Convex and Concave
An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Twentieth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' MC Escher
Serial 5Z - Convex and Concave -
Tegan and Nyssa return the Doctor to the TARDIS after his
bizarre regeneration. Inside the TARDIS the Doctor regains
consciousness and begins to scream obscenities in French.
After a few moments of verbally assaulting everyone nearby, the
Doctor bolts into the corridors.
Outside the TARDIS, Adric is sulking about something. The Bastard's
TARDIS materializes next to Adric, and leather whips emerge striking
him down. Tegan and Nyssa emerge from the TARDIS just as the Bastard's
vanishes, leaving a stunned Adric. Tegan and Nyssa usher him inside,
where he immediately sets a new destination for the TARDIS.
Adric huffily leaves the control room, without even bothering to
thank Nyssa and Tegan for saving him. The girls ignore Adric's
typical teenage angst and start a conversation about how the Doctor
has suddenly gone all sexy.
In the endless corridors of the TARDIS the Doctor is unravelling
all his clothing -- for some reason. The Doctor's erratic
personality is beginning to disintegrate. The Doctor drifts through
the behavioural traits of his previous incarnations, calls Adric
'Jamie' -- and realizes, to his horror, that he has forgotten how
to call someone a wanker in French.
Meanwhile in the console room, Tegan and Nyssa have discovered the
TARDIS data bank - the most powerful database ever constructed
for sharing music and pornography online. Eventually, they navigate
through endless files and determine that they are on a programmed
course, but they have no idea what "Kiss Your Arse Goodbye:
Event One" means.
Not done with his sulking for the day, Adric abandons the Doctor
and sets off in search of his room where he plans to write poems
about how girls never like him and how horrible it is to have a
spotty face. The Bastard, watching from the safety of his own TARDIS,
is amused by his behaviour, knowing Adric will never be loved until
he stops feeling sorry for himself and takes a shower.
The Doctor, suffering from various bouts of insanity, decides
that he is a professional cricket player named Angus McNugget.
In the delirium of the moment he changes into a cricket outfit and
a beige trenchcoat. He then hears the distant sound of Adric's
bedroom door slamming shut, and rushes off to investigate, running
into Tegan and Nyssa on the way. The Doctor is continuing to
weaken and nearly collapses before Nyssa drags him into Adric's
room, an environment completely isolated from the rest of the
Once cut off from the reality and sanity of the outside world the
Doctor's health is restored, although it will take quite some time
for him to fully recover, and eventually he will have to go outside
and face the galaxy. Simply put - Adric's negativity, and lack of
self-esteem has created a small area in which the usual laws of the
universe just can't be bothered.
The Doctor tells his companions that they will all have their parts
to play sexually -- even Adric. Tegan and Nyssa seem interested
in the Doctor and approach him about a quick one on Adric's bed.
The Doctor explains to all three of his companions the he is
the embodiment of "The Watcher", and was hoping to see all three
of his companions engaged in depravity -- while he rested and
watched. Nyssa and Tegan are put off by the idea of sleeping
with Adric, and back away from the Doctor.
Hoping to convince Tegan and Nyssa of his plan, the Doctor tells
them that the Adric in the room with them is in fact a Block
Transfer Computation and that the real Adric is now a prisoner of
the Bastard. Unfortunately, they don't even want to get friendly
with a COPY of Adric. The BTC Adric rushes out of the room,
now REALLY sulking, and feeling depressed.
The girls also decide to leave the Doctor, partly to let him
rest, but mostly to deal with this revelation. Back in the console
room Nyssa discovers that Adric programmed the TARDIS to travel back
in time to the creation of the universe. As the TARDIS begins to
shake with turbulence, the Bastard appears on the TARDIS' scanner,
gloating, as Adric hangs pinioned in a web of bondage in the
Nyssa turns off the scanner screen so she won't have to see the
Bastard any longer, and she and Tegan try to find some way of
surviving the cliffhanger. The Bastard, meanwhile, hovers nearby in
Time and Space, using Adric as a source of Geek Energy to generate
Block Transfer Computations. The Bastard reminds Adric how the girls
and the Doctor didn't want to shag him. The Bastard also tells
Adric that the Doctor is doomed. The Bastard asks Adric to join
forces with him and co-operate willingly. At first this doesn't
seem to be a powerful enough argument, so the Bastard promises
Adric that the full power of the Web of Bondage shall be his,
if only he would join forces. Adric immediately agrees to befriend
The Bastard watches and gloats as the TARDIS is apparently
destroyed by Event One. Tegan and Nyssa however have actually
avoided destruction by a mysterious means that is never explained
or ever mentioned again.
The Bastard prepares to break his promise to Adric, and starts
to release Adric from the Bondage web, as he no longer requires vast
amounts of geek energy. However, as a procaution, the Bastard
boosts power through the web, burning through Adric's resistance in
sweet torture and revealing that the TARDIS has survived and escaped
Event One after all.
Tegan and Nyssa look up information on voyeurism in the TARDIS data
bank, and find a suggestion that Time Lords can overcome this fetish
if they travel into cities based on the designs of artist MC Escher.
The suggested location is the twin cities of Convex and Concave,
which are apparently places of relaxation and comfort located
deep in the Gagralactic War Zones.
Tegan prepares to pilot the TARDIS while Nyssa returns to the
Adric's room - for some reason she won't explain. Nyssa and the
Doctor are skeptical that Tegan can actually pilot the complex time
machine, and are convinced that someone else is responsible for the
journey -- although neither of them can imagine who it might be.
They both spend several minutes trying to think of anyone they
know who might have the ability to take over the TARDIS and
navigate it to a location of their choice. They ponder who might
have the motivation to re-direct them to a planet of rest and
relaxation that just happens to be located in one of the most
violent and deadly sectors of the galaxy. Eventually they just
decide to forget about it and have some biscuits.
Curious and jealous, Tegan enters Adric's room,
but finds the Doctor and Nyssa talking about quantum
theory and eating Jaffa Cakes. When the Doctor asks them
if Adric has safely returned to the TARDIS after he exposed
the duplicate - Tegan and Nyssa are forced to admit that
Adric has betrayed them and joined forces with the Bastard
in some sort of kinky bondage web. The Doctor immediately
asks if they recorded any of this from the TARDIS monitors
as he'd REALLY love to watch what the Bastard has been doing
to Adric. Tegan and Nyssa quickly attempt to change the topic,
but it's too late, The Doctor insists upon rescuing Adric
The Doctor uses the TARDIS systems to call the Bastard collect.
The Doctor launches into a long and spirited speech demanding
the freedom of his companion, and to Adric's disappointment,
and the Doctor's shock, the Bastard immediately agrees.
The Bastard has come to realise that he has set some standards
for himself since his time as a sea lion, and that hanging
out with Adric, even for evil alterior motives, isn't the kind
of lifestyle he really wants.
The Bastard returns Adric to the Doctor's TARDIS, and apologises
for his past misdeeds. The Bastard then says that he needs some
time to go off and be evil on a smaller scale, just to get used
to the idea again. Also the Bastard explains that he would
appreciate it if the Doctor didn't get involved with his next
two or three schemes. At first the Doctor seems to be outraged
by the idea that he should just "play nice for awhile, and
piss off", but then the Bastard mentions certain secret photos
and information from the dark days when they were roommates,
and the Doctor agrees to the Bastard's demands -- for now.
As a token of peace the Bastard returns a Blue Oyster Cult
record that he had borrowed, but never returned, back in their
Book(s)/Other Related - Dr Who & Pointless Waste of Time
Look But Don't Touch: The Davison Years
Blue Oyster Cult - Fire of Unknown Origin
Fluffs - Peter Davison seemed befuddled and perverse for most
of this story
As with his first regeneration, the metamorphosis completely
ignores the laws of conservation of energy.
An Escher overdrive is used by the Bastard to create a complex
fractal universe that defies all reason -- but is never mentioned
Links and References -
The Doctor calls Adric "Jamie" and "Ian". He calls Tegan
"Susan" and "Sarah Jane". He calls Nyssa "Leela" and
"You naughty slut" - the same nickname he once gave Jo.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor tells Adric that he once fought in a deadly battle
of wits against a being of unimaginable power named Jimmy.
Groovy DVD Extras -
An easter egg contains a deleted scene in which Adric reads
his newest poem "Why Do Pretty Girls Hurt Me So?"
Dialogue Disasters -
Nyssa: I know so little about teletubbiogenesis.
Tegan: If! My dad used to say that "if" was the shortest
word in the English language.
Nyssa: What about "A" and "I"?
Tegan: Well, my dad was sort of a moron.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Tegan: Doctor, can you see how many fingers I'm holding up?
Doctor: With my eyes, no, but in my philosophy...
Tegan: Right, he's talking crap again, better sedate him.
Doctor: I AM The Watcher! I Love to Watch!
Viewer Quotes -
"Tom Baker's debut story was quite a disappointment, but
Convex and Concave was definitely not that. It was
brim-full of original perversions and pleasant surprises.
Whether you're into leather, classic torture, group sex,
or just sitting back and seeing what happens --
it has it all!" - Trevor Smith (1982)
"I wonder if it was not too cerebral for the audience - all
the different shapes, the imagery, the artistic visions, and
the French. Would it not perhaps have been better to have
started with a crappy monster story to grab the lazy nacho-eating
- Arrogant British Intellectual Magazine (April, 1989)
"This is a sad state of affairs. The Doctor, for once, just
wanted to sit and watch his companions have it off in a torrid
lesbian free for all..but not get involved. If it were me, I
would have jumped right in there and had them all -- even the
spotty boy!" - Father James O' Maley (1982)
"Doctor Who is a series that is always discovering and
experimenting sexually, but never more so than when the
reign of a new Doctor begins." - Penthouse (March, 1982)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I've been to the conventions. I've read the newsgroups.
No one takes it seriously when the Doctor talks about the
the ancient god of unbelievable power. But I've met Jimmy
and he's one freaky deity. I'm not saying he's a bad guy.
Sure, he has human souls for tea, but he really LIKES love
songs. That's very rare for a demonic entity from before
the beginning of time."
Tom Baker Speaks!
"The last few seconds of my time as a children's hero.
It's so emotional to see them pass by, even now. I savour
each frame. My life back then, my life now. The changes
I have felt in my life are impossible to describe. Watching
those last few moments of myself as the Doctor. It reminds
me of what I've lost. My youth. My passion. My innocence.
How I long for the days when I was beloved, when I was a
shining beacon of inspiration to children across the world.
The tears have been shed, the time has passed.
NOW UNTIE ME FROM THIS FUCKING COUCH YOU MANIAC!!!"
- The Last Words Tom Baker spoke on my couch before
I set him free into the wild, like a sparrow I
recently weened from a broken wing. Within three
seconds he had knocked me cold and drank all my
This is the first story on which the Doctor is credited as
'The Doctor' in the closing credits. Previously the credit had
always read either 'Time Travelling Loser' or 'Perverted SOB'.
Rumors & Facts -
This story has quite a few little problems. The Bastard
had no way of knowing what had become of the Doctor and
his companions after fleeing in his own TARDIS, and yet
he is already prepared at the beginning of this story to
kidnap Adric and trap him within a web of pain. Does
the Bastard's TARDIS come fully stocked with ready made
Using Adric's geek skills, he then causes the Doctor's
TARDIS to travel back to the very start of the universe,
where he fully expects the Doctor to be destroyed -
only to be defeated by some unknown method. Even as the
TARDIS veers away from Event One, however, Tegan
discovers yet another trap! This tends to suggest that
the Bastard actually expects each of his plans to fail,
arguably making him seem less like an evil mastermind
and more like a total dweeb.
Things improve considerably in the second half of the
story, when the Doctor starts asking his companions to
take their kits off and do nasty with each other.
But again HOW DID the Bastard know that the Doctor
would regenerate into a voyeur? Does he know the
dark secrets of the Watcher? Know something from
their time together on Gallifrey? Or is it all
just a freakily accurate guess?
Davison brings forth a good and convincing Doctor.
However his companions and even the Doctor himself
are doomed to wear costumes that are quite frankly
crap and make them stand out everywhere they go.
Satan-Turner's dream of having a cast dressed like
trained monkeys was at last a reality.
The first story of Season Nineteen was always
intended to be the final installment of a trilogy
of stories. The first two installments, The Zoo
Keeper of Traken and Death Comes to Tom, arguably
made SOME sense. The real problem with the Bastard
trilogy is that there was no planning. All the
documentation suggests that Bidmead and Satan-Turner
read somewhere that a trilogy was a story told
in three parts, then decided to budget three
Bastard stories in a row. The subtle things,
like having an arc to the story, or some sense
of advancement, was obviously lost to them.
Originally, the season premiere was to be
"Project 36DD". This was a story about nuclear
disarmament, in which the Doctor tricks the US
and the USSR into destroying their weapons cache
and replacing them with giant Jelly Babies.
Although the Bastard did not appear in the
original draft, the writers were asked to
shoehorn him into their plot.
The writers re-worked their script and turned
in a new version of their story entitled
"Project Zeta-Sigma". Satan-Turner was apparently
unhappy with the result, as the writers made
the Bastard the President of the United States.
Satan-Turner thought this story ignored Britain
and would therefore alienate their core audience.
Satan-Turner did a radical re-write that was
oddly sympathic to the USSR and their battles
against the evil Bastard as the Prime Minister.
This new version "Incident At Milton Keynes"
was seen as politically incorrect and completely
insane. Bidmead then wrote his own version
of the script "Project: Zeta Plus" which featured
the Doctor as the Prime Minister and the Bastard
as the leader of the Soviet Union. This version
was criticized by the original writers because
it wasn't in line with their original artistic
vision and included a lot of scenes featuring
the Bastard stabbing people with bananas and
arm wrestling with Fidel Castro. The original
writers took over the next version of the script
"Project: Zeta Plus One".
Despite all the work invested in the story, however,
it was still crap. Soon became clear that it bore
a number of difficulties, such an entire scenes
which were virtually impossible to realise on camera
without a budget of at least 75 pounds. The BBC was
very insistent that even though this episode was
to introduce a NEW Doctor Who, they would not
allow the production team to spend more than the
Meanwhile, in the real world, Doctor Who was
enjoying it's worst ratings ever. Several reports
generated that the time suggest that the only viewers
Doctor Who actually had were very nervous and
paranoid people who were under the impression that
if they ever changed the channel off BBC1 their
televisions would explode.
Due to low ratings the BBC Controller decided that
Doctor Who was to be moved from it's traditional
Saturday evening time slot and instead be moved
to 3am on Tuesdays.
Behind the scenes, things were also not looking good.
After abandoning their latest draft of "Project Zeta
Theta Plus One Trombone Neck Wobbler" a new script
had to be generated - and fast!
Satan-Turner and Bidmead desperately needed every
penny of the 16.99 they had available. So they had
to find someone who could write the scripts they
required but wasn't too fussy about being paid.
After contacting their usual suspects they'd come
By coincidence Bidmead remembered some paintings
he'd seen in the BBC Offices. These were drawn by
the Dutch artist Maurits Cornelius (MC) Ecsher.
Bidmead especially liked these drawings because
their optically illusory nature had been a source
of irritation for Satan-Turner.
Bidmead asked around and finally made contact
with the MC Escher Fan Club. Bidmead asked the
club if they'd like to write an episode of Doctor
Who based loosely on the drawings of Escher, not
for money - but just to SEE the awesome worlds
of Escher brought to life on the TV screen through
the magic of Doctor Who.
The Escher fan club enthusiastically agreed --
not realising they had just fallen for the
biggest con job of the century. BBC Computers were
in no way advanced enough to create virtual sets
that resembled the striking mathematical features
of the Dutch artist, and even if they were, by this
point the production team only had 8p left.
All the scenes of the magical twin cities of
Concave and Convex were cut from the final script
without warning and Satan-Turner padded out the
remaining material with lots of sexual innuendo
and scenes which featured Adric sulking.
The immoral engine of Doctor Who production continued