The Beard of Evil
An alternate Programme Guide by
Fifty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial FFF - The Beard of Evil -
The Doctor believes there is an alien parasite on the Bastard's chin.
The Bastard casually explains that he's merely grown a beard and the Doctor
is having flashbacks to their previous adventure with Moustache of Malice.
In London the Chinese delegate dies at a World Peace And Longevity
for both dramatic and ironic effect. Meanwhile, UNIT/WANK is charged with
the mission of illegally dumping a banned thunderbolt nerve gas missile
in the middle of the local Safeway.
Professor Rad Bats is really the Bastard who captures the Doctor and Jo
by crashing a private UNIT victory party, held every Tuesday regardless
of how the missions actually go - "Good For Morale!"
Now with the Doctor and Jo in his power he intends to use them in a series
of educational videos. The Doctor and Jo are horrified as they teach basic
maths skills at gun point. Eventually the Bastard's master plan is
The Beard of Evil(tm) is not a parasite but instead a symbiotic being that
aids him in looking and acting stylishly menacing. The Bastard is tricked
when the Doctor does a chemistry gadget video for advanced students and
destroys the entire studio.
The tapes are thankfully junked by the BBC, the Doctor and Jo flee from
the destruction as the dastard Bastard escapes again.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Beard From Beyond
Doctor Mysterio El Beardo Naughty Naughtie
The Paper Doll Bastard Book (circa 1971)
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed educational and hopping for most this story
"So this bread of evil is on the Bastard's chin."
"Shouldn't he just get a napkin to wipe it off?"
Fashion Victims - The Bastard wears a green and blue leisure suit and
often shows off his ultra hip alligator shoes
as he grooves to Fleetwood Mac
Goofs - How does gelatin get into the drowned man's lungs if he's only
killed by his fear of drowning in gelatin? During a fight sequence
in which water is spilled the Bastard slips twice making goofy
incidental cartoon rapid feet slipping sounds. In an office
scene in episode 4 several noisy sneezes and coughs are heard
from the studio.
Technobabble - The Doctor explains to Jo that tacky-on retro-fad particles
are responsible for the Bastard's dress sense.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor and the Bastard once joined forces to defeat the evil Moustache
of Malice and Toupe of Terror.
The Doctor says he once shared a cell in the tower of London with Sir
Walter Raleigh ("A very strange chap...Kept going on about this new
mind expanding vegetable he'd discovered").
Dialogue Disasters -
Mike Yates sees the Chinese Delegate after her encounter with the Bastard -
"She's quite a dolly!"
Dialogue Triumphs -
BASTARD: Science has abolished the hangman's noose and substituted this
DOCTOR: People who talk about infallibility are usually wankers in funny
JO: How could ANYONE believe this educational video crap!?
DOCTOR: We believe what our minds tell us to, Jo. Although I believe
the man with the gun pointed at us.
The Brigadier saves the Doctor from being shot. The Doctor's ungrateful
comment is - "Do you think for once in your life you could arrive BEFORE
the nick of time?" To which the Brigadier replies by shooting the Doctor
in the foot and smiling.
Viewers' Quotes -
"Well personally I feel this story could have been better if the Doctor
and Jo had to do a sexual education video. In fact I am writing a BBC
PDA submission called 'The Fortuitous Fornication Film Fiasco' which
explores this exact possibility." - Charles Daniels (1999)
"Yes, Mr. Bigglesworth. A Beard...of EVIL!" - Dr. Evil (1969)
"This story suffers from exactly the same thing The Sheep In Spandex did,
a lack of Cybermen." Cyberfan Monthly - Special Mondas Destruction Issue
"Beard of EVIL! BEARD OF TIME! The Centuries That Divide Us Shall
- Spell fragment taken from the banned and forgotten 'Book of Cthulhu'
"I love how this story establishes the Beard of Evil as a character in and
of itself. At last this frees me to write a Doctor Who novel where the
beard, independant of the Bastard, takes on his own conquest of the
in countless dramatic sequences with lots of explosions."
- Anonymous Published Who Author (1999)
Rumors & Facts -
This story was rather confusing at the time and remains so to the present
day. The first problem was that of many early colour Doctor Who stories -
the wacky experimental colouring systems. Doctor Who was taken for a
yet again by a group of relatively poor and out of work engineers who
promised to revolutionise the quality of the programme with their new and
improved 'Monochrome Colour System'. They explained to the producers at
the time that their "high tech performance system deceptively took on the
appearance of dusty ten-year-old television cameras". Most of the Beard
of Evil was shot in the amazing Monochrome Colour System except for episode
6. During the filming of episode 6 it was rumoured that the Queen would
be tuning in to watch the programme. They went with the much more costly
regular color system for the first 6 minutes of episode 6 until inevitably
the Queen got confused and switched over to BBC2.
Sadly, and to the surprise of everyone, the Monochrome Colour System was a
complete sham. By the time anyone had discovered the fraud, they'd already
been contracted to shoot the season finale - serial JJJ - or it's more
commonly used title at the time "JaJaJa".
Serial FFF had many working titles, including, but not limited to -
The Beard Machine, After Hours, The Sexy Beard of Doom, and Beard Man 2000.
The Doctor sees the images of the following Monsters when he first notices
the Beard of Evil - A Wank Machine, A Dustbin, A Cyberman, and A Slurpie.
All these were black and white publicity photos which the BBC was
trying to sell in it's gift shops at the time. Indeed many pieces of
Doctor Who merchandise were often shamelessly promoted on the show - most
disturbingly and obviously the Bastard's very own Beard of Evil, each one
included lint, a small snack, and a toy surprise.
The mind parasite which controls the educational video production was made
from cooked spaghetti and macaroni liberally covered with green washing up
liquid. It was a Doctor Who monster created by Nicholas Courtney's son at
home and immediately rushed to the studio as it looked much better than the
prop they'd been using up to that time.
Pik Sen Lim who played the unfortunate Captain Chin Lee in this story, was
married to the writer, Don Houghton, and it was he who suggested her for
role as he'd long to see her killed horribly by being transformed into a
The character Doug was named after Doug Houghton, Don Houghton's brother.
Don Houghton has always denied charges that he writes in friends and family
to get them work.