THE FOUR-AND-A-HALF DOCTORS
An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Thirty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Matic
Serial 6K - THE FOUR-AND-A-HALF DOCTORS -
The Doctor has brought his companions to a place that he claims
is the Eye of Orion, the most peaceful place in the universe.
They have come here to rest and relax, but elsewhere in time and
space a dark and ominous figure is playing a sadistic game with time.
A blocky, black triangle locates the first Doctor smoking opium in
a country garden and swallows him hole. At first the Doctor is
confused and thinks this is fabulous - but soon realises he has
been removed from reality. This hardly represents a change however
as the Doctor has always been deeply removed from reality.
The mysterious player places a first Doctor chess set game piece
on a multi-faceted game board -- thus proving his total insanity -
he has gone so far into his obsession of role playing that he
has hand painted figures of various Doctor Who characters just
lying around his secret lair. The mysterious figure rolls three
six sided dice and a crazed laugh is heard echoing through the room.
As the dice land next to the first Doctor doll, the Fifth Doctor
falls to the ground and screams "MY GOD!! That felt like a 14!"
His companions are concerned and the Doctor explains that he is
experiencing a sharp twinge of "cosmic angst" -- as if he'd lost a
saving throw. As more and more of his past is swept out of the
timestream, he grows steadily worse, and staggers back to the TARDIS
with Tegan and Turlough, desperate to locate his 4d20.
The Second Doctor arrives at UNIT HQ for a reunion party. The Doctor
knows about this party after reading the next's days paper which
was full of scandal over an impromptu orgy that apparently broke out.
The Doctor apparently has decided that he must be there to help out.
After successfully bewildering and disturbing the new head of UNIT,
the Doctor and the Brigadier are kicked out of the party.
On the grounds of UNIT HQ the two friends reminisce over old times
as the Brigadier kicks the Doctor silly for ruining his retirement
orgy. But as he prepares to garrote his old friend, they are swept
up in a cheap BBC Micro special computer effect.
The Third Doctor is taken while running down medieval peasants
with Bessie; Sarah Jane Smith is captured in the mist of repeatedly
kicking the K-9 robot she got for Christmas; and the Fourth Doctor
is taken when ranting about his true identity as Rasputin to Romana,
but things go seriously wrong -- the Fourth Doctor and Romana are
caught up in a time eddy.
The Fifth Doctor desperately attempts to roll four 20-sided dice
but faints when he sees the results. At first his companions are
deeply relieved as the Doctor has finally stopped gibbering like
an idiot and demanding to know his weight in coins. However when
the Fifth Doctor's body begins to fade away the companions are
touched with deep concern and anxiety -- the Doctor is the only one
onboard smart enough to operate the door.
Meanwhile, The High Council of Time Lords calls forth the Bastard.
The time lords explain to the suave, young, and evil Bastard that
the Doctor has been completely removed from time. They plead for
him to save the Doctor. The Bastard leans back, laughs out loud
and leaves with a thrilling sense of victory.
The Time Lords are annoyed, but not surprised. They call forth
the contemporary incarnation of the Bastard. Again they explain
the situation and this time the Bastard agrees.
Against their better judgement, the Time Lords allow the Bastard
to take along another one of his regenerations - in the form of a
The two must enter an area known as The Death Zone, a dark secret
held in the heart of Gallifrey. Somehow this area has been
reactivated WITHOUT the proper licences and fees being paid.
The Time Lords are deeply disturbed that there isn't even a permit
on file. They assume that whomever rented out this area for
sporting events is responsible for the kidnapping of the Doctor.
The First Doctor is reunited with Susan in a maze of mirrors, but
there is also a Dustbin present in the maze. It pursues them, shooting
thick wads of suddy water at them. The Doctor insists that they
must pit their wits against the Dustbin and defeat it through a
clever usage of alien psychology -- while he explains this, Susan
throws a sonic grenade at it and blows it into a million pieces.
A squelching green mutant emerges from inside the creature, and
in a scene which illustrates its horrific single-mindedness, it
begins to mop up the mess around it, completely ignoring our heroes.
Susan congratulates herself for her quick thinking, but the
Doctor quickly scolds her - reminding her that only their first
dilemma has been solved. They are still lost in the heart of a
fiendish mirror maze. Annoyed at her grand dad stealing her thunder
she picks up the old man and throws him at a nearby wall. The mirror
shatters exposing the outside world - they see the Tomb of Rassilon
and know they are in the Death Zone on Gallifrey.
The Doctor suggests they stay the hell away from the Dark Tower
as the mind of Rassilon will certainly over power them and crush
them like ants. Susan simply ignores him and strides off into danger.
The Doctor follows Susan and they soon encounter the TARDIS. When
they enter they are shocked to find two people in incredibly ugly
clothes -- Tegan and Turlough. The pair are tending to their
unconscious version of the Doctor and are shocked when the first
Doctor boldly strides over and pinches Tegan's bottom.
Tegan slaps the old man silly and demands to know who these newcomers
Luckily, the Fifth Doctor recovers and explains to everyone what's
going on -- which is deeply strange because he's spent all this
time completely unconscious. The Fifth Doctor and First Doctor
immediately launch into a war over who can boss around the companions
in the most irritating fashion. And eventually, feeling outclassed,
the Fifth Doctor sets off with Tegan and Susan toward the Dark Tower.
Meanwhile the Second Doctor rescues the Brigadier from a brutal
molestation at the hands, and various other parts, of the Cybermen.
As they run for their lives the Doctor explains the Death Zone to
the Brigadier. The Death Zone was the area that the Time Lords used
to carry out horrific experiments and blood chilling games. The
Doctor says that officially he was appalled at the behaviour but
secretly he held season tickets and used to gamble like a man
possessed. He deeply hopes that they are not playing the game
of Rassilon at the moment -- because he surely wouldn't have bet
on himself and the Brigadier surviving more than 20 seconds.
Elsewhere, The Third Doctor is reunited with Sarah when he rescues
her from a level plain. The Doctor gives precisely the same
explanation to Sarah that we just heard, thus padding out the
adventure. Sarah Jane mentions that the Doctor she knew went
all teeth and curls, travelled with talking robot dogs, and thought
he was Rasputin. The Doctor seems completely annoyed at this news
and then mentions that the Sarah Jane he knew had a moustache and
hated all men with a violent passion.
As they approach the Tower, the Bastards find the Doctor and Sarah
Jane. The Bastards speak and bark loudly at the Doctor but he
simply refuses to believe them. Even after an elaborate explanation
involving a giant inflatable ball and several nose punches -- the
Doctor is unmoved - "Anyone could say that!"
Later on the Bastard encounters the Fifth Doctor, Tegan and Susan.
They don't believe the Bastards' story either, even after an even
MORE elaborate explanation involving a hoop and several fish.
Before the humanoid Bastard can launch into his own explanation
they are shot at by Cybermen. After a long and confusing struggle
the Doctor and sea lion Bastard are transported back to the capitol.
The Fifth Doctor is completely surprised to find himself back
safely and apologises to the sea lion, who makes an incredibly rude
flipper gesture and storms off.
The Doctor confronts the Time Lord council. He explains that
someone totally evil must be in charge of the time scoop - and
this makes him suspect it was another time lord. The council
seems completely shocked by the idea. But the Doctor asks which
alien race could possibly subvert Gallifreyian security, and figure
out the location and usage of an ancient and banned piece of
technology? In essence his argument is that the notion a time lord
is involved is damned obvious.
Borusa points the finger at the Castellan and orders him to be
interrogated - this scene leads to the completely inappropriate,
and mood breaking, song and dance number "Let's Use The Mind Probe
Again!" Which was cheaply ripped off from Rocky Horror Picture
The number ends with the gleeful, summary execution of the Castellan.
Borusa insists that the time lord system of justice - in this case
trial via impromptu musical performance - is never wrong.
But the Doctor isn't convinced that the truth has been revealed. The
Castellan was stubborn and close-minded, and he couldn't hold a note
or sing in tune to save his life -- (literally!), but he wasn't
an insane deranged criminal. Something else is going on...
Inside the Death Zone the Second Doctor and Brigadier are being
attacked by a ravenous Teletubby. The Doctor tries to drive it off
by repeatedly hitting it in the head with a cricket bat, but this
just maddens it and it nearly brings a cave wall down on the Doctor
and the Brigadier while trying to get to them.
The Third Doctor and Sarah are pursued by a squadron of randy
Cybermen - who desperately want to capture them and use them for
a variety of acts involving pneumatic pumps. When they near
the cliffs the Doctor screams like a frightened girl. Sarah
asks him what's wrong and the Doctor points out a strange creature -
"That Sarah Jane, is a Zarbi. The most efficient killing machine
to ever naturally evolve on any planet."
Sarah Jane looks dubiously at the clumsy ant creature. Her sense
of awe is then further extinguished when a robot appears from mid-air
and kills the Zarbi instantly.
"That Sarah Jane, is a Rasta Warrior Robot. The most efficient
killing machine ever artificially created on any planet. Old
Rassilon sure knows how to pick them!"
The Third Doctor informs Sarah Jane that she must be utterly
still, and does this by speaking loudly and hand gesturing wildly.
He explains that the robot can hone in on movement, any movement.
And to illustrate this he starts to skip about warning "So you
definitely don't want to do anything like this."
The robot looks boredly at the Doctor and then zips off to kill
some more challenging Cybermen. While the Doctor and Sarah Jane
enjoy the spectacle of robotic slaughter they flee towards a
conveniently located cave. Luckily the Rasta Warrior Robot is
also a devoted abseiler, and has all the equipment the Doctor
and Sarah will need to reach the Dark Tower.
Meanwhile, at the front door of the Dark Tower, The First Doctor and
Tegan are in a full scale war to see who can be more bitchy. For
once the First Doctor is sweating bullets and fears defeat. Soon
after they enter the Tower together they find a chessboard design is
laid out in the main hallway. The sign in front of the chessboard
design reads "Welcome To the Tomb OF Rassilon. To Purchase tickets
please proceed forward to the main lobby."
Before them, just beyond the sign, hundreds of death alien bodies
cover the floor, their faces screwed up into looks of abject terror.
Cunningly, the Doctor deduces that this is a trap.
The Doctor immediately hits upon the idea of using Tegan "as a sheep
to clear out the mind field you might say, hmm?" He urges her to
try and cross the floor, so he can use her to figure out the safe
route. Tegan asks if this isn't going to almost certainly KILL HER,
and the Doctor clasps his hands, smiles, and suggests that it would
be a great service to him, their mission, and his nerves.
Before the Doctor can successfully push Tegan into the chessboard
the Bastard arrives with the Cybermen. The Bastard, seeking revenge
for being mistrusted, offers the Cybermen a second chance to have
fun with the First Doctor. But their minds are clouded and they
walk across the chessboard to their certain death. The Bastard
is deeply annoyed at how stupid the Cybermen have become, and
for a laugh draws out a complex diagram for the First Doctor and
Tegan to show them the safe way across. The diagram reveals the
complex secret to surviving the puzzle - simply avoid the
square marked "Caution: Death Lasers".
As the Doctors approach the Tomb at the heart of the Tower, they
are confronted by the ghosts of long forgotten companions who blame
the Doctor for their complex personal and social problems.
The Third Doctor is forced to listen to heavy amounts of criticism
from Liz Shaw, Mike Yates, and even his own car, Bessie.
The Second Doctor and the Brigadier also encounter Jamie and Zoe,
who beg them to go back. But when the pair claim not to know who the
Doctor and Brigadier actually are a light clicks on in the Doctor's
head. "As part of your punishment, the Time Lords FORCED you to
remember EVERY SECOND of your adventures with me!
So how is that that you can't recall us! HMM?!"
When Jamie and Zoe are unable to give an immediate answer the
Doctor rushes forward - disrupting a force field and killing them
both. "Oh damn! Seems I've taken that gamble one to many times.
Oh well. The Cybermen will clean up the mess --- and, ummm, make
The Brigadier and Doctor continue onwards to the Tomb of Rassilon,
and soon the first three Doctors are reunited. All of the companions
gather together in a massive group therapy session and share their
wounds. Meanwhile, the Doctors try to decipher a bunch of random
symbols that Rassilon scrawled around the place for a bit of dramatic
The Fifth Doctor returns to the Council chambers, ready to sing
a riveting and emotionally touching song about his doubts of the
time lord musical trial and the woes of being a young Dutch girl -
when to his dismay he finds Borusa absent and the chambers empty.
Luckily, the Doctor finds an electric harp in a disused corner and
decides to practice his song whilst waiting for Borusa to return.
When the Doctor starts to play "Holiday In the Sun" by the Sex
Pistols - he discovers a secret panel opened by that very sequence
Curious the Doctor enters the secret chamber and, to his shock
and amazement, sees the crazed and demented face of the dark-clad
player - The Fourth Doctor! With an insane grin the Fourth Doctor
explains how he hand-crafted and hand-painted each doll for the
gameboard representing the Death Zone.
"Players, monsters, a dangerous setting - old lovers, old enemies,
the occasional hallucination and random accidental snuffing of
a few innocents -- a game. Just a game."
"You're breaking all the laws of time!"
"What? Even the one about the Goat?"
"Well....perhaps, all but one."
"Why? Am I killing my own grandfather?"
"Umm...well obviously, not ALL the laws of time. But a great
many of them!"
"They say that laws were made to be broken. But I think laws were
made to be un-made. To be un-broken. To be un-laws in un-time
un-happening. LOOK AT ME!! How long was I the Doctor?"
"A very good and long time. And a good job you did as well.
It's only right that you should be so highly thought of...but..
"And then I had to REGENERATE! Change into you. And then...into
"I see! So you want to exist in our own time line! Have a complete
existence, separate, for yourself."
"HA! Call that an ambition?! I WAS THE DOCTOR! I *AM* THE DOCTOR!
And soon I shall re-structure time! There will be no Doctor but ME.
My essence will supplant every regeneration. I shall be the Doctor
ETERNAL! And endless, perpetual, monument to PERFECTION! And then...
I shall be the Doctor which stole away the school teachers. I will
be the Doctor which travelled with the Scotsman. I Will be the
Doctor who worked with UNIT with Liz Shaw. I shall be the Doctor who
banished the Mara beyond the universe. AND I SHALL BE THE DOCTOR
WHO HAD SEX WITH FELICITY KENDALL!"
"Ummm....we've never had sex with Felicity Kendall."
"NOT YET!! It's the first thing on my list after "Taking Over the
"Excuse me. You're a bit unhinged."
"LOOK AT ME!! YOU WILL BOW BEFORE ME!"
"Totally unhinged in fact."
"GAZE!! YOU CAN NOT RESIST! FOR *I* WEAR --- THE TIARA OF RASSILON!"
"The tiara of the Rassilon?"
"Yes! Not only was Rassilon the most potent Time Lord to have ever
existed -- but he was also a fabulous cross dresser."
Meanwhile the other Doctors translate the inscription and learn the
secret of Rassilon and the Time Lords -- all of time lord civilization
is based loosely on Abba lyrics. But what does "I Feel Like I Win
When I Lose" really mean?
Before they can sort out exactly which Abba lyrics control their
destiny and exactly how they feel about that - the Fourth Doctor
arrives with a zombie like Fifth Doctor in tow. Unfortunately,
as the First Doctor has met the Fifth Doctor and has a good grasp
of his personality, he doesn't notice any difference at all and
addresses him normally.
The Fourth Doctor sends a series of encrypted commands to the
Fifth Doctor which order him to immediately kill the previous
Doctors. But before the Fifth Doctor can act the Fourth Doctor
is distracted by the sudden spectral appearance of Rassilon in
a classic 1950s dinner dress.
Rassilon approaches the Fourth Doctor and offers him the prize
he seeks - to eliminate all other versions of himself and take
their places. The Doctor reaches out to Rassilon with great lust
and desire -- either physical or for the prize Rassilon offers
isn't clear - when he is suddenly STUNNED by a red laser beam.
Everyone turns in amazement to see K-9 trundling forward at
about half-a-mile-an-hour. "Of course!! I was kicking him
when I got sucked up!" Offers Sarah Jane.
Rassilon for his part seems completely thrown. "Yes...well...
it is TRADITIONAL in these occasions to offer the victor of the
conflict the prize! SMALL, ANIMATED SHOE BOX! DO YOU CRAVE TO
BE THE DOCTOR IMMORTAL?"
The Fifth Doctor is freed of his mental bond and immediately
demands a temporal punishment for his former self. All the other
Doctor disagree however -
Third Doctor: Actually, the chap got ahead of me.
Second Doctor: OH YES! I've been planning to do this for years.
First Doctor: HMM! HMM!! You two haven't a chance! NO! After
meeting all of you..I'm afraid it will have to be ME.
Fifth Doctor: What?? Well...I didn't know..I was such a...such a..
Third Doctor: Self-back-stabbing Bastard?
Fifth Doctor: Quite.
First Doctor: (to Fifth) I'm actually very disappointed in you! Very
much indeed. I'd have a lot more respect if this was
all some sick twisted scheme to gain our trust and
kill us all. You could learn a lot from your friend
with the stupid scarf! Quite a lot I say!
Rassilon releases the Fourth Doctor back into the timestream,
reminding the Fifth Doctor that he will face punishment in his due
time -- he also travelled with Adric.
The Doctors eye each other suspiciously and back away from each
other never letting themselves out of eye shot.
The Fifth Doctor, Tegan and Turlough watch as the others are
transported back to their proper place in the timestream. Time
Lord riot police arrive, see the situation is under control, and
then just beat the Doctor senseless anyway.
Recovering from his various injuries, and with his spine full
regrown, Councillor Flavia arrives and informs the Doctor that
Borusa was a pawn of the Fourth Doctors and has been removed from
government due to his association. In a radical, and some say,
completely illogical political process -- this now means the Doctor
must head the government. Confused, worried, and having to think
quickly on his feet - the Doctor throws scalding hot tea into
the Councillor's face and runs like hell.
The Doctor and companions return to the TARDIS and quickly lock
the doors. The Doctor then sets the co-ordinates to take him far
away from Gallifrey, as quickly as possible.
Tegan: Wait a minute. You've just thrown hot scalding tea into
the face of a high ranking government official, and then
escaped in a faulty time machine you can even steer properly?
Doctor: Why not! That's how it all started!
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who - The Six Doctors (Confused editions only)
Doctor Who: The Bastards of Time
Loving Yourself, Killing Yourself, Inviting Yourself Out For Sushi
Fluffs - Hurndall seemed confused for most of this story
Troughton seemed high for most of this story
Pertwee seemed robustly heterosexual for most of this story
Tom Baker seemed absent for most of this story
Davison seemed nice for most of this story
Hartnell seemed dead for most of this story
If the Fourth Doctor wanted the Doctors to be gathered in the Tomb
of Rassilon -- WHY THE HELL DID HE TRY TO KILL THE HELL OUT OF THEM
WITH DEADLY MONSTERS!?! (Oh right, since when did a Zarbi actually
Fashion Victims - Tegan's useless pineapple bra in the food serving
scene aboard the TARDIS
Speaking to Third Doctor -
Second Doctor: OH FOR CHRISTSAKES!! STOP REVERSING THE POLARITY
OF THE NEUTRON FLOW!! YOU'VE REVERSED IT SO MANY
GODDAMN TIMES, I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT WAY IT WAS
FLOWING ORIGINALLY, MUCH LESS NOW!!!
Links and References -
The 4th Doctor asks for details of Adric's death and listens with
rapt attention commenting - "More adjective please!"
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Felicity Kendall thing for a start.
Also the Second Doctor mentions fighting a race of kangaroos
with Ak-47s, adventures beyond his trial on Gallifrey, and
even mentions that "the Crystal of Discontinuity" now allows
him to remember his future.
Groovy DVD Extras -
Region 1: A commentary track and easter egg featuring 3rd generation
video tape of the infamous "Doctor Who Cast Orgy of 1983"
Region 2: Interactive menus
Dialogue Disasters -
Sergeant: I'm sorry, you're not allowed in there.
Second Doctor: NOT ALLOWED?! I'm allowed every where!! NOW BEND OVER!
(About his own continuity)
Second Doctor: I'm not exactly BREAKING the laws of time - but
I am doing a rather fascinating imitation of a pretzel.
Third Doctor: You're here to help me?? HELP! I never heard such
Bastard: As you can see I am travelling with a sea lion.
Third Doctor: Stolen from a zoo no doubt.
Bastard: He is a past incarnation of myself. Now obviously
the time lords would never allow us to work together,
without their special consent.
Third Doctor: You call that proof?? THIS IS A TRAP!
Doctor: Much like Alice, I try to chase giant furry rabbits down
holes....call it a fetish if you like.
Borusa: You accuse a time lord of using the Death Zone?
Doctor: Well it's a bit obvious. I mean if you were going to
violate the laws of time, and YOU weren't a time lord -
Why violate them on Gallifrey? Just to piss off a collection
of god-like beings with control of the universe?
Borusa: A weak argument.
Doctor: AND THE ZARBI! My TARDIS traced Zarbi life signs.
Only someone truly insane would put the Zarbi in the
same category with the Cybermen. And of course....the
ultimate piece of evidence. The Bastard was carrying this.
(The Doctor produced a small object)
Borusa: And what is that meant to be?
Doctor: It's a battery operated sex toy. Powerful. Highly compact.
And knowing the Bastard, It's the ONE thing he'd be sure
to have on him at all times. AND INSIDE......ummm...two
Borusa: And this proves?
Doctor: Well, umm, I was hoping for some sort of homing beacon or
tracking device. But, the batteries might come in useful.
I've got something back in the TARDIS I'd like to try out...
umm..now where was I? OH YES!! This battery operated sex
toy doesn't prove a damned thing, and I'd like to wash my
hands now if you don't mind.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: The Eye of Orion. Some people claim it's the most
peaceful place in the galaxy.
Tegan: I reminds me of Wales, after a thunder storm.
Doctor: Yes. Same cause and effect. Positively charged ions
filling the atmosphere.
Turlough: You know Tegan, it IS eerily like Llanfrothen,
Wales. Right down the to ruins.
Doctor: Same cause and effect!! The dictates of stone wall
defenses, the same throughout the universe.
Turlough: Possibly. I went on a school trip to Llanfrothen a few
years ago. Oh look! I even carved my name into a rock
that looked EXACTLY like that one about 10 feet ahead of us.
Doctor: Umm..sedimentary rocks are common through the universe you
know! They all look incredibly similar if you ask me.
Turlough: Are you sure you haven't landed in Llanfrothen, Wales
and just decided to try to pass it off as the Eye of Harmony
hoping we wouldn't notice?
Doctor: OF COURSE NOT!!
Turlough: Alright Doctor, I believe you. Now, if you'll excuse me
I'm just off to buy a flake from the ice cream van.
Anyone got 99p?
Borusa: You are the most evil and corrupt being this Time Lord
race has ever produced. Your villiany without end and
your crimes without number.
Bastard: Please continue. It sounds like you are the president
of my fan club, as well as the Time Lords.
Borusa: We need your help. The Doctor no longer exists. His
incarnations have been removed from history.
Bastard: All of them?
Borusa: The past and the present incarnations exist only within
the Death Zone. Their time traces converge there.
Bastard: What about his future incarnations? Certainly it would be
in their personal interests to help.
Borusa: (Uncomfortable) We have other uses for them.
We can offer you a full pardon for your crimes.
An alternative to your renegade existence.
Bastard: Interesting. Tell me. Why did you choose THIS incarnation?
Is there something particularly...wonderful about me?
Borusa: We've just finished talking to an earlier incarnation.
He was unco-operative. We were hoping you might be more...
unstable. We need you. Will you help us?
Bastard: First, you must ask me pretty please. And then you
must offer me a completely new regenerative cycle.
And then...I would like an ice cream.
Borusa: So you will help us?
Bastard: And rescue the Doctor. Hmmm....A universe without the
Doctor scarcely bears thinking about. Deep down I've...
well....we were young. The academy fostered such a deep
longing. The way we would gently--
Borusa: WILL YOU HELP US?!
Bastard: Yeah. What the hell.
(The scene immediately before the one above)
Borusa: You are determined, ruthless, experienced and cunning.
Bastard: And expendable?
Borusa: Hardly. If you were die we would be forced to contact
one of your future incarnations. Either the grinning
comic book villain of our own time -- or, a certain..
Bastard: So you expect me to help the Doctor?
What could you possibly offer for such a service?
Borusa: A full pardon for your crimes. You could rejoin
Time Lord society. All you must do, is SAVE the Doctor!
Bastard: (Laughs outloud incredibly hard) Goodbye, Lord President.
And goodbye - DOCTOR!
[To the Doctors]
Brigadier: Splendid fellows...now get your hand off my bottom.
Second Doctor: Oh shit! We could be playing the game of Rassilon
at this very moment!
Brigadier: I take it by your tone they don't expect us to win?
Second Doctor: No Brigadier. They expect us to die!
Viewer Quotes -
"I don't think this is canon. Nothing is canon except the
first 13 minutes of Serial 4G!!!"
- Uberfan, rec.arts.drwho (1993)
"Cyber-puke man! When the Rasta Warrior Robot kills those
Cybermen like goldfish -- sold me. Love it."
- Charles Daniels (2004)
"When I was young, I had such a crush on Sarah Jane. After
seeing this story, I just spent the next three years of my life
wishing that I was K-9. I thought, 'You know, if I was K-9,
I bet I'd see Sarah Jane Smith bend over a lot. And then she
would pet me.'" - Scary Fan, Gallifrey Convention (1999)
"HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET HARTNELL TO DO THIS?! He's been
dead 8 years now!" - Casual Viewer (1983)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"I once told an alien that I had a miniature death zone hidden
in a pan-dimensional vortex in my car. The bastard wouldn't believe
me. It was going to be a BIG joke when I got him to get inside
my car and see that there WAS no pan-dimensional vortex...but
in the end the joke was on me when I slipped into the driver's
seat and found myself on a planet where the Roman empire had never
fallen and I was a wanted spice smuggler. So umm..that's why I
missed this story."
Peter Davison Speaks!
"Really all great fellows with work with. Brilliant people all
of them. Mind you, I did have the occasional problem with
Jon. And there was that unfortunate incident with Pat. And well,
as for me and Hurndall..he wasn't Hartnelly enough for me. There
was some bad blood there. And of course, when Tom kissed me, it
all started going downhill."
JON PERTWEE SPEAKS!
"I'm a great believer in all things being possible. I shouldn't
be in the least disconcerted if awoke one morning to find a bug-eyed
monster from outerspace sleeping in bed with me - I hope I do -
and I've met ghosts and poltergeists many times. And I would like
to amend an earlier comment - There is nothing more terrifying
than coming home and finding Tom Baker sitting on your loo in
PATRICK TROUGHTON SPEAKS!
"Oh yes, it's fabulous to have everyone together you know. I thought
it was such a shame that Tom got to be the naughty one. I can be
naughty too. You can't always be nice -- you have to subvert the
laws of time and space sometimes, don't you? I wouldn't want the
children to think that the Doctor was wicked, or evil, or somesuch.
But..where do you think he gets all those penny sweets? And why
does he always offer them to strangers? I'm not suggesting anything.
I'm just deeply and morbidly curious. Isn't that fun?"
Tom Baker Speaks!
"The Four-And-A-Half DOCTORS!! Yes! I remember it so clearly.
As if it were only yesterday. They had discovered, you see, the
complex system of tubing that I was using to inject whiskey directly
into my bloodstream, and from that moment I had to imbibe the old
fashioned way which was much slower -- so yes my brain actually was
capable of forming and retaining memory patterns for a brief period
of time. I really, and desperately, wanted to be the baddie.
And I insisted that I would only return to Doctor Who if I got
to play the baddie and kiss Peter Davison. I made frivolous
demands back in those days. Before I realised that actually I
should just demand to be paid and be beautiful.
So, I constructed a character called The Estate Agent.
And the Estate Agent was meant to be a godlike being of
But they were so keen that I return as the Doctor.
And so I became the naughty Doctor and got to wear this
fabulous black number with a tiara. It was heavenly.
Simply heavenly. I wondered briefly if wearing a tiara
and kissing a blonde man might make me APPEAR homosexual,
but this was the 80s. So I doubt any one noticed."
Rumors & Facts -
Due to a lapse in counting, the first version of this story was
titled The Six Doctors. In it, the Second through Fifth Doctors are
are lured to the planet Queeblo where a new death metal band
"The Bastard And the Cybermen" have been collecting the souls of
passing aliens. The Doctors are forced to join together as
"The Six Doctors" and form an upbeat pop band with a "positive
After defeating the Cybermen in a dramatic light and laser show
stage performance, the Doctors must also stop the Bastard, who has
supercharged his TARDIS to create a massive speaker system capable
of laying gigantic crowds into audial submission. The Bastards
message of hate and a denial of Jesus threatens all of time and space.
A full story breakdown of all this was commissioned a year in
advance, but even at this point, Saward and Satan-Turner were
becoming concerned. Saward suggested they seek out a reserve
storyline which didn't involve moving rock anthems praising god.
This version progressed throughout August and September, going so
far as to have a complete script of the first 20 minutes of the
story. However, after hearing Jon Pertwee sing the title song
"The Saviour Will Save Ya!", everyone concluded that things were not
working out, and burnt the script in a BBC furnace.
A new version of the script was needed, and this time the writer
they commissioned had some sense of reality. Terrance Dicks DEMANDED
to know just which characters were actually going to be in the
story so he could structure it logically.
As it transpired, none of The Second Doctor's companions were
available for the production. Michael Craze (Ben Jackson) and Anneke
Wills (Polly) had both gone into hiding; Frazer Hines (Jamie
McCrimmon) was busy filing restraining orders against Tom Baker
who has walked into shots in Emmerdale demanding that he was
a new farmer in the area named Rasputin; Deborah Watling
(Victoria Waterfield) was involved in a drug/sex/murder cult;
and Wendy Padbury (Zoe Heriot) wanted to be paid.
Several other companion appearances similarly fell through.
Originally, Katy Manning (Jo Grant) was to join the Third Doctor and
the Brigadier, until it was realised that the actress was now living
in a nudist colony, a devoted naturalist, and the cost of 'blurring'
effects for television proved prohibitive. John Levene (Benton) was
to appear as Colonel Crichton's second-in-command, but Levene had
just moved to Egypt in a failed career bid to become a professional
Pyramid impersonator. JST had hoped that Ian Marter (Harry Sullivan)
might also appear alongside the Fourth Doctor; until scheduling
difficulties dictated otherwise. Unfortunately, Marter was in the
midst of looking for a plausible excuse to not appear in the
programme. Finally, it was briefly thought that Louise Jameson might
make a cameo appearance as Leela during one of the Capitol
scenes, but Jameson couldn't be bothered to show up, and repeatedly
mentioned that K-9 would be a good cameo in her place.
And of course Lalla Ward was still attempting to exhaust her supply
of four-lettered words to describe Tom Baker or the idea of ever
seeing him outside the sights of a fully loaded shotgun.
Tom Baker was, himself, not easy to land. The production team had
to live up to a long list of demands - That he be the baddie, that
he kiss Peter Davison, that he be allowed to experiment with
alcoholic Ribena between takes, that his rubber duck Jerrold be
given a starring role, that his signature scarf be replaced with a
t-shirt reading "I Shot JR", and so on and so on.
A major difficulty arose during the filming. There is a scene
in which the Doctor and Sarah making their way from the mountainside
to the Dark Tower. In the script the Third Doctor turns his cape
into a hangglider. When Pertwee tried this, he discovered that
the costuming department had fitted him with the wrong cape,
and he plunged sharply. The crew suggested he try multiple more
times before the cause of the problem was discovered. This caused
for an emergency scene to be recorded to explain the various
cuts, bruises and fractured ribs now obvious. In an unscripted,
last minute scene of total desperation, the Doctor explains to
Sarah Jane - "Sorry it took me to long to reach the cliff. I've
just been beaten shitless by the Cybermen off camera."
Now that the cloak proved unfeasible, JST suggested that the Doctor
constructs a bow and arrow from some funny shaped rocks laying
around the cliff face. Pertwee objected to this as being entirely
improbable, and incredibly stupid. Ultimately the director,
Moffatt, and Satan-Turner concurred. Pausing the production for an
hour, they finally conceived a more plausible plot device -
the robot they'd just killed was a keen abseiler.
The Four-And-A-Half Doctors stands out as a true anomaly.
I don't know what I mean by that actually. But it sounds like
a great line to end on. So --
The Four-And-A-Half Doctors stands out as a true anomaly.