Full-Frontal In Space

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Sixty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Sit On My Face And Tell Me That You Love Me!
Special Thanks To Paul Curtis for title

 Serial QQQ - Full-Frontal In Space -

 To avoid having to go through the metal detector and an extensive
 search at a spaceport, Jo Grant rips off her clothes and dances
 provocatively at the Squidoid space authorities.  Almost immediately
 Jo finds herself dirty dancing to freedom with the Doctor acting
 as her talent agent.  When they emerge into the world of the future
 outside the people see them as their most vile enemies - BBC Employees.
 The Draconians, an alien humanoid race rivalling Earth for the control
 of television, have taken over the BBC.  The people blame The Draconians
 for all the terrible television on and speak of the golden age of
 Eastenders, Teletubbies, Noel Edmunds, and Channel 5's amazing game
 shows.  The Doctor and Jo however see the true face of the bad
 television culprits: Americans!
 The Americans are secretly controlling world television transmissions,
 editing out nudity and sexuality, but luckily still pushing good old
 wholesome violence, slaughter, and cheap jokes about lesbians.
 A rescue ship takes the Doctor and Jo to earth where they are accused
 of being Star Trek fans.  The Doctor is sent to Moonbase III, where
 he meets the last surviving outcast Blakes 7 and Star Trek fans.
 To everyone's surprise The Bastard shows up!  Together the Bastard
 and Jo rescue the Doctor.
 It is revealed that the Bastard wants to start a war during sweeps week
 between the forces of the Draconian BBC and the entire viewing public
 of earth, using the Americans and their hypnotic high definition
 The Doctor travels in the Bastard's space ship as Jo urges him to
 join the forces of evil.  Jo Grant tries very hard to get the Doctor
 to agree the Bastard's viewpoint that being a psychotic evil bastard
 is a lot of fun!   Stubborn, and still incredibly angry at how the
 Bastard totally abused his phone privileges when they were roomates
 back at the Academy, the Doctor refuses to join his side.
 The Doctor escapes from the Bastard and leaves Jo to fend for herself.
 Upon arriving back on earth the Doctor is captured by the BBC who
 believe he is their mortal enemy, the great great grandson of Mary
 The Doctor eventually convinces the Draconians to cancel The Mr. Blobby
 Show 2500 and to the truth behind the hostilities on earth.
 Meanwhile Jo is vacationing with The Bastard on the terrifying and
 bleak American Planet, New Detroit.
 The Doctor follows after Jo, and finally discovers her working at
 a strip club in the capital city of New Detriot.  There he notices
 this part of the planet is eeriely clean, and deduces the TRUE
 Masterminds behind this plot - THE DUSTBINS!
 The Doctor wins the day but the Bastard escapes, as per usual.
 The Dustbins laugh and flee after the Doctor is severely injured
 by a crazy American named "Bubba Joe Briggs".

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Full-Frontal Picture Book
                         Doctor Mysterio Loco Slutto Extremo
 The Official Jo Grant Gets Her Kit Off With The Dustbins Colouring Book

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed British for most this story (obviously!)
          Pertwee keeps interrupting people, asking if anyone has
          seen his pen, even in scenes where he is clearly elsewhere
          in the storyline.

 Fashion Victims - The Bastard wearing a silver leisure suit, a cowboy
                   hat, large silver mirror sun glasses, gold chains,
                   and generally dressing like Las Vegas casino trash
                   whilst on New Detroit

 Fashion Triumphs - Jo clad in nothing but cowgirl boots and an orange
                    feather boa

 Goofs - If the Bastard's device makes people see their greatest
         fear, why does Jo see Spot from Carnival of Munsters?
         He was a down right friendly looking dragon..well other
         than when he destroyed everything.
         Jo splits her trousers while trying to escape the Japanese
         business men in episode three.  Her tights change colour
         from scene to scene (but luckily on some occasions she
         isnt wearing any at all!).
         Big strings holding up the Doctor further betrays the obvious
         stunt puppet that was used in many of the fight scenes in this
         story.   I can see how they might use a proper human stunt
         double, but did they really think mere puppetry would be
         adequate for complex kickboxing fight scenes??

 Technobabble - "Of course!  The hypnotic ions of this television
                 set are controlled by Ameritronic energy!!"

 Links & References -
 The Bastard says he hasnt had such fun with Jo since she
 decided to "grant" him conjugal visits in prison. (The She Devils)

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor complains that at the academy the Bastard would call
 phone sex lines for the forces of evil and run up their sacred
 Phone Bill of Rassilon.  It is suggested that the incredibly
 obscene phone bills still owed to RassilonCom, The Phone Company
 of Rassilon, were part of the reason both the Bastard and the Doctor
 fled Gallifrey.

 Dialogue Disasters -

 Moon Guard 1: Where do you think that Doctor fellow is now?
 Moon Guard 2: He escaped on a lightship, he's probably half way
               to Pluto by now.
 Doctor: Umm..excuse me, Dave, John...have either of you seen my
         pen?  Oh, oh..we're filming?  Sorry.

 Draconian Head of Programming: But what's wrong with Mr. Blobby 2500?

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 Department of Serials: You know me, I just can't start my day
                        without a nice, refreshing Mind Probe.

 The Bastard to the Head of the Draconian BBC -
 No one is more excited by your proposal to bring back The Clangers,
 than I.

 Bastard with contempt for his allies: Dustbins!  Stupid tin ashtrays!

 The great and rambling speeches from Jo, The Voice of Reason -
 JO: Look Doctor, the Bastard is just trying to offer you a fair
     part of the deal, you dumb ass.  You are really pissing me
     off opposing him every week!  Why don't you just admit that
     you've lost this one and get on to having fun conquering the
     universe in a blood bath of destruction and mayhem?  I don't
     know about you, but that sounds a lot more fun to me!

 Doctor: All my life I have opposed your evil, and I would never
         join forces with such a Bastard!  He ran up the phone
         bills and..ohh..is that my pen?
 Bastard: In a reminiscent mood are you Doctor?  Poor Miss Grant,
          you have my deepest sympathies.  And dear Doctor..I took
          your pen and threw it out the air lock. (Evil bastard laugh)

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "The model filming in this story was excellent.  I mean just LOOK
  at those models!"  - Jimmy JJ Walker (1974)

 "They were my favorite Monsters.  I let everyone know that those
  were just the sort of monsters I'd like to deal with.  So of
  course they said 'Piss off Jon, next week we're doing Dustbins
  again.'"       - Jon Pertwee, on my Quija Board (1999)

 "Doctor Who will go on FOREVER!  There will be no end to the
  Dustbins, the Bastard, or the sluts the Doctor travels with.
  Every generation is a new potential race of Doctor Who fans.
  I tattooed a Dustbin on my retina, wanna see?  Huh? Huh?"
  - The most annoying fan polled in the BBC's Audience Research
    Report (1973)

 "The Draconian BBC is of course a fascist oppressive tool of
  the crushing police state which has enslaved earth.  However
  the quality of programming is well worth both the licence fee
  and the state of fear and oppression we so greatly enjoy."
   - Typical BBC Audience Research Report answer (2540)

 "Full-Frontal In Space is very good TV porn.  The very horny nature
  of the conflict works extremely well - both sides are convincingly
  aroused, and Morecome Puke...manages to avoid making the Draconians
  too kinky."
  - Charles Daniels, Dr Who Television Companion, page 243 (1998)

 Rumors & Facts -

 Due to strict laws against nudity and sexual situations in various
countries, most notably America, this entire six episode story was
re-edited when sent abroad into a totally impossible to understand
15 minute version, a vast majority of which was Jon Pertwee asking
for his pen.  Indeed because of this, for it's American premiere
the story's title was changed from "Full-Frontal In Space" to
"Doctor Who Searches For His Pen Across The Cosmos".   This story
was not well recieved by American audiences for just this reason.
 When the story was finally released on video various mistakes in the
packaging led American buyers to believe the story was in black
and white, spanish, and 1500 minutes long.  Even though this hurt
the sales in the population of Doctor Who fans, loyal buyers and
watchers of pornography bought this video in great numbers.
This is why the story is now one of the best selling Doctor Who
videos ever released.
 The audience reaction in England was strong from the start.  This
story was instantly popular and spun off tv-tie in novels, magazines,
and even dodgy colouring books.  Several political groups complained
of the pornographic materials contained in the adventure and it's
subsequent spin offs.  One member of the House of Lords summed up
their objections best when he said "However in the world am I
expected to keep up with this stuff and buy it all?!  I like pornography,
as the tabloids will tell, but there is such a thing as too much of
a good thing!"