Death of the Dustbins
An alternate Programme Guide by
Seventy-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Bad Tunes
Special Thanks To PM Andrew Hobbs for writing a hell of a lot of this
and for providing musical lyrics
Serial XXX - Death of the Dustbins
On their way to Piranha Deathtrap 3, a "lovely" planet where the Doctor
has managed to convince Sarah Jane Smith to "go for a dip", Sarah is
yelling at the Doctor for suggesting she wear a bikini. The annoyed
Super Groovy Doctor turns on loud disco music to tune her out, but fails
miserably as she starts yelling about the fuel gauge pointing to "E".
The Doctor assures her that they still have a few light years left on
the tank and there is nothing to worry about. To prove this to her
the Doctor starts to actively man the TARDIS console and pay attention
to the flight path for once, which immediately causes the lights to go
out and the TARDIS to crash land on a near by planet.
The Doctor goes out exploring, leaving Sarah behind by telling her that
her boots are untied, a fib that occupies her for a good twenty-five
minutes until it's time to scream for the cliffhanger. Meanwhile The
Doctor is startled by a bald man, Montel Williams, and immediately beats
the crap out of the talk show host via Venusian Aikido. He runs away
drunkenly and is quickly captured. After introducing himself to his
captors he learns that they are roadies for Montley Crue and he is on the
planet Texaco, the famed planet of petrol! The roadie expedition is to
get gas for the Outer Colonies More Wicked Than Wicked Tour. Montley
Crue desperately need gas fumes to sniff so they can get to work.
However, the entire expedition has about $3.50 between them, which
won't even by enough gas to get their broke asses home. They called Earth
collect to wire more money, but they have decided not to send the money
Western Union, so it could take a while.
Back on the TARDIS, Sarah, finally realizing her boots weren't untied,
steps out side where the bruised talk show host asks if he can help
her. Sarah takes this to mean that she is weak and inferior, and beats
the crap out of him to prove other wise. She then struts proudly toward a
door marked "Employees Only", and is captured and sentenced to death when
she walks to close to it. The Doctor and the expedition run outside as
one spots what he thinks is a relief ship filled with cocaine. They soon
discover otherwise as the ship's door opens and four Dustbins roll out.
They recognize the Doctor and completely ignore him. The Dustbins
immediately begin cleaning the incredibly filthy lavatories left by mad
Montley Crue groupies. They fail to get much cleaning done, however, as
the four Dustbins keep arguing over creative differences.
The Doctor gets bored and wanders off and accidentally bumps into Sarah
about to be sacrificed by the Employees to the Great Night Manager. The
Doctor considers letting the ritual go forward, but decides against it
when he realizes how much paper work he would have to fill out if he
didn't bring her back alive. The Doctor attacks the assistant manager,
knocking over the big bowl of hallucinogens that he was giving to Sarah.
A fight ensues, the Dustbins barge in to immediately and viciously tidy
up as soon as any damage is done. In all the confusion, the even more
confused Sarah Jane Smith grabs the Doctor and pulls him into a
refrigerator. Pursued by the Dustbins, the very cold Doctor and Sarah
try to find their way around a vast network of caves surprisingly
connected to the refrigerator. The Doctor tells Sarah to look behind
her, and ditches her ass. The Doctor continues down a corridor until he
is stopped by a big purple thing with a flash light for an eye, a hose for
a neck, and a really annoying voice. She completely ignores the Doctor and
instead kills the Dustbin sneaking up behind him.
At the same time, Sarah has met an employee named Skippy. Skippy tells
her that he and those like him are persecuted because they refuse to kiss
the managers ass. As soon as the Doctor rejoins them, Skippy helps them
to escape the Dustbins searching the caves. The Dustbins, meanwhile, have
enslaved the employees and are forcing them to clean the lavatories while
the Dustbins continue to argue incessantly. Skippy tells the Doctor and
Sarah that the employees have long been the slaves of the Manager.
He reveals that the manager supposedly lives behind the "Employees Only"
door, though no one has seen him in years. The Doctor sends Sarah to
rescue the members of the Montley Crue roadie expedition and get them
The Doctor and Skippy make their way to the "Employees Only" door. They
try everything from kicking the door in to the Doctor's sonic screwdriver,
but none of it works.
Elsewhere, Sarah has rescued Jelly, the expeditions resident Bimbo.
While she begins preaching to the girl about she needs to break the chains
of oppression from their hiding place, Dust Linen has discovered the
escape and the terrible mess they made in doing it, unable to handle this
failure Dust Linen self destructs.
The Doctor, frustrated with all the failed attempts to break in, finally
just turns the knob. Inside, they find nothing but a peanut butter
and jam sandwich, and a jelly baby. The Doctor switches the two objects
around and while everyone stands around trying to figure out why he did
that the Doctor steals eighty Gazillion pounds worth of petrol! The
Doctor and Sarah make a hasty exit.
Dude Calloway, pissed that he didn't have a better role, decides to blow
up the Dustbin ship. The explosion ignites all the gasoline, destroying
the entire planet, much to the delight of the nearby Shell system.
Back in the TARDIS the Doctor contemplates the horrors he has just
witnessed - the Dustbins have ended as a band of destruction and paved
the way for the rise of Montley Crue.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who and the Montley Crue Action Squad!
Doctor Mysterio EL LOCO PLANETO GASSO EXPLODO SPECTACULARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
Death of the Dustbins Pop Up colouring book
Der Doktor Der Zooreheeven DustenBinen Vho?
Fluffs - Jon Pertwee seemed to have a velvet fetish in this story
"So you think you can distract me?! I have a mind like a
steel trap, nothing can divert me from the cause of -- OOHHH!
Come here and feel this fabric!"
Fashion Victims - Sarah Jane Smith's potato sack dress and matching
Goofs - The Dustbins spend more time arguing than cleaning and tidying
in this story.
The nude pictures tacked on the interior of the Dustbin ship
randomly change between Jo Grant and a gold Dustbin to
Lethbridge-Stewart and a rather ripe melon.
The Dustbins test their new power cleaning tools on small models
of the TARDIS. Do all Dustbins ships include Dapol TARDISes????
What happened to Montel Williams? After he stumbles into the
TARDIS after two beatings he is never addressed again. Is he
still wandering in the TARDIS dazed and confused?
Technobabble - The Doctor explains that Montley Crue's music has risen
so high due to the mysterious "talent vacuum"
Links and References -
The Doctor explains to Sarah that the retracting Disco Ball is one of
the oldest and most important of the TARDIS' special functions.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor explains that once the powers of Montley Crue were so hideous
and he and the Bastard had to team up to defeat them.
SARAH: Sun glasses. Sun lotion. Water Wings.
DOCTOR: You won't need those for a start.
SARAH: But we're going swimming, you said!
DOCTOR: But you can't drown on Piranha.
SARAH: I can drown anywhere, and you can't stop me you chauvinist pig!
DOCTOR: No, but the water can. It's effervescent bubbles support you.
SARAH: So it's like swimming in a bath of Epson salts?
DOCTOR: More like a glass of Alka Seltzer, which is what I need after
talking to you.
SARAH: Well what would you suggest I take then?
SARAH: A bikini!? You just want me to wear that so you can ogle my body
DOCTOR: Yes. OHH! I see, yes that's a problem. Give me a minute....Okay
take two. I have a new reply - Sorry, I just thought you might be
more comfortable in a bathing suit instead of a Potato Sack!
SARAH: Doctor, the needles on "E".
DOCTOR: Oh, don't worry. We've still got a good ten, maybe twenty
light-years. Well, there goes that argument.
SARAH: Don't we have emergency power?
SARAH: Emergency power?
DOCTOR: What for? The TARDIS never runs out of power!
SARAH: But we have lost power!
DOCTOR: Oh. Well, maybe if I flick a few more switches something
SARAH: What? Don't you know what the switches do?
DOCTOR: No, not really. I just flick random switches and hope for the
Now let's see what this one does. Oh good.
If that hadn't worked... ...oh fuck.
CALLOWAY: Aye, he's scared of the wee salt shakers.
DOCTOR: Look, I'm not afraid! I might be! But I just don't want
any more salt on this ham. What did you guys do, drop it
in the dead sea? This is devil brine!
DOCTOR: Inside each of those shells is a living, bubbling, lump of hate.
ROADIE: Wot? The Dustbins?
DOCTOR: No! The Montley Crue groupies!
DUST LINEN: HUMAN FEMALE HAS LEFT A MESS! I HAVE FAILED! I HAVE
FAILED! HUMAN FEMALE HAS LEFT A MESS! I HAVE FAILED!
SELF DESTRUCT - I HAVE FAILED! I HAVE FAILED! I HAVE FAILED!
Viewers' Quotes -
"The Doctor meets the Dustbins and some of them die."
- Excerpt from the never released "JNT's - The Stories" book which
was to follow JNT's witty ramblings after The Companions
"Hey!! SOME GUY IS SELLING THIS STORY IN COLOR ON EBAY!!!!!!"
- Idiot who posted to RADW thinking Death was in black and white (1999)
"I'm working on a new story, Deja Vu Of The Dustbins, it will basically
be a retelling of every single Dustbin story of the last 20 years
featuring the 7th Doctor, Frobisher and a gratuitous 50 page long sex
scene between Ace and Benny."
- I dunno about YOU but this guy sold me on the book idea at Gally 1999!
Anyone know this dude? Does he need a proofreader?
"This story has every bad science fiction cliche - technology too
advanced to understand, single minded robots run amok, strange alien
worlds. What we need are the GOOD science fiction cliches - Nude
Underwater Nymph Fairies, Space Girl Assassins in leather straps
carrying huge phallic guns, space Nazi domination chicks. You know,
the cool stuff." - Charles Daniels in a moment of clarity (2000)
Rumors & Facts -
It was no secret that by the filming of "Death of the Dustbins" and the
simultaneously filming documentary "Tired Of The Same Old Crap" that
things were not all well between the Dustbins themselves. For months they
had been fighting publicly about everything from the proper way to empty
trash receptacle to who's turn it was to trip the old lady. Eventually,
it all exploded when Dust Linen sued Crawl McDusty, McDusty sued Swingo
Carrpetcleaner, and in the confusion, Gorge Harrytrash sued himself.
It was plain to see that the future of the Dustbins was on shaky ground,
especially when Dust Linen self destructed.
Dust was replaced by an identical Dustbin who filmed the rest of
"Tired Of The Same Old Crap", including the infamous roofing scene and
"The Long and Dusty Road", recorded the Dustbins final album, and argued
incessantly with the other three. With the release of "Dusty Road", it
was unclear if fans would ever see their favorite Obsessive-Compulsive
baddies again. It was at this time the infamous Letts-Dicks team began
making plans to turn the show over to a new production team in order to
devote more time their secret time travel experiments that could secure
the show's future...
Let It Rust
When I find myself in some weird pub
the bloody Marys get to me
speaking words of slobbiness
Let it Rust
And when the skillet's rusting away
the psychotic voices call to me
singing words of weirdness
Let it Rust
Let it Rust
Let it Rust
Let it Rust, Let it Rust
What does it really matter? Let it Rust
And when all the broken bottles gather
cutting your mother's feet
the dirty knife is not important
Let it Rust
And when you need to write a really sappy song
that people associate with your break up
just make up some drivel.
Let it Rust