothing they say. 
       They're not Biro's kind.' 
Romana: What are you? 
Biroc: A shadow of my past and of your future.
Doctor: Riiight...get back in the cage, Skippy.

Doctor: So Romana, who's your favorite lame
        late 90s techno rave remix DJ?
Romana: Astral Jung!
Doctor: Did he do 'Put Your Hands in the Air'?

Adric: Was Romana all know? 
Doctor: All right? She was superb! 

Dialogue Triumphs -

Doctor: The naming of cats is a mysterious
        thing...but who the hell would name
        a cat Biro??? 

Doctor: One good solid hope's worth a 
        cart-load of certainties.
Romana: No it's not.
Doctor: Fuck off Romana, I'm in denial.

(Just after dematerialising)
Doctor: Goodbye!!  Good bye, you nagging know it
        all bitc--OH, Hello Adric.  There's been
        a horrible accident I'm afraid.

Dialogue Oddities -

The Doctor: Romana, has left my life.  From this
            moment on I shall always be...diminished.

Tom Baker: Hold on Adric, I know a great place to
           pick up a bit of Welsh tart!

Viewer Quotes -

"At first I thought the writers had tried
to cultivate and maintain an air of mystery.
Then I just found out the whole thing was
badly written."  -  - Andrew Jones (1985)

"He defiles the holy vows of matrimony.
Good for him!"  - Father James O'Maley (1981)

"Sure, everyone says Romana was such 
a good companion. Everyone says Romana 
made Doctor Who special for them.  
But how many people openly admit to 
wanking themselves eightteen times a day 
to pictures of her in that school uniform?
That's the difference between being a 
causal viewer and being a FAN.
I'm the BIGGEST Romana fan there is...
at least, I hope so. But if I'm NOT, 
then WOW, that person must be REALLY dehydrated."
 - Random Fan at Gallifrey One Con (1999)

"Okay, what the hell was that?"
  - Charles Daniels (2003)

Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I enslaved a race of cat people once, and I
payed the price - not in prison time, but
in furballs."

Tom Baker Speaks!
"Ahh yes, the Doctor.  Free from the ultimate
Doctor Who monster.  A moment of victory.
A fleeting second of success and joy.  To be
on the hunt again, seeking, living, groping,
on the edge.  That is the way the Doctor lives
his life, and I AM THE DOCTOR.  I hope that
when they make a new series of Doctor Who
they will embrace that aspect of the character,
that I created.  I want to see Eddie Izzard,
every Saturday night, groping people.  That's
quality entertainment."

Rumors & Facts -

 Shortly after he assumed the post of Doctor Who's 
script editor Christopher H Bidmead approached renowned
science-fiction author Robert A. Heinlein about the
possibility of his writing a story for the series.
Robert A. Heinlein reprtedly laughed so hard that
he needed major surgery.  Bidmead was apparently
disappointed by this reaction, so he went off
seeking his second choice, veteran Who script
writer, Chris Butcher. 
 Butcher had just heard the tragic news that
his unpopular situation comedy, The Vicar Who Lives
Down the Street by the Chemist, was not going to
be renewed for a second season.  Bidmead expressed
that he felt Butcher had nevertheless truly grown
as a writer.  The situation comedy mentioned above
had shown that Butcher was capable of writing material
that didn't occur to him personally in his flat.
In fact Butcher confessed that at times he was
forced to use his imagination -- dreaming up
what it would be like to live further along his
block and to have to wear a silly outfit while
doing it.
 Christopher Bidmead explained to Butcher that
his script would have to include the exit sequence
for Romana and K-9 for the following reasons - 

1. The actress who played Romana was keen to leave
   the series and get the hell away from Tom.

2. The prop company that had built K-9 and owned 
   the designs also wanted to get their property
   as far away from Tom Baker as possible, because
   they had finally heard what he had been doing to it.

3. The crew no longer wished to see Tom Baker indulge
   himself with the female companions and robotic dog
 After months of feverish writing, Butcher turned in a script 
entitled "The Time Lords of 12 Cromwell Road, London, SW7 58D"
and reported to Bidmead in pride that this time he had placed
the Time Lord's home planet in an entirely different post code 
from his own.  The adventure was a Time Lord political
thriller, based deep in the heart of London.

 By June, it was becoming clear that problems with the scripts
were proving insurmountable - notably that they weren't very good. 

 With little time left for suicide, Bidmead had to race to 
locate a replacement.  Bidmead found a his replacement in
the personage of a strange and elusive science fiction
author named Kilgore Trout.  Kilgore Trout worked cheap,
really cheap, in fact he just wanted a tube of Smarties and
a half a pint of lager. 

 Thus, this is how the engine of Doctor Who ran.

Romana: Run Doctor! Scurry off in your blue box. 
        You're like all the rest. I'm sick of your kind. 
        Men are such bastards, aren't they K-9?

    K9: Affirmative Mistress.