Planet of the Spy-Spoofs
An alternate Programme Guide by
Seventy-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Death
Special Thanks to Keith Brookes for the title
Serial ZZZ - Planet Of The Spy-Spoofs -
The Blue Dildo which the Doctor found on Meetmeinbedin 3 is vitally
needed by UNIT. Unfortunately the Doctor gave away the magical aqua
Dildo to Jo Grant as a wedding present. Embarrassed the Doctor can
not bring himself to ask for the gift back, so he consults the British
Government in order to secure a sidekick. The British Government
offers time travelling interdimensional man of mystery, Austin Powers,
to the Doctor in a mission of world importance - SNEAK into Jo Grant
and the Bastard's love nest and steal the powerful blue dildo at ANY
Unbeknowst to our crushed-velvet clad heroes Dr. Evil and The Bastard
have joined forces to create an evil empire on the planet Meetmeinbedin 3.
The Bastard's scheme to totally control the planet is underminded by
Dr. Evil's devoted staff and his plans which could easily defeat the
Doctor, Austin, and give them total power over the universe are hastily
dismissed. Instead Doctor Evil has decided to populate the planet with
incredibly intelligent rubber spiders.
Unfortunately populating the planet with hyperintelligent spiders
means they soon take over the entire planet and establish a hive empire
of total evil - which puts a cramp in the evil organization's day.
The spiders decide to send an envoy to conquer the earth, because out
of all of the planets in the cosmos, it's the most cliche.
The Doctor, Austin, and Sarah Jane use the p-mat system to travel to
Meetmeinbedin 3. Once there they engage in a ferocious battle and
Austin Powers is almost killed when he suggests to Sarah Jane that
she sit this mission out. Eventually the trio meets the rubber spiders
face to face and start the galaxy's largest known tire fire. As the
surviving rubber spiders bounce about uncontrollably on the planet's
surface they p-mat back to earth to deal with the amazingly predictable
last minute invasion of Milton Keynes.
In order to keep up with Austin and Sarah Jane the weary Doctor summons
all his energy and assumes his Super Disco persona. The Doctor is now
empowered with the abiity to shoot tiny flaming disco balls out of his
hands. The Doctor and team all too easily defeat the spider invasion of
earth and to pad out the story an additional episode they return to the
planet Meetmeinbedin 3.
On the alien planet the Doctor decides to confront his most evil of
adversaries - The Bastard. The Bastard has now disposed of Doctor
Evil and his entourage and taken over their base. The Bastard immediately
overpowers the Doctor as well and captures the powerful relic that had
been stolen from him. The Bastard wields the blue mighty Dildo of Power.
The Bastard gloats at length as he inserts the sexual relic into an
oddly placed slot. The power released from the blue dildo is so enourmous
that it damages both the Bastard and the Doctor. As the base starts to
self-destruct the Bastard is in the perfect position to render irreparable
injury to the Doctor, however for a moment he seems hesitant to do so.
Eventually the Bastard hobbles away, burnt by the overpowering blue glow,
and the Doctor returns to the planet earth. The Doctor is now trapped
in his Super Disco Doctor form, unable to change back to his normal
persona, his damaged body is dying. However, Sean Connery, an immortal
friend of Connor McCloud, happens to be visiting his friend The Brigadier
at UNIT HQ. With the power of the quickening, Sean Connery jump starts
the regeneration process. The Doctor begins to grow even more hair...
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Planet Of The Shag Goofs
Doctor Mysterio El Discos Morte
Doctor Who - The Guy Who Bagged Me by Jo Grant
Dead At Last! Dead At Last! Thank Lord Almighty
He's Dead At Last!
Fluffs - Jon Pertwee seemed funkadelic for most of this story
"No I shan't you shan't me shan't we shan't..I shan't say this!"
Fashion Victims - The Doctor and Austin Powers wear identical crushed
velvet suits and male symbols, making them look a lot
like the Ambiguously Gay Duo
Goofs - Was Lupton named after the tea?
The Doctor's neon green flying car clashes terribly with
Austin's hot pink flying car
If Austin was frozen in 1969 how could he be helping the
Doctor in the 1970s? Obviously it was past Austin or
Austin from ten minutes from now circa 1999. So that's
a bit of continuity cleared up! Now please stop time wanking!
Technobabble - The Doctor cries that if he cant reverse the polarity
of the neutron flow anymore, he doesn't want to live
Links and References -
Somehow UNIT has access to the revolutionary futuristic p-mat system
first seen in The Spoons Of Death (XX)
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor mentions he and his good friend Harry Houdini once made a
dildo disappear effortlessly only to have it embarrasingly reappear
behind their ears seconds later
Dialogue Disasters -
Watching Turkish dancers -
BRIGADIER: Extraordinary muscle control. Very fit that girl.
I must make sure to keep her away from Yates or else
he'll try to use some of those moves on my men!
Dialogue Triumphs -
BASTARD: You see this oddly place gaping slot before me Doctor?
It reproduces the pattern of my libido. One perfect
dildo and it will be complete. THAT IS THE PERFECT
DILDO I NEED!
The scene between The Bastard And Doctor in the self-destructing base -
BASTARD: I could easily kill you now Doctor!
DOCTOR: Then I assume you will do so.
BASTARD: No Doctor..no I shall spare you.
DOCTOR: What? You would spare me? After I foiled your plans, after
I tried to kill you so many times, after I made your life a
miserable hell whenever possible?
BASTARD: Of course.
DOCTOR: Really? Why?
BASTARD: Well it's not polite to go around killing people.
DOCTOR: But you do that all the time.
BASTARD: OH? Oh yes. So I do. Well you've changed my mind!
YOU MUST DIE DOCTOR! DIE!
An epic performance -
CONNERY: The Old Man must die, and the New Man will discover to his
inexpressible joy that he has never existed.
BRIGADIER: What are you on about Sean?
CONNERY: I'm waxing philosophic old boy!
The Disco Doctor's Last Words -
SARAH: But WHY did you do it Doctor?? WHY?
DOCTOR: I had to face my fears...RIGHT ON!
Viewers' Quotes -
"The Doctor's disco mojo is...groovy baby in a totally out of control
- Maul Fortell, DWB No. 88
"This story was severely frightening and serious -- well other than
Dr Evil. Oh and Austin Powers. And those rubber spiders. And the
p-mat. Still, other than those elements, SOLID TV DRAMA!"
- I. N. Denial (1974)
"Mummy! James Bond is groping Worzel Gummidge!"
- Gareth Jenkins (1986)
"What do I think of Planet of the Spy Spoofs?? What? Jon Pertwee?
I thought we were talking about that Doctor Who program......you
mean there were other people to play the Doctor than Tom Baker???"
- Typical American Viewer, (1981-2000)
"Another one bites the dust." - Charles Daniels (2000)
Rumors & Facts -
The eleventh season, while having great high points, is arguably crap.
However it has long been the tradition of this guide to do these season
wrap ups in ways that gloss over the obvious crippling weaknesses of
each era and instead focus on the happy like a person with an endless
supply of prozac, opium, and morphine! It is for this very reason that
your loyal programme guide author has been mixing these various substances
together for fun and recreation for several months.
The death of Pertwee ended an era of Doctor Who, most notably the Pertwee
one. Obviously had it not been for this story the Pertwee era would have
continued on for several more stories, most of which I predict would have
involved the Bastard doing something naughty with kitchenware. I do
not base this assumption on contemporary documentation from the time
but merely on what sort of stories I would write if anyone was foolish
enough to allow me to.
The inclusion of so many famous actors in this final Pertwee story
was so costly that the giant spiders created by Industrial Light and
Magic could not be afforded and instead the Letts Dicks team had to
go to a local novelty shop and buy a plastic bag of Uncle Spooky's
Scary Plastic Halloween Spiders for 39 pence. Of all the actors in
this story the most believable performance is Ian Levine's portrayal
of the evil henchman, Fat Bastard.
If anything could be said about this story, it is that it is six episodes
long. Jon Pertwee has a total of eleven stories which were six episodes
in length for a total of sixty-six episodes. Six Sixty-Six! Jon Pertwee
was obviously Satan.