Arc of Sinfinity
An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Twenty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Basement Jaxx
Serial 6E - Arc of Sinfinity -
The scene is set on the dark, stormy, and desolate landscape of the
planet Gallifrey -- which can in no way be mistaken for the Yorkshire
Moors. In a tiny gothic Gallifreyian village, Whitby, a traitor
has stolen the Doctor's bio-data from findafriend.com, the intergalactic
trans-time dating service based deep in the heart of the Gallifreyian
computational Matrix. The Matrix is something like a super internet
with the complete, and incredibly disturbing, minds of the entire
time lord civilization.
The Time Lords do not notice this flagrant violation of all their
security systems as they were all "occupied" in their gigantic
Sinfinity Chambers. Inside of their vast Sinfinity Chambers they can
recreate any experience, concept, event, or object from the tiniest
nutrino up -- but mostly they tap into the power of Sinfinity to pioneer
various advancements in pornography. So like I said earlier - it's
basically all just a super internet.
The power of the Sinfinity Chamber has, for once, been used for one
of the legitmate purposes it was originally justified for -- allowing
anti-matter constructs to exist inside of our matter based universe --
Whether or not it will ever be used to help with someone's homework
remains to be seen.
Since the Time Lords sold their massive and bureaucratic government on
the idea of building the Sinifity Chambers -- each one requiring the
complete destruction of several nearby parallel universes just to get
some bandwidth going -- everyone has forgotten their original legitimate
uses. Only the founding fathers of Time Lord Society remember the
complete control they offer over computational reality.
In order to permanently remain in the matter universe, the anti-matter
alien must engage a fellow Time Lord in bondage -- and logically he
has chosen The Doctor.
When the Time Lord High Council, led by President Borusa, discover the
theft of the bio-data, they are shocked to discover that the Matrix
and Sinfinity components actually have forgotten legitmate purposes
and order a complete review of all Sinfinity/Matrix functionality.
An young officer, Maxil, asks what should be done with the Doctor
now that his bio-data has been compromised. Borusa informs Maxil
of his long standing friendship with the Doctor, his great affection
for the "young man", and then tells Maxil that the Doctor must die.
Borusa mutters something about "vulgar acts with luncheon meats", but
his decision is never truly explained.
Meanwhile, on Earth, in Amsterdam, in the red light district,
Tegan is working full time. Her job at the Laytex Lair evaporated
when she failed to show up. In desperation she decided to go to
a relaxed place where everyone was stoned, horny, and Dutch -- and
Amsterdam seemed the poster child for this situation. Overall Tegan
is happy with her new life, everything seems fine, except for one thing
that is - When Tegan first arrived in Amsterdam she unfortunately came
under the attention of a hideous looking pimp - a repulsive giant
chicken creature known as an Ergon. Her alien pimp from beyond the stars
is deeply abusive, but at the same time difficult to take seriously.
As the Ergon collects large quantities of cash from Tegan, the
Doctor is recalled to dark forgotten world of the Time Lords.
The Time Lords arrest the Doctor and sentence him to wear Graham
Norton's wardrobe for the rest of eternity, but he is rescued from
this fate worse than death by the alien, who appears incredibly jealous.
The Doctor is imprisoned inside the Matrix -- yes that's right THE
MATRIX -- the place where he has the entire power of the time lord
race at his command...is it just me or is this an incredibly stupid
place to imprison someone?
From inside the Matrix the Doctor contacts the Time Lord race
and informs them that the traitor who has stolen his bio-data and
is even now gathering up rope and harness equipment, is none other
Omigod, the ancient Time Lord that gave his race the ability to time
Omigod, who still remembers the official uses of the Sinfinity Chambers.
Omigod, who once threatened to destroy all of Gallifrey in a mad act of
revenge from his anti-matter universe.
Omigod, who was once trapped behind an incredibly heavy piece of
office furniture for millions of years.
Omigod, who was once the subject of a horribly unpopular Gallifreyian
Musical with such songs as "Whoops! Who Put That In My Black Hole?"
Omigod is not surprised to hear any of this -- except for the last
bit, which makes him deeply queasy.
The Time Lords seem impotent, and Omigod deep inside the Matrix is
ready to tie up the Doctor, perform the ceremonial bondage of Rassilon
which will, somehow, allow him to remain forever in this universe.
The Time Lords stand in shock and horror as Omigod slaps the Doctor
silly with a rubber chicken. Nothing can save the race of the Time
The Doctor, using a complicated mixture of breathing techniques and
muscle movements he learned from "Tantric Sex Art for Dummies", escapes
the computational Matrix. The process of bondage was not entirely
complete, and while Omigod has taken the Doctor's form, he will only
temporarily be able to leave the Matrix to follow the Doctor.
Against Nyssa's objections the Doctor has decided that all that
rope and abuse has put him in the mood for a sex holiday. The
Doctor pilots the TARDIS to the centre of Amsterdam's red light
district - a scene leading to the classic double entendre "You can
control it when you want to."
Nyssa insists the Doctor handle the imminent destruction of the
universe in a prompt fashion - but he insists that since he as a time
machine a lost weekend of dope and sex will go unnoticed. The Doctor
hands Nyssa a hash brownie and asks a nearby giant chicken if he knows
any girls who might like his young assistant.
Omigod materialises inside of the Van Gogh museum, where his rapidly
decaying body is mistaken for an especially striking Post-Impressionist
piece. Omigod runs through the city frantically, in order to take
full advantage of location shooting, and finally tracks the Doctor
down. Omigod explains to the Doctor that his decaying body will
eventually result in a huge anti-matter explosion. If that should occur
all of Amsterdam will be completely destroyed an horrific
matter/anti-matter cancellation. Omigod asks the Doctor to stop
talking to the Ergon and take him seriously, as the Doctor's only
moral choice is to let the bondage cycle be completed. Annoyed with
Omigod, the Doctor pulls a Luger out of his pocket and shoots him,
and then asks the Ergon if he can see "this girl who dresses like an
Omigod completely forgot that his own death would result in the
harmless evaporation of his body. And so Omigod turns to dust.
The Doctor eventually realises that the Ergon is trying to hook him
and Nyssa up with Tegan. The Doctor rescues Tegan from the evil clutches
of the Ergon and she rejoins the TARDIS crew.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who Gets Stoned Off His Arse
Ergon: The Hooker Colouring Book
Omigod, Laid Bare - Another Trashy Unauthorised Biography
The unfortunate scene in which Peter Davison tries to say the
common Dutch phrase:
"Verkeerssituatie bereikbaarheid Leidseplein gewijzigd"
If the Doctor is executed, won't Omigod just have kinky bondage with
another Time Lord? I mean, I may not know MUCH about the Time Lords,
but if I was Borusa I'd be thinking "Better him than me!"
Maybe the Time Lords have some deep repressed desire for
this sort of thing.
Omigod thrashing the Doctor with a rubber chicken makes the Ergon
somehow even LESS impressive.
"Of course Omigod, matter/anti-matter collision cancelation can
be rather devasting to the temporal timeline overflow - but now
that I've just blown your frickin' head off it won't matter now,
will it? So! Ergon! You say this airline stewardess outfit
is somewhat realistic? Does she offer peanuts and refreshments?"
Links and References -
This story is a sequel to the Tree Doctors. The Tree Doctor's
simple explanation of "Stuff" and "Anti-Stuff" has been updated
for the more savvy 80s audience. (Serial RRR)
Also this story provides much of the basis and background for
Lance Parkin's "The Sinfinity Doctors". (BBC Book #17)
Untelevised Misadventures -
On screen we see Tegan's business dealings with the Ergon.
The Ergon claims to have many other girls under his employ
including - An english girl who is constantly crying and
holding onto him for comfort, an old school mistress, a highly
educated ex-government vixen and her happy go lucky colleague.
(Dodo, Barbara, Liz Shaw, and Mike Yates??????)
Groovy DVD Extras -
Footage from a 1983 BBC Special Effects Documentary in which
a member of the special effects team is asked if he thinks
the Ergon design went to far and proved too scary for children
and responds by laughing so hard he has to be rushed to the hospital.
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: I'm sorry, I don't have any Guilders. Would you take
Euros? They'll be good in 20 years or so...Oh wait...
These are English Euros with King William V. Ummm..
those might take a little bit longer to come into use....this
is so embarrassing. Would you take these British Dollars from
a parallel dimension with King Aethelwulf IX?
Dialogue Triumphs -
Nyssa: This doesn't make sense Doctor.
Doctor: What doesn't?
Nyssa: You said the humans of this century don't know about the
existence of strange alien creatures.
Doctor: Yes that's right.
Nyssa: But, this pimp, he's an alien that looks NOTHING like a human.
Doctor: Yes Nyssa. Well, think of it this way. If you were human,
and if you were in Amsterdam, and if you saw a giant chicken
walking calmly across the red light district -- you'd probably
think it was time to go home after a long evening in a coffee
shop. This is the perfect city for aliens.
Viewer Quotes -
"WTF?!?!! This story's big sin was the way Tegan was reintroduced.
What a coincidence that Tegan should go to Amsterdam to eek out life
as a prostitute and her pimp would JUST HAPPEN to be an old friend
of the Doctor's whom he JUST HAPPENED to visit after he got a little
hot and bothered over the treatment he suffered at the hands of Omigod."
- John Kroketten (August 1983)
"I've heard of style over substance. But this story was
style over style! There was no substance to be found -- which
is almost impossible in Amsterdam!"
- Charles Daniels, Bitchy Fan Review Monthly, December 1994
"When I saw this on UK Gold recently, I thought 'GREAT!! Michael
Palin is in Amsterdam!!' It was only a few moments later I realised
it wasn't a travelogue programme." - Dave Erwtensoep (July 1997)
"I downloaded the original script for this story, the rough
draft version when it was still called "The Tulips of Death".
It was way better. A lot more exploration of the Red Light District
and a lot less plot. How the hell we ended up with this version,
I'll never figure out." - Spamboy2001 (November 2003)
(Ed. Note: The "Tulips of Death" version is available only on eBay.
I should know. I wrote it myself. For money. I'd say I was sorry
for the fraud. But I'm not. I LOVE money.)
"I usually identify with the villain in Doctor Who. But Omigod
was one villain I could never come around to. I think the moment
that really illustrated for me was Omigod's moment of happiness by
the barrel organ in Amsterdam. I could NEVER be happy with barrel organ
music droning on about me!! And I would have crushed that kid's head."
- Sam Asperges (March 1993)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"THE TULIPS ARE TALKING TO ME MAN!!! MAKE 'EM STOP!!! OH GOD!!
MAKE 'EM STOP!!!!"
Peter Davison Speaks!
"You know life is full of coincidences. I remember when we were
filming the Arc of Sinifinity, we were terribly worried. John and the
whole production staff, and really a great deal of the BBC, had been
looking for Janet Fielding as she was meant to come back for the season.
When she didn't turn up we weren't sure what do to, and eventually we
just had go to Amsterdam to start filming.
Anyway, one night John and I just happened to find ourselves in the red
light district and who was there BUT Janet! We rescued her from the red
light district! What are the odds?
It's just the sort of thing that no one believes. Amazing how they
were able to work it into the script. I don't know if the plucked
chicken monster was a reference to her actual pimp or..well..something
Rumors & Facts -
The production staff realised that now they had finally rid themselves
of Tom Baker, that they could FINALLY go to Amsterdam for location
shooting. Serial 4P was briefly considered with an Amsterdam setting
but this was dropped when the Netherlands was unwilling to allow
Tom Baker into the country citing the now infamous 1969 incident.
It is interesting to note that in 2002 the Netherlands temporarily
reconsidered Tom Baker's ban after he starred in a series of uplifting
advertisments for P&O Ferries. However, 14 hours after being admitted
into the Rotterdam Europort, Tom Baker was again deported and is still
currently under investigation by the EU.
JST commissioned a script from Johnny Byrne and specified that
he needed a story which would feature Amsterdam as a key plot element,
reunite Tegan with the Doctor, and involve political intrigue.
When JST was asked why he was so intent on an Amsterdam setting for
the serial he invariably came up with multiple illogical reasons
before finally breaking down and admitting to being an extremely sad
Byrne, having agreed to JST restraints, submitted a script entitled
"The Time Of Doom". In "The Time of Doom" the Doctor has been having
homoerotic nightmares about a masculine being from a parallel universe
who steals his body and takes it on a joyride through Amsterdam sex
The production staff had immediate concerns about "The Time Of Doom" -
First of all it followed none of the requirements that Byrne had agreed
to - The Amsterdam location was incidental to the plot, failed to
mention Tegan, and involved absolutely no hint of political intrigue.
Most of all the production staff were DEEPLY concerned because, after
reading the script, JST WANTED TO DO IT ANYWAY! In fact they had to
stop JST from spending the entire budget on matador costumes and baby
Fan advisers, veteran Who writers, and the script editor joined
forces to convince JST that the story could be revamped to include
an old villain, expand Gallifreyian mythos, AND still have some sort
of kinky element. At first JST seemed unconvinced, and no one was
quite sure how to deliver all these various aspects into one story.
After countless days and nights of pondering, speculating, brainstorming
and drinking -- the concept of the Sinfinity Chamber was born.
The Arc of Sinfinity was first broadcast in 1983, and since that time
fans have often looked back, pondered it's meaning, and declared it
a huge pile of crap. I for one am in no rush to contradict them.
On a quirky note, one day during rehearsal, JST jokingly said to
the actor playing Maxil that if something horrible were to happen to
Peter Davison, he'd just have to use him in the role instead.
>From that second onward Colin Baker was on the move to kill Peter
Davison on screen and off.