Head From Ace

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fifty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Dandy
Extra Special Thanks To Finn Clark for the title!  And Super Special thanks
to Maddogg for the acronym to WANK!

 Serial AAA - Head From Ace -

  The Doctor has been forced into a new form by the Time Lords.  Dropped
 on earth after the Time Lords have had their naughty way with the Doctor,
 he is left to die for good.  It looks like the end but the moment has
 been prepared for.  A mysterious small figure shrouded in shadows has
 manipulated the laws of time and space to send back one human - a young
 woman named Ace - to assist the Doctor in his time of need.
  Ace arrives just in time to carry the unconscious Doctor to a hospital
 bed in top secret UNIT/WANK headquarters and begins to practice very
 unorthodox nursing methods...well I guess that depends on what she was
 nursing.  Anyway this goes on for several steamy hours.
   Meanwhile the entire world faces a threat.  A shower of glowing creme eggs
 fall on EsSEX and the Brigadier, which apparently hurts quite a lot.
 The New Recruited scientist Liz Shaw, from Hull, and the limping Brigadier
 decide to investigate the phenomenon.   Factory boss Cadbury is a Nestle -
 a member of an alien collective intelligence which colonizes planets
 by copying native life lifeforms.  Nestle have the amazing ability to
 control plastic and chocolate.  Cadbury is making both killer creme eggs
 and Autons, plastic mannequins able to fight and destroy, controlled
 by the Nestle consciousness.  He has also been making plastic replicas of
 beautiful women to seduce the leaders of major governments and seduce
 his way into power.
   Usually the Doctor would quickly make short work of pesky alien
 invaders from beyond the terrors of space, but his regeneration sickness
 is having the most unexpected affects upon him.  Ace has successfully
 corrupted the Doctor into being little more than a tough punk. She
 talks him into getting a tattoo on his arm and into stealing cars.
 This leads to a heart clutching cliffhanger as Ace climbs under the
 seat and begins to do things to the Doctor that seriously impair
 his ability to drive the stolen vehicle.
   However the Doctor's erratic driving saves the day when he accidentally
 runs over several Autons that were on their way to kill Shaw and the
 Brigadier.  Cadbury decides the time is right to unleash his irresistible
 replicas of lust.  The replicas go on a rampage molesting all they
 see, except the Doctor who has been completely sexually drained by Ace.
 The lust automatons have no effect on the Doctor.  The only person
 in the world left to help, he finally decides he better do something.
 He calmly walks up to the vile 65 foot tall squidoid Nestle monster,
 gives it a poke in the eyes ala Venusian aikido, and it dies dramatically
 for several minutes in a cheap negative effect.  The lust replicas
 cease to function and the world is saved.  Ace has completed her mission
 and is returned to her own timestream with the help of a time crystal.
 The Brigadier then tells Liz Shaw that all the lust replicas will
 be destroyed, however they really get stored away in WANK's collection
 of strange alien devices.  The Brigadier is also curious how the Doctor
 got involved with a girl like Ace.  He signs on the Doctor as a scientific
 advisor even though he secretly hopes some of the pretty girls who always
 seem to be hanging around the Doctor will come his way too.
   The Doctor demands facilities to fix the TARDIS, a yellow roadster known
 as Bessie, and that no one brings up the events of his actions on this
 fateful day ever again for legal reasons.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Gets Head From Ace
                         Doctor Mysterio Futurro Girly Fun Time!
                         Temporal Sex - The Guide To Pleasing Your Parter In
                         The Past And Possible Never Tense.

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed naked for most this story
          "Oh my!!  OH MY!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
          "That's not your line Professor!"
          "I know!!  Just don't stop...go on!"

 Fashion Victims - The Doctor discards clothes FAR too often, making us all
                   Does Ace really need a fully functional battle suit for

 Goofs - Why don't the Nestle kill the President of the United States
         after duplicating him, instead of just continuously seducing him?
         Why was Cadbury making creme eggs for Nestle?
         The Doctor gurns randomly.
         At the start of episode two the Doctor clutches his head before...
         oh nevermind!

 Technobabble - "No!  The vacuum pump is on override in the submatrix
                 quantifier!" Insists the dazed Doctor in bed.

 Links - The Doctor mentions he hasn't been blown away into space like this
         since The Enema of the World.

 Dialogue Disasters -

 ACE: Umm..UHHHHH!  MMhhmm!!

 BRIGADIER: So these creme eggs originate in outerspace do they?  Well,
            that might just mean they AREN'T FROM EARTH!

 DOCTOR: I haven't met such a nice and willing girl since Joan of Arc,

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 BRIGADIER: In the last ten years I've gone further and further
            with my flirting Miss Shaw, I've drawn attention to
            myself at last!

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "The fact they [lust replicas] so FIRMLY resembled fashion models
 and yet were completely devoid and taken from context of lude magazines
 made them all the more real!"   - Chris Punk (1979)

 "Well, I heard it had robots and I love robots so I watched and even
 though the story was compelling in so many ways, it seemed to lack
 that one special element that truly is Doctor Who.  Most people can't
 find a way to define that magical charm of Doctor Who but I can
 sum it up perfectly - "QUIRKS!"   - Creator of the Quirks (1990)

 "It depicted everything so perfectly - the horror, the uncanny realism.
 The monsters, the sex, the cheap negative effects. It was like watching
 2001 all over again without being in space, or having any of that
 higher evolution of mankind crap."  - Bad TV reviewer (1970)

 "Well I've never seen it, but I read The Auton Invasion and that ruled!"
  - TARGET Doctor Who Reader Poll (1983)

 "This was the first Doctor Who story I ever saw so it will always
 remain special to me.  I'm very happy I started off on Doctor Who
 that was so right - sex monsters, weird obscure continuity references,
 and the feeling that as unlikely as it seemed all this weird stuff
 must have been scripted."    - Charles Daniels (1999)

 Rumors & Facts -

  The Pertwee era started fiercely on the viewing audience of 1970.
 Fans were amazed that the BBC spent the extra dosh to broadcast the
 show in ALL COLOURS, and not just in sepia which had long been rumored.
 Many people have tried very hard to prove that this story couldn't
 possibly exist.  For instance Sophie Aldred, who plays Ace, would
 have only been seven years old when this was filmed.  The story however
 clearly establishes that some future mysterious devious being has
 sent Ace back through time to help the Doctor so this puts her well
 over jail bait age, at a guess a good 25 so will you temporal perverts
 get off everyone's case?
   The complex nature of UNIT/WANK has often confused fans.  The actual
 real secret name is World Allied Nations Killingforce.  This name is
 not very benevolent sounding so the OFFICIAL name on the signs and
 in the press is United Nations Intelligence Taskforce.  While this
 little bit of trivia did lead to a government organization that
 could do horribly evil things whilst sounding in the best interest
 for all, it did have some terrible unforeseen side effects.  Tragically
 millions of unfortunate sad 70s Doctor Who fans wore pins proudly
 reading "WANK the UNIT".    This pathetic choice of fashion accessory
 has scarred many a fan and BBC lawyer.  Today at Doctor Who conventions
 genuine 70s "WANK the UNIT" pins and badges sell for a good $15 a piece
 and most the people selling them are sad middle aged blokes who have
 never seen a woman naked beyond the Katy Manning photos.
   The entire WANK/UNIT concept made endless amounts of money for Doctor
 Who and was wildly popular.  Many fans of all ages called the special
 hotline to join the elite military organization at a time when they
 must have been seriously in need of trained\untrained and underaged
   It was during this era of Doctor Who that the show became so extremely
 and universally popular.   Some people suggest that the story lines
 were more cutting, more gripping, more realistic and therefore reached
 higher appreciation with the more discerning.  I think it's because it
 was in colour and the skirts were getting even shorter, but then what
 the hell do I know?
   With the new era came a new title sequence.  Designed, like previous
 ones, under the influence of mind altering substances, it has nice
 special touches like credits zooming toward the audience to scare
 the children and drunken adults.  The title sequence was also specially
 designed to accompany weird disjointed sound edits at the end of the
 programme which had the same sequence as the opening for the first time
 in Doctor Who's history, before the credits were either rolled over
 a black backround or over stock footage of William Hartnell cramming
 as much food into his mouth as humanly possible in 30 seconds.