The Monster of Paddington

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Seventy-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial YYY - The Monster Of Paddington -

 The TARDIS returns to the english planet Paddington which the Doctor has
been avoiding for some time.  It is about 50 years after his last visit
which is more than enough for the statute of limitations to have passed.
The Doctor is shocked to walk in on his old lovable friend Paddington
Bear slashing apart tourists, ripping them into tiny pieces, and eating
their bloody intestines.
 The Doctor decides that the Ice Cream Vendors must be responsible, for
absolutely no reason and well before they make their first appearance
in the story.  Whilst fabricating evidence to prove the Ice Cream Vendors
guilty, the Doctor discovers the people of Paddington are at war with
Galaxy Fun.
 Alpha Sintauri, the new appointed delegate for the American Galactic
Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed, asks her American
government to help bring peace to Paddington.  The American Federation
responds by carpet bombing the entire planet in an attempt to bring
about world peace.
 As the world is brutally destroyed in an attempt to make it safe
for democracy, the Doctor discovers, much to even his own astonishment,
that the Ice Cream Vendors ARE Guilty!  Pleased that all of his fake
evidence will become lost in a sea of incoming new evidence, the Doctor
happily watches on as the combined American and British Paddington
forces blow up the planet Mars.
 The Doctor discovers that the Paddington Bear had been given a new
ice cream flavour "Liquid LSD Lime" and this is what caused his
murderous rampages.  After months of rehab the Paddington Bear is
ready to rejoin his community as a productive member of society AND
to sell the TV rights to his entire ordeal with various promotional
appearances on the talk show circuit.
 The Doctor looks on with pride as the American and Paddington Space
Forces start an ambitious plan to save the universe with a bold new
plan of peace, understanding, and endless carpet bombings of the entire

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Exploding Murdering Adorable
                        Paddington Bear Colouring Book

                        Carpet Bombing & Nation Nuking - A DYI Guide

                        Doctor Mysterio - Paddington Bear Mucho Explodo

Fluffs -  Jon Pertwee seemed artillery crazed for most of this story
          During a rousing rendition of the national anthem the Doctor
          keeps singing "Bog save.." instead of "God save.."

Fashion Victims - Everyone in this story runs around with a badger
                  glued to their head

Goofs - The terrible ice cream mines of Paddington (you can mine ice
        cream too??  What about garlic ice cream?) seem to be equipped
        with drilling gear AND complete roller discos.
        Lip reading the Doctor in end of episode one results in the
        great line - "I *AM* The Doctor!  Now stand aside while I speak
        French and molest myself with a gerkin!"
        Stuntman Prat Goodfall is killed 85 times!!!  He was the only
        actor who could do a believable looking death so he did every
        single one - including the death of the evil imposter Paddington
        Bear and the women whom his character kills...making it a very
        difficult scene to follow.

Technobabble - The Doctor explains that everyone on the planet resembles
               Prat Goodfall the moment before they die because the planet
               is held under the power of "Stuntastic Illusion"

Links and References -
The Doctor mentions that Jo Grant gladly made him a pot of hot tea
when he was last on Paddington to Sarah Jane Smith, who then
immediately karate kicks him in the groin

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor claims that without his influence the American Galactic
Technocratic Federation Of Pure Evil And Greed wouldn't be half as
impressive, and that he and his fascist historical friends were
key members in the initial formation of the group.

Dialogue Disasters -

American Fed: We have the interest of peace and democracy at heart.
              Why only last year we took direct steps to purify
              democracy on the small planet Granada Three.
Alpha Sintari: Granada Three?  No life can survive on that planet.
American Fed: Not anymore!  Great progress, isn't it?  Today Granada
              Three - TOMORROW..THE COSMOS!

Dialogue Triumphs -

President H. Clinton: But I'm only a fascist radical extremist.
Sarah Jane: There's nothing ONLY about being a fascist radical extremist!

Alpha Sintari: But obviously Doctor if you try to stop violent and
               unjust alien races then wouldn't you be obligated to
               fight the Earthlings?  They have committed crimes
               against the Galaxy worse than the Dustbins, The Cybermen,
               and the Ice Warriors combined!
The Doctor: What?  Destroy the earth??  And violate my contract with BBC??

Viewers' Quotes -

"I think what defines this story for me is the Paddington Bear ripping
apart people and eating their internal organs.  I never gave Paddington
Bears much thought, but I started collecting them after that.  I have
drawn some Paddington Bear artwork inspired by this episode, it's got
a lot of gooey blood and guts - wanna see?"
               - Father James O'Maley (1974)

"This story had the WORST toupes in science fiction history, and I
should know!"       - William Shatner (1995)

"A sequel is something that should only be attempted if -

a. There is a lot of money to be made from it
b. It will help in the sells of promotional toys
c. It will provide an opportunity to have actors running around with
   badgers attached to their heads
d. The entire staff has completely run out of new ideas

It seems at all of these criteria, especially d., had been met in this
                                   - James David Walker  (1998)

"People always bash this story 'cause of the badger 'fros!  I mean
what the hell is wrong with that??  I used to bave a badger 'fro
in the 70s!  It was solid."       - Charles Daniels (2000)

Rumors & Facts -

 This story appears so normal from the broadcast version and seems
on the surface totally unremarkable.  Most stories that appear
unremarkable are actually quite dull with no interesting behind the
scenes details.  However this story is a sad exception.  First Pertwee
was annoyed at the costume designers insistence that he pounced about
saving the galaxy with a badger strapped on top of his head.
 Pertwee was later disappointed when Paddington Bear and his promotional
agents wanted to use Doctor Who as a platform for free advertisement.
The end of Monster of Paddington was to originally be a 3 minute rock
video featuring Paddington Bear playing his own cover of "Wild Thing"
and dancing with Jon Pertwee in full costume.  This music video was shot
however it was edited out of story because the BBC was so disturbed by
the footage that they immediately ordered it burned.  A sick fan working
in the Beeb at the time however saved the footage which has now become
a staple of rare sad Who fandom.
 The Paddington Bear music video of Wild Thing is only sought out by the
most depraved and completist fans.   After reviewing my own bootleg
of the video, taken direct from the film negative and not that inferior
1984 Nigerian cut, I can safely say that Paddington Bear video is by
far the most embarrasing piece of Who ever concieved.  The music has
obviously been looped in over the action as Paddington Bear's hand
motions are noticably off and seeing Paddington Bear do the tango with
Jon Pertwee is too horrifying for words.
 It was this story that set Pertwee's mind for leaving the series once
and for all -- and according to Pertwee this decision had ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING to do with the fact that he knew they were sacking him the
next story.