The Ambassadors of Sex

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fifty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Bouncy Bouncy
Extra Special Thanks To LJ for the title

 Serial CCC - The Ambassadors of Sex -

 Seven minutes after leaving for Mars the Probe 7 ship is recalled to
 Earth by the Doctor.  The crew try to explain that it will take them
 months to even reach Mars but the Doctor is impatient and doesn't want
 to wait.  The rocket Recovery 7 is sent to pick up some curry in India
 to bring back to the Doctor along with the three astronauts.
 So consumed is the Doctor in eating that he fails to realise that
 only three space suits have been recovered.  When the Doctor discovers
 three empty space suits in the decontamination chamber he becomes
 furious that three, now completely naked, astronauts were left in orbit.
 Going on a solo space flight the Doctor docks with the Probe 7 ship and
 discovers the astronauts are sitting around watching dirty movies on
 large screen TV.
 Disgusted by their unprofessionalism The Doctor tries to entertain
 them with some traditional Morris dancing and Panto, but to no avail.
 A strange alien menace aboard the craft identifies himself only as Bob.
 Bob demands that his ambassadors of sex be returned to him.  At first
 the Doctor is confused and has no clue what Bob is on about.
 Returning to earth the Doctor finds Liz Shaw in a frantic car chase.
 Liz Shaw is in the lead in Bessie but her pursuers are three space
 suits wildly driving a mini.
 The three space suits eventually lose interest in Liz Shaw and decide
 to drive back to the space centre looking for someone more interested
 in them.
 The Brigadier is busy at work when he is attacked by the three space suits.
 Much the the Brigadier's dismay he is rescued by the Doctor and the
 space suits are captured and returned to Probe 7 where they are exchanged
 for the astronauts.
 The Brigadier promises that one day he will personally open up relations
 with the Ambassadors of Sex.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Space Suit Sex Saga
                         Doctor Mysterio El Ambassadora O' Fun Times
                    Mars, Cars, and Seedy Bars - I Was An Ambassador of Sex

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed uptight for most this story

 DOCTOR: Don't you see fool!? I'm not from this universe!  I've slipped a
         track in reality!
 BRIGADIER: What Doctor??
 DOCTOR: Oh..sorry Nick, that's next week..silly me.

 Fashion Victims - The Doctor wears a hideous stripey dressing gown and
                   does some lounge singing in an attempt to entertain
                   nude astronaunts.

 Fashion Triumphs - Liz shaw wears knee length boots and the shortest skirt
                    in the history of television (SADWANKers, guess what
                    color her tights will be - they change every episode!)

 Goofs - Military personnel are often seen on duty immediately after being
         killed, there's dedication for ya!
         In this story variant is spelled "varient" even thought this isn't
         a proper variunt on the spelling.
         Recovery 7 changes between a space capsule and an ocean liner
         suspiciously like the Titanic between model shots and stock
         Taltalian's accent changes from English to French on alternate
         Tuesdays and whenever he says the word "biscuit".
         How does the Doctor manage to get the TARDIS console through the

 Technobabble - The Doctor repeatly makes Liz Shaw's panties appear and
                disappear which he passes off as "transmigration of object".
                Oddly Liz doesn't complain or question this as long as he
                keeps doing it.

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor mentions he hasn't had this much fun since he met David Bowie
 and wrote "Space Oddity" for him.

 Dialogue Disasters -

 (The Brigadier looks at the rocket going to Mars)
 BRIGADIER: Now that's what I call a rocket!

 (The Brigadier sees three men in space suits stepping out of a recovery
 BRIGADIER: I say, are you those three astronauts I'm suppose to pick up

 Asked to explain his odd policy towards the girl scout cookie salesgirls -
 CARRINGTON: It was my right and moral duty to kill them all!

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 Taltalian: But we saw astronauts!  How can they still be up in space?
 DOCTOR: You saw 3 empty space suits!
 Taltalian: I thought they'd lost weight!

 DOCTOR: Obviously my Morris Dancing has not appeased you.  It's time for
         Christian Rock, I'm afraid, nothing else will do.

 BOB: Release my Ambassadors of Sex or I'll get pissy!

 Explaining his actions in the cafeteria -
 CARRINGTON: It was my right and moral duty to eat the last Crunchie bar!

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "The Ambassadors of Sex holds a deep message for all of us - we should not
  fear those who are into strange kinky things - because they might be
  fun!"   - Nick Star (1987)

 "Keeping, the aliens, at a, distance, makes them....alien."
  - Arnold Rimmer (Sad Fanboy Magazine, Summer 2172)

  "The things about aliens, I mean, the alien quality, the essence of
   aliens is that...for all purposes...they ARE...alien!"
   - Arnold J. Rimmer  (Sad Fanboy Magazine, Winter 2172)

  "You know what most people don't realise is that even though the Quirks
   were robots, they were aliens as well.  So really they are ALIEN Robots,
   which is twice and good as just aliens or JUST robots.  So yes I think
   this story would be better with the Quirks!"
   - A Sad Anonymous Fan of the Quirks (1970)

  "Not enough sex."   - Charles Daniels (1999)

  Rumors & Facts -

   The Ambassadors of Sex was filmed in the experimental and highly
RainbowTron Colour System (tm).  The RainbowTron process was an attempt
to offer a more psychedelic and impressionistic depiction of reality.
Fans were unfortunately confused by this radical departure from tradition
and many assumed their sets were not recieving properly.  Indeed to this
day fans seek out "better" colour copies of this episode in vain.
RainbrowTron technology was used in many programs, all without success,
and the process is still seen today, especially after converting a PAL tape
to NTSC or vice versa.
   The opening titles of this story are unique for two reasons.  First
they break off part-way through, to make way for a short "teaser" -  these
teasers were 30 seconds or so of a woman removing her bra or panties and
then cutting back to the opening credits before they showed anything really
good and broke the watershed.  Secondly the story title actually appears
in two stages - "The Ambassadors" first and then "Of SEX!" below it a few
moments later when someone remembered to pop it up, the latter punctuated
by a loud fun screaming/moaning sound.
   For years fans have claimed many things about this story, strange and
rumors have circulated in almost every publication, and some have been quite
insightful, however these sorts of things include research and proper
permissions to sod it.  Make up a rumor about this story and spread
it around to all your friends, see how far it goes.