The Tree Doctors

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Sixty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special Thanks To PM Andrew Hobbs for providing the musical lyrics

 Serial RRR - The Tree Doctors -

 The perversion of the Time Lords is being drained by a black hole known
 only as Bob-321.  A Cosmic Ray Research Weather Balloon lands in Roswell,
 New Mexico, or so says the government, bringing back with it The Blob!
 The Blob eats and dematerializes things on contact.
 It expands and besieges the Doctor and Jo in the TARDIS' swinger pad
 room, which has been left unused for years.  The only way the Time Lords
 can help is by sending the Doctor his previous selves - Penguin Man
 and Frustrated Old Bastard.  The Dandy Doctor and the swingin' happy
 penguin man do not get along.  The second Doctor is terrified to see
 his swinger pad so abandoned and his future self such a stuck up asexual
 The first Doctor is stuck in a time bubble and can not interact with
 the rest of the universe.  This causes him endless sexual frustation
 as he tries to chat up Jo Grant but finds himself unable to touch
 anything accept himself.  Surprisingly this isnt as big of an adjustment
 for him as one might expect.
 The Tree Doctors discover that the incidents are being caused by Omigod,
 a bitter cross dresser trapped behind a desk on the other side of the
 black hole in a universe of anti-stuff for thousands of years while the
 rest of his race went on to become Time Lords.  Omigod wants the Doctor
 to move the desk so he can move out from behind it once and for all and
 be free.  Omigod also plans for the Doctor to take his place, stuck
 behind the desk for all eternity.  But it is too late - anti-stuff
 radiation has already destroyed the body of Omigod, only his dress, his
 fancy dress helmet, and his will remains to control his world.  His rage
 from being god-like, yet still trapped and pinned against a piece
 of unwieldy office furniture, has driven him insane.  Omigod wants to
 destroy the universe, but the second Doctor plays some recorder music
 from his positive-stuff recorder, and Omigod is so terrified by the
 tuneless playing he turns himself into a supernova, whose energy will
 replenish the Time Lord's perversion.
 The Tree Doctor make 10 minutes of jokes about The Larch tree
 and return to their own times and places.
 The 3rd Doctor returns to earth where he discovers the Time Lords
 have given him something incredibly special back.

Book(s)/Other Related- Doctor Who & The Tree Doctors (The Misprint
                       Doctor Mysterio El Treeo Del Physician
                       The Doctor's Guide To Trees and How To TREE-ET Them

 Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
          Troughton seemed bitchy for most of this story
          Pertwee seemed wooden for most this story
          "Excuse me fir a minute Douglas."

 Just Plain Freaky -
 In episode 2 Troughton whips off his face mask to reveal he is the
 Bastard!   After two minutes of running back and forth between
 corridors in a silly walk, Robert Delgado puts the face mask back
 on and Troughton continues on to play the role for the rest of the
 story.  This brief scene is never referenced in any way, in anything,

 Fashion Victims -
 Jo is in a blue fur coat, mini-skirt, platform boots, and running panty
 hose.  Just the sort of gear necessary to street walk on a hostile rocky
 alien world.

 Goofs -
 The Brigadier says UNIT HQ is "a top secret establishment"...however
 he does this at 6pm Saturday night on BBC1 and gives directions to
 the installation in case anyone wants to take the tour.
 Jo's knickers can be seen - but not often enough!

 Technobabble -
 The Brigadier's description of the X-Rays as "space lightening"
 prompts the Doctor to guess at "a sort of controlled superlucent
 emission" to which the Brigadier replies "Dont ask me Skippy,
 I just work here."
 The Doctor explains everything in our universe is made of stuff
 and the black hole is the universe of anti-stuff.

 Links & References -
 The Brigadier mentions his previous meetings with the Second Doctor
 and the events of Head From Ace, but the Doctor is ignorant of the
 Autons, saying "What the fuck are you on about old chap?"
 Nicholas Courtney also breaks the fourth wall completely in episode
 2 when he meets the first Doctor in the time bubble -
 Brigadier: We've met before havent we?
 1st Doctor: No m'boy.  Not quite.
 Brigadier: What are you on about Bill?  I was Bret Von remember!
 1st Doctor: Oh yes, quite.

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The 1st Doctor complains he was removed from time just before he
 was about to molest the horny bikini clad devil girls of Lusticon IV.
 (Although its much more likely due to the bulky walkie-talkie apparatus
  he is seen briefly wearing that he was actually taken from the
  Lair of Zarbi Supremo)

 Dialogue Disasters -

 Brigadier: Time and space my ass!  We're in Cromer!

 Jo: I am he is you are me is coo-coo-ca-choo and we are all
 2nd Doctor: Are you quite alright dear?
 Jo: I am the Walrus!
 2nd Doctor: Have you been drinking LSD again?

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 (The Brigadier watches as Troughton whips off his mask, becomes
 the Bastard, dances around, and then becomes Troughton again) -
 "As long as he does the job, he can wear what face he likes!"

 1st Doctor: So you're my replacements, a prissy and a penguin!

 2nd Doctor: I am he, and a total fuckin' wanker!

 3rd Doctor: Well Sargeant, arent you going to say it's bigger
             on the inside than it is on the out.
 Benton: No please, Doctor, just zip up your trousers.

 3rd Doctor: (To Omigod) All my life I've known of you and honoured
             you as our greatest hero.
 Omigod: Omigod!!  You are just trying to rub it in now arent you?!

 The final touching scene of the story -
 DOCTOR: I remember now!!!
 JO GRANT: Yes Doctor?  What?
 JO GRANT: We're you now?
 DOCTOR: Yes!  The Time Lords!  They've restored me!!  Dont you see?
         Ive been forgiven!   They've given me back my libido!
 JO GRANT: So I guess you'll be off to shag the universe then?
 DOCTOR: NO!  Not just yet...Ive got people to shag right here
         on earth!   Come on Jo!

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "This guy is an all powerful god over everything, and yet he's
  stuck behind a really heavy desk?  I think they're just dicking
  me around now!"                   - Father James O'Maley (1973)

 "This was a lot like Wizard of Oz, with a hell of a lot fewer midgets."
   - Julian Knott, A Voyage Through 25 Years Of Doctor Who (1988)

 "This is the best trans-time blackhole blob flick of all time."
                          -  Joe Bob Briggs, Monstervision (1998)

 "The end of this story has always brought a tear to my eye.  Like
  A Christmas Carol, or Its A Wonderful Life, but with more sex."
                                         - Charles Daniels (1999)

 Rumors & Facts -

 The production team decided to make a story involving all three
Doctors after William Hartnell held them up at gun point demanding
that he was the Doctor and he wanted a job.
 The production team seeked out Patrick Troughton and found him
dressed as a killer tree in the mythological horror film "The Tree
>From Hell."  Troughton was persuaded to leave the extremely important
role of a spanish speaking tree terrorising hapless villagers with
the promise that he could swear all he wanted to in the Tree Doctors.
Troughton had grown so attached to the role of the Tree From Hell
that he demanded the anniversary special have the word Tree in the title.
At first the script writer refused but Troughton reminded him that
The Tree From Hell would take him back during their stage tour and
he would leave the show if he didnt get his way.  So the title was
altered from The Three Doctors to the Tree Doctors and dismissed
as a typo.
 The BBC had noticed an increase in ratings whenever the Bastard
appeared in a story.  So in order to work him into the The Tree Doctors
a short scene was contrived on the spot.  No one was forewarned about
it and it has caused several sad fan boys to collaspe in a brain fever
trying to correctly fit it into established continuity.
 Meanwhile in order to get a sense of timeless hell within the time
bubble all the scenes were shot in Hartnell's garage as he sat in
the driver's seat of his 1972 mini.

 Finally a special anniversary record was released to celebrate 10
years of Doctor Who.   The single was sung by Jon Pertwee with
the musical assistance of The Velvet Underground -

I Am the Doctor ("So you are." said Jo Grant)

I am he as he is me but you're not me and we can have some tea together
See how we run like Yates from a gun see how we hide
I'm lying
Eating lots of cornflakes - waiting for a jeep to come
"W.A.N.K. the U.N.I.T." t-shirt, Bloody Mary Tuesdays
Jo you've been a naughty girl with your legs so long
I am the Timelord, they are the Timelords, I am the Doctor GOO GOO GOO
U.N.I.T. soldiers sitting pretty little soldiers in a row
See how they're fried from Lucy in the Sky they have the runs
I'm lying - I'm lying, I'm lying
Jell-O cats with mustard dripping from a dead frogs thigh
I got crabs from my wife then I made a porno
Jo you've been a naughty girl now let your knickers down
I am the Timelord, they are the Timelords, I am the Doctor GOO GOO GOO
Sitting in a broken TARDIS scratching me own bum
If the itch won't go you get relief from using Preparation H
I am the Timelord, they are the Timelords, I am the Doctor GOO GOO GOO
Master Bastard bloated floater don't you think the Daleks laugh at you?
See how they fire at Thals in the mire see how they glide
I'm lying
Cybernetic Bastard pulling down the Eiffel Tower
Man looks like a penguin kicking Hare Krishnas
but man you should've seen him drinking with the Brigadier
I am the Timelord, they are they Timelords, I am the Doctor GOO GOO GOO