The She Devils
An alternate Programme Guide by
Sixty-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
The Lint Of Love
Serial LLL - The She Devils -
Jo sneaks onto a remote island to visit the Bastard. To her surprise
she sees her co-worker the Doctor already in his cell chatting away.
Jealous and curious about the Doctor and the Bastard's true relationship
she trips over a table while she tries to lean in and eavesdrop, making
her look like a ridiculous clutz.
The Governor, General Trenchcoat, tells them that local BritRail trains
have been mysteriously arriving on schedule. Immediately sensing something
is foul they investigate and the Doctor is attacked by a bikini clad
Bilurian, a woman-like red devil wet dream called a She Devil.
The Doctor discovers that the Bastard, assisted by a Columbo-loving
General Trenchcoat, is stealing groovy hypnotic music from a
Royal-Navy-run Discotheque that will control the She Devils and
make them thoughtless love slaves. The Doctor suffers from his
disease of moral righteousness and sets out to stop this award
The Doctor enters the She Devil's pleasure lair and tries to get
them to conform to right thinking good everyday morality, but the
sound of the psychedelic music blaring from the jukeboxes and the
sounds of the cages shaking as the She Devils dance, completely
drown out his pleas.
His efforts are further destroyed by the evil prophet on earth, Christopher
Walken. The Doctor persuades Walken to allow him a final attempt to
get the She Devils into proper jobs but in the meantime the She Devils
capture the entire Naval fleet - with no resistance.
Plotting for extra time the Doctor discovers that Walken will only
eat toast. Destroying the bases entire supply of warm buttery scrumptious
toast Walken is as helpless as a panda without bamboo, and starts to
starve to death.
The evil Bastard takes advantage of his ability to dress like various
members of the Village People to escape from prison and forces the
Doctor to help him obtain the hypnotic erotic subliminal disco music,
which will revive She Devil colonies all over the earth.
The She Devils want to kill the Bastard, because the tapes are merely
a cheap gimmick that are only used by the most pathetic of social losers,
but the Doctor knocks out the DJ with his Venusian Mind Grip and takes
his place. Replacing the disco music with extremely terrible Christian
Rock music the Doctor ensures that the Bastard can escape so he can
return in the next story.
For absolutely no reason whatsoever that I can discern, the She Devils
are blown up. Perhaps they did it themselves so they could stop
listening to the Doctor's inept DJ work.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who The Straight Up G Playa'
Doctor Mysterio Discos Lusty Lusty
Bastard Lust Products & Ads as seen
in various adult magazines everywhere!
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed ready to rock for most this story
"You magnificient BASTARD!! Oh how I love..loathe you!"
Fashion Victims -
Jo in white flared trouser suit, red crash helmet, and peep hole
bra worn on the outside of her clothing
The insane glitter rimmed sun glasses with the words "DJ ROCK"
written on the lenses when The Doctor starts to DJ
The helicopter sent to rescue the Doctor and Jo changes in mid-flight
(it begins as a green Tonka toy but is a grey Sevans model when it
arrives). Jo leaves her panties in the Bastard's cell, but she
is wearing them again a few minutes later when she's climbing up
that ladder...ohh why couldnt they have at least TRIED to keep
this part consistent???
The Master's cell is for some reason covered in racks of swords
and loaded automatic weapons.
How did the rescue helicopter arrive before the Doctor asked for it?
Top secret FTL UNIT helicopters? Are these the same black helicopters
that are mutilating all my cattle?
Why is the submarine hijacked and yet I have never once been hijacked
by She Devils? Couldnt some She Devils carjack me? Why dont the
She Devils attack the escaping submarine? I wouldnt try to escape
and I wouldnt mind if they attacked me.
In episode six, the Doctor tinkering with the sound system disables
the She Devils, and the Bastard just stands there strokes his beard
The Doctor reverses the polarity of the neutron flow. In the drinking
game this is worth 4 shots.
Links & References -
The Bastard sits in his cell watching a Teletubby marathon and mimicking
their baby-like language
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor is a friend of Nelson. No, not Admiral Nelson, the
sad 80s band Nelson!
Dialogue Disasters -
Trenchcoat to Jo: Time for a quick one?
Trenchcoat to Bastard: I can't keep it up you know!
Dialogue Triumphs -
BASTARD: Do you think I could have another colour television set?
Life on this primitive planet isnt worth living outside
of that wondrous glow of the beautiful Sony Trinitron!
BASTARD: (About the Teletubbies) It seems to be a rather interesting
extraterrestial life form.
DOCTOR: You dont know the half of it!
DOCTOR: He used to be a friend of mine once...a very good friend.
In fact, you might even say a VERY good friend.
DOCTOR: If Nelson had been in charge of this operation, I hardly
think things would be so bad now.
CAPT. HART: Yes...a pretty impulsive fellow. If one believes history
DOCTOR: What? Not Admiral Nelson! The Blonde Chaps! Nelson are
personal friends of mine.
WALKEN: So the Doctor is dead? Well I guess that means I'll
have his round of toast this morning!
[In infamous prison visiting scene]
BASTARD: Why Doctor! Miss Grant! What a very pleasant surprise.
Have you been convicted and sent to prison as well?
DOCTOR: Yes...well, um...something like that old chap! How are you?
BASTARD: As you see, very well. Trying to keep fit, drink beer, watching
all this lovely colour television.
TRENCHCOAT: Right! Well I'll leave you all together. Shoot the
guard when you want to escape.
DOCTOR: Thank you general.
BASTARD: He's quite a decent sort really. He used to be the governor
of a colony once he tells me.
DOCTOR: Very violent wasnt it? In fact I think they had a bloody
revolt and removed him shortly after he took power! Charming
fellow. I have a warm spot for heartless dictators myself.
BASTARD: Oh yes, I've got everything I want. Except of course my MTV.
I want my MTV.
DOCTOR: You can consider yourself lucky. Quite a few people were
considering having you executed.
BASTARD: My dear Doctor, I have VH1...so I suffer beyond mere death.
But dont think I'm not grateful. I've had a chance to
think about things while I've been in here.
DOCTOR: Have you now?
BASTARD: I wish something like this had happened a long time ago.
JO: Surely you dont like being locked up.
BASTARD: No...but being rogerred up the ass everyday, has given me
a chance to reconsider my life.
DOCTOR: Am I to take it that you're a changed man?
BASTARD: Is that so very incredible? After all I am a great deal
JO: You're telling us!
DOCTOR: In that case perhaps you'd like to tell us the whereabouts
of your TARDIS.
BASTARD: So you could use it to joy ride across the galaxy Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes..I MEAN NO!! So that I can make absolutely certain
that you can't.
BASTARD: No I'm sorry. That is too much to ask.
DOCTOR: Ask a silly question. Come on Jo, think it's time to piss off.
(Looking towards the BASTARD) Is there anything I can do for
you at all?
BASTARD: There is one thing, please come in now and then to have
a chat. Oh, Trenchcoat is a very nice man, but he can't
keep it up.
BASTARD: Goodbye Miss Grant. And goodbye Doctor. I sincerely
hope we meet again very soon, but for now I'm going off
to the showers...they are SO invigorating!
Viewers' Quotes -
"There are only two types of people in this world. Those who like
hot buttery toast and those who, for some reason, choose to reject
the goodness and is heated bread. Quite frankly, these people
have always angered me."
- Chistopher Walken, Breakfast Of Champions Magazine, Special Toast Issue
"I really don't like like Doctor Who. I never watch science fiction.
I just sit around home drunk all day. But DAMN! Those She Devils
are great! They ever been in porn?"
- 95% of the Male Population (1983)
"I would like to complain about last weeks episode of Doctor Who.
I have been an Admiral for 23 years and never once have I been
molested or had my vessels conquered by rampaging She Devils.
And whatever force is responsible for that, I'd like to complain to!"
- Admiral Nelson, Not The Blonde Guys (1972)
"The She Devils are sexy. Think Peri was a She Devil? What about
Katy Manning? I dunno, time to eat some toast Captain Winky!"
- Charles Daniels (1999)
Rumors & Facts -
Fans of Doctor Who in 1972 were wrapped up in wild rumors and scandal.
At the same time The She Devil was released a very questionable series
of commericals featuring various members of the Doctor Who cast started
to be aired on television. These commericals were paid for by the
"Fruit Lovers Of England" which many had assumed were people who
either farmed or sold fruit. However this was actually a deviant
subculture who had formed in the late 60s in London's Soho district.
The first commerical which aired at this time showed the Doctor
stumble onto the Brigadier squeezing large melons in a local grocery
market and then hiding his face as the Doctor walked by. Due to
the handling of the melon, and the slogan "Melons, They're Not Just
For Eating Anymore" British audiences were shocked at what they felt
might be hints that the Brigadier may very well be performing indecent
acts with said fruit. Even though various complaints were recieved the
adverts had already been filmed and finished and the entire series
was eventually aired. Every week British audiences would tune into
more explicit and deranged ads for...improper uses of large fruits.
The story The She Devils, which featured go-go dancing red devil
girls, did nothing to dissuade viewers from thinking the worst
about the moral stance of Doctor Who.
In my own recent research I've discovered the shocking revelation
that no complaint was ever issued from Mary Whitehouse about these
incidents. In my relatively short time as a half-assed Doctor Who
researcher I have discovered that if Mary Whitehouse is NOT complaining
something is SERIOUSLY WRONG!
I will share with you further details as I uncover them and then
sneakily paraphrase them from official sources just enough to not
be sued for plagarism.