Peanut of the Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Seventieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Wrong Numbers

 Serial SSS - Peanut Of The Dustbins -

 Escaping from the Dustbins, the TARDIS lands on a planet-sized peanut
 named Spiridon.  Jo has used her eerie knowledge of the bed deployment
 system aboard the TARDIS and she has offered the Doctor some mid-flight
 entertainment.  The Doctor is in an old body and nearly killed by Jo's
 young energy.  After landing Jo realises she's done more to the Doctor
 than she expected.  Scared, and not aware of the Doctor's amazing
 recuperative powers, she notes the Doctor has not yet recovered
 from their physical activity.  Stumbling out of the TARDIS she sees
 the bumper sticker newly affixed to the door "If This Capsules a'rockin'
 don't come a'knockin'" and feels a twinge of guilt.  Jo then sets out
 to find help and meets old acquaintances of the Time Lord, the Dulls,
 who are on a suicide mission to eat the entire peanut, thus killing
 themselves and the Dustbins whom are tidying it.
 Jo contracts an embarrassing fungus disease from one of the natives
 and is kidnapped by an invisible obscene phone caller transvestite.
 The purple fur coated pervert takes an interest in Jo and makes a
 very disgusting bargain to get a cure.
 The Dulls tell the Doctor, now recovered and wandering the planet
 half naked looking for his pen, that there are thousands of Dapol
 Dustbins on Spiridon, immobilised by ice cubes but ready to become
 an army and conquer the Galaxy with the unwilling help of the perverts
 of Spiridon, who retain the secret of invisibility and talking dirty
 but still being able to pull chicks.
 The Doctor is quickly captured by the Dustbins and forced to give
 countless politically correct pep talks to the Dull prisoners.
 After watching them play backgammon for several hours the Doctor
 waits until something exciting happens.  On the peanut's surface
 Jo and the invisible Eddie Izzard admirer discover the Dustbins
 plans to explode bombs of Insto-Tidy, which is both a powerful
 cleaning and killing agent.  As the bomb clicks down closer and
 closer to zero, Jo finally does something intelligent and sets
 them back all the way to off.  Her obscene friend is amazed at
 her creative solution, but she explains her microwave works the
 same way at home.
 The Doctor escapes miraculously, off camera, finds the resting
 place of the Dapol Dustbins and then easily washes them away when
 he tips over his glass of ice water on top of them.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Cracks A Nut
                         Doctor Mysterio Vortex Bouncy Bouncy A Go-Go
         What To Wear For A Night On The Town When You're Transparent

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed nuts for most this story
          Pertwee refuses to help the Dulls until they help him look
          for his pen, this is not in the original script and obviously
          not done in character.

 Fashion Victims - Jo's flares and shoulder pads, also her mood ring
                   and rainbow friendship bracelet
                   The obscene phone caller's unfortunate fashion
                   statement of a purple fur coat makes this story
                   Eddie Izzard Meets The Invisible Man

 Fashion Triumphs - Jo with her kit off for both the Doctor and
                    the Dustbins

 Goofs - Trapped underneath Jo with a dwindling air supply, the
         Doctor takes time to remove all remaining clothing and
         change the batteries in the sonic screwdriver for his
         The door handles on the Dull spaceship move in circle
         revealing either "Vacant" or "Occupied".
         The ship also contains a rotary phone and apparently
         even in a Dustbin war zone pizza delivery is still
         guaranteed in under 30 minutes.
         When the Dulls take cover in the plain of stones in
         episode 4, a huge dark shape, which is actually an
         alcoholic stagehand wandering into the shot, can be seen.
         The second Dustbin, pursuing Jo and the obscene phone
         caller, knocks into a polystyrene "rock" and as it falls
         it knocks the aforementioned stagehand unconscious.
         The two illegally hired foreigner stagecrew who operate
         the door on the Dustbin ship can clearly be seen lounging
         around the set when not opening or closing doors.
         The Dustbin Supreme's lights are amazingly out of sync
         with his dialogue and appear to be simple christmas lights!
         The Doctor seems to have forgotten that he chased the Dustbins
         to Spiridon, and he obviously isn't aware of the story title
         because he is shocked to see a Dustbin at the end of episode 1.

 Technobabble - The Dustbins use an anti-dust-reflecting shield to combat
                dust wave emissions.  The Doctor turns the TARDIS log
                into a Dustbin killing device by dismantling the
                circuitry, reversing the polarity, and turning it into a
                low power short wave radio that only plays news reports
                about mysterious castaways stranded on some uncharted
                desert island

 Links & References -
 The Doctor, wounded by an American (Full-Frontal In Space) does not
 have the stamina to keep up with Jo.
 The Doctor when captured by the Dustbins screams "I have fought your
 evil since the beginning of Serial B!"
 When questioned about this he mentions the recent story The Mootants
 has thrown everything into question.  Due to his comments in
 this story the Radio Times and several programme guides list this
 story as - "Serial B: The Dead Planet Dustbin Mutants Beyond The Sun".
 The Doctor name drops Ian, Barbara, and Susan because the Dulls
 have recorded these people as the most interesting they have ever

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor mentions he once talked to God for about three minutes
 as apparently the almighty needed some advice about the universe
 which he was happy to provide.

 Dialogue Disasters -

 Doctor: (After smashing a Dustbin) You know for a man who abhors
         violence....DAMN THAT KICKED ASS!

 Doctor: Courage isn't not being frightened.  It's being frightened,
         running away and lying about what you did afterwards!

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 Dull: In our legends there is a being.  A god from another planet
       who comes to us in the time of greatest peril.
 Doctor: That is *I*!
 Dull: You are the great and mighty blue elephant of the stars
       who destroys all enemies with 16 flaming swords brought
       forth from 16 hands and who screams from 32 faces?
 Doctor:  I AM...The DOCTOR!
 Dull: Ohhh..yeah, well there's that guy too.

 Dull: What of Ian, Barbara, and Susan?
 Doctor: Well Ian and Barbara went off and did their own kinky thing
         back in 1960s England.
 Dull: And Susan?
 Doctor: Oh, I abandoned her in a war torn futuristic wasteland.
 Dull: That is terrible.
 Doctor: Well, the girl was cutting in on my drinkin' time.

 The Classic Doctor and Dull pep talk scene -

 Doctor: Remember, when you go home, don't stop short of glorifying
 Dull: But it was a horrible thing.
 Doctor: Yes, but at least when you were killing people you were
         SOMEWHAT interesting.  I've travelled the cosmos and I've
         never met a species more dull than you.  Even the Eckers
         were more interesting.  Remember, don't just tell them
         about the loneliness and the fear, tell them about the
         kick ass thrill you get from smashing Dustbins.
 Dull: But that's madness!
 Doctor: Well I'm sick and tired of fightin' the buggers by myself!

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "Whoa man!  I have NO CLUE that the Dustbins were going to show up
  like that.  I mean I read the title and I knew the Peanut belonged
  to the Dustbins, but that they would actually SHOW UP?  Totally
  floored me!"   - Prof. I.M. Moron,  April 1973

 "Mmm..peanut."  - Homer Simpson (1995)

 "Even though it lacks a sense of wonder or any originality whatsoever,
  it at least tries to be an epic story about the impossibility of eating
  a planet sized peanut as the only possible avenue of freedom.  It's
  kind of an allegory for the Scottish bid for independence if you just
  pretend the English are the Dustbins and Scotland is a peanut."
   - Doctor Who: An Adventure In Sandwhich Spreads, Tim Robbinson (1986)

 "I love it!  It's a rewrite of the original Dustbins story with
  more invisible transvestites, nudity, and obscene phone calls!"
                         - Charles Daniels (1999)

 Rumors & Facts -

 1973 was a troubling time for the World's Favorite Mop Combo.
 The band had been on a downward spiral since 1969 when they released
 the completely uninspired album "Dust!" which spawned a spin off
 motion picture, which was immediately banned in Ireland, and ignored
 entirely elsewhere.
 In 1972 they came crawling back to Doctor Who to get some free
 publicity on a weekly basis.  The first story Nightclub of the
 Dustbins was to promote their album "Rubber Hose" which also proved
 a disappointment.  The additional attention paid to Rubber Hose
 in Peanut of the Dustbins was not noticed by the general public.
 The Dustbins were split down the middle on how they wanted to proceed
 artistically.  Half of the combo, Dust Linen and one of the other
 Dustbins, wanted to continue to experiment with drugs and write
 groovy rock tunes.  The other half, Crawl McDusty and whoever the
 other guy was on his side, wanted to live up to their reputations
 as vile killing machines who wreck havoc on the cosmos and put it
 back together all nice and tidy afterwards.

Dust! (Linen/McDusty)

Dust, My it's dusty,
Dust, It's really dusty,
Dust, you know I'm in dust, dust.

When I was dustier, so much dustier than today,
I never needed anybody's dust in any way.
But now the dust is gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and dusted up the doors.

Dust me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you cleanin' round.
Dust me, get my sweep back off the ground,
Won't you please, please dust me?

And now my dust has changed in oh so many ways,
My importance seems to vanish in the glaze.
And every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just dust you like I've never done before.

Dust me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you cleanin' round.
Dust me, get my sweep back off the ground,
Won't you please, please dust me?