The Spill of Exxon

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fifty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Absent Friends
Special Thanks To David McIntee For Plot Suggestions And Character Ideas
Most of Which Aren't In This One, but SOON!

 Serial GGG - The Spill of Exxon -

 A drunken alien freighter captain smashes his spaceship filled with
 "Super Atomic Fizzy Time Starship Fuel" into Swindon.  They ask for
 hospitality on Earth as they randomly go about killing the locals.
 The Doctor is suspicious, but explains that killing people from Swindon
 is a goodwill sport enjoyed throughout the cosmos.  The Doctor discovers
 that the Exxons are notorious alcoholics who like to drive fast and
 dangerous.  The Exxons were simply passing by the area at a good clip
 and had no intention to conquer earth until it got in their way.
 The Exxons have decided to conquer the earth by cleaning up their fizzy
 fuel in a ridiculously inefficient manner and asking for government
 assistance.  This method while ingenius simply isn't very interesting.
 The Bastard is unsurprisingly revealed as the Mastermind behind the
 entire operation however by this point even he has gotten bored with it
 and has moved on to selling amphetamines to school children.
 Looking over the burning wreckage of Swindon the Bastard and the Doctor
 decide to leave this place to it's fate and find a more stimulating
 For some reason the last 10 minutes of this story feature Jo Grant running
 in place and doing knee bends.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Gets Sticky
                         Doctor Mysterio Fizzy Stickie Destructo
                         Natural Disasters - The DIY Guide

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed congested for most this story
         "*Sniff* Nothing to fear. *cough* I am here to protect you

 Fashion Victims - Jo wears purple suede boots, purple mini-skirt, purple
                   knickers, a purple captain's hat, purple high heels,
                   a purple nose ring..and orange socks.

 Goofs - Jo comments that she never much liked the colour purple

 Technobabble - The Doctor comments that it is possible to reverse the
                tacky-on retro-style flow and go with the mod look

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor brags that he was once Napoleon for five minutes when the
 real Napoleon was off taking a break for the loo
 "Yes, I say if he hadn't let me impersonate him while he stopped off
 to answer the call of nature your earth history would be in remarkably
 bad shape.  Of course, I haven't even mentioned what I did for Alexander
 The Great after we went out for a curry."

 Dialogue Disasters -

 Prince Charles: "Furge-thangering muckwitchellers rock-throbbin' this time
                  o' day.  Ur bin oughta gone put thickery blarmdasted zones
                  about, goradangun, diddenum?  Havver froggin' law onnum,
                  shouldnum?  Eh? Eh? Arn I? Oh ar? Oh ar?  Aargh!!!"

 Doctor: It seems that I'm some sort of intergalactic gigolo.
 Brigadier: (Showing an interest) Really Doctor?!
 Doctor: For the Time Lords old chap.

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 The Bastard criticizes the Doctor's TARDIS -
 BASTARD: Overweight, underpowered museum-piece...Might as well try to fly
          a second-hand gas stove.
 DOCTOR: It IS a second-hand gas stove!
 BASTARD: My good lord!  So It IS!

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "I always did kinda think it looked like a second hand gas stove, I guess
  no one really wanted to say it, but yeah."  - Fan After Seeing The Vid
  For The First Time (1996)

 'I wouldn't necessarily say "second-hand", but a gas stove of some fashion
  most assuredly.'  - A British Fan Named Dave  (1997)

 "Oh yeah, that's a stove."  - Fred, The Guy Who Fixes My Stove (1998)

 "I wonder if my second-hand stove is a TARDIS as well?!"
  - A Lightly Crispy and Heavily Injured Charles Daniels (1999)

 Rumors & Facts -

Much to the terror of the effects team and props department the secret was
out - The TARDIS console was a second hand stove which had been altered
slightly to appear as an alien artefact created by a vastly superior
mentality.   The original TARDIS console, which was due to be replaced
at the end of Infernal, was immediately dumped in the back lot and stolen
by crazed and hungry fans who lived in a commune which lacked, amoungst
other things, a stove.
>From 1971 the stove was on exhibition at the commune until 1982 when a
radical extremist named Desmond ate the stove in an act of protest.
Meanwhile back at the BBC, the props department was looking over several
new varieties of kitchen conveniences to rebuild an entire new interior
Looking through the drawings I think the TARDIS based around the blender
showed the most vision and promise but sadly the blender was well outside of
the budget for the programme in 1971.
It was a time of change in the BBC and things were not happy.  Bob Baker and
Dave Martin were both punished for blantantly writing in the secrets behind
the console prop, in a fit of rage the rather popular series "The Vicar And
The Man And His Dog" was cancelled for obscenity, and the costume designer
for Jo Grant was shot and replaced by someone even worse.