Nightclub Of The Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Sixty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special Thanks To Greebo Slaphappy For Plots Ideas Which I Inversed, Twisted
and Altered Beyond Human Recognition

 Serial KKK - Nightclub Of The Dustbins -

In the 20th Century, Sir Reginald Stylish is at Elderly House, preparing for
the start of a worldwide conference on the joys of drug abuse. The leader of
every nation (and a few potential nations, depending on the outcomes of some
wars) will be there to sign a bill Sir Reginald has developed which will
legalize the drug LSD for all time.

When someone begins to kill Sir Reginald Stylish slowly over a three week
period with a spoon, the 3rd Doctor and Jo Grant investigate. Jo mistakes
some rare 2000 year old Persian cheese for LSD and eats the last known
samples of that kind of cheese in existence.   The cheese police hold her
for genocide but they eventually decide she's just too daft to be criminally

Meanwhile, the Doctor tries to contact the potential assassins of Sir Stylish.
People in tye-dye military fatigues capture the Doctor and Jo.  Jo escapes,
but accidentally mistakes their time and space device for a blender.  Setting
the controls for "Ice Breaker" she finds herself at a very boring party in
the 22nd Century.  She notices a Dustbin at the party and never having had
relations with a cybernetic mutant she comes onto it heavily.  Later Jo
claims they were just friends but some revealing pictures come to light
which seem to contradict this assessment of the relationship.

It seems the rebels want to kill Sir Reginald Stylish because they believe
he wrote legislation that would make LSD ILLEGAL around the world forever.
The rebels explode Elderly House during the conference, keeping the bill
from becoming law. But as a result, illegal drug pushers gradually built
up in strength, gaining control of most world governments by 2004.
This is somewhat ironic as politicians still can't get elected if they've
done any sort of drugs, even whippits, in that futuristic year.
They set off a series of nuclear wars while having a particularly powerful
high, devastating Earth by the mid 21st Century. Then, the Dustbins came.

The Dustbins took advantage of Earth's premature devastation to move up
their plans by a century. But when they land on the Earth's surface, the
first thing they clean up is a batch of LSD that the Prime Minister had
dropped into the Thames River for a laugh. Before long, the Dustbins are
hooked, and become party animals. The LSD lovin' majority of Earth's
population is put in charge, and the entire planet is turned into a
nightclub. The non-LSD influenced minority are forced to do construction,
make the food and drinks, and play Grateful Dead music - 24 hours a day.
The main populous is generally annoyed when they discover nothing has been
slipped into their morning coffee.

The Doctor deduces that the rebels are the victims of their own efforts.  When
they try to kill Stylish, they wind up blowing up all the other leaders.
Stylish was actually trying to *LEGALIZE* LSD, as the name STYLISH would imply,
but no one else will to dare after the conflagration. They are responsible for
their own future due to a pesky time paradox (played by Rowan Atkinson). If
they can keep the explosion from happening, the bill will be signed, LSD will
be free in boxes of cereal by 2020, and the only people in chartered
accountancy will be people who *want* that job...poor bastards.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Trips Out In Rainbow Land
                         Doctor Mysterio Dustbin Noche Discos
                         Zaphod Beeblebrox's Guide To Hoopy Nightclubs

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed bedazzled for most this story
          "My hands is a sandwhich Jo!!"

 Fashion Victims - Jo wears orange go-go boots, a green frilly shirt with
                   "Available" written in the front in red, and a skirt
                   so short it was officially catalogued as a mini-scarf
                   in the wardrobe department.

 Goofs - One of the Dustbins speaks only French
         The Dustbins' mind probe shows the complete opening sequences for
         every story, including the full cast and story names
         The Prime Minister's silly face and strange voice remain unexplained
         Why do all 22nd Century Women refer to the Doctor as "Daddy"?
         It's lucky that the Dustbins build their HQ so close to where UNIT
         and Elderly House were.
         In episode one the guerilla's time machine is a complex 22nd century
         device of awe and wonder - in episode 2 it's the base of a blender.
         The Dustbins show off their cleverness by attacking the house from
         the rear, but their total stupidity in allowing everyone to escape
         out the front door.

 Technobabble - The Dustbins have "A time magnet with a freaky factor of

 Links & References - The Doctor remarks that it could be worse. Imagine
 if the Adorable Teletubbies had set up the nightclub empire.

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor has met Napoleon: "Boney," I said "An army marches on it's feet!"

 Dialogue Disasters -

 "No One Can Withstand The Power Vac of the Dustbins!!"  is repeated one too
  many times.

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 DOCTOR: There are many sorts of ghosts, Jo.   Ghosts From My Pants And
         Ghosts From N-Space.

 STYLISH: Don't worry, Doctor. We'll pass the bill. We know what will happen
          if we fail.
  DOCTOR: So do we. We've already seen it.
      JO: Yeah, and it's far out ...
  DOCTOR: Shut up, Jo.

 PRIME MINISTER: (To a Dustbin) Who day it may be you who is
                 cleaned and tidied, right off the face of the Earth.

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "WOW!  This was like 2001: A Space Odyssey but with more drugs, and more
  story, and with British people instead of space ships!"
   - Confused American (1976)

 "I'm sick of the repetition!  I want the Dustbins to finally win!  Clean
  the Doctor out and win for once.  It's about time they had their day in
  the sunshine."  - Several Surveyed Fans (1971)

 "The Dustbins were in this story??  I feel they didn't work to standard.
  They were just tacked on!"  - Many A Disappointed Fan 1971-1999

 "LSD?  That stands for Love the Sodding Dustbins!"  - Charles Daniels (1999)

 Rumors & Facts -

It is interesting to note this is the introduction of The Morons.  The Morons
are weird ape like alien slaves of the Dustbins.  The Morons were never
described or named in the original script yet many fans found their looks
on screen terrifying and their name was definitely fitting.  The Morons
made a few notable appearances during the 3rd Doctor's era but were largely
forgotten until the Doctor Who novels of the 1990s.

Though their are many rumours to the contrary it is now known after a review
of the contemporary documents that Terry Nation was paid his regular fee of
25 human souls per episode of the Dustbins' appearance.

Shortly after this programme's original broadcast, a politician named Sir
Reginald Stylish actually did have a conference where he proposed
to get legalize of LSD. The conference was held at Elderly House. The House
exploded during the conference, killing everyone inside. Every politician ever
asked has insisted it was a coincidence, then offered the reporter asking some