The Tub of Cute
An alternate Programme Guide by
Forty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial QQ - The Tub of Cute -
After the Doctor and Victoria finish up their wall crashing sexual orgy
the TARDIS is trapped in yucky strange sticky tubbycustard. The Doctor
eventually frees the TARDIS from the strange substance after being
chased across the galaxy by tubbytoast. He materializes in London,
at the Covert Gardeners underground station, and is disappointed
as he wanted to buy a teddy bear at the Paddington Station.
They meet an old friend Professor Depravers who confesses he's
shagged a tellytubby, the Doctor thankfully refuses to forgive him.
This has brought the return of the Great Narrator and the burning
baby face of hate in the sky. The Teletubbies are at play in
the underground which is now covered in the same tubbycustard
as the TARDIS was trapped in.
The Doctor soon meets the head of the international Teletubby
fan club, the infamous cross-dressing military officer himself,
Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart (Lethtub-Stewart, or Tispy-Wipsy to
Fortunately the Great Narrator controls the actions of Staff Sergeant
Arnold Schwarzenegger. It realises that the tubbyobsessed
would be a more logical choice but it has an instinctual fear of anyone
who likes the Teletubbies THAT much.
At first the Doctor and his companions are seperated and captured
by the possessed Schwarzenegger. After making sure they are
alone with no friends to help them he forces Jamie and Victoria
to watch hardcore pornography on a teletubby's (Po's) stomach and
have sex with each other at gun point. For the finale he wants
to end it in a big explosion and take out the entire underground.
Eventually the Doctor discovers that his companions and Depravers
are being held hostage by the Great Narrator. He decides to sit
and watch how he toys with his companions while he forms a brilliant
All hope seems lost when the Great Narrator places a "brain-draining"
device on the Doctor's head. It is a virtual helmet that fills the
Doctor's vision with teletubby reruns, each precious episode robs
him of vital IQ points. The Great Narrator doesn't know that he's
reverse the polarity of the mylar flow on the tapes and is actually
enjoying the entire run of the Quatermass series. With the enhanced
brain-power he nicks a ton of great ideas off Quartermass and the Pit
and nearly destroys the Great Narrator. He stops short of the Narrator's
final destruction so he can return in a future story. His companions
and the military think this reasoning is mad and the Doctor tries
to explain how marketable this set up is, but nobody listens.
The Great Narrator is free again to menace humanity in his own
television series. The Doctor and his companions leave the army
to clean up the mess they made on the carpet.
In the novel of this story Lethbridge-Stewart sees the evil of
his Teletubby fandom and sets up an international taskforce to stop
them and their kind.
This is a UNIT's seed story.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Tubbies of Cuteness
I Was a Doctor Who Teletubby - By Tinky Winky
"Don't Ask, I'll Tell You Anyway - The
Life and Career of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart"
aka "Five Rounds Rapid!"
Fluffs - Troughton seemed unable to control his laughter for most this story
The Doctor calls Victoria "Debbie" during their big sex scene
Fashion Victims - Victoria finds a swingin' short skirt plus beads
in the Doctor's bedroom. Lethbridge-Stewart's
tan beret with "I'm A Doctor Who Reader" pin and
his "Laa Laa Is My Friend" patch on his miltary
uniform, not to mention his disturbing "Tipsy-Wipsy"
Goofs - The Teletubbies change colors and sexual-orientations faster
than bi-sexual in a house warming orgy. When Jamie and
Victoria are watching the porn film on Po's stomach he
comments that he's seen this one before.
When talking about "electronic vibrators", the Doctor says
they are "a little after your time, I think, Victoria".
As Victoria comes from 1866, he's wrong: the first electronic
vibrator was invented and released by Thomas Edison in 1863.
The "explosion" at the beginning of episode one happens MANY
times...maybe the Doctor is capable regenerating particular
parts of his body again and again.
Technobabble - "Well f*|< him! I've reversed the polarity of the
mylar flow! That will f*|< his arse over!"
Says the Doctor in a rare excitable mood.
Links - Directly following the events of 'The Enema of the World',
reference is made to Moe being blown out into space.
The walls are still falling down and the Doctor still
has a durex on.
Dialogue Disasters -
CHROLEY: (with tape recorder) Tell me, Professor Depravers, will you
be in charge of the scientific section, or will your daughter?
DEPRAVERS: Piss off!
CHORLEY: ..and how long do you think it's going to take you to remove
this microphone once I shove it up your arse you old bastard?
One week? Three, perhaps?
DEPRAVERS: How the hell should I know. I guess till it fell out.
I like things up my bum!
CHROLEY: Of course.
DEPRAVERS: (into microphone) It's more likely I'll shove this microphone
up this reporter's bottom and make him squeal like a pig as
I anally rape him for the sure bloody joy of it! There.
Do you like that Mr. Straight Teeth, Media Whore?
Dialogue Triumphs -
VICTORIA: Can you do it?
DOCTOR: I'll try but I'll have to get to a better position!
VICTORIA: Where are we?
DOCTOR: I really don't give a toss. Now be a dear and take off your
VICTORIA: Now is that safe?
DOCTOR: Oh I shouldn't think so for a moment. Jamie....I think we're
going to need electronic vibrators.
SCHWARZENEGGER: Du Har, Jamie!
VICTORIA: We'll never have sex for your twisted amusement!
JAMIE: I think we best do what he says, Victoria!
VICTORIA: How can you possibly say that Jamie?!
JAMIE: 'ow the 'ell couldn't I?!
ANNE DEPRAVERS: That's that. The whole of the circle jerk gone.
We're completely jacked off.
CAPT. KNIGHT: Yes. We can't get out and no one can get in. None of
the old in and out. Not very healthy, is it?
LETHBRIDGE: This Narrator. Exactly what is it?
THE DOCTOR: Well I wish I could give you a precise answer. Perhaps the
best way to describe it is a sort of formless, shapeless,
kinky thing, floating about in space like a cloud of mist
only with a mind and a willie.
LETHBRIDGE: What's it after? What's it want?
THE DOCTOR: I wish I knew. The only thing I know for sure is that
it's into leather and bondage.
THE NARRATOR: Revenge is a petty human emotion. My purpose for you is
far more interesting.
THE DOCTOR: And what's that?
THE NARRATOR: Through time and space and bad porn films I have observed
you Doctor. Your perversion surpasses that of all other
THE DOCTOR: What do you want?
THE NARRATOR: YOU! Your perverse desires will be invaluable to me,
therefore I have invented a machine that will drain
all past sexual fantasies and experience from your
THE DOCTOR: NO! You can't! It will leave me a gibbering geek!
Rumors & Facts -
This story featured a pulsating nude woman over the end credits.
Why? Well no one knows. All that can be said is that this shows
and reflects just how wonderful and strange the Second Doctor's
era can be. Episode one of this story was saved by popular
demand as Victoria has sex with the Doctor, Jamie, and several
kitchen appliances aboard the TARDIS.
Both the 60s and the Doctor seemed in full swing.
Much has been said about the episodes two through..the other ones,
five or six of them or whatever. I really just watch episode one
and the pulsating nude woman. I hear it has some great scenes
and there are lots of naughty pictures from the story thanks to
Jon Cura and all.
This story is a real gem as it apparently has some sort of plot
as well as all the rompy sex and we also get to watch teletubbies
explode and be shot at with submachine guns, and who hasn't wanted
to do that?
Anyway this story is definitely a classic and I hope all the episodes
are recovered as I really would like to see some more of Victoria's
Total Class Production this one is and that's a fact, not a rumor.
If you have any naughty rumors send them along. I won't update this
entry but I do have a mighty vivid fantasy life.