An alternate Programme Guide by
Fifty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Extra Special Thanks To John Hutton for several plot ideas
Serial DDD - Infernal -
The Doctor is busy at work trying to repair his TARDIS. With the help
of his UNIT chums he forces himself into an experimental drilling project
and steals power off their meter. The project is run by Professor Staleman
who is drilling for Staleman's gas, an awesome power source. However
Staleman is more interested in the way it makes people convert into badly
made up werewolves who speak in audio feedback.
Playing with the knobs and switches on the TARDIS to impress Liz Shaw
that the console lights up and can make tea the Doctor finds himself
mysteriously flung sideways in time.
Upon awakening he sees Liz Shaw with dark hair, leather boots, an eyepatch,
and holding a pistol to his face as she asks if he would like a biscuit.
After a particularly yummy biscuit the Doctor finds he has arrived in a
ideal paradise. In this "unitverse" UNIT is an elite gardening
which travels the world cleaning up weeds and planting victory gardens.
The Doctor finds to his astonishment that he can not remove an eye patch
that has mysteriously appeared on his face even though he is sure his
eye is fine. Indeed everyone in the world has an eye patch except for one
man - Brigade Leader Lethbridge-Stewart escorts the Doctor to a local pub
rake point and interrogates him over several pints of Guiness.
The Doctor realises he has landed in a world of peace and harmony.
An Earth which knows no war, no pain, no suffering, no distrust, no
channel 5. The Doctor explains that he is from another dimension, and
since no one has conceived of the "lie" on this world everyone believes
He then speaks of a great destiny and how he must fanatically rule the
world. The Doctor then turns this utopia into something infernal.
Setting up the mining project on this world he takes full control and
channels all power to his TARDIS. He plans to use the innerpower of
the earth to fix his time ship. Enslaving mankind and making them all
miners and loyal to the fascist extreme, he sets himself up as the
supreme dictator and makes propaganda radio announcements in silly voices
for fun and to save money.
Ruthlessly the Doctor laughs and screams as the Earth's surface is cracked
and the world is destroyed, the final burst of power sending his TARDIS
into the void and unknown.
As the world ends in a firey blaze, Brigade Leader Lethbridge-Stewart
sings "Disco Inferno".
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who - The Big Brother Adventure
Doctor Mysterio El Loco Dictatoro Benevoleno
The UNIT Song Book (Target)
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed clumsy for most this story
(Pertwee is constantly bashing and walking into props and stage
walls, obviously never quite getting a hang of the eye patch)
"I say, look at this large computer bank over here...OUCH!
MY FINGER! AH! I banged my toe too!"
Fashion Victims - I understand the need to establish that this parallel
universe is different - but why give Liz Shaw a fake
Goofs - Okay I can see giving everyone on the planet eyepatches as
an easy way to see it's a parallel world - but wouldn't it
help if they stayed on the same eye throughout the entire story?
I mean even through the entire scene in some places.
Watch for Liz Shaw's dancing eye patch - it's on the left, no
it's on the right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left...
it's the marching eyepatch!
Technobabble - "Of course! I'm not in the world of humans at all,
I've landed in the world of the Eyepatchanoids!"
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor claims that he once visited Cleopatchra and in addition to
making "a damn wicked tea", she had an eyepatch with a golden encrusted
Dialogue Disasters -
The Brigade Leader Sings -
Yes, I've met a few
Immune to bullets, they were too,
But dig, what I have to do
I'll see it through with no promotion
Of that, take care and just
Be careful along the highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way
There were times, I'm sure you knew
When there was nothing fucking else to do
But through it all, when there was doubt
I shot it up or kicked it out
I fought the war just as before
And did it my way
For what is a brit, what has he got
When he finds out that he cannot
Say the things he truly thinks
But only the words, not what he feels
The record shows, I've got no clothes
And did it my way!"
Brigade leaders last words -
"Burn baby burn, burn the mother down!"
Nicholas Courtney: "And they were all wearing eyepatches!"
The sad story of Sir Palin and Petra Idle, the two badly sub-plotted
lovers seperated by mutation, love, time, space, and reality. Most
of their dialogue is Sir Palin trying to impress the loyal Petra
away from Staleman, in both universes, always met with her singing
a song about fidelity and the importance of proper dental hygiene.
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR: I keep telling you Brigade Leader, I don't exist here!
BRIGADE LEADER: Then you won't feel the pain as Benton and I sing to you
about our feminine sides.
The Brigade Leader asks The Doctor about love advice -
"If you have a tool is stupid not to use it!"
Jon Pertwee in a radio times article about the upcoming story -
"There's never been a bore like this one!"
DOCTOR: "Listen to that! It's the sound of fans screaming out their rage!"
SUTTON on Fascism - "Marvellous isn't it? The world is going up in flames
and they're still singing show tunes!"
The Brigadier and the Doctor's amazing reunion -
Doctor: Ahh, I'm going to need your help old friend.
Brigadier: "Pompous, self opinionated idiot", I think you said, Doctor.
Doctor: Yes, well, that aside, I still need you're help.
Brigadier: Doctor, why should I help you after you insulted me and
hurt my feelings?
Doctor: Well...I still have those pictures.
Brigadier: I'll be right out to help!
Viewers' Quotes -
"I have a definite beef with this story. I sent in a story called
'Doctor Who Versus The Eyepatchanoids' in 1969, and it was rejected!
I was ripped off!" - The Creator of the Quirks, and eyepatchanoids? (1985)
"What many people don't recall was that for the episodes you could find
an eyepatch in Wheetabix. See the entire thing was a marketing scheme,
2D they called it, Eyepatchavision. See you were suppose to wear an
eyepatch when watching the story to feel like you were IN the STORY
and get a better effect by losing depth perception."
- Sad Fan In Eyepatch at Gally 1999
"I would like to complain about last nights episode of Doctor Who.
I have lived in a parallel universe with eyepatched citizens my entire
life and never once have I participated in a fascist dictatorship.
Sincerely, Mr. Hilter. 10 May 1970."
- He's right you know.
"For an alternate universe it looked a lot like Milton Keynes to me."
- Harry Turtledove (1994)
"Help! I can't see!! I'm wearing two eyepatches!" - Charles Daniels
Rumors & Facts -
Infernal was run under many titles in many countries, from "Disco
in the US to "Doctor Mysterio El Loco Dictatoro Benevoleno". Many nations
dubbed over this story with a completely new sound track that touted the
wonders of fascism and the brilliant opportunities possible in the
manufacture of eye care equipment.
Season 7 looked like the end of Doctor Who at the time. The BBC wanted
to cancel Doctor Who to make room for their new series "Australian Cowboys
2000", about a group of fun loving Australian Cowboys from the future who
find themselves in 1970s London fighting crime and social injustice.
Mark Edwards was to star as Lasso, the leader of the Australian Cowboy
Justice League. Luckily for everyone Doctor Who was confirmed for
continuation before the first scripts were written.
It is by strange coincidence that in 1998 whilst experimenting with my
own TARDIS I slipped into a parallel earth much like our own except that
Doctor Who WAS cancelled for Australian Cowboys 2000. Much to the outrage
of fans the long running series was cancelled in 1985 by Michael Grade
and on the group rec.arts.acb2000 fans fiercely debate the canonicity
of the New Cow and Missing Cow Adventures. The "vastly inferior
programme" that was cancelled to make way for ACB2000 is mostly forgotten
as every single episode, except Marco Polo, was destroyed by the BBC.
Meanwhile back in our reality Terrance Dicks and Barry Letts, the infamous
Letts Dicks team, decided to carry on various changes to the programme.
For instance the crazy disco banjo music used during the thrilling space
docking scenes in Ambassadors of Sex was destroyed and the composer of the
music was beaten brutally in a back lot.
The duo then considered Caroline John who had brought the intelligent and
competent Liz Shaw to the screen. Caroline played a strong independant
female character and was of course immediatedly sacked. Letts Dicks
started to think up a proper bimbo companion for the Doctor.