The Slime Warrior

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Seventy-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide
O' Feminism

 Serial UUU - The Slime Warrior  -

  Unix, an alien pizza delivery being of the hastily named Snotaran
 race, lands his ship, crippled by Ru-tans, in medieval England outside
 a castle belonging to Arthur, King of the Britons.  The castle, Camelot,
 is a silly place and they refuse to accept the delivery of pizza as
 that service is unknown in England for the next thousand years.  Unix
 is forced to walk to another castle, notorious for sinking into a swamp,
 in order to deliver the pizza to a very greedy man clichely named,
 Irongron The Iron On.  Unix is impressed by the primitive man's dream
 of using specially designed iron on patches as fashion accessories.
  Immediately recognising someone who is smart enough to respect novelty,
 but far too stupid to do anything useful with it, Unix offers Irongorn
 advanced weapons technology in return for shelter and a shrubbery.
  Whilst building some flintlock rifles and robotic knight named
 RoboRobbin, Unix invents a crudely inaccurate time machine which oddly
 meshes the 10th and 20th centuries.
  Unix uses this time travel, which he dubs "Wackola Temporala", to
 walk into UNIT HQ, an organization so secret, so secure, that the
 large sign saying "UNIT HQ", can be seen from space.
  The Doctor notices several time disturbances on his time detector,
 which he has built out of a shoe lace, a penny, and a Crunchie bar.
 His experiments to detect the source of the time disturbance are
 ironically disturbed by a short woman with a small moustache, wearing
 jeans and a brown sweater.
  The Doctor mistakes the woman, Sarah Jane Smith, for a teenage boy
 and gets yelled at loudly when he tries to dispatch her dismissively.
 Sarah Jane Smith instantly spots the Doctor as an evil jerk and tells
 him so.  Noting her "Fight For Feminism" arm band, Sarah informs the
 Doctor that his days of fascist oppression are over.
  Confronted by this aggressive assault on his world view, The Doctor
 kindly asks Sarah Jane if she would be kind enough to make him a pot of
 tea, and seems shocked at her negative reaction.
  The Doctor decides to run into his TARDIS and hide out, but Sarah Jane
 forces her way in just before the TARDIS dematerializes.  The Doctor
 runs out of the TARDIS as fast as he can and uses his specially designed
 time detector to find Irongron's castle.  Sarah Jane leaves the TARDIS
 and goes the other way, where she arrives at and befriends the knights in
 an oddly placed French Castle.
  At Irongron's castle Unix immediately spots and captures the Doctor.
 With interrogation so vile, so cruel, so hideous it had to be cut out
 of the television broadcast version, Unix discovers that the Doctor
 is a Time Lord.  Just as Unix is about to drain the Doctor's mind of
 the secrets of reliable time travel, a Scotland Yard Detective, Detective
 So-And-So Of The Yard to be precise, bursts into the secret torture lair
 to take Unix in for questioning for his crimes against humanity.
 Upon confiscating the torture equipment and pizza, The Intergalactic
 Revenue Service charge Unix with 84 Billion Pounds advanced taxes.
  The Doctor cleverly escapes the greedy hands of Outland Revenue as
 he has for thousands of years.  The Doctor runs as far as he can and
 befriends the loonies of Camelot.
  Later Sarah Jane and her Elite French Feminist Legion attack and
 overtake Irongron's castle while the Doctor tells the knights of Camelot
 that he has a lovely Holy Grail in his TARDIS.  The Knights escort the
 Doctor back to his TARDIS and kill all the tax collectors who try to
 ambush them on their way.
  Upon reaching the TARDIS the brave and dangerous knights meet the
 army of fascist french female extremists led by Sarah Jane Smith.
 The battle that ensues involves a variety of live stock, and the
 escape of both the Doctor and Sarah Jane Smith into time and space.
  At the end of the story the Doctor eats the Crunchie bar in his
 temporal detector and is powered by temporal energy.  He then becomes
 This was the first appearance of Pertwee's Super Disco alter ego.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And Attack Of The Snotaran
                         Doctor Mysterio Uno Snotaran Loco
                         It Takes A Pillage To Raise A Clone, By General
                         Wackola Temporala Or Time Travel For Dummies

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed about to go medieval for most this story
          Pertwee sings the lyrics to "Staying Alive" in a drunken
          Welsh slur at the end of episode 4, his fluffed version
          also includes references to "glow in the dark underwear"
          from what small bits I could make out.

 Fashion Victims - Sarah's obviously fake moustache, brown sweater
                   and arm band
                   The Doctor at the end of episode 4 is dressed like
                   an avenging disco godfather

 Fashion Triumphs - The gold chains Pertwee's Super Disco Doctor wears
                    dazzle the eye

 Goofs - Irongron tries to rev up the horse like a Harley
         Sarah Jane never seems to be bothered by the castle of horny
         young women or by their strange requests for a spanking.  One
         would think these are just the sort of women she's out to kung
         fu kick.  Zoot has weird effects on mortals I guess.
         People often complain about the anachronistic appearance of
         potatoes in the story -- yet few people complain about the
         appearance of Scotland Yard and Outland Revenue!

 Technobabble - "The Crunchie bar shall energize me with temporal
                 discometric photons!"

 Links & References -
 The Brigadier tells the Doctor that Jo Grant and the Bastard have taken
 their honeymoon on Meetmeinbedin 3

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor causally says to the Knights of Camelot  -
 "How did I come across the grail?  Well JC and me were having supper
  and he didn't like the otter noses or the quail's tongues, so I popped
  off to the year 2000 and picked him up a pizza.  Anyway in return
  I asked him for his cup.  A silly request it seemed at the time...
  but I'm so bloody brilliant you see?"

 Dialogue Disasters -

 Sarah Jane is annoyed with the women of French castle and screams
 "You're living in the middle ages!!!!"  Which is of course, eerily
  accurate, but also eerily obvious for a story set in the 10th century!

 Irongron: I didn't want to be an evil leader you know?  I wanted to
           be...a lumberjack!
 Doctor: Well I didn't want to be a good doer wonderful philanthropist
         you know, I wanted to be an actor on BBC.
 Irongron: are Jon.
 Doctor: Dear me!  I was talking in character you bastard!

 Irongron: I'll chop him in to teeny tiny pieces so tiny they'll
           be teeny and tiny!
 Bloodaxe: Yours is indeed a towering intelligence!

 Old Crone: Aye, the Doctor is a longshanked rascal with a mighty
            nose and clothes a rainbow to their own taste!

 Dialogue Triumphs -

 Irongron: You have to ask me what to do??  YOU FOOLS!  Any enemy of
           my friend is my friend's enemy!   Clear?

 DOCTOR: What about these scientists working in time travel?  How
         advanced are they?
 BRIGADIER: Most of the time the scientists don't know what they're
            doing themselves!
 DOCTOR: So the research is that secret?
 BRIGADIER: No, the scientists are that stupid.

 Seconds before being severely beaten by Sarah Jane Smith -
 DOCTOR: A straight line is the shortest distance between two
         points, and you have two such lovely points!

 The classic dialogue toward the end of episode 4 -
 SARAH: But you're talking as if you weren't human.
 DOCTOR: Yes, well, the definition of the word "humanity" is always
         a rather complex question isn't it?
 SARAH:, not really.  Seems pretty straight forward to me.
 DOCTOR: Well just play along a little bit, I'm trying to be mystical
         and lay some groovy woowoo shit on you.
 SARAH: You're serious aren't you?
 DOCTOR: About what I do, yes.  Not about the way I do it.  After all
         I was a penguin once.

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "This is the first appearance of the Snotarans and Sarah Jane Smith.
  They both needed to be a touch more fascist and evil I think.  I
  like evil things.  I'm pretty evil myself actually, on weekends.
  You know I'm not a full time evil person because it would interfere
  with my work if I were.  But I really would like to be evil.
  I could do an evil laugh.  It would be fun to be evil, it would
  be interesting, and not so god awful dull, dull, so mind numbingly
  DULL!"   - A Chartered Accountant asked about the serial (1984)

 "Tis a silly story." - Arthur, King of the Britons (932 AD)

 "Umm..I think the queen watched it when it first aired, and then
  turned it off after five minutes.  The thing is that the script
  I downloaded off the internet says that there was to be another
  bit in episode 3 with a Wild King Brian.  Of course the contemporary
  documentation of the time doesn't support this whatsoever.  When
  I first became interested in the research of this particular story.."
  - This guy I met at a convention who insisted he be called a
    "Doctor Who Historian" because he'd read each of the Handbooks.

 "Man this story really screwed me up.  I watched it just once and
  I was never EVER able to look at Mr. Potato Head ever again without
  freaking out."     - Charles Daniels (2000)

 Rumors & Facts -

 For years fans misheard the name of the alien menace which was introduced
in this story as a "Sontaran".  Luckily this common mistake was cleared
up once and for all in "The Doctor - Thirty Years Of Time Travel".  This
impeccable source overrides all other written materials in terms of the
pure research and attention to detail which was so obviously slaved over
in the examination of Doctor Who.
 What is interesting is that another completely different companion,
portrayed by a different actress was to be introduced in this story.
The identity of the actress and the nature of the character has long
been a mystery.  All that was known is that by the time rehearsals
had come around it was obvious a total reconsideration was needed.
Just recently I uncovered the truth behind this entire story. While
talking to my friend, Robert Llyallgen, Head of the BBC Welsh Relations
Department, he told me that he had been directly involved in this
 At the time the writers wanted to try a totally new companion type for
the Doctor.  They wanted a much more bold female companion to be the
assistant.  The casting director recalled seeing a woman on a episode
of Monty Python's Flying Circus whom he felt would be perfect for the
role.  All he recalled however was that she had a Welsh accent and was
named Terry.
 The Doctor Who offices contacted Robert Llyallgen at the BBC Welsh
Relations Department and he immediately realized who they wanted.
All seemed to be going perfectly until the Doctor Who team discovered
that the actress spotted by the casting director was none other than
Terry Jones in drag.  Terry Jones was apparently heart broken at losing
the role of Mandy, simple housewife by day, femme fatale ninja by night.
This is indeed a loss for all Doctor Who fans everywhere.