An alternate Programme Guide by
Sixty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Action
Special Thanks To David McIntee For Plot Suggestions And Character Ideas
Serial JJJ - I'm Dreamin' -
Against the advice of a wised and beautiful wiccan priestess, a leading
archaeological professor orders haggis ala frog. This creates a series of
disgusting dishes and foods to be prepared which starts an unstoppable chain
of terror which ultimately leads to the professor's death and the Doctor's
shoes being completely covered in sick. After the Doctor kicks the dead
professor off his leg and cleans his shoes he discovers the entire village
has been surrounded by an impenetrable barrier of warmth. Not necessarily
scolding, flesh melting heat, but an eerie warmness which feels a bit
uncomfy and unnatural, for miles!
The Bastard - posing as a vicar with a drinking problem - has been influenced
by a television show he saw named "Bewitched". Now, gathering arcane and
strange texts from such places as The Great Library of Alexandria, The Lost
Library of The Children Of Cthulhu, and Borders book store, the Bastard has
the power to summon the strange and powerful Lew Grade. The Bastard plans to
use him to take over the BBC and produce more adventure shows.
With their combined powers they generate a demon servant named Bok, who is
of course played by Roger Moore.
Meanwhile the Doctor shows the Brigadier how to walk through the warmth
barrier by running really fast on his tippy-toes. Before the Doctor can
take pictures of the Brigadier looking ridiculous as he bounces around inside
the heat barrier he is attacked by a crazed band of Morris Dancers.
The dancers mock him as they strike him over the head with handkerchiefs
and slap him silly.
It is revealed, somewhat pointlessly, that the Bastard has the Morris Dancers
solely under his control. He is able to control them not so much through
cunning or magic but because no one else could be bothered.
The Doctor brilliantly joins in on the dance and is able to kung fu kick his
way to freedom. After leaving the Morris Dancers for dead the Doctor meets
Lew Grade who offers him power. The Doctor happily accepts and they go after
the Bastard together. The Doctor and Lew Grade join forces and are about to
destroy the Bastard once and for all when Jo interposes herself - much to
the joy of the audience. Jo pleads for the Bastard's life and Lew Grade,
confused by this act of self-abasement laughs so hard he explodes.
The Doctor loses his new powers upon Lew Grades' destruction and the Bastard
is finally captured.
Book(s)/Other Related - Lew Killed Doctor Who! LEW, BASTARD!
Doctor Mysterio El Loco Demonus Roger Moore
The Frog And Peach - A Restaurant Guide
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed as futile as resistance for most this story
There is some confusion whether Bok was SUPPOSE to actually
be Roger Moore or if that was merely his appearance
Fashion Victims - Jo Grant is once again wardrobe impaired as she proudly
sports a candy cane top hat, orange feather boa, and
24" platform shoes!
Goofs - A sign post next to the warmth barrier says "Weevil's End 1"
However in the backround dialogue of scene 22 in episode 2
Benton mentions that the warmth has a Barrier of FIVE MILES
This has often confused people however I have my own new theory
which fixes everything. Benton can't count. I am sure people
will come up with examples of him counting correctly, so I think
the best answer is that the warmth reversed the counting flow.
Garvin uses an obvious water pistol during his fight with Benton.
This seems silly until Garvin squirts him and Benton begins to
scream "MY GOD!! IM WET!!! IM SOAKED!!! THE HUMANITY!!!!!"
During all this commotion and chaos, how do Benton and Yates
have time to properly cross dress? I just don't buy it.
Technobabble - In Astonishment the Doctor screams "Jo look! Benton and
Yates have stumbled into the Izzard factor!"
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions he once had lunch with Hitler and Genghis Khan
He reports that it was a pleasant meal but both his guest considered
him a bit of a pushy egomaniac.
Dialogue Disasters -
Jo: Oh yeah the occult and all that wacky magic bit, that's my bag!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Brigadier: Chap with the wing-collar and flares: Five rounds rapid.
Harry, the TV producer, asks Professor Horner what do to if the Devil
puts on an appearance on live TV - "Use your imagination, just tell
everyone it was Noel Edmunds."
The Doctor meets Satan and asks calmly: "Would you enjoy a Jaffa Cake
my old boy?"
Viewers' Quotes -
"Every so often a story comes along which just stuns the hell out of you
because it's just...weird. This was one of those stories for me. This
just freaks me out man." - William S. Burroughs (1974)
"Well this story is a beloved classic which is usually hailed as one of
the greatest examples in the shows histroy..so I'll just assume it sucks.
Pertwee was satan. I'm more a Cushing fan myself." - Some Deranged Fan
Dressed as a Romulan at Gally (1999)
"I thought Sean Connery was a better Bok." - Andrew Hobbs (1999)
"Morris Dancers, Helicopters, Roger Moore, Warmth...this has it all.
I like ice cream." - A Half Dazed Charles Daniels (1999)
"The musical number at the end was by far the best bit." - The summary
line of audience appreciation results (1971)
Rumors & Facts -
There was a long standing rumor that a helicopter was destroyed for this
story. Looking at the budget of the program at the time it's hard to believe
they'd throw away an old egg carton as that might very well constitute their
best prop for an alien starship. The exploding helicopter footage was
taken from the Fox TV special "When Stock Footage Explodes".
If we are to take this story into evidence of the occult it seems that
all one needs to create an incantation to summon a Saint is a passing
knowledge of how to sing various nursery rhymes, read Dr Seuss backwards,
and dance about to the teletubby theme song.
For fun the writers decided to write in yet another destruction of Atlantis
scenario. It was immediately spotted and recognised as a major continuity
problem, so in the time honoured tradition of Doctor Who it was immediately
put to priority one status for filming.
The popular children's puppet character Sooty appears as one of the Bastard's
devil-worshipping acolytes in episode five. He was a late addition to the
cast, replacing Gonzo.
At the end of season 8 The Bastard had grown incredibly popular. Bastardmania
was apporaching full swing and to capitalize quickly on the demand for more
Bastard Merchandise I'm Dreamin' ended with Roger Delgado singing his new
single, which for a brief period dominated UK charts -
"I see my beard, in my mind
The beard of evil that circles time
It's full when others stubble find
To seek an itch they always grind
Infernal Wisdom is my guide
I AM, The Bastard!
Through purple haze my Tardis flies
to taste the secret source of life
An essence Hendrix can't deny exists
Within, outside, behind, the attitude of venetian blinds
I am the Bastard!
My voyeur distracts the corset of time
Lew knows you say, but are you heard?
Lew's searching indeed to find the beard
that grows so darkly in the night!
toward that growth I guide my flight
As razors move to end my kind
metallic teeth begin to grind
with sword of truth I turn to sight
the satanic parlours of the night
Is your beard before your mind?
Am I...The Bastard?"