The Slime Warrior
An alternate Programme Guide by
Seventy-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
Serial UUU - The Slime Warrior -
Unix, an alien pizza delivery being of the hastily named Snotaran
race, lands his ship, crippled by Ru-tans, in medieval England outside
a castle belonging to Arthur, King of the Britons. The castle, Camelot,
is a silly place and they refuse to accept the delivery of pizza as
that service is unknown in England for the next thousand years. Unix
is forced to walk to another castle, notorious for sinking into a swamp,
in order to deliver the pizza to a very greedy man clichely named,
Irongron The Iron On. Unix is impressed by the primitive man's dream
of using specially designed iron on patches as fashion accessories.
Immediately recognising someone who is smart enough to respect novelty,
but far too stupid to do anything useful with it, Unix offers Irongorn
advanced weapons technology in return for shelter and a shrubbery.
Whilst building some flintlock rifles and robotic knight named
RoboRobbin, Unix invents a crudely inaccurate time machine which oddly
meshes the 10th and 20th centuries.
Unix uses this time travel, which he dubs "Wackola Temporala", to
walk into UNIT HQ, an organization so secret, so secure, that the
large sign saying "UNIT HQ", can be seen from space.
The Doctor notices several time disturbances on his time detector,
which he has built out of a shoe lace, a penny, and a Crunchie bar.
His experiments to detect the source of the time disturbance are
ironically disturbed by a short woman with a small moustache, wearing
jeans and a brown sweater.
The Doctor mistakes the woman, Sarah Jane Smith, for a teenage boy
and gets yelled at loudly when he tries to dispatch her dismissively.
Sarah Jane Smith instantly spots the Doctor as an evil jerk and tells
him so. Noting her "Fight For Feminism" arm band, Sarah informs the
Doctor that his days of fascist oppression are over.
Confronted by this aggressive assault on his world view, The Doctor
kindly asks Sarah Jane if she would be kind enough to make him a pot of
tea, and seems shocked at her negative reaction.
The Doctor decides to run into his TARDIS and hide out, but Sarah Jane
forces her way in just before the TARDIS dematerializes. The Doctor
runs out of the TARDIS as fast as he can and uses his specially designed
time detector to find Irongron's castle. Sarah Jane leaves the TARDIS
and goes the other way, where she arrives at and befriends the knights in
an oddly placed French Castle.
At Irongron's castle Unix immediately spots and captures the Doctor.
With interrogation so vile, so cruel, so hideous it had to be cut out
of the television broadcast version, Unix discovers that the Doctor
is a Time Lord. Just as Unix is about to drain the Doctor's mind of
the secrets of reliable time travel, a Scotland Yard Detective, Detective
So-And-So Of The Yard to be precise, bursts into the secret torture lair
to take Unix in for questioning for his crimes against humanity.
Upon confiscating the torture equipment and pizza, The Intergalactic
Revenue Service charge Unix with 84 Billion Pounds advanced taxes.
The Doctor cleverly escapes the greedy hands of Outland Revenue as
he has for thousands of years. The Doctor runs as far as he can and
befriends the loonies of Camelot.
Later Sarah Jane and her Elite French Feminist Legion attack and
overtake Irongron's castle while the Doctor tells the knights of Camelot
that he has a lovely Holy Grail in his TARDIS. The Knights escort the
Doctor back to his TARDIS and kill all the tax collectors who try to
ambush them on their way.
Upon reaching the TARDIS the brave and dangerous knights meet the
army of fascist french female extremists led by Sarah Jane Smith.
The battle that ensues involves a variety of live stock, and the
escape of both the Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith into time and space.
At the end of the story the Doctor eats the Crunchie bar in his
temporal detector and is powered by temporal energy. He then becomes
SUPER DISCO DOCTOR!
This was the first appearance of Pertwee's Super Disco alter ego.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And Attack Of The Snotaran
Doctor Mysterio Uno Snotaran Loco
It Takes A Pillage To Raise A Clone, By General
Wackola Temporala Or Time Travel For Dummies
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed about to go medieval for most this story
Pertwee sings the lyrics to "Staying Alive" in a drunken
Welsh slur at the end of episode 4, his fluffed version
also includes references to "glow in the dark underwear"
from what small bits I could make out.
Fashion Victims - Sarah's obviously fake moustache, brown sweater
and arm band
The Doctor at the end of episode 4 is dressed like
an avenging disco godfather
Fashion Triumphs - The gold chains Pertwee's Super Disco Doctor wears
dazzle the eye
Goofs - Irongron tries to rev up the horse like a Harley
Sarah Jane never seems to be bothered by the castle of horny
young women or by their strange requests for a spanking. One
would think these are just the sort of women she's out to kung
fu kick. Zoot has weird effects on mortals I guess.
People often complain about the anachronistic appearance of
potatoes in the story -- yet few people complain about the
appearance of Scotland Yard and Outland Revenue!
Technobabble - "The Crunchie bar shall energize me with temporal
Links & References -
The Brigadier tells the Doctor that Jo Grant and the Bastard have taken
their honeymoon on Meetmeinbedin 3
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor causally says to the Knights of Camelot -
"How did I come across the grail? Well JC and me were having supper
and he didn't like the otter noses or the quail's tongues, so I popped
off to the year 2000 and picked him up a pizza. Anyway in return
I asked him for his cup. A silly request it seemed at the time...
but I'm so bloody brilliant you see?"
Dialogue Disasters -
Sarah Jane is annoyed with the women of French castle and screams
"You're living in the middle ages!!!!" Which is of course, eerily
accurate, but also eerily obvious for a story set in the 10th century!
Irongron: I didn't want to be an evil leader you know? I wanted to
Doctor: Well I didn't want to be a good doer wonderful philanthropist
you know, I wanted to be an actor on BBC.
Irongron: Ummm...you are Jon.
Doctor: Dear me! I was talking in character you bastard!
Irongron: I'll chop him in to teeny tiny pieces so tiny they'll
be teeny and tiny!
Bloodaxe: Yours is indeed a towering intelligence!
Old Crone: Aye, the Doctor is a longshanked rascal with a mighty
nose and clothes a rainbow to their own taste!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Irongron: You have to ask me what to do?? YOU FOOLS! Any enemy of
my friend is my friend's enemy! Clear?
DOCTOR: What about these scientists working in time travel? How
advanced are they?
BRIGADIER: Most of the time the scientists don't know what they're
DOCTOR: So the research is that secret?
BRIGADIER: No, the scientists are that stupid.
Seconds before being severely beaten by Sarah Jane Smith -
DOCTOR: A straight line is the shortest distance between two
points, and you have two such lovely points!
The classic dialogue toward the end of episode 4 -
SARAH: But you're talking as if you weren't human.
DOCTOR: Yes, well, the definition of the word "humanity" is always
a rather complex question isn't it?
SARAH: Umm..no, not really. Seems pretty straight forward to me.
DOCTOR: Well just play along a little bit, I'm trying to be mystical
and lay some groovy woowoo shit on you.
SARAH: You're serious aren't you?
DOCTOR: About what I do, yes. Not about the way I do it. After all
I was a penguin once.
Viewers' Quotes -
"This is the first appearance of the Snotarans and Sarah Jane Smith.
They both needed to be a touch more fascist and evil I think. I
like evil things. I'm pretty evil myself actually, on weekends.
You know I'm not a full time evil person because it would interfere
with my work if I were. But I really would like to be evil.
I could do an evil laugh. It would be fun to be evil, it would
be interesting, and not so god awful dull, dull, so mind numbingly
DULL!" - A Chartered Accountant asked about the serial (1984)
"Tis a silly story." - Arthur, King of the Britons (932 AD)
"Umm..I think the queen watched it when it first aired, and then
turned it off after five minutes. The thing is that the script
I downloaded off the internet says that there was to be another
bit in episode 3 with a Wild King Brian. Of course the contemporary
documentation of the time doesn't support this whatsoever. When
I first became interested in the research of this particular story.."
- This guy I met at a convention who insisted he be called a
"Doctor Who Historian" because he'd read each of the Handbooks.
"Man this story really screwed me up. I watched it just once and
I was never EVER able to look at Mr. Potato Head ever again without
freaking out." - Charles Daniels (2000)
Rumors & Facts -
For years fans misheard the name of the alien menace which was introduced
in this story as a "Sontaran". Luckily this common mistake was cleared
up once and for all in "The Doctor - Thirty Years Of Time Travel". This
impeccable source overrides all other written materials in terms of the
pure research and attention to detail which was so obviously slaved over
in the examination of Doctor Who.
What is interesting is that another completely different companion,
portrayed by a different actress was to be introduced in this story.
The identity of the actress and the nature of the character has long
been a mystery. All that was known is that by the time rehearsals
had come around it was obvious a total reconsideration was needed.
Just recently I uncovered the truth behind this entire story. While
talking to my friend, Robert Llyallgen, Head of the BBC Welsh Relations
Department, he told me that he had been directly involved in this
At the time the writers wanted to try a totally new companion type for
the Doctor. They wanted a much more bold female companion to be the
assistant. The casting director recalled seeing a woman on a episode
of Monty Python's Flying Circus whom he felt would be perfect for the
role. All he recalled however was that she had a Welsh accent and was
The Doctor Who offices contacted Robert Llyallgen at the BBC Welsh
Relations Department and he immediately realized who they wanted.
All seemed to be going perfectly until the Doctor Who team discovered
that the actress spotted by the casting director was none other than
Terry Jones in drag. Terry Jones was apparently heart broken at losing
the role of Mandy, simple housewife by day, femme fatale ninja by night.
This is indeed a loss for all Doctor Who fans everywhere.