Ornery In Space
An alternate Programme Guide by
Sixtieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Jelly
Developed From A Storyline Proposed by David McIntee
Serial HHH - Ornery In Space -
The Time Lords decide it's time to use the Doctor for some fun and games.
Allowing him to travel in time and space for the first time since the last
time it served the plot the Doctor drags along Jo because...well..he does.
The Doctor and Jo have been dispatched 500 years in the future on a planet
exactly like a quarry located on the planet earth. The Time Lords have sent
them to hit the owners of a Theme Park for copyright violations.
In order to assist them in their deadly mission they have equipped the
with a demat gun and Jo with dayglo pink go-go boots.
On the planet Inaquarry, the Doctor finds that a very nasty and naughty man
named Captain Bent has built a really scary ghost train to scare a small
colony of hicks that were already there. The Doctor speculates that Captain
Bent has studied earth history, and in particular used the popular series
"Scooby Doo" as the inspiration for his plans. The Doctor tries to work
out the complex mechanical clockwork of the ghost train as he sends Jo off
to investigate the elderly Mister Witherspoon who dismisses the ghost train
as tricks of light and shadow.
During the conflict between the Deliverance cast rejects and the money
carnival promoters, the Bastard arrives, determined to get the all-powerful
fast-food concession, which he hopes to build upon the site of the
first burger joint. In the way of his masterplan are the primitives, who
created the perfect burger, but then fell foul of Mad Cow Disease.
The plot is foiled when the fast-food concession machinery turns against
the Bastard's evil and Jo Grant whips off Witherspoon's mask to reveal he
was behind the ghost train all along.
Again, 10 minutes of Jo Grant running in place and doing gratuitous
high jump kicks.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Gets Ornery In Space
Doctor Mysterio Stubberdo Shooty Shooty Bastarderro
YIKES!! I Was A Doctor Who Ghost Train!
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed shaggy for most this story
Fashion Victims - Jo's ridiculous huge green belt with "Remove To Party"
written in gold lettering
The colonists all wear banjos around their necks
Goofs - 500 years in the future carnival games are fair and really as easy
as they seem - vision of utopia or crap? You decide.
Jo's skepticism that the TARDIS is mobile is odd as she has
stolen it for joy rides through history as the Time Lords watched
voyeuristically...well that's what this story on SADWANK suggests.
If the Bastard was so ready to kill the Doctor, why does he offer
him cotton candy and coke?
Technobabble - The Doctor suggests that "carnivalic circusian energy" is
what makes the carnival games so easy to win in the 25th
Untelevised Misadventures -
"I met the Pope once..which one? All of them. Splendid chaps, all of
I rather like their hats, I designed them myself you know. Of course that
was a rather slow day for me. So, are you a minor deity or just a weird
giant fish of some sort?"
- The Doctor tries to chat up a giant Cthulhoid Monster gratuitously
in the backround
Dialogue Disasters -
"There's no animal life, just some birds and insects."
- The Doctor seconds before being mauled by a grizzly bear
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: I am every kind of scientist, I'm not good at any one science,
but I know how to cover my ass. Now step aside!
Capt. Bent: All colonists are inbred banjo-lovin' hicks...how do you think
you become a colonists in the first place?
Witherspoon: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you
meddling time lords!
The BASTARD: It's always innocent bastards who suffer.
BASTARD: One must rule or serve. That is the basic law of life. Why do
you hesitate? Surely it's not loyalty to the Time Lords, who
truly and completely screwed you over.
DOCTOR: I guess I never thought of it like that. I want to see the
universe, not rule it.
BASTARD: Why not?
DOCTOR: Well, because, it's..well...I guess I never thought of that EITHER.
BASTARD: Admit it Doctor! You wish to rule the universe as MUCH as I!
DOCTOR: Isn't that as much as ME?
BASTARD: AS I!
Viewers' Quotes -
"This classic Doctor Who story is well remembered because for being the
3rd Doctor's first spacefaring gun wielding mission for the Time Lords.
And fortunately those are redeeming factors in the eyes of many people!"
- Gordonia Roxburghlebag, The Gaytrix Issue 8
"The story was no where near as dull as the landscape."
- A Chartered Accountant praising the story (1971)
"Yowzers!!!" - Anonymous Doctor Who Fan (1972)
"In a existential way, the flaw with this story is the story itself."
- Charles Daniels with a headache (1999)
Rumors & Facts -
It was long believed that this story takes place on the planet Exarius
however in 1997 the original script was discovered at a Fish 'n Chip
takeaway. Apparently the fish had been wrapped in the script for
several months before a Doctor Who fan noticed and got the remaining pages
of the script from the proprietor. After a careful investigation the
planet is now known to be called Inaquarry, a strange and alien name
of unknown meaning.
Many of the actors in this story went on to smaller and lesser things,
most living in complete obscurity or in a gutter. The exception to the
rule was Mary Ashe played by Bambi Knickers, who went on to a long standing
role in the infamous Bambi line of adult films such as 'Bambi Goes To
College', 'Bambi's Big Break" and the most recent release 'Everyone Loves
The most interesting rumour going around is that this story shares the same
plot of an episode of Scooby Doo, Where Are You? In actuality this story
shares the same plot of about a dozen episodes of Scooby Doo.
I myself prefer the one where the gang meets Laurel and Hardy in the Mystery
Machine, but I digress.