Doctor Mysterio and the Silly Lurians
An alternate Programme Guide by
Fifty-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Reptiles
Extra Special Thanks To LJ for suggesting an idea (vague but true)
Serial BBB - Doctor Mysterio And The Silly Lurians -
In Milton Keynes a secret atomic research centre where a reactor
converting nuclear power to kinkytron energy is being developed.
Work is being held up by inexplicable office parties and staff
leaving for home while the spouse and kids are away. The Doctor
traces the problem to an underground lair where prehistoric rubber
monsters live. Controlling the tacky beasts are the Silly Lurians.
Strange men in tacky reptile costumes stolen off the set of Quartermass.
At first UNIT and the Doctor think these are just a bunch of insane
perverts with no real connection to the unknown. Terror comes to
all when it is discovered that deep in the human racial memory
is another creature (much like in Quartmass and the Pit). These
creatures have been in hibernation for billions of years (much like
in Quartmass and the Pit) but have been rejuvenated by the kinkytron
energy. These true ancient creatures, the Bilurians, want to get
it on with everything on the planet. The Silly Lurians worship the
Bilurians even though they do not understand their desires and want
to recapture the earth for Bilurian use. The Doctor strives for
peace between the humans, Silly Lurians, and Bilurians but he
refuses to take place in the ceremonial orgy of peace.
The rebellious Silly Lurians then rush up into the research centre
and desperately try to seduce the sane humans who laugh in their face.
They then develop a disease to wipe out humanity. The Doctor easily
finds an antidote because he is a clever bastard. Upset and frustrated
the Silly Lurians decide to try to seduce the Doctor one last time.
The Doctor pulls the old "My cave or your cave?" trick and promises
to be with them in just a moment after he freshens up.
Now back in the caves - much to the Doctor's delight - the Brigadier
demands that everything is blown up.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Mysterio Reptile No No!
Doctor Who And The Pit
Slash Fiction Magazine #16 - Orgy of the Bilurians
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed spanish speaking for most this story
One Pertwee line when translated literally back from Spanish
is - "I may be a man but sex with reptiles is the sort of
thing one saves for a special occasion, like no occasion
at all for instance."
Fashion Victims - The Silly Lurian costumes are obviously just
ripped off from Quartmass and Out of the Unknown
and not well stolen.
In episode seven the Doctor proudly sports a
"Jackson 5" T-shirt
Liz Shaw's costume bravely explores the realm of the
Goofs - For some unknown reason this serial was broadcast in Spanish.
Doctor Mysterio and the Silly Lurians was a strange and
confusing story due to this until eventually it was translated
by a bored group of students in a secondary school when
they should have been in spanish class learning to translate
better. Recently most of the mistranslated material has been
corrected however many copies of this story still have various
scenes with gratuitous uses of the word "plonker".
Technobabble - "Never before in the history of man has kinkytron
energy been harnessed in a super atomic reactor.
If let into the wrong hands the world could be
in serious danger. Quite serious indeed."
"In order to control this kinkytron we're going
to have fuse the control of the neutron flow!"
"Have you considered the addition of K90 in the
presence of 3Y5?"
"My god! That's my postal code! And it's been
the answer all along!"
Links - The Brigadier mentions that the Doctor has always
been into kinky sex before (See QQ, VV, AAA)
Untelevised Misadventures - The Doctor says that he once met
Joan of Arc causally whilst talking to someone not cleared for
security in any way and not bound to believe him as sane.
Dialogue Disasters -
"We found her paralyzed with fear chanting 'I saw something, I saw
something' over and over again. She may have seen something."
Dialogue Triumphs -
Dr. Quinn (Medicine Woman): The kinky energy I shall gain is worth
Dr. Lawrence: This is the Permanent Under Secretary!
Dr. Mysterio: Yes, well I have no time to talk to you, petty
little single minded bastard.
Dr. Lawrence: May I ask who you are?
Dr. Mysterio: No! Now stand aside my good man or else I shall
be forced to use my Venusian Akidio!
Dr. Lawrence: OH! You're that weird Doctor Mysterio chap,
step right in! We've been waiting for you!
Dr. Mysterio: You don't know that my good man! For all you know
I am Doctor Plonker!
Dr. Lawrence: You have insulted my families honor! We must
fight to the death!!
DR. Mysterio: KKKKKKKKKKWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!
(Note the above was translated by 70s martial arts fans)
BRIGADIER: Silly! SILLY! SILLY!! No one enjoys a good laugh more
than me. This started out as a bunch of people in
lizard costumes worshipping ancient reptile men but
now it's gone all silly!
BRIGADIER: Blow it up! Blow it ALL UP! Blow THAT UP AND THIS
UP! Blow up the whole research centre!
LIZ SHAW: But we're in the research centre!
BRIGADIER: I don't CARE! BLOW EVERYTHING UP! EVERYTHING! Or
else I'll be very displeased indeed!! BLOW IT UP!
Viewers' Quotes -
"I saw something too, but I don't know what the hell it was!"
- Confused Fan (Surrey, 1970)
"This didn't seem like real Who to me I'm afraid. In the classic
days the Doctor would have happily joined the peace orgy with
the Bilurians. This new guy seemed like an annoying stuck up
prude." - Father Joseph Martin (New York, 1983)
"Buenos Dias!! Me gusta Doctor Mysterio!"
- Alexei Sayle pretending to be a Doctor Mysterio fan (Liverpool,1984)
"There are only two types of science fiction stories - you go to
their place or they came to yours. Here we learn they've been
here for all time!!" - Malton Puke (1974)
"As a writer of Doctor Who I am somewhat biased however this recent
story has given me an idea for a WHOLE NEW alien race for Doctor Who!
I call them the Quorns! I hope the BBC uses them!"
- Creator of the Quirks (1970)
Rumors & Facts -
Many fans were horrified and confused by Doctor Mysterio and the
Silly Lurians. At first it's strange broadcast in Spanish was a
shock but then when the plot came to light many fans were up in arms!
Never before had the Doctor had such an invitation to an orgy of the
damned and turned it down.
With each Doctor came new personalities and traits. The 3rd Doctor
seemed to be moving towards someone who avoided sexuality and sexual
situations. Perhaps it was some reaction to his early experiences
in this regeneration, or maybe, as many guessed, he was just a weird
prude. Time would tell how this Doctor would develop and change over
Meanwhile the other characters seemed to be coming into their own
as well. There was the insane, frustrated, destructive, mad Brigadier
and the leggy underdressed scientist from Hull, Liz Shaw.
The new monsters in the first two Pertwee stories were instantly
popular. People were wildly offering to join the Nestle consciousness
and experiment with the Bilurians. Sad fans gathered in Milton Keynes
for the first time, dressed as Silly Lurians, and tried to connect
into the mind of the wardrobe designer to make the skirts even shorter -
as if this was even possible within the realms of physics.