The Clean Breath
An alternate Programme Guide by
Seventy-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial TTT - The Clean Breath -
The village people of Llanfairfachbiscuit in Wales are delighted when
the local Global World Oppression Corporation unit gets a Government
grant to build a full-scale garlic refinery. The villagers are quickly
depressed to learn the grant they are getting isn't money, but the
loaning of an explosive demolition expert, Jo Grant, who is in charge of
building the entire complex. The hard working Welsh garlic miners don't
trust Jo to get the job done.
Meanwhile the project is being fiercely opposed by ecologist, and Young
Ones idol, Professor Cliff Richard. Cliff Richard has set up a commune
in the valley dubbed Nuthutch by the locals. Professor Richard fears
the refinery is a great danger as all the British Isles will reek of
garlic after it's completion. Instead Professor Richard suggests a
new fungus that will have all the health benefits and taste of garlic
but won't smell of old socks.
A strange death in one of the many misused old garlic mines brings
UNIT/WANK itself onto the scene. They call for the Doctor who promptly
runs off to Meetmeinbedin 3, just to avoid his official responsibilities.
At the site of the complex several protesters wave signs about calling
for the end of social injustice, except for one very strange one ranting
on with a sign reading "I Saved The Dustbins".
By the time the Doctor is kicked off the alien planet and returns to
earth he finds things have dramatically changed.
Jo now opposes the construction of the garlic refinery and has joined
forces with Cliff Richard. The Doctor is immediately suspicious of
Cliff due to his amazingly clean breath in the middle of garlic country.
Looking into the mystery more the Doctor is quickly attacked by giant
inflated condoms which spew out a disgusting mystery slime, fatal to
the touch. Using his skills as an accomplished crossdresser the Doctor
disguises himself as an old lady -- for no apparent reason. Walking
around, obviously a man dressed as an old granny, the Doctor finds
he can't stop Yates from pinching his bum! Using his new wardrobe
as a not-so-clever disguise, The Doctor then tries to contact the
director of the project, Ian Chesterton, but finds his mind has been
completely taken over by a computer of his own design - WOTAN 2:
This Time It's Personal.
The Doctor uses the only souvenir he brought back from Meetmeinbedin 3 -
a Blue Dildo - to successfully counteract the hypnotic powers of WOTAN 2
and beat Ian Chesterton over the head with it.
The Doctor finally succeeds in stopping both the condoms and WOTAN 2.
The government reconsiders it's position on the Chesterton/WOTAN 2/Garlic
Refinery matter and decides to fund the bright and upcoming thinker
Professor Cliff Richard instead. The Government also demands that any
charges, warrants, or other criminal responsibility held by Cliff Richard
resulting from the protests or any other previous actions be revoked and
The Doctor arrogantly boasts of a job well done, but his victory
celebrations are short lived. Upon returning to Jo Grant's bedroom for
his usual "Post-Saving The Universe Sex Party" sessions, he discovers
another visitor in Jo Grant's bed. The clean breathing, mushroom lovin'
Professor Cliff Richard rips off his face mask to reveal that he is --
THE BASTARD. At first the Doctor is outraged and threatens to turn over
the Bastard to UNIT authorities, but he is quickly reminded that all
charges have been dismissed by the government and he is now fully backed
Jo confesses her undying love for the Bastard and he proposes to her
Two weeks later the Doctor is the Bastard's best man, and Yates is the
Bridesmaid. Before the ceremony The Doctor gives his Jo Grant the blue
Dildo as a wedding present. During the joyous union of companion and
super villain the Doctor quietly slips out of the wedding, gets into
Bessie, and starts to mow down random pedestrians in his car in a mad
fit of rage.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Loses His Ass
Doctor Mysterio Slut Rut A-Go-Go
How To Crush Your Enemies, Even If You're Evil
By Mr. I.M. Bastard
Jo Grant: The Nude Years
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed ready to road rage for most this story
Pertwee breaks character when walking down a corridor in
episode 3, he finally finds his pen, and breaks down in
a happy tears
Fashion Victims - The Bastard disguises himself as Cliff Richard until
Jo's trouser suit makes her look like a crazed Blondie
The Doctor wears a bright red waistcoat, bathes
himself in Hai-Karate aftershave and then drinks
some straight out of the bottle
Fashion Triumphs - Jo Grant getting naked and jiggy with the Bastard
Goofs - How in the hell do you MINE GARLIC!?!?!? Garlic miners?
The end credits are played upside down in episodes 2, 5, and 6
and played in Catonese in 1, 3 and 4.
Cliff Richard's veggie followers appear to be wearing fur and
sheep skin coats, and have leather fashion accessories.
Technobabble - The Doctor says the sight of Jo having sex with the
Bastard hurt him more than "being punched in the
hypothalamus with a quirk neutron submatrix blowtorch"
Links & References -
Jo mentions she's loved the Bastard since Error of the Autons (EEE)
and that it's the Doctor's own fault for not realising how much
of a lovely snookums he is.
Untelevised Misadventures -
There are some very disturbing untelevised misadventures judging by
what the Doctor says to Jo in episode six -
"The Bastard doesn't love you as much as you think he does. Trust me.
I thought he loved me once, back at the academy. I know he's good in
bed, but trust me. This guy is a total plonker."
Dialogue Disasters -
JO: I'm up on the slag heap with the professor, wanna watch?
IAN: But WOTAN 2: This Time It's Personal, do you want to kill them?
WOTAN 2: I can not kill them, Doctor Who is required.
IAN: Too bad, there would be a certain joy in killing them.
WOTAN 2: Living dangerously! That's how you get your kicks like the
good little Nietzschean you are.
IAN: Oi? Come again?
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR: Want to have a shag before the wedding?
JO GRANT: But I've only got ten minutes!
DOCTOR: JO! I have a freakin' time machine! You know complete control
over the fourth dimension. That is why I'm a freakin' lord of
time! You've got all the time in the world...and all the space,
with me, and I'm offering them to you baby.
JO GRANT: But Doctor, don't you understand? I've got to go. The
Bastard, he's everything I want. In a funny way, he reminds
me of a sort of...younger you.
DOCTOR: YOUNGER!?!? That...BASTARD!!
JO GRANT: Well more handsome anyway...well he does remind me of you
anyway, but better.
DOCTOR: I don't know whether to feel flattered or insulted. I'm leaning
towards the latter. Anyway it's alright, Jo, I understand.
Just leave me behind, to grow old and die.
JO GRANT: Thanks Doctor! Thank you!
DOCTOR: What!?!? You're still leaving after that?!? I was trying to
be all comforting yet heart breakingly pathetic.
JO GRANT: Right.
JO GRANT: Right...umm..bye you weirdo. [Jo exits]
DOCTOR: [Yelling] GOODBYE!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU GO OFF AND MARRY MY
VILE ENEMY HAVE FUN! [After a moment] And so another bimbo
dumps me to run off with some jerk.
DOCTOR: Chesterton listen to me! You've seen where this efficiency
of yours leads to. People smelling of garlic, devilish
condom beasts, spawned by the flithy products of your technology.
Women..women running around like brainless vegetables...hey,
wait a minute. I think I'm beginning to see where this
efficiency of yours leads to!
(The wedding vows)
"And do you, Jo Grant promise to love, honour, cherish and OBEY..
you will obey...The Bastard?"
(The final conversation between Jo and the Doctor)
JO GRANT: You don't mind do you?
DOCTOR: Mind? Mind? No, why should I mind that your leaving UNIT
to run off with my recently pardoned archnemesis who has made
us all look like fools after years of chasing him for his crimes
against humanity? He might even be able to turn you into
a super villainess.
JO GRANT: That's great! Don't go too far away will you, and visit us
sometime. The Bastard would love to show you his entire doll
collection one day.
Viewers' Quotes -
"It's disturbing...it's chillingly phallic."
- Keith Topping, DWB No. 123 (1994)
"Climbing aboard Bessie, the Doctor takes one last look back, alone
into the distance, once more...alone. And so the end of another
companion for the Doctor, and a very sad ending to a truly fantastic
series. That final shot..it conveyed the feeling of loneliness and
innerturmoil he was experiencing as he mowed down innocent people
on High Street venting his pain and killing innocent pedestrians,
it was a deep pain the Doctor had experienced so many times before,
and to see him so driven by depression as to run over people with
Bessie even as the run away screaming in terror...excuse me, I think
I've got to cry now."
- Some Guy I Just Asked "Hey, you ever see Doctor Who?"
What a freak!
"Nothing wrong with this story, boyo!"
- Llanford Llanfland, Welshman's Weekly (1973)
"A lot of people were surprised Jo Grant ran off with the Bastard
over the Doctor. I think it just serves him right for being such
a stuck up upper class prat for so long. I mean the Bastard may be
pure evil, but he knows how to party. A girl like Jo respects that."
- Charles Daniels (1999)
Rumors & Facts -
The scenes on Meetmeinbedin 3 were filmed on location in my backyard.
I have no contemporary documentation of this fact, but I was in my
backyard at the time and I know what I saw.
Katy Manning was actually shacking up with the actor who played Cliff
Richard/The Bastard at the time. This isn't so surprising at it seems
she was shacking up with most the cast, quite a few of the crew, and
some of the viewers at this time.
Sets from the series Puppet Action Theatre were used to create WOTAN 2:
This Time it's Personal.
To create some of the inflated condoms - inflated condoms were used. This
provides an odd example of the BBC doing something sensible with the
Season 10 proved to be a vital period in the history of the series. This
doesn't mean the previous nine and the following sixteen were unimportant
crap eras, but hey I've got to make season 10 sound impressive and worth
reading about because this is the season 10 wrap up!
Ironically The Doctor regains his sexual perversion just in time to have
his companion run off with his opponent The Bastard. The departure of
The Bastard and Jo Grant at the end of this season caused the entire
series to go into a wacky uncertainity that hadn't been felt since Error
of the Autons. Jon Pertwee was so despondent by the changes that were
about to come to the series that one day he drove off the BBC lot in
Bessie and started to mow down pedestrians in the streets of London.
Luckily several cameras caught this and the footage was hastily added at
the end of episode six.