Error of the Autons

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fifty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special Thanks To Maddogg for the title

 Serial EEE - Error of the Autons -

 The Nestle consciousness has returned to conquer the earth in a tidal wave
 of plastic slaves and delicious chocolate.   Laurel and Hardy materialize
 on earth to warn the Doctor that an enemy of the time lords is involved.
 The Doctor's archnemesis - The Bastard - is in league with Willy Wonka
 and his new confectionery innovation of chocolate covered squids.
 Indeed his array of candies "Crunchy Frog" and "Spring Surprise" take
 the world by storm even more than the less popular but equally vile
 "Cockroach Cluster".
 The Doctor, and his new assistant, Jo Grant, decide to face The Bastard
 directly to stop this newest invasion of earth.
 The Bastard has materialised his TARDIS in form of a caravan at a trailer
 park.  At first the Doctor plans to create a "natural" disaster in the
 form of a freak hurricane that will take out the entire trailer park,
 feeling that this tragedy would not only be inconspicuous but down right
 typical.   The Doctor's master scheme fails however as he can't find
 enough common household spoons to fashion a neutron flow regulator.
 Jo Grant decides that The Bastard has won this one fair and square and
 sends him a dozen candy daffodils as a congratulation.
 As the Bastard chuckles at his victory he is horrified to discover that
 the flowers are Wonka brand Deadly Daffodil Delight which turn against
 him and try to strangle him.
 The Doctor walks in on this scene and after laughing for a few minutes
 he saves The Bastard's life on the promise that he will stop Willy Wonka's
 co-operation with the Nestle overlords.  After stopping the invasion
 of earth the Bastard escapes to fight another day.
 This is the first story starring the fabulous Bastard.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Meets The Bastard
                         Doctor Mysterio El Loco Bastarderro Chokey Chokey
                         The TARDIS Versus The Wonkavator - Blood On The

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed unimportant for most this story
          In episode three the Doctor replies to Yates's "Fetch some cocoa."
          with "Cocaine?  I thought you wanted to wait till the show was

 Fashion Victims - The Bastard tries to blend into the trailer park by
                   wearing old Navy shorts, a plaid button up shirt,
                   a fisherman's hat and drinking lager on his plastic fold
                   out chair

 Goofs - So let me get this straight, Laurel And Hardy are time lords???

         Things portrayed by CSO in the story: a lunchbox interior, the
         inside of an automobile, a giant cat, a huge cardboard cut out of
         William Hartnell, a phone box, the Doctor, Jo Grant, The Bastard,
         and most surprisingly the CSO operator in a few scenes.
         How does the Bastard disguise himself as trailer trash so easily
         and seamlessly in this story?  WHY does he choose that form for
         his TARDIS?!  Why not a mansion, or some cool vampire subtext,
         or a candy factory, or some freaky ugly walking doll that moves
         when it heats many possibilities..

 Technobabble - "No! He's used his tissue compression doohickey!"
                Says the Doctor.

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor and The Bastard went to the Academy together and used to be
 roomates.  At one time the Doctor angered the Bastard so much he tried
 to kill him with a rubber hose.
 The Doctor was unsettled by The Bastard's favorite hobby of collecting
 when he started to fill up their dorm with them at the academy.

 Dialogue Disasters -

 The completely unnecessary Jesus Christ scene -
 Sumerian's Wife: Blessed are the ham-fisted bun vendors?   What so special
                  about them?
 Sumerian: It's a metaphor, obviously he means any ham-fisted person
           in the wheat industry.

 (After seeing Mr. Campell shrunk by the Bastard)
 Bimbo: "You're a dolly Scotsmen, Mr. Campell!"

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 The Bastard as he and Willy Wonka are touring the Nestle factory -
 "So at last we shall have our sweet revenge!"

 The classic first meeting -
 "I *AM* The Bastard!"
 "I *AM* The DOCTOR!"

 BASTARD: Do you like my new doll Doctor?  I made it myself.  It was a pity
          that your poor Liz Shaw had to die, but she looks so wonderful
          six inches tall.

 BASTARD: The human body has a basic weakness.  One which I shall exploit
          to assist in the destruction of humanity.  Either that or I'm
          going on vacation.  Do you know what the weather is like on the
          Isle of Wight about this time of year?

 DOCTOR: I sometimes think that pretty ugly is a contradiction of terms.
 JO: It is.
 DOCTOR: Oh, than I was right!  Bloody good for me!

 BASTARD: Death is always more frightening when it's silly.

 The last line of the story -

 JO: But surely now he'll come back to kill you Doctor.
 DOCTOR: Yes, and after the day I've had Jo, I'm looking forward to it...

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "I wanted to have beards on the Quirks originally you know!  They said
  it was silly a robot with a beard.  This Bastard fellow was my idea!
  I've been ripped off!"  - Creator of the Quirks (1971)

 "These plastic monsters come from within range of a child's domestic
  scene.  There is a murderous mannequin doll with deadly fangs, a
  lawn chair which inflates to suffocate the victim, a telephone chord
  which strangles the caller.  Policemen with apparently normal faces
  whip off their mask to show a hideous non-face underneath.  It's just
  not terrifying enough!!"  - Not Mary Whitehouse (1970)

 "Error of the Autons is best remembered for precisely that - error!"
  - Mad Caroline John fan on RADW (1995)

 "You can see a clear shot of Liz Shaw's knickers when the doll is placed
  on the Bastards TARDIS console and he lays her down flat.  I think they
  are yellow but my tape is mysteriously worn in that one part for some
  reason."  - SADWANK post (1998)

 "This is a victory for bastards everywhere." - Charles Daniels (1999)

 Rumors & Facts -

 There has been a long running myth that the Bastard was originally to be
an evil female character called "That Bitch!" as played by Wendy Padbury.
Sadly it seems this is completely false and only Roger Caesar Marcus Bernard
de Delgado Torres Castillo Roberto was ever considered for the role of the
main villain of season eight.
 The Bastard was beyond a doubt a classic character who proved every bit as
popular as the Cybermen and the Dustbins.  For once a non-mechanical foe had
risen to popularity.  Roger Delgado took acting very seriously and buried
himself into the role immediately.  Often he would walk the streets being
generally rude to people, killing them, and making them into collectible
dolls.  There are those people who claim this was the sort of thing he was
always into anyway but it definitely helped the character of the Bastard
 Finally, and most surprisingly, this script was radically altered at the
last moment, apparently the story was originally about the dangers of
the hip 70s swingers life style entitled "The Lay of Death".